Jonathan's Journey

it's that time....

2011-11-10T13:31:00.000-06:00

....in exactly one month, i will be participating along with a great group of people in the 2nd annual run for new life 5K. i am actually running this year!

if you aren't familiar with our "story", here it is in a nutshell: we are a group of friends (3 of us who have lost babies and our mutual OB) who believe that the idea for this annual race was divinely inspired and in each of our hearts before we all even first spoke about it. and since pregnancy and infant loss is something people still avoid talking about, we felt that it was the perfect way to honor those who have experienced loss as well as memorialize the babies we never held or didn't hold for very long. for me, it means very much to be able to do something, anything, in jonathan's memory.

if you live in the local area (destin/niceville/ft. walton beach) then we would love for you to come out and support this event! or, if you want to travel here from another area, we are totally OK with that, too. :-)

we are currently working on last minute details to try to make this event just as great as last year.

if you are interested in joining us, here is the link to register: http://www.active.com/running/niceville-fl/run-for-new-life-5k-2011 the first 200 to sign up will get a long-sleeved red t-shirt with a similar design from last year, including a place to write in the name of a baby or child you are running in memory of.

you can always contact me for more info as well.

jonathan's 2nd birthday

2011-10-08T22:32:00.003-05:00

the telltale signs of the season have arrived.
the days are getting shorter, so the mid-afternoon light is a little more golden. the sky has lost the haziness that accompanies the summer and is now clear and bright blue. the breezes are a little cooler. and the butterflies are here again. all these things are a big part of my memory of jonathan's birthday as well.

after the building up of emotions of the past week as jonathan's 2nd birthday approached, the day has finally arrived.

i had big plans for jonathan's 2nd birthday: i was finally going to sit down this past week and go through each note that was written for us, rolled up, and tucked away for us in the "prayer/wish frame" during jonathan's funeral two years ago. can you believe i have not done this already? all those notes just waiting to be read, saved up for a time such as this.

unfortunately, that big idea got lost among planning and co-hosting a baby shower, attending a concert, kate's soccer practices and her game today, my everyday household duties and taking care of the kids, among other things. basically.....life just keeps on going and the moments i would like to spend quietly remembering my baby boy just don't happen as often as i would like them to.

we also planned on going out with friends and family for mexican food (of course) tonight. what better way to spend this day than spending it with people you care about, right? even those plans did not go exactly as i had intended, but still worked out for the best in the end.

so even though my week did not go as i thought it should, i do believe that God graciously gave me some sweet reminders that He is very much with me as we tried to celebrate another milestone as best we could.

for example, i was completely blessed this week when the ladies of my wednesday night bible study took the time to remember him, pray for me, and let me share part of his story and my testimony. it was unplanned, but i was thankful for the opportunity. talking about him is still very healing to me. it must be something about affirming the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to me during that time. or to revisit all of the different ways God made Himself very real, almost tangible, in my life. or to share all of the joy we experienced even in the midst of devastation, because of what He did for us. i love to remember it. i love to talk about it. and i'm so very thankful for it.

also, tonight as we were heading to the mexican restaurant for dinner, it turned out that the restaurant we had chosen wasn't open for some reason. i only chose that place because it was where we ate frequently while i was pregnant with jonathan and where we ate right after his funeral with our family and friends. i was disappointed at first, but we just ended up going across the street to another mexican restaurant. it worked out much better since we got a private room and the kids could act like kids and not bother any other customers. anyway, during the move from one restaurant to the other, we saw a fantastic rainbow! it was sunny except for one very small rain shower heading our direction. and as we were pulling into the restaurant parking lot, it rained on us just a bit, like we had our own personal cloud above us. it was so symbolic of the rain that fell as we buried jonathan two years ago. i don't think we would have experienced either the rain or the rainbow, if we had been at the other restaurant like we had originally planned.

"The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God" ~Psalm 68:8

i love the fact that our God is such a personal God, that He would give us those two little signs of His presence with us tonight.

so, even though much of what i had planned for this day and this week did not materialize, i will go to bed tonight on jonathan's 2nd birthday so thankful that God, yet again, provided so much peace and comfort to us on what should have been another difficult milestone in our journey. and knowing that if He has given us these sweet expressions of His love today, how much more He is loving on our jonathan in heaven on his birthday.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:21

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:10-12

celebrating with friends

birthday gifts for jonathan

approaching two years...where we are now

2011-08-09T15:28:00.002-05:00

a couple of weeks ago, i had lunch with a good friend. she had just returned from a short-term mission trip to haiti, and i couldn't wait to hear all about it.

she told me about the camp they had put on for the local children. they had only planned on about 50-60 but over 100 showed up each day, including some adults.

she explained that though all of their food and supplies was budgeted to the max, somehow they always had enough for everyone. it was as if it had miraculously multiplied, just like the bread and fish that Jesus and His disciples handed out to the crowd so long ago.

she told me about how she came to find a very sick little girl. if no one had noticed her, surely she would have died. but somehow, they even had enough money left over to buy her medicine. they saved her life.

and that is just one story of many from her trip. numerous lives were touched. so many children got to hear about Jesus and see His work in action through others. and of course, my friend's life was forever impacted as well.

and... she told me that she felt her even being there all started with jonathan.

i'll explain: we had a "celebration of life" right before he was born, with proceeds and gifts going to the charity "heart of the bride" (HOB.) she came to the celebration to support us, got to hear about the awesome things HOB is doing in third world countries, and ultimately signed up to travel to costa rica and haiti to serve children in great need.

so, almost two years after jonathan's celebration of life, it sure was a blessing to hear how the Lord used that event in a series of events that led my friend to haiti to help save lives physically and spiritually.

*****

the cycle began all over again for me on june 22 this year. it was the day, two years ago, that we learned something was wrong with our baby. and just like last year, the events of that day replayed on a loop in my mind. same with june 24, the day we learned what he had was a fatal chromosome disorder. and it goes like this on key dates throughout the rest of the summer and early fall, until the final two significant dates: the day jonathan was born (october 8) and the day we buried him (october 14.) from there i have rest until, apparently, june 22 comes around again. it's not a bad thing. it just....is.

two years on this side of it is a really good place. i remember hearing (and loathing) the phrase, "time heals everything" or something like that. back when the wound was still open and raw, that saying only mocked me, as time slowly dragged on with no relief in sight. i remember wishing i could just snap my fingers and be healed of the pain. looking back now, i can see how valuable the slow healing process really is; to be able to see how far you have actually come and to appreciate the process that brings not only physical and emotional healing but also spiritual healing. it's one of those experiences i wonder how people can survive without faith in God. to know that even in the hardest time of my life, i still had hope, peace, joy, and even contentment....and to feel this way completely drug-free....i know it was only because of my faith. and not the size or depth of my faith, mind you, just that i had at least the amount of a mustard seed. :)

also, i believe that because of my faith, i can sit here today and honestly say that i am thankful for my experience. meaning, if i were given the choice today to go back in time and change the events of 2009, i actually would not. this is where it gets tricky to explain. i know some people will get what i'm trying to say, and others will think i'm heartless. i assure you it's not the latter, really! but i am at a place where i am very content with where my life is today, and that includes the testimony of my son's short life and death.  to go back and change that testimony now would be to lose out on not only my own amazing and transforming personal experience with God, but to also disqualify every good thing that came from his life and to selfishly cancel any positive effect that jonathan's life had on anyone else. i know for certain through the hundreds of messages we've received, that jonathan's life did in fact greatly impact others; not because of anything we did, as we know it was because the Lord used it for good (Rom. 8:28.)

i would never want to change any of it. keeping the perspective that this life is not all there is strengthens me to make it through each day i live here without him.  my faith tells me that he is in heaven and that one day i will not only see him again, but spend eternity with him.  my time here without him is equivalent to a small dash on a never ending line.

i don't want to live my short life here with incessant grief over missing him, or always wondering "what if?" (though i'm sure i'll have some days like that.) instead, i want to live each day celebrating the gift that jonathan was and still is to us and reflect on all of the good things, the priceless things, that came from his life. sure, i miss him greatly. but i remind myself that i will see him again soon enough.

so....yeah. this is where i am almost two years later. it's where i prayed to be so long ago now. it's a place i wasn't sure i'd ever be.  i don't mean to sound like i have fully "arrived" at any particular stage in my faith or in my healing process, because there is always work to be done in my heart. but it's where i spend most of my days now, and it's a good place. where i used to feel like, "why does this have to be my testimony?" now i feel like, "i can't believe i have the privilege of this testimony."

that is what a little bit of faith + two years will do.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." ~ Psalm 147:3

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live." ~Ecclesiates 3:1-8,11-12.

what's next?

2011-07-07T14:17:00.000-05:00

hello friends. if you are still reading this blog, with my posts so few and far in between these days, you deserve some sort of loyalty award! :)

the truth is, i've been struggling with what to do with this blog these days. in my spare time, i've been compiling and formatting all of these blog entries and comments, as well as messages i've received about jonathan into the form of a hardcover book for our own personal keepsake.  it has been a labor of love for sure. we're talking 700+ pages! (i'm using Lulu. anyone familiar with this?) in doing this, i have been reading through my own entries chronologically, something i haven't actually ever done. it's been quite painful to reread the posts i've written, remembering the heartache that inspired every word. but at the same time, it's been a blessing to be reminded of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness through it all.

i've also considered wrapping up the blog with a final post...some sort of tidy conclusion about our journey and what i've gained from it or something like that. i've since come to realize that that would likely be an impossible task.  there is just no way to fully and comprehensively include all of those thoughts into one little blog post and say "and they lived happily ever after, the end."

i know it's not the end of jonathan's story.

jonathan's legacy continues, much to my delight.  and, i feel in my heart that it will continue, though right now i'm not sure how that might be fully actualized.  i'm praying about some things.

in the meantime, we still have a very active online/email ministry via this very blog. even though i'm not posting much these days, i still get several emails a month, (weekly, even) from precious families walking a similar road. it breaks my heart to hear each story and at the same time humbles me that people would reach out to us in their time of need. my aim is to encourage...yet i am usually the one who is encouraged by these families!  still, it is an honor to be able to "help" someone else, just as others have greatly helped us in our time of need. we will always be available to you.

i am also on track to return to my "woven together" project here soon.  the concept needs a little more tweaking and i'm also praying for a local (?) ministry partner in that as well. i'm just not sure i can pull it off as a one-woman show right now. i hope to be up and running again in the very near future!

we are also currently in the planning stages of the 2nd annual "run for new life 5K" that will take place december 10th. i am going to run it this year in memory of jonathan, and i'm excited about being able to do so. i haven't raced in 4 years.

so, back to the blog. after praying and talking it over with greg, i have decided that i will still post here as the topic relates to jonathan. though i have previously written several posts to accentuate "life after loss" so to speak, i now feel strongly to keep the focus on jonathan and our journey as it continues and to reserve everything else (like family updates, family pictures, etc.) for our family blog. unfortunately, i had to make that blog private due to some issues. many of you have been following jonathan's journey for so long as friends and prayer warriors, and if you would like to keep up with us on our private blog, just send me an email. :)

it's how we roll

2011-06-13T13:26:00.000-05:00

a snapshot update of evan:

his name in the sand

2011-06-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

so, i heard about this site while i was pregnant with jonathan. it's a beautiful idea; your baby's name memorialized in a picture-perfect little piece of heaven (otherwise known as a white-sand beach in western australia during sunset.) but when the time came for me to make a request, the photographer was on a break after the birth of her own child. and then there was a waiting list 6 months long or something like that.

so when i heard via another baby loss blogsite that she was taking names again, i jumped on it right away. and just a few days later, it was done!

you have to click on the link since i don't have the rights to the photograph, but you will be glad you did. the pictures are so beautiful. spend sometime looking around at the other sunsets and you too will agree that this magnificent beach must be a little piece of heaven.

but for me, my little piece of heaven today is seeing my sweet boy's name written out in the sand. there's just something about seeing or hearing his name. that's my jonathan.

we miss him so.

restoration

2011-04-11T12:15:00.001-05:00

every day my three-year-old daughter asks me the same question, even though my reply is the always the same.

"mommy, can we keep evan?"

"yes, we can keep him."

my heart is full because of how much she loves her new baby brother, and at the same time my heart breaks for her that she has had to experience the loss of jonathan and has to ask that we keep her new brother.

i realize that while kate's life has always been good and filled with lots of love, i'm also not oblivious to the fact that she herself has suffered a loss and is still processing it as best she can for her age.  while she was not yet two years old at the time jonathan was born and not affected directly by it, she most certainly was affected through us. i think we did our best to keep life as normal as possible for her during my pregnancy and after losing jonathan, but i'll just say that it was during this time she learned to play independently. i did not have the energy or patience to sit on the floor and play with her because my focus was always somewhere else. to this day, i feel regret and guilt about missing out on that precious time with her, even though (maybe) i did the best i could manage.  the fact she will most likely have no memory of it makes me feel a little better and thankfully it hasn't affected her fun and high-energy personality.

i also feel bad for her that part of her routine on sundays is to visit a cemetery or that each year she will mark jonathan's birthday as a bittersweet day and not at some super hero-themed party. she'll never get picked on by him or find pleasure in returning the deed. there are so many precious moments that she'll miss out on - that we'll miss out on - because he's not here with us. it makes my heart sad to know how this affects her life even though she is not fully aware of it all.

she often talks about death and asks us questions about jonathan or about her grandmothers who have recently passed away.  once she told us that jonathan died because he fell into the fish tank (i'm thankful for the comic relief!)   it's quite the challenge to explain to a preschooler about death, so i'm sure we'll have to revisit the topic quite a bit until she understands better. but for now it's a great opener into a conversation about God, Jesus, and heaven. that seems to be comforting for her.

so obviously, we wondered how she would feel about us actually bringing a baby home with us this time. and for 3 and a half months now, she has shown nothing but love for evan. she loooooves that baby boy and can't hardly keep her hands off of him (i can relate.) she talks about how she has two brothers now, one here and one with Jesus, who's taking excellent care of him.

our adjustment to life as a family of four (five) has been very smooth. evan is a very good, easy baby which has been like the cherry on top of an amazing blessing.  kate has adjusted extremely well to being a big sister and is very helpful. i persevered through the sleepless nights with thankfulness and perspective and am finally getting a full nights' sleep now that evan has been sleeping 10-11 hours straight. i've also been eating well, exercising daily and i have lost all the baby weight. i feel better than i have in over two years! it's been so nice to have the energy to keep up with kate and spend the time with her that she needs from me and also to take care of evan.

looking back from where we were almost two years ago to where we are now, i'm amazed and humbled by the journey the Lord has taken us on. the reward for us has been a deeper relationship with and love for the One who rejoiced with us at each hill and guided us through each valley. He has proven Himself to be always faithful, trustworthy and good. the blessings that the lives of each of my three children have brought me, at the risk of sounding cliche, has completed me. He has certainly brought us to a place of restoration.

"The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm—
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed." ~Joel 2:24-26

one recent evening as kate and i were driving home in the near dark, i swerved to avoid a rabbit. from the backseat, kate asked me, "what's wrong, mommy?"
"it's OK....i was just trying to avoid hitting a bunny."
"if you hit the bunny, it's broken?"
"yes. but i didn't hit it, it's OK."
and kate replied, "'cause if it's broken, God will fix it."

yes He will. maybe not in the way we would hope for God to fix it, but in the end He shows that His ways are perfect, His Word is true, and He is faithful.

*****

i cannot help but notice the "threshing floors will be filled with grain" in this scripture; i had not even noticed it until today. less than a month before jonathan was born, i had written this blog, the threshing floor , and i LOVE how today this scripture is like a reply to the blog i had written on that day.

here is a snippet:

and i believe the process of threshing has been chosen for me. i don't attempt to understand fully what all this means for me. but perhaps this trial is the very tool God is using as i am being "threshed" and "winnowed"...where the worthless chaff in my life is removed completely and only the good remains. and while it is so very painful, He reminds me daily that He is the one leading me through it, and creating in me a stronger faith and character than what i had before it started. in the end, my "harvest" will be a blessing.

filled with grain, indeed.

a piece of jonathan's heart

2011-03-20T11:38:00.001-05:00

ever wonder why God does or allows some of the things He does? i do, all the time. the past two weeks or so have been full of bad news for the world and for people i care about. the earthquake and tsunami in japan. the death of a former coworker, the day before he was to get married. a dear friend whose dog died a week before her mother passed away and whose father is very ill as well. people i know who have sick babies or complicated pregnancies. friends facing serious trials and even persecution. i could go on and on.

i have a perspective that i might not have now had i not gone through the suffering of losing jonathan. and though i'm not comparing losing a baby to experiencing a devastating tsunami or anything, i feel that my response might be the same: i don't know why God allowed it to happen, but i do know that the Lord provides at all times.

He provides for physical needs. emotional needs. spiritual needs. even the needs that we have that we don't yet know we have. during the time i was pregnant with jonathan and then after losing him, God's provision for my needs was comprehensive and even lavish. today i still stand amazed at the graciousness of the Lord, even though i can't understand many of His mysterious ways. and i'm OK with that, as i choose to believe with faith that of a child. my prayer for my friends who are suffering as well as people who are suffering all over the world is that they would cling to the Lord for their needs. and He is sure to meet them in their very place of need, and provide above and beyond what they would ever expect.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.
~Psalm 91

*****

speaking of the Lord providing for a need before we become aware of it....

i have another testimony of the Lord's gracious provision for us while we were pregnant with evan. i haven't shared this story until now, mainly because i didn't want to cause anyone to worry about evan's health as the worry was not necessary.

we went to our first appointment with our specialist in pensacola about two weeks after we learned that we were having a healthy baby boy (evan.) i was 17 and a half weeks pregnant, far enough along to get the detailed ultrasound that would focus on all of evan's organs to make sure that everything looked good.

after what we had been through with jonathan, i had done enough research on trisomies and looked at a million ultrasound pictures of complications like what jonathan had, that i felt like i could have done the ultrasound on myself and i would have known what i was looking at. (no disrespect to the docs or ultrasounds techs....but i'm waiting on my honorary degree. ha!) anyway, everything looked great. all of his measurements were perfect and there were no signs of complications or abnormalities anywhere.

until they scanned the heart. beating? check. four chambers? check. working correctly? check. but then i saw it. it was one of those "bright spots" that jonathan had in most of his major organs. evan had one in the left chamber.

no one said anything about it during the ultrasound. my specialist told us everything looked great and that he would meet us with the genetic counselor in the conference room.

soon we were staring at a sheet of paper with information about the "echogenic intracardiac focus." it was explained to us that it was probably a calcium build-up or even just a reflection off of a muscle or tendon in the heart. it was a "normal variation" of the make-up of the heart and had no affect on its function. however, there was a small chance that it could be a soft marker for down's syndrome (trisomy 21.)

OK, what???

not what we wanted or expected to hear, especially with our history of already having a trisomy-affected baby. our genetic counselor tried to reassure us best she could by offering the fact that since we both had normal chromosomes, the chances for us to have a second trisomy baby in a row would be astronomical. still, we were offered to have an amniocentesis done that day.

greg and i went back and forth on the decision to do the amnio or not, and finally left the doctor's office and went to a bookstore across the street to escape the emotion and duress of being there while trying to make a tough decision. we wandered around for what seemed to be a long time, mulling over the pros and cons of the amnio.

it was during this time that i reflected on that verse the Lord had given me the day i found out i was pregnant with evan:

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

in my heart i knew that evan was OK. everything else in that ultrasound backed up the fact that evan was completely healthy. but after all that we had been through previously, it was still hard. i wanted to believe God for a completely healthy baby and believe that He was assuring me of this through that scripture. it may seem black and white to some, but for us, with our wounds still on the mend, it was so very hard.

ultimately, we decided not to do the amnio for the risk it posed, even though our specialist had done literally thousands and had never had a loss. we now had no way of knowing 100% that evan was chromosomally normal until he was born. we opted instead for monthly ultrasound follow-ups and i took the quad-screen blood test to see if we had an abnormal screen. only if i had an abnormal screen would we then proceed with the amnio.

so for two days i prayed non-stop for evan's health and for God to give us a normal quad screen result. i did some research on down's syndrome and made peace with myself and the Lord if that was His will for evan's life. i went back and looked at jonathan's screen results and even his came back normal at 1/321 for a trisomy. (the threshold for "normal" is around 1/280.) i wanted BIG numbers for evan, so there wouldn't be a doubt about it. for my age, the chance or risk for down's was 1/528. so i was hoping for something along the lines of 1/800 to make me happy. and so i prayed for numbers.

two days later, it was numbers we got: 1/1200!

now, i know that God isn't just about numbers. and i know about the false positives and negatives of this test. but the Lord was bigger than my unbelief and He graciously provided relief for us through these numbers, even though He certainly didn't have to and we certainly didn't deserve it. isn't He good??

so the bright spot on evan's heart became much less concerning to us. a few people i talked to, including two physician-friends, were well aware of plenty of normal, healthy babies born after being found to have an echogenic focus. each follow-up ultrasound we had on evan showed a big and healthy baby boy, perfect in every measurement, even though that bright spot was still there each time.

i know that the Lord created evan exactly the way he was meant to be, bright spot and all. but why the bright spot was there, is one of those mysteries we may never have the answer to. if it is just a normal variant that poses no health concern, then why not just leave it out and spare us the grief and worry? maybe it's there for a reason we can't know about. the Lord knew that we would become aware of it and be concerned and that's why i believe He provided that scripture for us to hold fast to. He's amazing like that.

so for now, as i hold my precious, healthy, adorable baby boy, i like to think it's just a little piece of jonathan's heart that evan carries with him. it's certainly another reminder to me of the Lord's graciousness to us.

2 weeks old

sweet baby evan

2011-02-23T21:20:00.000-06:00

evan turned two months old on the 22nd. i can't believe how fast time is flying by, but at the same time, i knew it would.

i can honestly say that i have enjoyed every single second with this sweet baby. i spend each day adoring him and taking in just how beautiful he is, how soft his skin is, how sweet he smells (most of the time), how good it feels to hold him in my arms. all we begged of the Lord was for a healthy baby, and He outdid Himself by blessing us with evan. evan loves to be held, he doesn't fuss much, he eats well (he was 14+ pounds at 8 weeks old!), he rarely spits up, he doesn't pee on me when i change his diaper, and he sleeps on average 5 hours straight each night, one night even hitting the 7 hour mark.

ok, now i'm just bragging.

but even in the roughest of nights, i am enjoying evan so very much. in fact, it's when evan and i are the only ones awake and i'm completely exhausted that i reflect on just how blessed i am by this precious gift.

besides, it's hard to feel anything but love when he greets me with a sleepy smile in the middle of the night.

long time no blog

2011-02-13T09:17:00.001-06:00

i've been a "little busy" lately...

and this is why:

i just can't stop loving on this little guy!

glimpses

2011-01-19T14:13:00.000-06:00

i have gotten the biggest kick out of seeing how much my children look alike....

here's kate at 2 days old...

Kate

and here's evan at 2 days old...so much like his sister!

Evan

and a couple more...these are at 3 weeks old...

Kate

Evan

oh, but let's not forget jonathan! i didn't think he looked like either greg or me, so i never thought in my wildest dreams that evan might actually look like him...

Jonathan

Evan

perhaps it's just meant to be that i will always see glimpses of our jonathan in evan. it doesn't at all make my heart hurt, although we still miss him of course. instead, it's just been a sweet reminder that jonathan is still very much a part of our family.

evan's birth story

2011-01-14T13:58:00.000-06:00

what a difference a year can make. last christmas was bittersweet without jonathan. our wounds were still incredibly raw from losing him that we weren't able to enjoy the christmas season the way we should have. we were supposed to be celebrating our first christmas as a family of four, and jonathan's absence was overwhelming. we did our best to make it through for the sake of our two year old daughter who was just learning the true meaning of christmas (as well as how to unwrap presents by herself.) watching kate enjoy all of the sights, sounds, and meaning of christmas helped us make it through with smiles on our faces.

and so, the fact that evan's birthday was right before christmas and that we brought him home on christmas eve...well, i can only consider it as the graciousness and tenderness of the Lord that it happened that way. evan was our amazing christmas gift and we are so overjoyed and thankful for him and the timing of his birth.

so, for evan's birth story...

i had long "decided" that evan would be born a little early (but still full-term.) it was my third baby and third babies come earlier and easier, right? besides, i so badly wanted him home in time for christmas, and i admit i was scared of delivering a 9+ pound baby. so i was encouraged when, at my 36 week OB appointment, my doctor checked me and i was already dilated to 2 cm and 70%.

but at my 37 week visit, there was no progression, in fact, evan's head was not even as low as before. i was so disappointed. as in, crying while my OB had to console me in the exam room. but thanks to her encouragement and to a week of consciously laying down my own desires and timing in favor of the Lord's, i submitted to His greater plan for evan's birth. he would come when he was supposed to, not when i wanted him to. even if it meant waiting until after christmas.

and then, at my 38 week appointment, the 20th of december, i was suddenly 5 cm dilated! (i've read that 4 cm is considered active labor.) however, i wasn't having regular contractions yet. so for the next two days, i walked for hours until i had hard contractions. and still, each time we would get ready to go to the hospital, they became irregular again. so i went to see my OB again after the two days to see what was going on. at this appointment (on the 22nd), i was dilated to a 7! because i live an hour from the hospital and was so dilated, my OB admitted me to labor and delivery. this was around lunch time. when i was admitted, i was checked again, and this time i was 8 cm.

my OB had a couple of surgeries to do first, so my contractions were monitored while we were waiting for her. not much was happening still, but when the contractions came, they were pretty intense. greg and i talked about my options regarding pain relief with the anesthesiologist but in the end i decided to go natural due to the fact that i was already 8 cm and that surely evan would come quickly.

so then my OB came in and broke my water. at this point, we had a scary moment as evan's heart rate started dropping quickly. it went from about 140 BPM to 80 BPM to 60 BPM in just a matter of seconds. i freaked out of course, and my mind went directly to those last moments with jonathan when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat anymore. this just wasn't supposed to be happening with evan! but thankfully, evan had only just dropped lower into my pelvis when my water was broken. everything was OK and the nurses adjusted the monitors to find evan's new position. but what a scare!

i still wasn't having regular contractions at this point, so i was started on the lowest possible dose of pitocin. this was around 3:15 or so. within about 10 minutes, my contractions were regular and unbearable. i started ~~asking about~~ demanding pain medicine but it was too late. evan was born about 30 minutes later after the worst physical pain i have ever experienced. he was 8 pounds and 21.5 inches long. note to my pregnant friends: the epidural is an amazing thing and i highly recommend it! note to self: never do that again.

and...we heard the most amazing sound right after evan was born...his incredibly loud cry and the happy chimes playing over the hospital speakers, letting everyone know that a baby had just been born. last october, we never got to hear this song or jonathan's first cry.

and now, evan is three weeks old already. where does the time go? we are thoroughly enjoying every moment with him. just his presence here with us makes the long nights and the numerous times i've had to clean up bodily fluids off of me completely worth it. and while perspective has a lot to do with maintaining a good attitude while suffering a lack of sleep, it also helps that he is completely healthy, eating well, and loves being held and cuddled. and we oblige. you can't spoil a newborn, right?

however...i must say that, of course, evan does not completely fill the hole that jonathan left. before evan's arrival, i had prepared myself that evan would not be jonathan's replacement. and now i've actually experienced it to be true. i know i will not ever fully understand why jonathan had to die or why it had to happen to us, as long as i live on this earth. i've tried to analyze it a million times, but only God knows. and because i know God to be good and His ways to be perfect, i can trust His purpose for jonathan was also good.

at the same time, i do believe the Lord has a very special purpose for evan. in fact, evan probably would not be here had jonathan lived. but evan is here, as an answer to our prayers and a blessing to our family.

here is a little of that journey:

almost a year ago to the day, i wrote this post based on the scripture Isaiah 61:3: “To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.” i was basically asking for God to make something beautiful from our journey of sorrow and joy.

a few months later, i was pregnant. then, during the summer bible study i took part in, one of our assignments was to write and speak a blessing over one of the other ladies randomly chosen for us. my OB, who led the study, happened to be the one to speak a blessing over me. in that blessing, she asked the Lord for the blessings that jonathan would have had to be given as a "double portion" of blessing for evan (based on 2 Kings 2:9) so that evan would have double the impact in this world as jonathan did. what a wonderful prayer for my sweet boy!

and then, a few more months later as i'm approaching the end of my pregnancy, my OB brought to my attention the scripture that follows the "beauty for ashes" verse in Isaiah 61:3...

Isaiah 61:7 says: "Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours."

and finally, this has everything to do with evan's middle name "joseph", which means "God will increase." the name joseph has always been on the radar since it is my father's name. but when i saw what the name means, and how it fits into the context of receiving a "double portion", i knew that it had to be part of evan's name.

i love how that all came together! God has indeed made something beautiful from the ashes. and it's just the beginning.

a year of hallelujahs

2011-01-04T16:26:00.000-06:00

our year (plus a couple of months) in review...

merry christmas!

2010-12-26T15:04:00.000-06:00

our christmas gift has arrived!

evan joseph tomaschko was born at 3:59 pm on december 22nd, weighing 8 pounds and was 21.5 inches long.

he is healthy and perfect.

we got to take him home on christmas eve. God is indeed gracious and we have so much to be thankful for!

making plans

2010-12-10T10:30:00.000-06:00

almost a year and a half ago now, we were making plans for our unborn baby boy, jonathan.

not the kind of plans anyone would want to make, though. unfortunately, those plans included the course of treatment after birth (basically, how he would die) and funeral and burial plans instead of what colors his nursery would be or what he career he might choose when he grows up. and even in the making of those heart-wrenching plans for his death and burial, i knew that i would have to go to a baby store in order to get some of the things he needed, whether he lived or died. a blanket. a keepsake baby bible, perhaps. an outfit to be buried in.

we never knew when jonathan was going to be born. his due date was november 30th, but most trisomy babies don't make it to full term. we knew he would be small at birth. and, it stays warm here in florida sometimes through october and beyond, so i knew i needed not one but two outfits for jonathan...one for the warmer weather and one for if a miracle occured and he made it to full term in the late fall. i guess it wouldn't have made a difference what oufit he wore...but at the time, every choice we made for jonathan was made with careful consideration. it was part of our desire to do the best thing for him in the big things as well as the small, for as long as he was alive.

jonathan was buried on a warm and rainy day in october in a cute little light blue sailor-themed outfit, which even though it was sized "preemie", it still dwarfed his tiny four-pound body.

which left the winter outfit, a beautiful (and way too expensive, but hey...) light blue cable-knit sweater outfit to be returned to the store.

however, because it took me months to go through any of jonathan's things after he was gone, i didn't realize that i had missed the short time frame to return the outfit. i was stuck with it. i'll be honest, every time i came across it, it was hard to look at it. but eventually i decided to keep it because it was one of the few things he left behind for us to remember him by. it was tucked away into a box, up on a shelf.

*****

pregnancy after a loss is full of ups and downs. i think most people who have experienced this would agree. one minute you're so excited and hopeful and the next, you're worried if there is something wrong you don't know about or that maybe the doctors missed on the ultrasound. you anxiously await those pregnancy milestones...seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks, making it past the "miscarriage risk" at 13 weeks, then the gender/body scan, then viability, then full term...and all the weeks in between. the hardest thing i've experienced during this pregnancy is not the morning sickness, or the tiredness, or the pinched nerves and other aches and pains...it is the anxiety or doubt that comes creeping in at times. throw in some crazy ol' pregnancy hormones and it's easy to become a neurotic mess.

not to mention, i feel like i've been pregnant two years straight and still waiting on the baby to arrive.

oh wait, that is pretty much the truth.

but now, at 37 weeks pregnant, we're busy making plans for a new baby. we've had to believe and trust that evan is actually coming home with us. every single act of preparation we've made for him has involved a conscious decision to believe and trust God for this baby boy. it is only by this faith that we finally have the crib set up and clothes hung in his closet. that the carseat is down from the attic and has been cleaned. that the nursery is getting it's final touches. that my hospital bags are almost completely packed. that we are slowly but surely getting physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to meet our newest son.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." ~Isaiah 26:3

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13

there was definitely no "flip of a switch"-type of transition from one pregnancy to the next; it's certainly taken the whole nine months to truly accept the blessing of a new, healthy baby, as well as to realize that the acceptance of evan as our newest miracle doesn't mean that we have to leave all things jonathan-related behind in order to move foward. i've reached a point in my healing where i have decided that all of what jonathan left behind is something to be shared and treasured, not tucked away in hidden places.

and so, through the tenderness and timely provision of the Lord a year and a half ago, evan has the perfect outfit to wear when we bring him home from the hospital...

baby ailah update

2010-11-26T21:26:00.000-06:00

i just learned that baby ailah passed away today after blessing her family with 28 days of life.

please continue to lift up her parents and family in prayer if you are so led.

thank you!

this just makes it all the more real...

2010-11-15T13:59:00.000-06:00

this is not news to anyone, but more like reality settling in for me...we're gonna have a baby. a ~~very large~~ healthy baby boy. sometime next month!!!

a couple of weekends ago, a group of friends and family helped make this seemingly distant event become very, very real to me with each word of encouragement i received as well as with each baby blue item i unwrapped.

this is actually happening. and it's time to celebrate...

the spread...

the amazing cake...it matches evan's nursery!

the gift centerpiece

the onesie says "I roll with Jesus" with a stroller on it!

hand-painted by my friend cathy!

group shot...unfortunately taken after a few ladies had already left.

family!

me at 32 weeks (evan is measuring 3 weeks ahead!)

i'm so thankful for everyone who has sent me such kind words of encouragement and sent up prayers on our behalf for baby evan and my pregnancy. we are blessed by you.

finally...

2010-11-07T22:31:00.002-06:00

...it's here!

after weeks of editing drawings and measurements, we are so pleased with the final product. "gulf coast monuments" in fort walton beach did a fantastic job.

the top part says "our gift from God" because that is what jonathan's name means. hence, the scripture at the bottom which reads "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17

the picture we chose completely represents where we believe jonathan is now...in the arms of Jesus. i can't even explain it in words, but the feeling i felt when jonathan died in my arms and the moments that followed...i know with absolute certainty that there was a holy presence in our hospital room that night. i've never felt it so strongly before in my life and i haven't felt it as strongly since. God was with us.

and so, just over a year after jonathan's birth and death, the headstone also represents to us the final thing that needed to be done for our son, almost like a large granite bookend to the past year. there's not much left for us to do now; maybe occasionally wipe off any dirt left from a rainstorm, or pull any weeds around his plot, and bring him seasonal flowers and other items. sadly, this kind of maintenance takes the place of us caring for him like we would if he were here with us. how i'd love to give him a bath, or have the opportunity to change a dirty diaper, or clean off his muddy hands or face after he had played in the dirt. instead, we get to parent a headstone.

wow, the perspective i've gained from all of this.

another goodbye

2010-11-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

this time, i am saying goodbye to my paternal grandmother, "mimi", who passed away yesterday just shy of 90 years of age. and even though she was almost 90, it was still somewhat of a shock that she passed away so suddenly, as she seemed to be in decent health most of the time. her passing makes it the third loss in my family in just a year and a half.

Mimi with Kate, a couple of years ago

but i know that the Lord ordaines our days and knows when they begin and when they end.

and i am thankful that i got to grow up with a grandmother who lived nearby and loved having all of the grandchildren over to her house. i have such great memories of spending time with all of my grandparents from as far back as i can remember.

i'm thankful that my children will have the same opportunity to spend lots of time with their grandparents as they too all live nearby.

i'm also touched that jonathan shares a birthday (october 8th) with my maternal grandmother, "nana", who passed away a few months before he did. my mimi's birthday is on december 9th, a couple of weeks before evan's due date. it sure would be interesting if evan were born on that day...i guess we will see.

baby ailah update

2010-10-30T21:57:00.000-05:00

baby ailah (see blog post below) was born yesterday and is doing very well! she is now 29 hours old. she is 4 pounds, 2 ounces and taking bottles on her own. what a little miracle! please continue to pray for this precious baby and her family.

thanks so much!

baby ailah

2010-10-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

one of the many blessings that has come from jonathan's life is that i get to "meet" wonderful people, either in person or online, who happen share the common bond of a fatal prenatal diagnosis or the loss of a baby.

my new friend darlene is expecting her first baby, a girl named ailah (pronounced "eye-lah") who has been prenatally diagnosed with trisomy 18. darlene and i exchanged emails before meeting at our recent run for new life 5K. there, we got to spend some time sharing about our babies and encouraging one another. ailah has a very special mommy.

ailah is scheduled to be born in just a few days.

please pray that all goes well with ailah's delivery and that the family gets to spend some precious moments with their new baby girl. so far, ailah seems to be doing wonderfully, in spite of her diagnosis. please pray for abundant peace and comfort for this family in advance of what they are likely to experience, whether it be minutes or several days, after the birth of their daughter.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~Psalm 23:4

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:18-31

"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" ~Nahum 1:7

i will post an update on baby ailah as soon as i get word. thank you for praying.

jonathan's celebration

2010-10-21T08:23:00.000-05:00

jonathan's first birthday has come and gone, but not without quite a bit of anticipation of this huge milestone in our lives. once it passed, i actually felt relief.

leading up to jonathan's birthday, i spent a lot of time thinking about october 8, 2009. i also initially put pressure on myself all week to put those thoughts into words and post it here as part of his "baby journal", but to be honest i really didn't know where to begin. usually to celebrate your baby's first year, you might post photos documenting the important milestones your baby reached throughout the year. or pictures of your baby digging into his first birthday cake. but i don't have any new pictures. i don't have anything new to share about what he's been up to, what he looks like now, or anything like that. celebrating your baby's first birthday when he died on the day he was born....i wasn't quite sure how to appropriately mark this occasion.

i also wanted to find "the perfect" scripture to post on his birthday blog but was having trouble finding exactly what i thought was the "right one." so i decided to let the pressure go with posting a blog and to just celebrate the occasion the way that felt most natural to us, and that included spending time with the people who were there when jonathan was born and supported us through the past year.

the night before jonathan's birthday, i picked up my bible to read that day's scripture. i've been reading consecutively through the Psalms every night before bed, and interestingly enough, that night the one i read was Psalm 40. the number 40 has meant such a great deal to me since jonathan's death because i believe it has biblical meaning: each time the number 40 is used in the bible, it marks a period of trial followed by a period of rest and restoration. it also happens to be the number of minutes jonathan lived after birth. coincidence? i personally don't believe in coincidence.

the first part of Psalm 40 reads:

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

~Psalm 40:1-5

Psalm 40 perfectly describes our last year without jonathan. how amazing (and timely) is that??

*****

we celebrated the jonathan's birthday by meeting at jonathan's gravesite with a small group of some of our closest friends and family that evening. our worship pastor lead a devotion and prayer time based on Psalm 111 and we gave all the kids balloons to release up to heaven.

Jonathan's marker...still no headstone on his birthday.

we then went out to a local mexican restaurant - the same one we ate at after jonathan's funeral - and fellowshiped over chips and salsa (and fajitas for evan.)

Some of my closest girlfriends

later, our families met at greg's parent's house and had cupcakes for dessert.

it was such a nice time without any tears. we still just feel so blessed to have experienced jonathan's life, even for such a short time, and i'm so glad we celebrated it the way that we did.

a divine puzzle

2010-10-19T14:29:00.000-05:00

check out this recent blog post about the details coming together for the "run for new life 5K" written by my friend (and OB) jennifer esses. a divine puzzle, indeed!

happy birthday

2010-10-08T08:09:00.000-05:00

happy birthday to our sweet jonathan today. we know he is having a grand celebration in heaven today and keeping those angels on their toes, i'm sure. we plan to send a few balloons up to the party later this evening.

in the meantime, we'll be remembering what a privilege it is to be his parents and an absolute blessing he continues to be in our lives.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17

a huge success

2010-10-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

this past saturday was the day our dreams, prayers, and planning of the first annual run for new life 5k came to fruition. and....it was a huge success! we had a turn out of over 170 runners, which doesn't include the many volunteers and spectators that also came out to support us. it was a beautiful day and everything just fell into place, allowing for a very enjoyable time to be had by all. we had this race covered in prayers and the Lord was so gracious to answer them.

the icing on top of the cake was definitely national christian artist heather williams' performance. she has an amazing voice and amazing testimony that i'm sure touched many in the audience.

words cannot express our appreciation to everyone to came out and participated in this meaningful event. thank you!!

below are some pictures from the event, or you can see all of the pictures here on our Facebook group page (you must have a Facebook account to access it.)

the organizers

packet pickup

me and my sweet momma who helped out

with the amazing Heather Williams

some of our wonderful volunteers

and they're off!

Heather Williams performing

baby evan update

2010-09-29T10:27:00.000-05:00

yesterday, greg and i breathed a big sigh of relief after our appointment with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart. not that we had too much to worry about since our baby boy has already pretty much been declared "healthy" a couple of times previously. however, at this appointment, evan would be big enough to really study his anatomy for more detail. for me, anytime we visit the specialist, i just can't help but think back to jonathan and those bittersweet appointments. while it was always wonderful to see him up on the big screen moving, sucking his thumb, and hiccupping...acting like a normal baby...it was also heartbreaking to see all of his problems and to be reminded that he basically had no chance of survival after birth. those difficult memories come sneaking around when it's time to make the trip to the specialist. even though dr. thorp and his staff are always so wonderful and kind to us, it's never a completely enjoyable event. and now there's always the "what-if" factor with evan. so, until this baby is safe in my arms, breathing on his own, nursing like a champ, and making huge messes in his diaper will i finally relax. (well, as much as you can relax with a newborn and a busy toddler in the house!)

we arrived at the appointment a little nervous and armed with a huge list of questions to ask about evan and about the pregnancy. most of those questions were based on the abnormalities either jonathan or i experienced the last time. basically, i just needed to be told that every detail of this pregnancy was normal and that evan had no issues that would make me wonder otherwise. we had prayed for good news at this appointment for months. so as we watched the ultrasound screen with big smiles and made compliments of our son that only adoring parents would make ("look at those cute chubby cheeks!"), our anxiety melted away and each question was answered to our satisfaction and reassurance.

so here's the latest with evan: he weighs approximately 2.5 pounds (61st percentile) and has long arms and legs. he has the most adorable profile and chubby cheeks (if i do say so myself!) the ultrasound tech even pointed to hair sticking up off of his scalp! he is already in the head-down position, which i had figured since i have been feeling baby feet up near my ribs lately. he smacked his lips and sucked his thumb during the ultrasound, too. he is also "still a boy"...i had them check again since a friend of mine just delivered a girl after being told for months it was a boy! in summary, evan is - as the specialist called him - beautiful and perfect. ahhhhh. that's the sound of weight lifting off of our shoulders! we are so thankful for this news!

as far as my health is concerned, everything looks good that affects the baby. my weight gain and blood pressure is perfect. the only minor glitch is that i have a cyst on my thyroid, but so far it has not affected the baby. there is really nothing that can be done for it until after delivery. the cyst is probably pregnancy-related (i have been pregnant 3 of the last 4 years...hmmm) and will hopefully disappear on it's own in the next few months. it's been mostly an irrelevant issue for me.

emotionally, i feel like i have finally gotten to a point where i have mentally separated my boys' pregnancies. especially after today. over the past couple of months, i have been able to bond with evan as evan and not compare him constantly to jonathan. the only time i still compare is at doctors' visits. i don't stress anymore over not feeling him move after a couple of hours, and i don't stress over the fact that i have yet to hear evan's heartbeat with my home doppler. i've begun to make preparations mentally and practically speaking that we will be bringing this baby home. even kate is getting excited over her baby brother that will be arriving sometime around christmas.

so here's evan's growth progress over the past month or so and a sweet profile pic of his face...

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks...Greg says I look like Barney the Dinosaur here! :)

24 weeks

26 weeks

26 weeks and 4 days old...isn't he adorable??? :)

just when we thought it was already big...

2010-09-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

....God is bigger!!

BIG news! we just learned that national Christian recording artist heather williams is coming to our "run for new life 5K"!

we had no idea that our "little" memorial run would reach such amazing proportions. as of right now, we have over 200 people signed up and now heather williams is coming to share her testimony of how she got through the loss of her baby boy, as well as sing two or three songs.

the way everything just fell into place for this to happen...well, it's obvious that God's hands are all over the details.

if you don't know who heather williams is (she's relatively new to the Christian music scene), then check out her short youtube video:

if you want more of her amazing story, check out this video (be warned~ you will need tissues):

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

"woven together" blanket

2010-09-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

this is the last blanket i will probably make for my "woven together" project for 2010, now that i am focusing on sewing evan's nursery bedding and accessories. as you may remember, under "woven together", i make preemie-sized blankets for babies who have been prenatally diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition.

here's a quick peek at what the blankets look like:

The monogrammed side is minky and the other side is flannel.

and what the tag looks like:

this project is still in the beginning stages since my focus has been a bit interrupted with a new pregnancy of my own. i plan to pick it back up in the early spring.

if by chance you are interested in following the progress on evan's nursery, hop on over to my sewing blog...

11 months

2010-09-09T13:45:00.001-05:00

today (the 8th) marks jonathan's 11 months in heaven. i must say that as his first birthday draws near, i have felt more emotional about him than i have in months.

once september arrived, the weather here cooled off noticibly. the sky is bluer and not as hazy with humidity. the days aren't as long anymore. and the butterflies are starting to show up.

i remember in the days immediately after jonathan died, i would spend lots of time just staring out into my backyard, which basically backs up to miles of woods. the sky was clear blue, the trees were still green and beautiful, and there were white and yellow butterflies everywhere. and i remember how broken my heart was.

almost a year later, my heart is not as broken. of course, it will always be broken because jonathan isn't here, but mostly i mean it is not as painful as it was for those first few months. the promise of the Lord to heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) is one of the many promises i've clung to over the past year or so as we've walked through this trial. i know i'm not totally healed yet, but i believe i will be one day.

seeing all the butterflies the past couple of weeks brings back a flood of emotional memories. but it also reminds me just how far i have come in the healing process after losing a baby. i could not have done it on my own; it has only been by the Lord's provision of grace and strength (and so much more!) that i am at a place where i see so much blessing in my life rather than devastation.

and sometimes, the tears fall not because of what i don't have, but because of what i do have, especially now.

"God is gracious"

2010-08-23T10:03:00.003-05:00

it's been the resounding theme of our last year or so: God is gracious.

from providing for us the daily grace and strength we needed in the beginning to get through every minute of the day, to His orchestration of every amazing detail of jonathan's life and our journey with him...God is gracious.

from meeting us at our deepest place of need, to exceedingly, abundantly blessing us with more joy and hope than we in our sorrow could ever have imagined...God is gracious.

through the tangible as well as the emotional and spiritual expressions of our family, friends, and church family, He provided indescribable love and comfort to us...God is gracious.

as jonathan died and we walked through the darkest hours of our lives, somehow there was still so much light...God is gracious.

in our daily struggles and sometimes failures to fully trust and submit to the Lord's plan for us, God gently drew us back to Him through His word and through His undeniable pursuit of us...God is gracious.

through the gift of pregnancy of our newest precious son, whose strong kicks and jabs bring me such joy and thankfulness throughout each day...God is gracious.

through God's provision of a special scripture (Isaiah 43:18-19), to reassure me when in my weakness i begin to feel anxious or fearful...God is gracious.

and that only begins to touch upon the many instances where God has shown us amazing grace in this journey.

therefore, it only seems fitting that we have decided to name our son "Evan", whose name means "God is gracious."

(we're still working on the middle name...)

"He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD is gracious and full of compassion." ~Psalm 111:4

20 weeks

2010-08-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

we're half-way there to meeting our new baby boy!

...and i'm doing things i never got to do with jonathan. for example, i'm thinking about what we'll actually need for this baby~ clothes to wear, a nursery to sleep in, toys to play with, and on and on.

as you might remember, i only shopped for the absolute necessities for jonathan: a blanket or two to wrap him in and an outfit to bury him in.

as the weeks go on and baby's kicks get stronger, i have been able to let myself daydream about the fun stuff and actually buy one or two things for him. in fact, i just ordered the fabric i'm going to use to sew his crib bedding, window valances, and pillows.

but because of where i've been, the fun stuff doesn't outweigh what's really important: baby boy is healthy and growing wonderfully. no material item can even come close.

run for new life 5K

2010-08-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

after several meetings, emails, phone calls, and many, many other arrangements, the first annual "run for new life 5K" is coming together nicely!

and....it's going to be much bigger than expected! the response has been amazing from the beginning.

i've gotten several messages about how you can participate, either by volunteering, running, or walking.

here are the details:

the race will take place on october 2, 2010 at 8 am at rocky bayou baptist church, niceville, florida. the course starts at the church and continues through the beautiful swift creek neighborhood, takes you past heritage gardens cemetery, and back to the church.

a registration fee of $15 covers your race number, t-shirt, and your chance to win door prizes. our intention is to use any extra funds to support a relevant non-profit ministry. the t-shirt will be a keepsake, with a place for you to write in the name of the person you are running in memory of.

the oak tree symbolizes strength, the acorn symbolizes new life, and the picture of the leaf is the same picture placed on hospital doors during the birth and death of a baby. it lets hospital staff be aware of the situation going on behind the door. we had it placed on our door when we arrived at the hospital to deliver jonathan.

our race verse is Romans 6:4: "...just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."

since it's our first go at this, we are just doing registration via facebook. here is the link to our event page.

if you don't have a facebook account and would like to participate, or if you have questions, please contact me via email.

packet pick-up will take place on friday, october 1, from 6-8 pm at rocky bayou baptist church.

we are looking forward to it and we hope to see you there!

10 months of heaven

2010-08-08T13:58:00.001-05:00

happy 10 months of heaven to our sweet jonathan today.

this description of heaven found in Isaiah 65 encourages me greatly...i hope it does the same for you too.

New Heavens and a New Earth

17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.

18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.

19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.

20 "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.

21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.

22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.

23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.

24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.

25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.

Amen.

the crossroad

2010-08-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

being pregnant so soon after losing jonathan has been a blessing as well as a challenge. i think the blessing part is obvious, and i'll be honest: in our case, being pregnant has been healing for us in many ways. of course, the new baby will never "replace" jonathan. but we are excited about adding to our family again, and already love this new baby so much.

however, the challenge has been to separate this pregnancy from jonathan's. with jonathan still so fresh in my memory, this new pregnancy inevitably gets compared at every milestone. at every appointment i anxiously await the exam results: is the heart beating? is the heart rate normal? are the measurements normal? am i normal?

since the trisomy 13 gene is not hereditary for us, there is no reason for us to think that this pregnancy would be anything but normal. however, having had such a devastating experience as we did, as much as we try not to "remember the former things", sometimes we just do. our scars are still fresh.

there is also the challenge of "moving forward" without feeling like we're leaving behind jonathan. time just marches on relentlessly, and we get further and further from that day we last saw him and held him. and yet simultaneously, the intensity of the grief is (thankfully) less and less as time goes on. this concept of time is very paradoxical. i despise it and appreciate it all at the same time. and so even though there is nothing i can do about how quickly time passes, i do feel guilty for wanting to move forward. for wanting to enjoy this new pregnancy. for wanting it to be separate.

for the first 15 and a half weeks of this new pregnancy, our journey was still tightly knit to jonathan's journey. and then finally, we came to a crossroad: our first big ultrasound with my OB.

and.....

our baby BOY is healthy and growing perfectly!

our prayers have been answered and the Lord has restored our loss, double! (1. healthy baby, and 2. BOY!)

and while jonathan's journey will continue on the path purposefully mapped out by the Lord Himself, greg and i took our first steps onto a new road filled with great hope and expectation.

*****

and of course our visit was not complete without God showing up in a big way. i was telling my OB about feeling like greg and i were finally able to begin walking the new road that has been graciously laid out before us.

she asked me if i had done my bible study homework for that day. (i've been meeting with a small bible study group led by my OB since june 22, which also happens to be a year to the day we found out something was wrong with jonathan. we've been studying the book of Ruth.)

sheepishly, i admitted that i hadn't yet...i had been so consumed with praying for good news at this appointment the past couple of days.

she explained that our study and homework for that very day was about ruth changing out of her mourning clothes and putting on new clothes. it was symbolic of moving past her loss and trusting God's plans for her new life.

i was amazed at the timing of this message! but not as amazed as i was once i finally did my homework for the day.

here is what it said:

"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Though we can't be certain what Ruth had on, we know her new dress signaled a change, a readiness, an availability to Boaz and to God for the possibility of something new.

Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever." ~ Kelly Minter, Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy

and then, there it was, AGAIN. i could hardly believe it. at the end of that day's homework, we were asked to read Isaiah 43:18-19. you know what it is by now:

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

and for the THIRD time in just a few weeks, God had my attention. (apparently He knows i might not get it after just one time so He is gracious enough to keep after me!)

i can barely contain my complete and total appreciation, thankfulness, joy, etc., etc. i have that God would be so kind to me to give me that message (again) on such an important day.

"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see." ~Psalm 118:23

"How amazing are the deeds of the LORD!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our LORD!" ~Psalm 111:2-4

working on the completely

2010-07-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

first of all, thank you so much for all the comments on my last post! we are so touched by them all. thank you for your encouragement and support.

i am also so happy that our "secret" is out. 16 weeks of keeping such a big secret is quite hard. the funniest response i've since heard from a friend was: "i hadn't heard you were pregnant, but i figured you would have taken care of a belly bump like that!" that's right, baby number three means showing a lot sooner. especially after just having a baby a few months ago. i was down to my last few shirts that weren't maternity but still disguised the bump pretty well. i'm very happy to be able to let everything just hang out now. maternity clothes, here i come.

*****

so obviously, while i'm finished writing in "parts", the story does not end there.

two days after i learned i was pregnant, i attended the beth moore simulcast "so long insecurity" with some of my close friends, including my OB. the only other person (besides greg of course) who knew i was pregnant at this point was her. i had already let her know that i no longer needed that progesterone test and i also shared with her about the amazing scripture that was on my mind that morning (Isaiah 43:18-19.)

anyway, "so long insecurity" was fabulous. while a lot of it was about combatting physical, emotional, and spiritual insecurity with God's Word, i knew in my heart what the message was for me: dealing with my insecurity about my relationship with God; being *completely* sold out that He is trustworthy and His Word is *completely* true. completely sold out means giving Him the reigns over every area of my life...including the lives of my children and trusting Him whether He chooses to give or take away. had He asked my permission a year ago to let Him give my son a terrible chromosome disorder, then ask us to carry him to term with all the potential complications, and then take him from us shortly after he was born, but all the while saying it was for the best and that He would provide for us everything we need to get through it....well i just don't know if i would have chosen that road. who would have?? but now, having been brought so far in my relationship with Him, especially after everything He promised came to fruition, you would think trusting Him *completely* would not be such an issue anymore.

alas, i am human. what can i say? i'm not proud of my issues. it's hard for me to admit to them. but i am working on them and God has been so sweet to me through it all.

sweet enough, that half-way through beth moore's teaching that day, she actually quoted the same exact scripture...Isaiah 43:18-19: "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

OK, God, you have my attention. it did not escape the attention of my OB either, as she reached over and touched my hand right as it was being spoken. it was like a confirmation that indeed, He is up to something new. and perhaps this verse is for me to cling to through it all....so long as i *completely* trust what He says.

God at work, part seven: rivers in the desert

2010-07-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

continued from part six (read first!)

two days later....

it was 5:00 in the morning and after a restless night of sleep, i was lying half awake in bed and a particular scripture was running through my head.

it wasn't a scripture i had recently read or heard, but it was definitely replaying itself over and over in my semi-consciousness.

this is what it was:

“Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert."
~ Isaiah 43:18-19

i took note of it, rolled over and went back to sleep.

a couple of hours later, i was staring at this:

PREGNANT!!

our hearts are overflowing with joy and praise for this precious blessing!

remember my desire and prayer to have a baby sometime in 2010? well, our due date is 12/31/2010. it makes me laugh everytime i think about that. isn't that just like Him to do that?

later that morning i shared with greg the scripture that was in my mind and we both agree in faith that it can only be God's reassurance for us as we embark on this new journey that is sure to include some anxiousness.

isn't He good? no, isn't He GREAT?!

thank you for your prayers and praise on our behalf.
love,
lauren and greg

God at work, part six: silence doesn't mean absence

2010-07-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

...continued from part five

i have been waiting for a couple of months to share the story about how the other idea i had to extend jonathan's legacy has come to fruition.

back in this blog post i shared about how the ministry "woven together" came to be (and i'm still working out some of the details.)

but here is the rest of the story.

awhile back, i wrote about how the six month mark was so hard for me. i think it was partly because i came to a point where i didn't know how to extend jonathan's legacy, which of course, is of utmost importance to me.

after much prayer and consideration, i came to the conclusion that i am only really good at two things: sewing and running. how could i use these things for good? the sewing part was obvious, and soon after, "woven together" came to be. the only thing i could think about for running would be to have a race in memory of jonathan, that would raise money towards some sort of ministry, i wasn't sure what at the time.

then i got an email from a T-13 mom in canada who was inviting everyone she knew to join in a run/walk in memory of her son, josiah. all of the proceeds would benefit their local NICU unit. and this was so motivating to me. this is what i needed to do for jonathan, and for the benefit of other babies like him.

however, the more i began to think of all of the arrangements and preparations this event would entail, i realized that such an event was more than just a one-family job. if we were going to do it right, we were talking about dozens of volunteers, financial sponsors, t-shirts, race numbers, race event management, setting up a non-profit organization, and all sorts of coordinations with local personnel, such as EMTs for medical emergencies and police to handle traffic. oh yeah, this was WAY above just me and my little dream for my son's memory.

i felt i should just let it go as a lost cause, but something inside wouldn't let me. i kept thinking about it and wondering what to do with it, but i still had no real direction. besides, all of this was taking place during the time i felt that God was being more "silent" than He had with me previously.

so late this spring, i had an appointment with my OB. don't get excited, it was just for my annual check-up, and i was going to talk to her about the problems in my cycle that i had noticed. and while i was there, somehow, the topic of extending jonathan's legacy came up. i explained that i had two ideas, but was probably going with the sewing idea because the running idea was out of my league.

and this is where it gets good.

after i went over my two ideas, she told me that for a few weeks now, God had really been laying on her heart that she needed to plan a race that would be in memory of the babies that had been lost by patients of hers over the last year or two. the same idea also happened to be on the heart of another one of those patients. she said that God had already given her a vision of the race route, which happened to include my church and the cemetery where jonathan was buried, and had given her a scripture to go along with the race. she also said that the race would take place in october, which is national pregnancy and infant loss month (and the month jonathan was born.) she already had sponsors in mind and other details in order.

i was in complete awe as she told me these things. this is why i wasn't able to let go of the idea. my idea fit into her plans (God's plans!) perfectly, as now i would just be able to *help* others plan the race, and it didn't have to be some huge undertaking by just one person.

it was also amazing to me to realize that just because God had been silent with me, it didn't mean He wasn't at work behind the scenes.

stay tuned for details about the first annual "Race for New Life 5K", coming this October!

*****

so while i was there, of course, i talked to her about the problems with my cycle and showed her all of my charts to "prove it." and because of where i was in my cycle on that very day, she decided to give me a pregnancy test. if it was negative, the next step was to come back in a couple of weeks for a progesterone test.

it was negative.

but for some reason, i didn't feel down about it this time around. perhaps because of the amazing conversation i had had with her at the appointment, i didn't doubt again that God wasn't at work, even if i couldn't see it all the time.

stay tuned for part seven....

9 months

2010-07-08T09:45:00.000-05:00

happy 9 months of heaven to my sweet jonathan today. it's hard to believe that now he's been gone longer than he lived here with us.

the good news is that we're getting closer to actually buying him a monument for his gravesite. i went into a monument store this past tuesday to check out the options. we pretty much already know what we want, but we just haven't followed through with the order. i was doing pretty good emotionally until i heard the sales lady talking to a man who was making a monument order for his baby boy that just passed away july 2. i heard him say that his wife got to hold the baby for 6 hours.

and that's when i knew that i wasn't going to be able to be as strong as i thought i would be.

i also sure felt sorry for the sales lady. two customers wanting monuments for two baby boys in the course of 15 minutes. probably not her ideal sale.

so hopefully we'll complete the order in the next week or two and have the monument in place by his first birthday.

and that will be the last thing we have to do for him, to give him everything he "needs."

the finality of it all is quite depressing.

God at work, part five: encouragement through scripture

2010-07-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

continued from part four...

i have never experienced something so devastating as empty arms. the pregnancy was difficult, but the empty arms afterward...indescribable. the feeling has lessened over the last several months as we've healed emotionally, but there are times when it's still hard of course.   i'm sure it was the feeling of empty arms shortly after jonathan's death that greatly increased my desire for another baby. (i didn't necessarily want the pregnancy that comes with it, only the baby, if that makes sense.)   i guess it is because of the relationship a mother has with her unborn baby, but i felt i knew jonathan long before he was born; his habits, his movements, his personality, his food cravings, etc., and perhaps this allowed me the ability to "let go" much sooner. i did most of my grieving during my pregnancy with jonathan and i believe that's why i was ready for another baby before greg was. like most dads, greg only really began his relationship with jonathan once he was born...and therefore didn't have as much time to enjoy him like i did. for many weeks afterwards, having another baby was not even on the radar for greg.

after a couple more months of waiting ~~patiently~~ inpatiently and praying for my husband as he grieved, finally we were both ready to have another baby. but it also meant i would have to face my fears of being pregnant again. after talking through some of the fears mentioned in the previous post, we both felt a peace about moving forward with family plans.  and soon, for me, the fear was replaced with a very strong desire to have a healthy newborn in my arms by the end of this year. it also didn't help this feeling of urgency when so many women i know are pregnant right now. i think the count to date is up to about 25 friends/aquaintances...seriously. God has been busy.

so...you can imagine my disappointment when i did not get pregnant right away. for some reason, i foolishly thought that after what we had gone through, we would have a baby in our arms nine months after we decided to. and then, month after month of not getting pregnant has been a bitter pill to swallow also.  but each time, it has been like God is asking me (again), "so do you trust Me or not?"

ultimately, i know that God's timing is perfect. His ways are perfect. "But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." ~Psalm 33:11  but in my impatience and weakness, i determined that God needed help, so i did what i thought would help things along, so to speak, and i began reading fertility books and started "charting." (not that there is anything wrong with this...but i believe i did it out of a lack of faith, which soon seeped into other areas of my life.) and to make matters worse, charting showed me that i might have a problem with my cycle which could be an obstacle to us getting pregnant anytime soon...and a possible delay to the "timeline" i have going for myself.

it was then that i realized that i was spending more time reading those fertility and pregnancy books then i was spending time in scripture and prayer with the Creator of life Himself.

two years ago, i committed to reading the bible from start to finish. interestingly enough, as i was reading through the books on my own, often they would match up to things going on in my life. for instance, i read about passover "coincidentally" just as we were celebrating passover at our church. or i would read a scripture that was completely relevant to something i was experiencing in life at that moment. it happened so often, that to call them "coincidences" would be ignorant of me. i only took time off from reading chronologically while i was pregnant with jonathan and after his death since i studied scripture topically during that time.

and so when i picked up where i left off a few months ago, i feel like God has met me right where we left off, and has been using scripture to encourage me in all areas of my life, even in my journey to get pregnant.

here are a few examples...

back in march of this year and after finding out that yet, once again that i was not pregnant, i was reading through Nehemiah of all places.  the book of Nehemiah provides great illustration of how prayer and hard work can accomplish seemingly impossible things when a person trusts and obeys the Lord.   Nehemiah constantly prayed that God would remember him with favor for what he has done: "Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services." ~Nehemiah 13:14

this scripture stuck out to me because i felt like it was something i could pray for myself; that God would remember what we went through with jonathan and He would look upon us with favor as we prayed for another baby. now, i realize by saying this it may appear that i am boasting in "what i did" by carrying jonathan, or that i feel like i "deserve another baby" as a reward because we carried jonathan.  i certainly hope no one takes my words the wrong way. we would have done the same whether a "reward" or "blessing" was going to be given at the end of it or not.  anyway, i know i don't deserve a single thing from God, but why not pray along the same lines that Nehemiah did? it's in scripture for a reason, right?

and then i came to the book of Job, which i was not excited about reading at all after what we had just experienced, but days after struggling through it, i finally came to the end and read about how the Lord restored to Job double everything he had lost. God restored everything double! whether that means literally double or just double the blessing, i decided why not pray for twice the blessing for ourselves after our loss? can't hurt, right? whether that means twins or just double the blessing for us, it didn't matter to me.

and finally, a very special person to me sent me this scripture she said the Lord laid on her heart for me during this time: "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." ~Hebrews 10:35-36

no matter what the answer to my prayer would be, these scriptures were certainly encouraging either way. never have i treasured scripture more in my life, and i know that this is harvested directly from my trial with jonathan. i'm sorry that it took losing my son to draw me deeper into His Word, but now i am so thankful for these precious words that bring me such hope and encouragement.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." ~2 Timothy 16-17

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." ~Hebrews 4:12

and the journey continues...in part six.

God at work, part four: a new journey

2010-07-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

i haven't spoken of this much, outside of my closest friends anyway, but i do feel like it is relevant to jonathan's journey: the desire to expand our family with another baby and the various emotions that go along with it.

having another baby also happens to be something we get asked a lot about lately. well, not usually asked to our faces, but mostly filtered through our friends and family. i have learned to appreciate people's concern for us in this matter, as most truly just want us to see us move forward with life.

but this is exactly the issue i sometimes struggle with: moving on. without jonathan. with another baby. who isn't jonathan.

i think anyone who has experienced any kind of baby loss, whether it's an early miscarriage or an unexplained death of a completely healthy baby, can probably relate. the months just keep marching along and there is still that void that jonathan leaves everyday. and a different void because our family is still not "complete", even though i gave birth to two babies.

so i assume it's normal to go through a myriad of emotions leading up to and during pregnancy following that loss.

for me, there is the guilt i've felt by thinking of having another baby; as if i am moving on without jonathan. or replacing him with another baby, knowing good and well that he can't be replaced.

then there is an incredible sense of fear of carrying another pregnancy that would end in some kind of heartbreak again - that the proverbial lightning would strike twice. and, i've learned from others' stories that this is a very real possibility. (not necessarily trisomy 13, but some other kind of problem or miscarriage.) i also have thoughts about whether my body was affected by working so hard to keep jonathan alive for 8 months. so much about my pregnancy with him was abnormal...i sometimes wonder if my body can handle another pregnancy well.

and then, of course, is the fear that we would not be able to have more children. we know this is always a possibility, as we're aware of a few friends' struggles with infertility.

so while these feelings probably seems reasonable, i also feel so wrong and guilty to feel this way. after all that we went through and everything God provided for us, i have no reason NOT to trust Him in these matters. in fact, i feel quite like an ancient israelite after feeding on manna in the desert, still questioning whether God is trustworthy. and on a side note, i used to judge those israelites for doing that. how could you not trust the God that you can hear, experience, not to mention actually witness the tangible provisions that He miraculously gave? oh yeah. now i know the feeling.

so God has been at work in my heart on this. first, He gently brings it to my attention that perhaps i am not able to trust Him 100% with my children's lives, including future children. and then He's been taking me on another incredible journey to trust Him with all the relevant details to having another baby. it's a rather long story, so i'll be kind and break it up into segments. :)

to be continued...

i'll take it

2010-06-28T09:29:00.000-05:00

i got a (seemingly legit) email the other day informing me that this blog (jonathan's journey) has placed #54 out of the top 60 "2010 Top Mom and Dad Blogs."

two things:

1. i did not know this existed
2. it's a good thing they consider the top 60 blogs instead of top 50, right?

but i'll take it.

as this blog was only originally intended to be a place where family and friends could check in on our pregnancy with jonathan, it amazing and humbling that anyone else would even care to read about our journey. it has truly blessed us, the encouragement and prayers we've received from around the world. thank you.

if you care to know more about the site that does the awarding, you can click here.

sweet feet

2010-06-22T09:06:00.000-05:00

just in time for father's day, we received this wonderful keepsake pillow bearing jonathan's footprints from the ministry "cherished soles." It's a small pillow embroidered with jonathan's name and birthdate on white linen. i presented it to my husband as his gift from his son.

the footprints are actual size. look how tiny...

it had been awhile since i'd seen these sweet little feet, even though they are stamped in my bible.

i had forgotten just how small they are. just how perfect they are. just how kissable they were.

but as always, i was reminded of the amazing miracle that jonathan was and continues to be, eight and a half months later. and the "cost" of carrying him (too high, as perceived by many) was worth every heartache just to meet him and kiss those feet. not a single regret, instead, just peace and lots and lots of love. i am so thankful for these precious moments with my son.

happy father's day to my wonderful husband. jonathan couldn't have asked for a better daddy.

kate and i love you so much and are so blessed to have you in our lives.

7 years and 8 months

2010-06-08T20:12:00.000-05:00

yesterday, june 7th, greg and i celebrated 7 years of marriage! it seems crazy to me that so much time has passed. but i guess that's what happens when you're having fun. two and a half of those years have been consumed with the joys of watching our precious daughter kate grow up and then the last 8 months of living without jonathan has just flown by as well. i'm not quite sure i remember what we did before having kids. we must have been pretty bored. and as the saying goes, having kids is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. if so, then losing a child is being not quite sure you will ever recover from having that heart broken.

*****

i heard the funniest thing at a baby shower the other day. another mom was telling the new mom-to-be, "they say that when you are delivering a baby, that when the placenta comes out, it is actually your brain." how true is that! actually, i think once you are pregnant, you immediately begin losing brain cells that control your memory. somehow, the baby just sucks them right out of you. my husband would vouch for that one.

another time, i've heard someone explain it this way: when you become a mother, there is always part of your brain that is devoted to and working non-stop thinking about your child(ren.) i think this is absolutely true as well. there is not a moment in the day when i am not thinking about something that has to do with kate or jonathan. even though jonathan hasn't been here for 8 months, he is so deeply part of who i am, just like kate is, that he is always on my mind no matter what i am doing.

it's true that i can be having a conversation with someone and making a list in my head of things i need to do for kate that day. just as it's true that i can be smiling or laughing and be grieving for jonathan at the same time.

talk about multi-tasking.

and i won't even go into how draining it is to constantly think about/grieve for a baby that has passed away. i'm surprised i even remember my own name some days.

but when i really consider my life and all that the last 7 years have held, i conclude that i am just so, so blessed. i have a fantastic husband who is just as fantastic a father to my children. we have unconditional love and support from our parents. i have a daughter who makes the "terrible twos" look like the "terrific twos." and i have a son who has taught me that even in loss, there is incredible joy and blessing throughout the journey.

i truly have so much to be thankful for.

*****

greg and i celebrated in destin with a TON of sushi and hibachi and then took a walk on the beach, possibly for the last time before the oil hits. it was right at dusk and in the distance all around were some incredible thunderstorms brewing, sending the occasional streak of lightning here and there. we felt like tourists, taking in the white sand and clear green waters as if it was the last time we would see it for awhile. and unfortunately, it just may be true for us.

here are some of our beach pictures...

a song for this part of the journey

2010-05-26T19:01:00.000-05:00

this song has meant so much to me on this particular part of my journey, that i wanted to share it. everytime it comes on the radio, i have to stop and give thanks for everything the Lord has done for me. i hope you'll take the time to listen and read the lyrics. by the way, i did not make the video, but it was the best one i found for this song.

Healing Hand of God
Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces,
I fear in the pain.
I have watched the tears fall plenty,
From heart ache and strength.
So if life's journey,
Has you weary and afraid.
There's rest in the shadow of his wings.

I have walked through the valleys,
The mountains and plains.
I have held the hand of freedom,
It washes all my stains.
If you feel the weight of many trials,
And burdens from this world.
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord.

Chorus:
I have seen,
The healing hand of God,
Reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God.

I have touched the scars upon His hands,
To see if they were real.
He has walked the road before me,
He knows just how I feel.
When you feel there is not anyone,
Who understands your pain,
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering.

(Chorus)

Cast all your cares on Him,
For He cares for you.
He's near to the broken and confused.
By His stripes,
Our spirit is renewed.
So enter in the joy prepared for you.

(Chorus)

The healing hand of God (x2)
And hold on to what's being held out (x2)
The healing hand of God

God at work, part three: woven together

2010-05-24T14:01:00.001-05:00

on june 24, 2009, we helplessly watched the ultrasound screen at our appointment with the maternal-fetal specialist, as he explained to us all the abnormalities he was seeing in our son's body.

and then, the news: our son would die, most likely in utero. maybe within days, maybe within weeks. his chance of survival after birth was almost non-existent.

how could this have happened? did God make some huge mistake when creating our son?

no relevant information could be found in any pregnancy book i owned. so those books were put away and we turned to the scriptures for answers.

what we found was that jonathan was woven together by God exactly the way he was supposed to be and that his days were ordained long before he was conceived. (Psalm 139.)

introducing: woven together

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am

fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together

in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

~ Psalm 139:13-16

woven together is the name of the ministry i am working on, which aims to honor pre-born babies who are purposefully created in such a way that they receive a devastating prenatal diagnosis, as well as to encourage mothers as they bravely choose life while facing eventual loss.

each prenatally-diagnosed baby will receive a personalized, embroidered preemie baby blanket, personally "woven together" by me. the idea is not original or complex, obviously, but i think something that makes it extra special is that the name or monogram of each baby will be embroidered on the blanket. i believe every mother who is facing or has experienced a loss understands the importance the child's name being remembered, and of a lasting personalized keepsake.

for those mothers who experience an unexpected loss during or shortly after birth for any reason, my plan is to embroider the name or monogram of their babies onto a piece of fabric that can be used as a quilt square, a photo album cover, in a framed photo set or shadow box, the front of a pillow, or other keepsake project. the possibilities are endless. i've decided to make it a more "do it yourself" type of keepsake, because it allows for many keepsake ideas and possibilities, as well as the satisfaction of making something special for your child.

i am truly honored to be able to offer encouragement to those mothers who are walking the same difficult road as i am, as well as to do something for others in memory of my precious son jonathan. right now, i am prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance on this ministry, and am expecting it to evolve somewhat as certain needs or requests come to light.

eventually i'll post more details, contact info, etc.

i would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions as well by way of a comment. :)

God at work, part two: healing and a new ministry

2010-05-15T13:21:00.000-05:00

part of what God's been working on in my heart these days is healing. it's been a long process, and it's not over yet. but the more i draw close to Him through prayer and reading scripture, the more i can truly feel Him binding up my wounds.

i never realized until this year just how many scriptures are about the sorrows we all will experience here on earth and how, with God's grace and mercy, He leads us through the trials we face and we become stronger because of them. i'm guessing that i never noticed them all because until this past year, i had never had moments where i truly didn't know how we were going to make it through each day; where waking up each morning meant we were another day closer to my son dying. the promises to me in those scriptures were the only hope i had to survive the nightmare i was living.

and now when i re-read those scriptures, i am at peace. comforted. but i'm especially joyful, because my God did not let me down. every promise came true. and now i know, from experience, that He is absolutely trustworthy and good.

and that, my friends, is where i began noticing healing in my heart.

in the past couple of months, i've seen healing in my life in other ways: i've held my first newborn that wasn't jonathan. my sister's baby, sophie, was born in march. i found out that my sister was pregnant a day or two after i found out that jonathan would die. i wasn't sure how i would feel about sophie after she was born, but to my surprise, i'm actually OK about it all. i've even enjoyed being around her (and not in some i-want-to-steal-your-baby kind of way. in case you're wondering.) but mostly, i know that jonathan fulfilled a purpose in his short life, and he did it well. and i'm proud of him; proud to be his mommy. i wouldn't want it any other way. no other baby could fulfill what jonathan accomplished.

sweet baby sophie

i've also attended my first baby shower, which happened to be for my dear friend lindsey, who i occasionally mention in this blog and as you'll remember, she lost her baby gabrielle at 22 weeks. she's now due in a couple of days with her baby boy, luke. being at her shower was not uncomfortable for me at all, and i wouldn't have missed it for anything. my gift to her included about five baby items that i enjoyed handmaking for her. and that's another example of how i know i'm healing: it doesn't bother me one bit to make cute baby items for other people's healthy babies or for baby showers.

two of my favorite friends, cathy and lindsey

and that's why now i feel is the time to start using my sewing ability to encourage others who are walking a similarly difficult road as i am. it's one of the two things i have in mind to do for jonathan's legacy.

it all starts with a story about my sewing room.

about two years ago, when my sewing hobby was becoming a small business, i decided to turn one of our extra bedrooms into my sewing room. some people have guest bedrooms, some people have dens or offices, and i've even heard of some people having man-caves. so having a sewing room was like having my very own get-away room...and freed up my dining room again for dining. but not that we ever use it for dining anyway. (who does??)

so you can imagine my predicament when i became pregnant with baby number two (jonathan.) i hoped he would be a girl so i could stick her in a crib in kate's bedroom and keep my sewing room. and yes, i realize how selfish this is, but at this time i was busy, busy, busy and needed a place i could spread out and work. and, i had my sewing room just the way i wanted it. i know: selfish.

when we were in my OB's office on june 22nd of last year, getting that fateful ultrasound, we actually found out that we were having a boy before our doctor discovered any problems.

i was in shock that i was having a boy. i had been sick for several weeks, just like i had been with kate. i just assumed because of this, i was having another girl. and in that moment of shock, several things ran through my mind as i tried to grasp i was going to have a baby boy. and one of those things, i'm embarrased to admit, was that i was going to have to give up my sewing room.

a few seconds later, my doctor discovered our baby had a cleft lip, a marker for a genetic disorder, specifically trisomy 13.

so, given what transpired in the days and months to follow, with the diagnosis of trisomy 13 and severe heart defects, and then jonathan's eventual birth and death....whether to keep a sewing room or make it into a nursery becomes completely, absurdly trite, doesn't it? what i wouldn't give up to have my baby boy here, happy and healthy.

well, in a horribly ironic twist of fate, i got to keep my sewing room after all, and learned a hard lesson in perspective through my circumstances. i quit sewing for several months and canceled all my orders. most of what i sew is for babies and toddlers anyway, so there was another reminder i didn't need during that time.

it wasn't until the end of september that i picked it back up, when i realized how sewing could be therapy. when you sew, you focus and concentrate on every stitch, every cut, making sure it's precise. there isn't much room to think about anything else, lest you make a mistake. even at the end of my pregnancy, when i would sew, it was the only time i wasn't thinking about having a baby that was going to die.

seven months later, sewing is still therapy to me. i'm back in the swing of things and people are having lots of healthy babies, so business is good. but i also want to do something to honor the babies who have been diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition prenatally, and those babies who are born still or die shortly after birth. i am completely convinced that each of these children have just as great a purpose in life as any healthy child, but with a shorter life span. and as proven in jonathan's life, as well as many other babies who have died that i know of, God can take the least of us and glorify Himself the most.

more details to come.

where i've been....

2010-05-10T20:31:00.000-05:00

...in case you've been wondering.

for the last week or so, i've been here:

and here:

enjoying it before it's gone....

7 months and mother's day

2010-05-08T13:01:00.000-05:00

remembering my sweet jonathan today and thinking about all the other mothers i know who have also lost a baby.

i am praying for God to bless you this mother's day.

love,
lauren

God at work, part one (and another prayer request)

2010-05-03T09:47:00.002-05:00

the next several blogs will be written as a series entitled, "God at work" and will record some of the amazing ways He's been active in my life lately.

*****

looking back over the past six months (almost 7 months now) of life without jonathan, and being able to analyze that time without the bias of sadness lately, i've come to realize that there's another factor that plays largely into the difficulty of the six-month milestone.

and that is, what happens now? where does jonathan's legacy go from here?

yesterday, i was talking with another mom of a baby in heaven, and we both agreed that it really is so important to us that the memory of our lost children continue somehow. and the longer that child is gone, the harder it is to accomplish, it seems. for me, it was at six months that i reached a point of feeling like i needed to do something more than just my blogging. i needed to do something to extend jonathan's legacy that would also benefit moms who are just embarking on this difficult journey i've been on for almost a year now. to "pay it forward", so to speak.

so, for the past several weeks now, i've been praying about and brainstorming ways to extend jonathan's legacy.

and i've realized that i'm only good at two things. that's right, just two. it's humbling, but the Lord has shown me that i can use both of those things in my overall mission. so i'm OK with it. :)

i'll be introducing them seperately in future blog posts.

*****

i have another prayer request if anyone is willing to pray for this....

as you know, i live on the emerald coast of florida, which is located right on the gulf of mexico, between pensacola and panama city. it includes the cities of destin, fort walton beach, and niceville, plus two large air force bases and several other small towns. we have snow white beaches and crystal green-blue water, and the best seafood anywhere.

in a matter of days, our entire gulf coast is probably going to be devastated by the oil spill off the coast of louisiana. devastated as in, catastrophic loss of animal life, ecosystems destroyed, people's livelihoods ruined, and our tourism industry (basically, our economy) tanked. it has the potential to create damage we might not recover from for years and years. i know our God is sovereign and there is nothing that comes to a surprise to Him, but i also believe He has the power to step in and minimize the damage to not only our area, but to the other affected states as well. please pray for this on our behalf, if you are so willing.

in the meantime, i'll be spending my time at the beach and eating shrimp until the oil rolls in.

a sincere thanks,
lauren

update on baby joshua

2010-04-29T17:06:00.000-05:00

joshua was born this morning, via c-section.

he was born alive, and lived for about an hour and a half.

their pastor came and baptized joshua before he passed away, a symbol of dedicating him to the Lord.

i am so thankful to the Lord for giving this family these precious moments with their son.

please continue to lift this family up for healing.

thank you so much for praying!!

another prayer request

2010-04-28T21:22:00.001-05:00

please be in prayer for my friend, kristi, and her family as she goes in to deliver her baby joshua tomorrow morning at 7:30 CST. joshua has trisomy 18, which is also considered "not compatible with life" by medical standards.

please pray that joshua is born alive and that his family gets to spend some precious moments with him.

please pray for peace and comfort for kristi and her family.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

a quick update

2010-04-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

a lot has happened since i last wrote. my last blog entry reflected a dip i had experienced in this journey of highs and lows, and i got several emails from people making sure i was OK. the six month milestone was more difficult than i had expected, but truthfully, i should have expected it to be hard. but overall, i'm doing well. we're doing well, all three of us. really, there are so many more good days than bad. i'm so thankful that this journey of loss actually can have good days! and not just here and there. many, many good days. it's a bit paradoxical, i realize. but because my blog tends to be my therapy, so to speak, the lows get recorded just as often as the highs.

so lately, both my journey of faith and my journey to healing have been very active lately in very good ways. it always happens this way: i have a bad day or two of missing my baby boy and the Lord responds with an abundance of love and peace. gosh, i love that Man.

He's also apparently been very busy behind the scenes since the last time i blogged, orchestrating meetings and events, answering prayers, revealing new things and sharing perfectly timed scripture with me during my quiet times and to me through other people. all things some would consider mere "coincidences." and, all these events and scriptures are connected and intertwined with each other like a huge spider web. i want to share all the details with you so you will be as amazed as i am at what's been going on, but i'm just not even sure where to start. it might have to be told through a series of future blogs.

but for now it's just important that everyone knows we're doing OK. thank you from the bottom of our hearts for continuing to care for us, pray for us and write to us.

and stay tuned! :)

six months of loss

2010-04-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

i haven't written much lately because i haven't had much to say, i guess.

i'll be honest: the six month mark was hard for me.

i heard that around four to six months can be the hardest time after a loss. i didn't know it would happen to me until the other day when a sweet friend, who i had not seen in almost a year, asked me to tell her all about jonathan.

normally, i would jump at the chance and proudly talk about one of my favorite subjects. instead, through tears, all i could get out was that i didn't know what to say about him anymore.

it was six months ago now since i last saw him. it feels like such a long time has passed since i've held my sweet boy. and it wasn't like i could tell her what he had been up to lately or what milestones he had reached, as much as i would have liked to.

and maybe that's what's so hard about six months for me; that my loss is not just the loss of my newborn. it's the loss of my two-month-old who loves to smile. it's the loss of my three-month-old who might be rolling over. or my four-month-old who just discovered the joys of laughing. or my five-month-old who is sitting up. or my six month old who is starting solid foods. and on. and on.

and so i'm aware that every month that jonathan might have lived, the losses will continue to multiply.

i realize that today i'm focusing on the losses and not the gains we've witnessed from jonathan's life. trust me, i believe that the gains were even more significant than the loss. really. i'm especially aware that our loss is his gain because he's in heaven where there are no tears; no pain. he is healed and perfect.

at the same time, i know that the losses i'm counting are simply worldly. not the loss of jonathan himself, of course, but the experiences i'm missing out on with him. the bible makes it clear that as a believer, i will see jonathan again in heaven and even possibly get to raise him there. as in, i didn't miss out after all. gosh, if i could just wrap my mind around that fully, i know i would feel completely comforted and appeased.

it's just that lately, i am really missing him. and i can comprehend that more than i can fully comprehend complex biblical truths that require faith, not sight. and so, the journey of faith continues (as it should.)

so in spite of feeling this way, i'm trying to remember that while these losses are great, i still have everything i need. i love this quote a friend posted on facebook:

"Let your pious hearts be comforted under the loss of all terrestrial vanities [earthly things]. Let them shout for joy under all trials and crosses. For under the loss of all things, you possess all things still. The immortal God is yours; and in Him you have all and need no more." - Edward Griffin

6 months

2010-04-08T17:05:00.001-05:00

remembering my sweet jonathan today...

hope for healing

2010-04-05T16:05:00.001-05:00

this year, easter was bittersweet.

bitter, obviously, because my son was not here to participate in our family's traditions of egg hunting, attending church, and then a big dinner with both of our families. i didn't get to dress him up. i didn't get to make him an easter basket. and i didn't get to watch kate steal eggs out of his basket, as i suspect she would have done if he were here.

bitter, because this year, our traditions were broadened to include visiting our baby boy's gravesite.

bitter, because at the egg hunt i happened to stand right next to a new father, who proudly gushed about his five-month-old baby boy's recent milestones; how he was just starting to army crawl a little bit. in the split second i allowed myself to look at the baby, i noticed how adorably chubby he was. i guessed he weighed somewhere around 17 pounds.

and then i looked away.

i definitely felt bitter. actually, more like crushed. wounded.

*****

i love how God, through His word, has a way of gently reminding me of who He is, what He has done for me, and why i shouldn't be so focused on the temporal all the time. yes, my pain is real. yes, life is not the same without jonathan. but if i focus on those sorrows without remembering the true significance of easter, then of course it will be bitter.

i am reminded what crushed and wounded really means in Isaiah 53:4-6:

"Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."

and suddenly it wasn't so bitter anymore.

the sweetness of this truth is that i have a God who knows my pain. who also willingly suffered incomprehensible pain on the cross.

for me.

so that i would have hope, as i suffer in this fallen world, to be fully healed one day.

and hope that one day i will celebrate easter with my precious jonathan.

the ultimate rejection. well, sort of.

2010-04-01T11:43:00.001-05:00

so, i know i've talked a lot about the rejection we have experienced since our journey with jonathan has begun. or, at least what i consider rejection. in the big scheme of things, i realize that it's really not that big of a deal. i mean, do i really care what people think about us, our decision to carry jonathan, or our faith? or that people chose not be supportive or to be our friends anymore? if i had known the rejection was going to happen, would i have still made the same choices? of course it wouldn't have changed a thing. but apparently i do care about what people think of me, more than i thought.

there. i said it. i care too much about what people think of me, even complete strangers. even the cowardly, hateful, anonymous newpaper commenters.

well, recently, friends, i've discovered i've endured the ultimate rejection. i mean, it doesn't get much worse than this. are you ready for it? i can barely get it out.......

i've been defriended on facebook. yep, you read it right. by at least four or five people over the past few months. you know how i know? because the first time i noticed i was no longer friends with one certain person, i "friended" them again, thinking that maybe it was an accident or facebook problem or something. it can happen, right? so the second time i noticed i wasn't friends anymore with this person, i finally got it. and folks, i am not even a natural blonde. :)

ouch. this kind of rejection is something even the apostles did not have to experience.

ok, i'm totally kidding here.

but seriously, defriended? so i have chosen to write an open letter to these former facebook friends. here we go:

dear former facebook friends,

seriously, defriended?

but we went to high school or college together, doesn't that count for something? even if i haven't actually seen you in, like, 15 years? defriended and not just blocked from your newsfeed? you know, there's an app for that. defriending makes me feel like i'm back in high school or something and i didn't say "hi" to you as we passed in the hallway.

considering that we don't really know each other anymore (a lot happens in 15 or so years), you are either defriending me because of (1.) the person i was in high school or early college (don't worry, i'd defriend me, too, for that) or (2.)  the person who i've become, all wrapped up in a tidy package on the "about me" page on facebook, saying that my name is lauren, i'm married to greg, and we have a 2 year old and a 40-minute old, who's in heaven. oh, and that my religious and political views are both "christian."

i'm pretty sure my status updates could not be offending to you.  i don't quote scripture in them. i don't even quote quotes about scripture, God, or Jesus. maybe you are offended or annoyed that i was excited a few months ago when my baby girl went #2 on the potty for the first time ever.

oh, but there was that "note" i wrote about our baby boy's diagnosis back in june. and how we were choosing to continue the pregnancy and relying on God for strength. oh, and there were the pictures of me, pregnant and smiling in my profile picture. perhaps that was offending to you, that i would choose life instead of abortion. oh, and there was a lot of status updating going on in october when my baby was born. and died. and maybe there was some more talk about God and Jesus at that time. i know that Jesus is an especially offensive topic to some.

here's the thing: of course, i am only making an assumption as to why you defriended me. but in case you didn't know, for almost a year now, i have walked a very difficult journey of faith and trust. it has been a journey that, if i didn't have faith, i might be dead right now, at least spiritually and emotionally. it's been a journey that has forced me out of the proverbial closet as a christian, because our suffering was so public. people watched us make difficult choices and react to the circumstances we'd been given.  yet, the biggest choice i had to make was made in private:  whether or not to truly trust the God of the bible. the faith i had as a child was not good enough for this journey, yet i considered it "good enough" for me until this past year. you see, i could have my comfortable faith and yet no one would label me as a "Jesus freak" or anything else considered unpopular in this culture. i'm embarrassed to admit to that. it's not lost on me that perhaps God knew it would take suffering of this magnitude to move me out of my faith comfort zone.

so thank you, former facebook friends, for confirming my status as an unpopular Jesus freak. i now take it as a compliment. it's true, my faith has become a huge part of my identity, instead of being just a small subcategory of my life. and while i would never preach at you, throw scripture in your face, judge you, or defriend you for not being a christian, i would say to you: don't knock it till you try it. you might even like it.

however, i don't apologize if i offended you in any way. i'm more sorry you did not stick around to see what my faith, my God, has done for me and my family in the midst of devastation. i think you would be surprised. perhaps intrigued. perhaps you would wonder from where we got our strength to make it through. perhaps you would wonder what you might do in our situation, or in some other kind of suffering you might face. because one day, inevitably, we all will experience suffering.

and i would tell you, i got my strength at the foot of the cross. and there is room there for you too.

your friend,
lauren

things to remember him by

2010-03-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

back in november, i blogged a little bit about some keepsakes i wanted to either buy or make in memory of jonathan. specifically, you might remember the opal and 8 tiny diamonds that my mother had offered to me before he was born to make an original jewelry piece in memory of him. and that, "coincidentally", jonathan's birthstone happens to be an opal and he was born on the 8th.

recently, i realized that i had never posted pictures of the keepsakes that have been given to me since jonathan's passing. and because this is jonathan's baby journal, the pictures belong here...

the opal, diamond, and white gold necklace from my mother

friends gave us jonathan's name, in scripture verses

a friend gave me this lucinda kay "peas in a pod" necklace, symbolizing both of my children

two of my friends gave me this helen ficalora necklace with engraved silver charms

tiny footprints inside the cover of my bible...my favorite.

we were also given several beautifully handmade or embroidered blankets, framed art with scripture, and several christmas ornaments that mean a lot to us.

so as i was thinking about what these keepsakes mean to me, (and what i wouldn't give up to have jonathan back, happy and healthy) i realized that there was a greater, more valuable keepsake from our journey with jonathan given to me by the Lord Himself:

a deeper faith.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" ~1 Peter 1:6-8

what He knows

2010-03-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

it seems that sometimes in life, trials and devastation causing suffering are not solitary events. they tend to come in the company of each other, don't they? this has been the case for us lately, as a couple other lesser struggles and disappointments have come about in recent months following jonathan's life and death. we've questioned God's reasoning. we've questioned God's timing. we've questioned decisions we've made after praying and feeling led in one direction that now seem wrong. we've been stressed and confused. and we're tired.

little did i know there was a big lesson for me in one of these recent trials.

we have two female cats, a black and white one and a fluffy gray one. we found the black and white cat on the side of the road when she was just five weeks old, apparently tossed from a car. i spotted her peeking up through the grass from across a busy highway, while we were driving 45 mph. therefore, greg thinks i planted her there so that we could happen upon her and keep her. (i didn't.) we bottle-fed her and raised her as the only parents she's known, basically. the other cat was given to us by a friend when she was just a kitten, about two years later. one cat is really sweet and friendly, and acts more like a dog. the other cat is just plain mean sometimes, with a real wild streak. now, which one do you think is the mean one? yep, the one we rescued as an orphan and now lives like a queen. but i digress.

lounging in the bathtub

well, as if it wasn't bad enough to lose our baby boy, just three weeks after burying jonathan we almost lost our (nice) cat to an undiagnosed condition. we didn't think the emotional distress or timing could get much worse.

one day we noticed she was really lethargic and not eating. the next day we were in the vet's office listening to him tell us she was barely alive and that she might need a blood transfusion. needless to say, we weren't about to bury anyone or anything else. for the next several weeks, the treatments that followed for this cat were pretty much torture for her. she was poked, prodded, stuck with countless needles, and she slept in strange places with barking dogs. we held her down and shoved medicine down her throat every couple of hours, which had its own set of unpleasant side effects. and just when things were looking better, she suffered a pulmonary embolism. that was the night we said goodbye to her, because we thought for sure the vet was going to put her down. and we didn't know how much more we could take of it.

the cat was suffering. on top of it all, she was probably deeply distressed by the treatments she surely perceived as torture that her "parents" were putting her through. she couldn't understand that what we were doing was for her good, that we were trying to save her life. she didn't know what we knew.

our cat seems to have fully recovered since then, thank goodness. but gosh, we sure complained loudly to God about the added emotional and financial stress and the timing of the whole mess. i didn't know there was a lesson in that experience specifically for me until i came to a section in the book "if God is Good" by randy alcorn, where he shares the story of a three-year-old boy who had ingested some kind of poison. on the way to the hospital, the boy's father continuously slapped the child to keep him awake so that the child would not fall asleep and die. the poor boy did not understand why his father was hitting him like this. the child was suffering not only from the poison he had ingested, but because he was perceiving his father's slaps as cruel. of course he could not understand that his father only did it for the boy's own good, to save his life. the child didn't know what his father knew.

and then there's the story of a certain family i know very well *ahem* who seemed to have it pretty good. they're what you might consider a typical "good christian family", blessed by a good marriage, good jobs, an adorable baby girl, a nice house, and good friends. life was very...good. and then one day they learned that their new baby-on-the-way was diagnosed with a fatal condition. in just a single moment, life was turned upside down. suffering began immediately and stretched out before them like a long, desolate road. their baby died shortly after being born, their lives forever scarred by such a loss. what good could come from that? what good God would allow something like that to happen?

the Father, whose ways and thoughts are higher than ours, did allow it to happen. perhaps in His sovereignty, He planned it to happen, knowing full well the suffering that would fall on this family. but perhaps He determined the suffering they experienced (and still experience) was for good; necessary to save their lives, to save someone else's life, whether spiritually or otherwise. and while they can certainly see plenty of the good that came from their suffering, they can't begin to fully know what the Father knows.

but what we do know is:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100:5

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

the lesson i've learned is that knowing Him means knowing that He is good, whether in times of blessing or in times of suffering. knowing He is good means we don't have to question what He knows.

i'm praying that knowing Him is enough for me.

thankful....again

2010-03-12T16:31:00.000-06:00

out of the blue today, i received a couple of messages reaffirming just how much my little jonathan's life has touched others in profound, significant ways.

it's been five months that he's been gone, and i'm still hearing these things. from people i don't know (or hardly know.)

it's simply amazing. humbling. encouraging.

thank you so much for letting me know how much my son's life means to you.

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to feel like a proud parent.

but mostly, thank you for reminding me that we serve an awesome God who can truly use any life for His glory, even a life that only lasted 40 minutes.

count it all joy

2010-03-08T12:54:00.003-06:00

today, march 8th marks five months since we lost jonathan. (it also marks the day his life began a year ago. maybe that's TMI for most of you, sorry.)

five months seems like a long time from where i stand right now.  i know that grief takes all sorts of forms, and here at five months after losing jonathan, i guess what i feel mostly these days is just weariness.

while there's comfort in life going back to normalcy after a loss, there's also some grief that it has gone back to normal, whatever normal is these days. life just moves on so quickly, without a second thought to those it leaves behind.   i feel sad that jonathan is being left behind. there's only so much i can do for him with him not being here. the parent in me wants to care for him in tangible ways, too, which of course i can't. it's a bit draining at times.

so i stepped it in to high gear with kate. i got her potty trained in no time. i've been taking her to all sorts of playdates. i've been patiently obliging her requests for "play with me, mommy" even when i don't feel like it. i've been giving her lots of extra "snuggle time" when she wants it, where she wants it.  i've been making sure she's seeing me smile more than not. basically, i've been spoiling her with love but still maintaining order and discipline in her day. i feel that i can't let my grieving for jonathan, which tends to show up in my life as impatience, interfere with doing the best i can with kate. maybe what i've described sounds easy. but for me, it's draining.

also quite draining has been five months of grieving for jonathan and missing him. he's always in the back of my mind, no matter what i'm doing or what i'm thinking about. i could be in the middle of laughing at something i find hilarious, and yet the sadness of jonathan being gone is there.

it's been five months of fighting those thoughts that come to remind me that "by now", if he hadn't had that extra chromosome, he would be laughing. rolling over. sitting up.

it's been five months of trying to keep the memory of him fresh; for me, for my family, for anyone who cares.

it's been five months (and much longer) of experiencing lesser trials that have stemmed from the greater trial of carrying and then losing jonathan, such as friendships being strained and lost, the reappearance of the elephant in the room, public negative reactions to our story, and an occasional sense of feeling alone or out of place, to name a few.

it's been five months of daily submission to the hard truth that God's plan to take him was better than my plan to keep him.

it's been five months of meditating on some very deep theological matters that, quite honestly, i have neither the spiritual maturity nor brain capacity to make much sense of any of it.

and on top of it all, God's been awfully quiet with me lately. or maybe, i just can't hear Him right now.   which adds to the weariness, since the awareness of God's presence in our lives during my pregnancy and the months following had been extremely comforting.

yet, i do realize that all of these things i write about are not hidden from God, since He knows my every thought and prayer. within a few days of voicing my weariness about everything to Him, He answered by leading me back to the scriptures that remind me that:

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ~Matthew 28:20

and then yesterday at church, we had a very powerful time of worship that focused on the verses James 1:2-4 that says...

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

and we sang the song, "count it all joy":

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When my troubles
Close me in on every side
Lord, I’ll count it all joy
When this road of faith
Runs through the darkest night

For I know You’re at work in me
Yes I know You’ll provide
All the grace I need

You have always been my Rock
I will trust You forever, forever
You have never failed me God
I will trust You forever, forever

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When the weight of sorrow
Drives me to my knees

Every heartache and pain
In Your mighty hands
Is forming Christ in me

And I know that Your Word is true
Yes, I know every trial
Will only prove

Who can separate us
From You and Your great love

it was at that moment, i realized that although the weariness i was feeling was very real and possibly even justified, my attitude needed to be adjusted yet again. i was not counting it all joy.

and then, we sang the song, "blessed be your name." it probably wasn't a coincidence that this song was also performed at jonathan's funeral.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

we finished singing and one of the elders stood up to pray and he began by saying that while the Lord does choose to give and take away, He doesn't take away Jesus. i didn't hear any more of the prayer because i knew that that was the cure for my attitude adjustment.

this whole time i have been mostly concerned with doing my best not to take kate for granted in the midst of my loss of jonathan, but i had in fact taken for granted the value of what i have been given through the gift of Christ. through Christ, i have access to all of God's promises. i have unconditional love from the Father. He gives me the strength to overcome any loss. He also reminds me that : "Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" ~Phillipians 3:7-8

i realize that lately, i have not been able to experience joy because i have focused too much on what i have lost, and not enough of what i have gained. yes, there actually was gain from losing jonathan. more than what i can comprehend in my limited abilities. but i have seen enough to know that the gain is significant. therefore, i haven't had a problem counting some of it joy, but i know it takes a greater faith to count it all joy.

counting it all joy includes being pregnant with a sick baby. counting it all joy includes losing friends and being publicly ridiculed because of the stance you take for your faith. counting it all joy includes holding your baby while he dies.  counting it all joy includes living the rest of your life with a (insert name here)-sized hole in your heart. the faith i want is the faith that still counts it all joy.

therefore:

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:1-2

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." ~ Nehemiah 8:10

"You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11

the "club"

2010-02-28T20:25:00.000-06:00

one of the nicest surprises to come out of blogging about our experience with jonathan, is that not only is it very healing, but i've learned that the blogosphere holds an entire support group-like network of moms like me who have walked a similarly devastating path and who cling to the promises of our Lord for comfort and healing. (ask any of them...it works.)

we blog about our experiences and then we go searching for blogs like ours in order to glean anything we can in order to learn and grow from each other. we spend time encouraging each other through our blogs by commenting and sending emails. and while there is no doubt each of us would do just about anything to give up our membership in the "mothers who have lost a baby" club, i would say that for the majority of us, if we have to be members, then we are going to make the best of it.

so i am honored to be nominated by lori at lori does maryland for the beautiful blogger award. i already follow lori's blog regularly to be encouraged by someone walking an even more difficult road than i, and who does it way more gracefully than i ever could. thanks lori for your beautiful blog!

i'm also happy to share a few blogs with you that have encouraged me on my journey. the common threads, of course, are that we have all lost a baby within the last couple of years, and we all love the Lord and trust in His purposes for our losses. i hope you will visit them and pray for these wonderful women:

shelley at the talbotts
lindsey b. at our hope endures
katie at our little piece of paradise
katy at in hannah's honor
amanda at blessings 4 life (just said hello and goodbye to her precious caroline a week ago.)
rachelle at hailey's hope
molly at the pipers
and angie at bring the rain
(the last two are very well-known blogs.)

*****

speaking of networking, a couple of nights ago, i had the privilege of meeting the momma of joshua, who is due in april and has been recently diagnosed with trisomy 18. over a mexican dinner with a mutual friend, we shared the terrible moments of learning something was wrong, making the decision to carry to term, birth plans and DNRs, holding jonathan as he died, and other depressing subjects that no one should have to discuss when speaking about their child. however, in spite of the mostly dreary subject, there weren't many tears at all. our conversation was very comfortable and was actually punctuated with laughter here and there. i don't think anyone would have guessed that our main topic was preparing for the loss of a baby.

but then, the common thread we shared was our faith in Christ.
He gives us the strength we need to get through something like this.
He gives us hope, reminding us that we will see our babies again one day.
He gives us the courage to move forward in life; to be able to smile and laugh in the midst of difficult circumstances.
He comforts us, so that we might comfort someone else who needs it.
...and we can't imagine life without Him.

please consider praying for sweet joshua and his family.

i'm back...

2010-02-24T20:13:00.002-06:00

(ahhhh.) hear that? that's me, taking a nice deep breath after returning home from a much-needed vacation.

and no, i didn't go to a white-sand beach and lay around in the warm sun, reading a good book while kate and greg splashed in the water nearby. that would only be a few-minutes drive for us from where we live anyway (don't be jealous.)

pictures from last summer

instead, i, by myself, headed north to visit a good friend in washington DC. DC, as in, where there was lots and lots of snow on the ground. i didn't even have the proper shoes to walk in something like that. but the point of the trip was to spend time with my friend, christy, and to enjoy a few days relaxing and hanging out with no real itinerary or agenda to accomplish. it was the first time since our journey with jonathan began that i felt like i've had a real break. to not have to worry about anything except where we wanted to eat out for dinner. it sure was nice to get away for a few days.

i should have known it would be cold there because the morning i arrived at the airport to leave, our flight was delayed a bit so our plane could de-ice. how do you de-ice a plane in florida? apparently you move it out of the shade and into the sun. seriously. so after a half-hour in the sun, the plane was ready to go.

christy's house- check out the snow.

it wasn't my first time in DC, so we didn't do the whole tourist-thing. but we did spend half a day on friday walking around some of the monuments as best we could since the sidewalks were covered in ice and snow. it was windy and freezing. we even had an obama sighting. well...ok, it was probably just michelle. we don't know for sure, but it was a police escorted motorcade of several SUVs coming from the white house as we stood watching on the hill at the national monument. and it sure does make my story more interesting to say we saw an obama. (i looked it up...the president was in vegas on business on friday and michelle was in DC.)

the white house in the distance

we spent the rest of the morning in the holocaust museum (amazing and awful) and popped into the smithsonian for a bathroom break and a cup of coffee before we caught the VRE to old town-alexandria for the rest of the day.

the virginia railway express...way better than the metro

on king street in old town, i was expecting to see a bunch of boutiques and cafes that i couldn't afford, so i was secretly excited to see a ross and other outlet stores in the middle of it all. needless to say, we did a little shopping. christy and i bought the exact same pair of shoes that could either be really cute or really ugly (the vote's still out.)

unfortunately for me, they look much cuter in a size 8 than they do in a 10.

while i was there, we visited king street two more times as well, and had sushi and chicken satay for lunch one day, and then sandwiches on another day.

some other random things about my trip included eating out mexican two nights in a row, hitting the gym for a serious workout because of the mexican food, girls night with some of christy's friends, movie night, another sushi lunch, and more shopping.

my five bowls of salsa. heaven.

that's right. i love my salsa.

anyway, all that said about my trip, the best part was spending time with christy. she was a fabulous hostess and when we weren't out and about, we had the best time catching up. she's one of those treasured friends that brings up jonathan before i do, asks me questions about him, and lets me talk freely and openly about him. and when we weren't talking about jonathan, we talked about how blessed we are and how great our God is, in spite of the difficulties we've both struggled with recently. it is truly refreshing to be around someone so positive and encouraging.

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." ~Proverbs 27:17

speaking of encouragement, she also "encouraged" me to get a fabulous pair of casual boots to wear over jeans while i was there. i needed them. you know, for proper footwear in the snow. now, i almost hope it stays cold enough a little longer here in florida so that i can wear them a few more times before i trade them in for flip-flops.

more about last week's opportunity

2010-02-16T14:20:00.002-06:00

after receiving a blog comment and a couple of other inquiries about what i actually spoke about last monday regarding suggestions to help a grieving patient, i decided to write about it.

here is most of what i spoke about:

first and foremost, i was very appreciative of the opportunity to be able to share my story and that the hospital was genuinely interested with learning how they can improve communication and care concerning a grieving patient.

monday was also jonathan's 4-month birthday, so it was a privilege to be able to share my story on that day.

i gave a little background of when jonathan's story began unfolding. you can read that here if you are new to this blog.

i talked about our visits with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart hospital in pensacola, and with our genetic counselor, beth allen. on that dreadful day right after i had the amnio done, we met with dr. thorp and beth right afterwards to discuss the ultrasound findings and our plan of action. it was a very emotional and tearful meeting for us, as you can probably imagine. but i will always be so, so grateful that after we told them of our plans to continue the pregnancy, they both immediately expressed their full support. my regular OB, dr. esses, was also 100% supportive.

i have heard so many stories over the last several months of patients who did not have their doctors' support even though it was their personal choice to continue the pregnancy. and i am sorry for each one of those stories. to not have our doctors' support would not have changed our minds. but i tell you that in that moment, already full of devastation upon realizing the impending death of our child, it would have been doubly devastating to hear anything other than words of support from our physicians. so i am very, very thankful for our doctors.

our first contact with sacred heart emerald coast began with a meeting with our social worker, dawn, a few weeks before my original induction date. i did not know what a social worker did in a situation like ours, but after meeting with her, i sure was grateful to have her as a liaison to the nurses for us. i did a lot of worrying about how jonathan's delivery day would go down, and it was all for naught. of course, i believe that God orchestrated all the details into place, but i would have felt a lot less anxious the closer i became to d-day, had i met with dawn earlier or had known this service was available to me. although my situation was rare, i have already become aware of two more trisomy cases after mine in which the baby has or will be born at this hospital. this service to the patient is invaluable, but in my case i was not aware of the service early enough. once a patient receives a poor prognosis, this should be a next step; therefore, suggestion #1 was that this service be available to the patient immediately after diagnosis.

i then got to brag a bit about the care we received once we arrived for jonathan's birthday. here are most of the points i made:

i've mentioned on this blog before how great our nurses were. they made us feel comfortable from the moment we walked into our room.

speaking of the room, we were given the huge delivery/post-partum room at the end of the hall so that we would be mostly away from other moms and babies during our stay. sadly, our room had a card placed near the entrance of the room that depicted a leaf and a raindrop on it which apparently lets the staff know that our visit to the hospital is not under the happiest of conditions.

if you ever see this on a door in the maternity ward, pray for those inside.

one of the nurses set up all of the keepsake items we had brought as a beautiful display in what would have been jonathan's bassinet.

our social worker, dawn, had ordered a "gemma bear" blanket and presented it to us as an incredibly thoughtful gift. it's embroidered with the words "child of God."

when jonathan was born, the nurses helped take pictures and video of it so that greg wouldn't have to. they also taped our families meeting jonathan.

after jonathan passed away, the nurses helped greg give him a bath. they were so gentle with him and treated him with such care. (and when i first heard of anyone doing this for their baby once the baby had passed away, i felt kind of uncomfortable about it and wasn't sure if we would do it. but it became the most natural thing to do for him. it was our chance to be parents to him and care for him, even after death.)

our day shift nurse, jessica, stayed past the end of her shift to see us through jonathan's birth and passing. our social worker, dawn, came back to the hospital after going home to tend to her family and stayed till about midnight helping us take handprints, footprints, etc. of jonathan. i was just too tired to help, so the nurses wound up doing most of this for us. here were these educated nurses doing menial things for us such as stirring powder and water together to make clay molds for us. it was way above and beyond any job description, i'm sure.

that night, after the funeral home came to take jonathan, my arms never felt so empty. it was then that our night nurse, deja', gave us a donated teddy bear from build-a-bear. at first, i thought we'd give it to kate as a gift to remember jonathan. well, this past christmas, greg surprised me by having the recording of jonathan's heartbeat placed into the bear's chest and a recording of kate saying, "i love you jonathan! miss you!" into the bear's hand so that when you squeezed these parts of the bear, the recording would play. this bear has become a very important keepsake for us and it was incredibly thoughtful of our nurse.

a week or so later, we received a sympathy card in the mail signed by some of the maternity nurses.

there are things i'm sure to have left out that were done for us in the name of kindness. but as you can see, we were extremely well taken care of and everyone went above and beyond their duties to care for us. it was so much more than we could have asked for.

my other suggestion was since there have been other trisomy cases come about recently, it seems to me that there needs to be some sort of perinatal hospice program available in the local area. unfortunately, jonathan did not live long enough to come home with us. but at one point in our journey with him, we were told there might be a chance that he could survive up to a month if he made it to full-term. (this was before his heart and kidneys got so bad.) our decision, based upon the significant information we had regarding his heart and kidneys, was to not put him through surgery, but to give him comfort care only. (that alone requires a post of it's own for further explanation.) if he had lived long enough for us to bring him home from the hospital, then we would have needed perinatal hospice. currently, it is not available to sacred heart emerald coast patients like it is to those who live in pensacola.

after we took turns speaking, those attending the class were able to ask us questions or make comments. several people in the class participated in this part. overall, the response was very positive.

i would say that the central idea that all of us on the panel agreed on was, what you say and how you treat a grieving patient makes a huge impact on the situation, either good or bad. it is basically common sense that kindness and sensitivity to the patient during a sad time has the power to bring a little light into some very dark hours.

i walked out of there with a headache from holding back tears as i spoke, but otherwise i felt very good about the experience. i also feel that if the Lord brings about another opportunity to talk about our journey with jonathan, then it might be easier the next time around. i won't be seeking it out of course, so we'll just wait and see what happens.

love

2010-02-15T09:32:00.000-06:00

greg and i celebrated valentine's day a day early, on saturday night. i joke that we've been married long enough now that celebrating on the actual day isn't important anymore. and we don't buy each other gifts. now we just enjoy anytime we can be alone and go out for a nice dinner. so that's what we did.

long before i was married, i completely bought into the commercialization of valentine's day. i guess what i'm saying is that i had unrealistic expectations of what "romance" was supposed to look like. i mean, was i the only one not getting diamond earrings on valentine's day when the commercials made it seem that that's what you were supposed to get? no one ever "went to jared" for me. of course, i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with buying chocolate hearts and jewelry for your special someone, but after being married for a few years, i have come to realize that fancy gifts on valentine's day does not define the health of your relationship.

by now, greg and i have experienced some of the best days of our life together (getting married, the birth of our babies) as well as the worst (jonathan's diagnosis, burying our child.) we have also, by now, most likely seen the very best of each other as well as the worst. and while it's easy to love someone in the good times, we still choose to love each other during the not-so-good times.

this kind of love is worth more than diamonds or gold.

*****

"The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing."

~Zephaniah 3:17

at least three times this past week, i have come across this verse. one of those times, it was sent to me by a friend via email. i love it when that happens; i don't believe in coincidences.

i particularly love the fact that i happened to study this verse during the week of valentine's day. i tend to only think of valentine's day as something shared between couples in love and never have i thought of it as a time to celebrate the love my God has for me.

God truly knows all my flaws and short-comings, and He knows all the things about me that i'm not proud of. yet, he still loves me in ways that is above anything even my husband can offer me. i looked up the hebrew concordance for this verse and came up with this further interpretation:

He rescues and delivers me.

He takes great pleasure in me.

He gives me rest with affection.

He serenades me with songs of rejoicing.

john macarthur's bible commentary says:

"As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, the Lord will exult over His people with gladness and song, resting in quiet ecstasy over His people in whom is His delight."

what a beautiful picture of how great the Father's love is for us. this kind of love is worth more than anything this world has to offer.

a new perspective

2010-02-11T13:24:00.002-06:00

my speaking opportunity on monday went way better than i thought it would. i am not a natural public speaker at all and i usually shy away from such things. in fact, the thought of speaking to a large group nauseates me. there is only one thing worse...skit night. if you have been on a church retreat of any kind, you know what i'm talking about. i would rather slam my finger in a car door than participate. but i knew that monday's opportunity was something that i should do, even thought i knew it would be hard for me, especially emotionally.

on the panel, it was myself, another mom and a grandmother taking turns speaking about our experiences of loss to a room full of nurses, chaplains, and social workers who were there for training on grief. my sweet friend lindsey came with me since greg couldn't make it. she had participated on the panel last year and added a few helpful suggestions as well.

our stories provided four unique perspectives on the loss of a baby.

there was a mom struggling with infertility and miscarriages.

the grandmother lost her grandson unexpectedly just 6 hours after he was born to an undiagnosed heart defect.

lindsey lost her precious gabrielle at 22 weeks.

and then there's me, who prepared for months for the death of my baby.

even though our stories were very different, i was reminded that any experience of loss, whether it was a 6 week old pregnancy or a full term baby, is totally and completely devastating whether its expected or not. i confess that i tend to minimize my loss with jonathan when i compare it to someone who unexpectedly loses a full-term baby. and on the other hand, it was mentioned that sometimes people downplay miscarriages because the baby is so small and undeveloped, or that the baby hasn't hit that magic number of 20+ weeks. too many of my friends understand from experience that there is suffering even in the earliest of losses because the bond between mother and baby begins immediately.

as you know, statistically speaking, jonathan should have been a miscarriage. i used to think that that would have been easier to deal with rather than meeting him and then having to say "goodbye" just 40 minutes after saying "hello."

last week, a dear friend who is familiar with this sort of loss said something to me that really helped me to look at my loss through different eyes. she said that she actually felt a little jealous that i got to meet my baby before he died. you see, my friend did not have that option. because i know my friend's heart, i know she said what she did to encourage me and to help me find even more good in my circumstances. until that point, i had only thought of my loss from my own perspective and not from someone who had experienced something similar.

it made me realize that knowing even the most basic things about jonathan was a blessing and has greatly contributed to our memories of him that i would not have had he not survived as long as he did. like being able to know his gender and to name him. to feel him move and kick. to indulge his food cravings. to know his habits, such as his waking and sleeping patterns. to bond with him.

i know plenty of people who, if given the option, would take a miscarriage over enduring a lengthy pregnancy destined to end in death. i can't say i blame them. but now, i've come to realize that i had the incomparable blessing of being able to meet jonathan. to hold him. to watch him open an eye. to feel his heart beat. to kiss him. to tell him i love him. and to let him go when it was time.

and i wouldn't trade it for a minute.

so back to monday. yet again, God was faithful. thanks for praying for me! i was very comfortable speaking about my experience and about jonathan. there were a few tears here and there, but seriously, can you blame me? it was so, so good to talk about him. healing, in fact. the best part was getting to talk about what a blessing he was and continues to be to us. sometimes, i just can't get over how crazy that sounds. not ever in my wildest dreams did i think i would be boasting about the wonderful blessing of carrying a baby so sick that he died 40 minutes after he was born. i'm sure it sounds completely preposterous to some people. i tell you, only God can turn something so terribly devastating into something to be thankful for. it's at times when i'm starting to feel down about what i've gone through that He shows me i actually had it pretty good. and only He can make me realize something like that.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness" ~Psalm 30:11

4 months and a unique opportunity

2010-02-08T09:58:00.000-06:00

today i am celebrating jonathan's 4 month birthday by getting to speak in a public forum about my experience. i was asked to participate on a parents' panel for a training seminar at sacred heart hospital on the emerald coast (where both kate and jonathan were born.)

not only will the experience be a blessing for me to get to talk about my sweet boy, but it's an opportunity to offer suggestions to hospital staff about what they can improve on. i must say, i truly appreciate that sacred heart cares enough to strive to offer the best care to their patients, and that they really do want to know where they can improve on their service.

i am also pleased to say that in both of my experiences giving birth there, even with one being happy and one being bittersweet, that there isn't really much room for improvement. this hospital is the best of the best (even their food is good!) and i've mentioned previously how wonderful all the nurses are. so because i don't really have many suggestions to offer, i have chosen to focus on what they did right when jonathan was born because then i will have more to speak about.

however, needless to say, this will be a very emotional day for me. it's the first time i will be telling my story (outside of this blog, of course) since jonathan passed away. please pray for me that i'm able to even get the words out, and that my experience will be helpful to the hospital staff in caring for patients in my situation in the future.

thanks as always for remembering my sweet boy on this day.

how to help a grieving friend

2010-02-01T13:00:00.003-06:00

i recently came across an awesome blog series on this topic written by molly piper, john piper's daughter-in-law. molly and her husband lost their 2nd baby unexpectedly at 39 weeks. her series about it, if you visit it, is a very indepth and insightful how-to guide for helping a friend after losing a baby. i was reminded of three things in particular after reading it:

1. i have the world's greatest friends.

2. everyone who desires to be a friend to someone who has suffered such a loss could probably use some tips on the best way to do this, especially if they have not had a similar experience.

3. even though i have been at the receiving end of such kindness, i still need to be reminded how i can help someone else.

our situation was a bit different from molly's, having known jonathan's diagnosis for almost 5 months prior to him being born. we knew with the condition of his heart and kidneys that he would most likely not survive without a miracle. we also knew deep down in our hearts that it was part of the Lord's plan not to heal him on earth but in heaven. therefore, we grieved for him even before he was born, and again after he passed away. so in collaboration with molly's post, i've taken my own experiences as well as other ideas i've come across while reading books and other blogs, and written my own post about it.

***please note, my goal in writing this is not to be critical, but to offer some encouragement to those of you reading this who are friends or loved ones of someone who has suffered a great loss.

how to help a grieving friend:

1. saying something is better than saying nothing at all. there are still a few people we know who have yet to say anything to us about jonathan, even though they were fully aware of his diagnosis in june and his death in october. it's quite awkward, understandably, for both sides.

it's been a little hurtful but i'm trying to be understanding about it; mostly because i, too, have been on the other side of this, wondering "do i say something or will it make it worse?" additionally, since i have been in that situation before, i know that it's not black and white. there are all sorts of factors i thought of when trying to decide what, when, and how to say something to someone who had experienced a loss. only now, being on the "wrong" side of this awkward situation, can i assure you: if you're not sure what to say, saying "i don't know what to say other than i am sorry for your loss" or "i just want you to know we've been praying for you" is a great place to start. if face-to-face contact is too much for you, send a card or an email, even. grieving parents want their child to be acknowledged because he means the world to them, even if he is yet to be born. and we want to know that our friends care about us and are praying for us. to not say anything at all might give the impression that you don't care.

however.....

2. use scripture carefully and avoid flippant greeting card-type responses. it may seem in conflict with #1 above, but it's true: even the most well-meaning scripture reference or famous (infamous?) quote can be hurtful. they can minimize the person's loss and undermine her feelings of grief. thankfully, we didn't hear it much, but occasionally someone might say to us, "everything happens for a reason", "God won't give you more than you can't handle" and "jonathan must have been so special that God needed him in heaven." whether the scripture or quote is true or not (i'm quite sure that the God of the universe does not need anyone or anything), sometimes such a response can make the person's suffering seem like an open and shut case. as if by saying something like this will fix everything and help the grieving person to just move on with her life.

again, i am talking to myself here. in the past, i might be the one to say something like that. my condolences were always genuine, but i admit, probably sounded a bit flippant to my friend. honestly, i don't like knowing my friend is suffering and there's nothing i can do about it. so i offer a verbal band-aid. and i have come to realize that the band-aid was more for me than for my friend. what my friend needed was for me to empathize with her, not offer words lightly. of course, i understand it's all completely well-meaning when these words are said to me too, but i just want to emphasize that there is nothing you can say to make it all go away for your friend. once this is understood, i think that the pressure to say something to "help" will be alleviated and it will be easier to understand what she really needs to hear: "i don't know what you're going through, but i'm here for you."

as far as scripture is concerned, the ones that spoke most to my heart and brought me great encouragement were ones about God being near to me and providing peace, love, and comfort. it was far less about His will, His purposes, the ultimate good, etc. because, quite frankly, i was not ready to embrace those truths for awhile. God's Word is living and active and has amazing power to heal a broken heart. but just be aware that your friend's heart may not be in a place where she can receive it yet.

3. it's OK to ask questions after your friend receives a poor prenatal diagnosis. however, it is important that the questions are sensitive to the situation. while i was pregnant with jonathan, we welcomed questions because we understood his disorder was so rare. it's just natural for people to be curious about the disorder, why we made the decision to carry him, what the doctors say about it, etc. we wanted people to know, especially so that they could anticipate and discern how to pray for us. however, avoid asking your friend when she is going to have another baby, especially while she is still pregnant with a baby not expected to survive. unless she is a super-close friend, this question is more appropriate several months after your friend's loss.

4. there is no timetable for grief. i've found that some people tend to think of losing a baby as not as difficult than losing an older child, parent, etc. perhaps they feel that way because the time spent with the baby is much more brief and therefore there is not as strong a bond.

however, a loss is still a loss, and people grieve differently. i feel that even though i only had 32 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours and 40 minutes with jonathan, there is also the great loss of not being able to experience life with him; to not see him grow up over the years, get married, have his own family, etc. there is much anguish in "what could have been." there is certainly an empty hole in our hearts and in our family where jonathan should be. it's not something that is easy to recover from, or that someone ever can.

therefore, the best way to help your friend is to understand that she is still grieving, whether it's been a day or a year or 10 years. she will have up days and down days. judging her by her depth or length of grief, or putting unrealistic expectations on her will only cause more harm than good. grieving is a hard place to be already and the last thing your friend needs is added pressure to "get better." instead, come alongside her by praying for her and letting her know you remember and you care (Romans 12.)

5. understand that grieving is hard work. whether she's expecting a loss or has just experienced a loss, just know that your friend is tired. scatterbrained. unorganized. possibly not her fun-loving self as much anymore.

the week that we got jonathan's diagnosis and the week after he was born and then died were obviously the hardest two weeks of my life. i couldn't sleep at all, and had to take sleep aids for those two weeks. for the six months or so that followed his diagnosis, i couldn't focus at all because my thoughts only revolved around one subject. thankfully, i have not had to take any other medications, but keep in mind that your friend might also be exhausted from pain meds, antidepressants, and more. there is just no way a normal person can function the same as before after experiencing such devastation. sure, your friend might seem to have it together just fine in public. but privately, she may have experienced a moment of grieving, and only by the grace of God was able to still make herself presentable in public. and that might just be her major accomplishment of the day.

6. offer specific help. when we first learned of jonathan's diagnosis, greg and i were zombies and could barely function outside of walking aimlessly around the house or vegetating on the couch. my mother immediately came to stay with us and help us with kate for a few days. my friends demanded to bring meals and we had plenty of offers to keep kate for us when necessary.

it was not just wonderful, it helped us survive that first week.

throughout the rest our journey, we continuously had offers of help. my friends did something for me that was invaluable: think for me. they put themselves in my shoes and anticipated what i would need before the need even arose. by the time we learned that i would be induced with only a couple of hours notice, kate had a place to sleep that night, emails were sent out and phone calls made on our behalf, food was brought to the hospital, and friends dropped everything (including work) in order to be available to us. one of my friends bought a head of cabbage for me (some of you know what i mean by that) and the day before the funeral, one of my friends even went out and purchased spanx underwear for me so that i could squeeze into my funeral outfit. seriously. (now those are good friends!) so anticipating your friend's needs and preparing for them in advance is something that is incredibly helpful, especially for someone who can barely think for herself.

7. meals are the way to a friend's heart. we were blessed with meals for more than a month after jonathan died, and they were some of the most amazing gifts to us. i don't like to cook much anyway, and especially not after experiencing such a devastating loss. i just don't think i could have processed the steps necessary to complete a meal. i am so, so thankful i didn't have to! it was a wonderful ministry to our family.

some tips on bringing meals:

i. first see if there is someone in charge of a meal list (from church, etc.) speak directly to them so that you don't make your friend think more than she has to. if not....

ii. don't just ask if you can, insist on bringing a meal. if given the choice, she might turn it down so as not to create a hardship for you. if you really want to, then she really won't mind if you do.

iii. ask ahead of time what type of foods to bring or not. there may be allergies to certain foods, or there may be too much of a certain food (ie, lasagna) that has already been brought. i'm not picky about this, and thankfully my family will eat about anything. but just something to keep in mind for your friend.

iv. bring meals in containers that don't have to be returned, ie, aluminum pans, ziploc storage containers. a grieving friend is too tired and scatterbrained to try to remember what dish goes to who. it's also less work for the meal preparer, in my opinion.

this reminds me of when we brought a meal to friends who had lost their baby almost a year before we lost jonathan. i brought everything to them in disposable pans, etc. except for the bamboo tray i carried it on. she kept trying to remember to bring the tray back to me. then, after jonathan died, she offered to bring a meal and told me she even had a "special tray" to bring it on. "keep it," i told her. "or better yet, burn the tray!" because we joked how the tray was cursed and we didn't want to keep passing the tray back and forth or give it to anyone else. sometimes you just have to make light of things.

v. when you bring a meal, keep in mind that it may not be a good time for visiting. you'll just have to feel out the situation yourself whether or not your friend desires company. again, people grieve differently, so don't take it personally if you get the vibes that you need to drop the meal off and leave. greg and i didn't mind people staying and visiting, but we didn't feel like crying with anyone. so a friend sent an email out to those on our meal list that our house was a "no-cry zone." and thankfully we didn't have any violators. i say that with a smile and appreciation.

vi. tell your friend not to worry about thank-you notes. the last thing she needs to worry about is writing more thank-yous. she has probably already written a hundred by now anyway. it's not that she's being rude, because trust me, she appreciates you and the meal very much. you probably already know this, so why bother her with a piece of paper?

8. pursue her. include your friend on group outings, playdates, etc, just like before. i know from my experience that i was usually too exhausted or overwhelmed to initiate any get-togethers with my friends. i practically depended on them to invite me and then remind me of any gatherings before they happened. i didn't always return phone calls or emails. but i did appreciate each and every one of them. also keep in mind that she may turn you down, but don't take it personally. it takes a lot of effort to "re-emerge" into life as she knows it after a loss. things are different and that's just the way it is. for me, sometimes there is guilt in having too much fun. or, it's almost a burden to go somewhere where there will be a large group of people and wonder if i have to tell someone new about what happened to jonathan.

for example, i just joined a large women's bible study at church. at first i worried about participating in a group icebreaker exercise, like having to tell the group what my name is and a little bit about me such as how many kids i have and what their names are. because my name is lauren and i have TWO kids, kate and jonathan. kate will be the only one you see though, because jonathan is with Jesus. ....it's just not fun to say those words even though they are true. i know i don't have to always mention jonathan, but for now it seems as if i am dishonoring him if i leave out that detail.

my friends have done a great job (without even being asked) of gently informing new friends and aquaintances about jonathan so that i don't have to. that's right, i am glad they are talking about me behind my back and i invite them to continue to do so. :) i definitely feel more comfortable in large group settings because of this. this might just be me, though.

9. after a loss, talk about and remember their child. i truly believe most grieving parents want to celebrate the memory of their child long after a loss, and they like to do it by talking about him/her.

i have to talk about jonathan to someone at least once a day. most of the time the conversation is only between God and me, but his name has to be said or it feels like my heart will explode. this is also why i continue to blog about him.

with my really close friends, i feel completely free to bring up jonathan, and i think that they also feel free to bring up jonathan. that's what makes them so special. they get it.

so don't hesitate to talk to your friend about her baby. ask how she's really doing, and spend a few moments remembering him. it doesn't have to be a cry-fest or anything. but it only takes a few minutes to lift your friend's spirits the rest of the day.

something else that means a lot is knowing that friends and loved ones visit jonathan's grave and sometimes even leave flowers. it is such a wonderful, thoughtful gesture. i also have a sweet friend who lets me know each month when the 8th rolls around that she's thinking of me, praying for me, and she takes the time to encourage me on that day.

10. there is enough grace for all of us. my final thought is that, after saying all of the above, i know it's not all about me, me, me. as much as it hurts to lose a child, i know i'm not the only one who is experiencing some sort of pain. therefore, i work hard on remembering that just because someone does not do or say something i think they should, doesn't mean that it's wrong or that they don't care. God is very generous with grace for those who are suffering. that grace, being a gift without expectation of recompense, is something that we should be willing to share freely with others, specifically when dealing with people and situations that are often not easy or pleasant. i am very thankful for this, having been on the receiving end much more often than the giving end of grace.

*****

of course i'm no expert, so i'd love it if you left a comment with any further ideas, thoughts, or introspections to add to this post.

let me introduce myself...

2010-01-27T12:07:00.000-06:00

i know that i blog about some serious, heavy stuff most of the time. that's just where the majority of my heart is. i don't know, maybe i'm just having an exceptionally good week or something but after having been told for months that "with time it will get better"...i think it has gotten a lot better. i've been able to let myself get back to enjoying life again and having fun, all without feeling guilty about it. but of course i miss jonathan and i think about him everyday. as always, thanks for your prayers.

so in the interest of having fun, i decided to lighten things up a bit and follow the lead of another blog i read by posting some random facts about myself and answers to questions we get frequently. you all know some of my deepest thoughts and struggles by reading this blog but you don't really know me that well. so let me introduce myself...

i have lived my whole life in florida except during college. i spent a year in colorado and 3 1/2 years in alabama.

i have a younger sister who just moved from st. louis to atlanta. she's pregnant with her second baby, due in march. we're so glad to have her closer to us! and no, her pregnancy does not bother me, just like none of my friends' pregnancies bother me. (i get asked this often.)

i love my husband. you are probably thinking that this should be a given, but it's not always, for everyone. greg and i have been married almost 7 years after meeting at church about 8 years ago. he graduated from auburn and is an engineer. he is a wonderful father to both kate and jonathan.

i graduated with my undergrad and graduate degree from troy university in alabama. go trojans! actually, i am even more of an FSU fan. even with bad football seasons like they are having currently.

in college, i spent a year playing basketball and three years competing on the cross-coutry and track teams. i have participated in sports my whole life and i love to run. i haven't run a race in 3 years for obvious reasons, the last race being the 2007 disney marathon. i miss it so much that i even dream about running. i plan to get back out there one day. i would love to try competing in a triathlon sometime.

i grew up going to church but didn't truly understand the saving grace of Christ until i was halfway through college. you know, college is where you're supposed to "find yourself." well, the first half of my college experience was spent with discontentedness, low self-esteem, and wondering what my purpose in life was. it's kind of a cliche, but there was a God-shaped hole in my heart that i tried to fill with all sorts of things: partying, relationships, trying to attain the "perfect body", etc.... only once the hole was filled with God have i been able to experience complete freedom from the bondages that tied me down to unfulfillment. so in the course of "finding myself", i found God. or should i say, He found me. :) and i am so incredibly thankful.

right now i am a stay-at-home-mom with a very small side business of sewing/embroidery. before i had kate, i worked with the sheriff's office here for five years as a crime intelligence analyst. it was a wonderful job and i really enjoyed the people i worked with.

in case you're wondering, i type in all lower case because i'm ~~super-spiritual and only God gets an upper case~~ a lazy typist. (the super-spiritual part is totally facetious, of course.) and because when i first started this blog, i didn't know so many people would read it. i might have typed properly if i had known that in advance. so i apologize to those it bothers, but i can't change it now because then it would bother me that it wasn't uniform for every post.

kate does exist. but we don't post pictures of her here because we are over-protective parents. it's nothing personal against anyone except the people who said ugly things about us after the newspaper articles. i really do hate to not share things about her here. instead we have a private blog and i post all things kate-related there.

we get asked all the time if we are going to have another baby. i understand that it is a natural thing for people to wonder about. the short answer is, yes, hopefully in the next year or so.

i think my 30's have been better than my 20's so far. that should give my younger friends hope. from my older friends, can i get an amen?

i love mexican food, specifically chicken fajitas and chips and salsa with lots of cilantro. cliantro is the most important ingredient.

i love to shop. my husband hates to shop. so since i love my husband, i try not to shop too much.

i don't believe in cheese as part of a dessert. as in, cheesecakes, cream cheese icing, etc. it's just not right.

i'm a dog person, but i have two cats.

i don't have any cavities. really, it's the only thing about myself i can brag about.

i prefer diet sunkist in the morning over coffee. i consider it my "orange juice."

i'm a collector/slight hoarder of fun fabrics and sewing accessories, as well as with a certain brand of clothing. i just can't pass up a deal or a good sale on these things.

did i mention i love to shop?

*****

i'd love for those of you who read this to "introduce yourself" too, either by way of a comment or a re-post of this blog in your own words. (leave a comment with your blogsite so i'll know and be able to read it.) for my friends who are currently failing at their vow to blog once a day, (you know who you are) this should give you something to post about! :)

sanctity of human life

2010-01-24T20:56:00.002-06:00

today is "sanctity of human life" sunday. this day was established to put a focus on the value of human existence and every individual's inherent right to life as acknowledged by the american founding fathers. it is observed on the sunday in january closest to the anniversary of the roe v. wade and doe v. bolton decisions handed down by the U.S. supreme court on january 22, 1973.

the observance recognizes the millions of aborted babies, now numbering nearly 52 million, as well as the value of all human life young or old, yet unborn or facing end-of-life decisions.

i've written here before that thanks to jonathan, the topic of the sanctity of human life is closer to my heart than ever. after facing the option to abort as the world's "right answer" to the "mistake" that was jonathan, i can honestly say that choosing to keep him resulted in quite possibly one of the biggest blessings i've ever received. i'm not here to condemn anyone who chose the other option. i'm just here to let people know there is another option; one that carries with it great peace, and even joy. i will carry those precious moments with jonathan with me the rest of my life.

i've also mentioned a couple times before that greg and i got some public criticism for choosing to keep him. the most common complaint was that we were selfish because jonathan was surely suffering. what i'm not sure about is if those same people realize what our other option was. abortion is horribly violent. most abortions involve the fetus being ripped apart while it's alive while being vacuumed out. late term abortions involve scissors being jammed into the back of the head to kill the fetus. the baby is then discarded as medical waste, or even into the trash can. i hate to be so graphic, but THAT was our only other option. the amount of suffering jonathan had at any point in his life pales in comparison to the suffering of abortion. besides, we were assured by doctors that jonathan was not suffering at any point.

the good news for those affected by decisions to abort, and something i just love about God, is that no matter what we've done in the past, He welcomes us in.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." ~Psalm 103:12

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." ~1 John 1:9

"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." ~1 John 3:19-20

i love this song about God's invitation...

haiti

2010-01-22T07:49:00.005-06:00

i am a little late in acknowledging the devastation and destruction beyond comprehension caused by the earthquake in haiti. the suffering they are surely experiencing makes most other suffering, including mine, look like a cake walk. we are praying for the haitians as well as the americans that are there, specifically missionaries, the military and other aid workers.

when this happened last week, i began to think about how God fits into all of it. it has been interesting to hear on the news, through friends, and even on facebook what people think about God in relation to the earthquake. i've heard people say things like, "where is God in all of this?", i've heard miraculous stories showing that God is definitely involved, and i've also heard people say insensitive things like "they had it coming" for one reason or another, including the well-known rev. pat robertson.

ugh. i hate it when christians as a whole get negative representation because another one says or does something that is not reflective of the beliefs of us all. who can really know why God allowed the earthquake to happen there? i say now is not the time to make judgements about nation or people as a whole (that's up to God), but it is the time to love them and help them.

interestingly enough, a day or two after the earthquake happened, i came to chapter 10 of randy alcorn's book "if God is good" which is entitled, "natural disasters: creation under the curse of human evil." he says that it all can be traced back the "the fall" where a perfect world became corrupt because of human sin (Genesis 3:17, Romans 8:18-22.) his main points are:

God is sovereign over all nature. (Psalm 147:18, Job 37:13, Numbers 11:1, Matthew 5:45)
Sometimes God uses natural disasters to punish evil. (Genesis 6-8, Numbers 16:30, Jonah 1:12, just to name a few)
Natural disasters ordinarily are general results of the Curse, not specifically linked to the sins of individuals who perish or suffer in them. (Luke 13:2-5)
Scripture does not distance God from disasters and secondary evils the way his children do. (Isaiah 45:7, Amos 3:6)
Even when satan is behind natural disasters and diseases, God hasn't relinquished his world-governing power. (Job)
Some disasters fall on the blameless. (Job)

alcorn also points out the good that can come from these natural disasters:

Disasters can initiate self-examination (Luke 13:5)
Disasters can bring out the best in people.
Disasters can lead to spiritual transformation.
A world without personal tragedy or natural disasters would produce no heroes.

alcorn says: "one day, in Christ's presence, we will be relieved of evil and suffering, yet we'll remember- and our characters will forever benefit from- what we learned in this world." (p.91)

i have no doubt that God is using the tragedy of this earthquake (and other natural disasters) for some sort of good. we have seen it on a much, much, MUCH smaller scale in our life recently. even through loss and devastation, we have been able to see God much more clearly, whether it was through the absolute perfect timing of events, answered prayers, or through the love of others.

i truly pray that the goodness of God will be seen even in the fog of devastation in haiti.

land of the living

2010-01-19T22:14:00.005-06:00

after the temperatures here on the gulf coast dipped down to record lows recently, today was the kind of day that reminds me why i live here in florida. the sky was clear blue and the temperature was around 70 degrees, all in the middle of january. now if it would just stay like that year round...

so what to do on a day like this? take a walk on the beach? take kate to the park?

maybe last year. today, kate and i spent quality time in the cemetery where jonathan is buried.

it's a good thing kate likes going. greg and i have this joke that jonathan always knows we're there to visit him because he hears the galloping of little feet running all around his grave. that, and he hears mommy and daddy constantly telling kate to take her hands out of the bird bath, quit throwing dirt, and put back the ceramic dog/angel/cross/whatever she finds left at the nearby graves.

going on three and a half months now, we still haven't picked out jonathan's headstone. i did feel guilty about this at first, but it's one of the things i've given myself some slack about. really, it's the last thing left to do for jonathan. and maybe that's why we haven't done it yet.

so kate and i wandered around the entire cemetery today checking out headstones to get some ideas for what we want. i had no idea that there were so many options. it's just not something i ever thought i would have to consider. we brought our first gift to jonathan, a little windchime that was given to us that had an angel on it and said "whispers from heaven." kate demanded to carry it around the entire cemetery, so needless to say we made a lot of noise while we were making our rounds. jonathan heard us coming a long way off.

there were a few other people visiting graves out there. a man and woman briefly commented to me on the beautiful weather and the windchimes kate was carrying with her. they were laughing with each other at the gravesite of someone presumably older; probably someone who had lived a full life. there's just not a lot of laughing at the gravesite of a baby or child.

then, for a split second, i had one of those moments (that still occasionally happen, even three and a half months later), that i can't believe this actually happened to me, that i buried my child. not to mention, a cemetery is not exactly the place i had envisioned spending beautiful afternoons. or the place i would have ever considered bringing kate to "play." but here we are. it's the reality i live with, though i'm determined not to let it steal my joy.

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. " ~Psalm 27:13-14

dedication

2010-01-17T19:35:00.005-06:00

today was kind of tough.

only when greg and i sat down in church today and looked over the bulletin did we realize that today was baby dedication day for babies born over the past few months. i quickly scanned the names and birthdates. september, october, november birthdates were on there.

my heart sank.

as we sat there, politely listening to how great a blessing these babies are (and they certainly are), i couldn't help feeling uncomfortable and out of place. it wasn't because of anything our church did or didn't do. it was because i felt that we were supposed to be up there, proudly holding up our sweet baby boy for all to see and admire, too. today we should have been dedicating him to the Lord, being prayed over by our church family, and celebrating his life.

there are days where i feel i have submitted myself fully to the Lord's sovereign plan for jonathan and for our family.

and then there are days like today when i realize that jonathan's absence is still waging war deep in my heart between what i feel about him being gone and what i know and believe about God.

i feel guilty for feeling this way, and God is probably thinking something along the lines of, "what more do you want from Me?!?", after being so real, so present, and so....good to us during our journey with jonathan.

i guess my hands are still clenched around the hopes and dreams of a healthy baby boy named jonathan. i don't know why, seeing that he's been gone three months now. maybe there is still some questioning deep down. maybe even some resentment. maybe i just need more time to heal. maybe i need an occasional harsh reminder that i haven't completely surrendered all those deep down feelings to the Lord.

tonight i found myself back at 1 Samuel 1, with the story of hannah. hannah was infertile, but after petitioning the Lord for a son and promising his life to Him, she was given a son, samuel. and with a thankful heart for His answer to her prayers, she dedicated samuel back to the Lord.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

samuel went on to become one of ancient israel's great leaders.

when i compare the story of hannah and samuel to my story with jonathan, i can see that:

~i, too, desperately prayed for my son (although the prayers were vastly different.)
~the Lord also answered my prayers over and beyond my expectations.
~jonathan, for being only 40 minutes old, has an amazing legacy himself.

perhaps it's time, with grateful acknowledgement of the Lord's provision, to dedicate jonathan's life fully to the Lord.

i'll do it quietly in my heart and let the Lord handle the details for a heavenly celebration.

make it beautiful

2010-01-11T09:30:00.003-06:00

“To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.” ~Isaiah 61:3

huge, beautiful oak trees are abundant here in the florida panhandle. when greg and i did the landscaping for our current house, we studied them in order to decide whether or not to plant them in our yard. we learned that they grow slowly and take root deeply. over the years, the roots become as deep and far-reaching in the ground as the tree becomes tall and wide, giving each tree incredible strength to endure the harshest of storms. this is good, because we also tend to have lots of hurricanes and tropical storms here on the coast.

eden state gardens, florida

i'm sure God created the oaks like that in order that they would endure the hurricanes, just as He has provided us with all the strength and grace we need to endure the storms we might face. it brings Him glory.

He could stop there, but it keeps getting better. in typical God fashion, even after He provides what we need, He still promises beauty, joy, and praise.

just barely over three months after losing jonathan, we have seen some of these promises come to fruition. jonathan may not be here physically anymore, but we obviously have not reached the end of his story. much of our heartache has been soothed over time with the continuous reassurance that jonathan's life had a wonderful purpose. the joy and praise that has come from this has helped to drown out the silence where there should be the cries of a 3 month old baby.

but life is moving quickly by. three months will become four, then five, and so on. i realize that as time goes on, the stories we hear of how jonathan's life has touched others will become much more infrequent, or even cease. yet i pray that because jonathan has become so deeply a part of our very beings, just like kate has, that our lives will continue to be shaped and molded in such a way that jonathan is a vital component of the process. that our family's story will never be the same because of jonathan's life. jonathan's story will continue because our family continues.

i don't know what our story will be. i leave that in the hands of the Storyteller.

but i pray He will make it beautiful.

He promises to make it beautiful.

baggage-free

2010-01-07T09:01:00.001-06:00

well, already 2010 has not started like i envisioned.

the good news is that "losing 5 pounds" will no longer be my new year's resolution. i can check that one off already.

that's right, i spent the first two days of the new year very sick. it appears a stomach virus (no doubt lingering from that mean ol' 2009) had attacked 2/3 of our family. i thought i had food poisoning until greg also got sick. we immediately had kate whisked off to the grandparents' and used an entire can of lysol in our house. that seems to have done the trick. so far kate has escaped it's wrath, thank goodness.

we apologize in advance to the friends we hung out with for several hours on new year's eve.

and i apologize to my mother, who is sick even as i type this.

*****

i normally don't make a big deal about new year's resolutions or "starting over" every time january first rolls around. i might make a goal to read more, eat less, and water my plants more often or something boring like that.

well this year, i stood on 2010's doorstep with a ton of baggage collected over the past few months.

and i made the choice to step over the threshold and leave the baggage behind:

~minor regrets of things i should have done or didn't do while i was pregnant with jonathan or while he was alive in my arms....gone.

~getting thank-you notes out in a timely manner or not visiting jonathan's grave enough....gone.

~and the big one: letting people's negative reactions or comments about our decision to keep jonathan, or about our faith bother me....gone.

and that's just the tip of the baggage iceberg for me.

i have realized that by concerning myself with these types of things, especially the ones i can't change or put too much pressure on myself about, have caused me to become very weary. i recently found myself back at the place where my prayers were one word, "help," because i was too tired and overwhelmed to pray anything else.

in 2010, i gladly hand it over to the One who says:

"Come unto me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " ~Matthew 11: 28-29

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." ~Psalm 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

i pray each of you have a baggage-free 2010!

a year of refining

2010-01-03T20:06:00.002-06:00

usually when a year ends, i like to reflect on the past 12 months by counting my blessings and marveling at how fast the year has flown by. like the year before, a lot of this past year has been measured by more of kate's firsts: her first complete sentence, her first time on an airplane, her first time using the potty...you know, the important things. in fact, i'm not so sure what we did every year before kids.

however, this year i'm not sure what to make of it all. my first instinct is to say that i am glad 2009 is over. it's been a rough year for us and quite frankly, i'm ready to start anew with 2010. but after examining our year, i realize that there were many, many blessings that happened mostly, if not only, because of the trials and difficulties we faced over the past several months. that's right: trials + difficulties = blessings. is that possible? with God, yes.

at the same time, i can't deny that losing jonathan has changed me in many ways. i'm not sure that anyone out there can say that losing a baby like that doesn't shake you so deeply to the core that you come out exactly the same person you were going in.

it humbles you.
it quiets you.
it reveals your weaknesses, and therefore your desperate need for Christ.
and it gives amazing perspective, once you take your eyes off yourself and look at Him.

eventually, i became to understand that for me, it was very much a faith and character refining process.

"For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver." ~Psalm 66:10

"See, I have refined you....I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." ~ Isaiah 48:10

a refiner's fire melts down the bar of silver or gold, seperates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. this, i believe, exactly describes what our journey with jonathan has done for my faith and my heart. and let me tell you, the process of having the very deepest, darkest corners of my heart scoured and swept clean (and in a very public manner, i might add) is excruciatingly painful. yet, it's very healing and liberating at the same time.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." ~Ezekiel 36:26

i believe my experience with jonathan has changed me for the better. i'm totally OK with never being the "same" again. and because i can't go back and change the circumstances of 2009, i choose to be thankful for them.

however, i really do want to reach the point where even if i could go back and change the circumstances of the past year, that i wouldn't; to truly accept that the life and loss of our precious baby boy was for a greater gain that i might never be aware of while i live. so far, this has been the greatest challenge my faith has ever faced. in fact, it is probably the greatest perplexity a parent might ever face, in trying to understand that God had a good reason for their baby to die.

i take great comfort in the fact that God, who willingly gave the life of His Son for our gain, knows how i feel in my loss.

He knows how i need to be consoled and encouraged, and He provides.
He allows me to question Him and gently responds with love through His word.
He knows what i need to move forward, in faith and in life, and gives me hope.

i find all of these things (encouragement, answers, hope) in this scripture:

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." ~1 Peter 1:6-8

so 2009 will go down in our books as the most difficult year we've faced thus far. but i trust that the growth of our faith that has and is to come from it will be worth more than anything we could have ever lost.

God is still good

2009-12-30T12:58:00.004-06:00

i'm sad to report that baby michael was born at peace last night around 9:35. his parents' utmost concern for him was that he did not suffer, and they have assurance that he did not. please continue to pray for this grieving family.

when God chooses not to answer a prayer, or answer a prayer in a way that is different than what we think it should be...it's very easy to struggle with the "whys." i admit, i wonder why the Lord would take michael before he was born.

but after examining who God is....

He is righteous and just: "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." ~Deut. 32:4

He is perfect: "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." ~Ps. 18:30

He is full of grace: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." ~1 Pet. 5:10

He is merciful: "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..." ~Ex. 34:6

He is love: "...God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." ~1 John 4:16

He is good: "For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Ps. 100:5

He is truthful and faithful: "God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged." ~Heb. 6:18

He is wise: "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" ~Rom. 11:33

He is all-knowing: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

and, we cannot possibly begin to fathom why God does what He does: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:9

by faith we must accept His ways, but knowing these wonderful truths about Him makes it that much easier.

so no matter what the answer to our prayers for michael could have been, God is still good...

update on baby michael

2009-12-29T20:27:00.002-06:00

thanks so much for praying for the family i mentioned in the below post! she has been in labor all day but not much progression. right now it looks like baby michael will be born tomorrow sometime.

please keep praying, especially that michael would be born alive. a long labor might be tough on the little guy. i'll post an update when i get one.

with love and gratitude,
lauren

please pray

2009-12-28T13:54:00.005-06:00

i have learned that when you walk through a trial, the Lord is very gracious to go before you. He doesn't let you go through it alone.

i have seen this very evidently in our journey with jonathan, as God placed special people in our life that had experienced similar, recent loss.

six months before our diagnosis, a sweet friend of mine lost her baby girl at 22 weeks.

back around the time that kate was born, good friends of greg's lost their son shortly after birth.

and a little over three years ago, friends of ours from church lost their baby boy to trisomy 18.

each of these families has provided much encouragement and support to us over the past several months. they understand exactly what we are going through.

recently, i was talking with my friend who lost her baby girl about how the Lord had provided people like this in our lives to help us through. my friend, too, had incredible support from someone who had lost a baby shortly before she did.

well, i want to share this story and ask for your prayers for a special family.

early last spring sometime, i was at the destin commons playground with kate and met a very nice woman who was there with her two kids. she asked me about kate's dress, which i had made, and before i knew it she had made a couple of dress orders. and that was the start of our friendship.

she has been an amazing prayer warrior for our family after learning of jonathan's diagnosis, and was also the one who blessed us with the prayer/wish frame that we used at jonathan's celebration of life and at the funeral. (pictured)

tomorrow, her sister-in-law, who is carrying a trisomy 18 baby boy, is being induced. my doctor is also her doctor. she will deliver at the same hospital we did. i know she will receive the best care in this area.

please pray that her baby boy will be born alive. they long to meet him and to hold him, just like we did with jonathan. please pray for an easy delivery and for much peace for her entire family. please also pray for her doctor and the nurses that will be taking care of her.

thinking of what she will go through tomorrow brings back those mixed feelings of sorrow and joy. it is a hard, hard, journey but we "can do all things through Christ who gives us strength." Phillipians 4:13. only because of Christ did we make it through. and it will be the same for this family.

thank you for praying!

virtual book club, anyone?

2009-12-26T21:08:00.005-06:00

thanks to the thoughtfulness of my husband this christmas, i am now beginning the book "If God is Good" by randy alcorn. it's about faith in the midst of suffering and evil. (yes, i wanted this book.)

here is the brief synopsis:
Every one of us will experience suffering. Many of us are experiencing it now. As we have seen in recent years, evil is real in our world, present and close to each one of us. In such difficult times, suffering and evil beg questions about God--Why would an all-good and all-powerful God create a world full of evil and suffering? And then, how can there be a God if suffering and evil exist?

These are ancient questions, but also modern ones as well. Atheists such as Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and even former believers like Bart Ehrman answer the question simply: The existence of suffering and evil proves there is no God.

In this captivating new book, best-selling author Randy Alcorn challenges the logic of disbelief, and brings a fresh, realistic, and thoroughly biblical insight to the issues these important questions raise. Alcorn offers insights from his conversations with men and women whose lives have been torn apart by suffering, and yet whose faith in God burns brighter than ever. He reveals the big picture of who God is and what God is doing in the world–now and forever. And he equips you to share your faith more clearly and genuinely in this world of pain and fear. As he did in his best-selling book, Heaven, Randy Alcorn delves deep into a profound subject, and through compelling stories, provocative questions and answers, and keen biblical understanding, he brings assurance and hope to all.

i found these wonderful tidbits in this book, which i can completely relate to in our experience with losing jonathan, and that i'm sure many other people can as well:

"God knows what good may arise from a disease or disability and what evil could come if that disease or disability were withheld or healed." (p. 232)

alcorn continues to share about a young woman born with hypertelorism, a facial abnormality and quotes from her website:
“I don’t really like the phrase “birth defect” – it contradicts my theology. A “defect” implies a mistake and I believe that God is sovereign. If he had the power to create the entire universe according to his exact specifications, then my face was certainly no challenge for him! If God is loving, why did he deform my face? I don’t know – maybe because with a normal face I would have been robbed of the thousands and thousands of blessings that I have received because of my deformities. It seems odd, but usually our greatest trial is what most molds and shapes us. It gives us character, backbone, courage, wisdom, discernment, and friendships that are not shallow.” (p. 232)
alcorn also quotes the mother who wrote:
“I believe that God chose this sorrow for our family. And surprisingly, what I first felt was a sorrow, I see now as a joy. In all sincerity, if given such a chance, I would not change the journey our family has traveled. We have all learned, we have all grown, and we love the Lord and His sovereign direction for our lives.” (p. 232)
*****

one thing we have heard people say to us over and over again that they felt that we did not deserve to lose jonathan, and that it just wasn't fair that it happened to us. however, i have believed from the beginning that jonathan's life was no mistake. his short life was ordained long, long ago by a God who knows the good that was and is to come of it, even though many will not understand why this happened.

two and a half months later, i still believe this and especially now that we have seen some of the fruit of his life. seeing the good that has come from this journey given us much to be joyful about in spite of the sad circumstances. every day we become stronger in our faith and in our determination to trust the sovereignty of God. i just don't know how people make it through tough times without any Hope.

so....all that to say that i'm really looking forward to reading this book. i need a fresh biblical perspective on the suffering we've experienced lately. (and i'm especially glad that someone else did the years of research and wrapped it all up in a tidy package. is that wrong?)

if anyone, especially other T13 moms, would like to join me in reading the book "together," let me know. i'm sure i'll be occasionally remarking about the book here and i welcome your comments and messages.

remembering jonathan at christmas

2009-12-21T13:02:00.007-06:00

i've been contemplating which thoughts to post here lately. our journey with jonathan has certainly had it's share of mountains and valleys, and the same is true of our time of grieving for our loss. most of the time my posts are constructed of thoughts over a period of days but lately my thoughts are scattered all over the place and cannot be pieced together to make any sense. on a day where i might feel sad and consider writing one thing, it is countered the next day with joy and i feel like writing something else.

this thing called grief can be very paradoxical at times.

it is how i feel with christmas being right around the corner. sad that there are four stockings hung and only three of us to enjoy them. sad that the only tangible hint of jonathan anywhere is the ornament on our tree that bears his footprints. sad because we are experiencing another "first" without our baby boy. i admit, these thoughts take away a little of the sparkle out of the season for me.

and yet, every day it seems, my spirits are gently lifted in some way. to this day, we still get a card in the mail here or there with someone telling us how they are praying for us. or i receive an encouraging email from someone, telling me how much jonathan's life has touched them. it always comes at the right time.

isn't that just like God to do that?

it is so important to me that jonathan's memory continues. i will always have the memories of my pregnancy and then the 40 minutes we had with him. i get to say that i have "two kids." just because jonathan's life was short does not diminish the fact that he lived. but, i don't get to make any new memories. and i suppose i'm just like any other proud mother out there who enjoys talking about her kids. i like talking about jonathan. and i'm thankful i have friends who allow me to, and sometimes even bring it up first.

greg and i said from the beginning of this journey that we would keep jonathan's memory alive in our family. kate will continue to be a big sister. any future baby will know about his/her big brother. we will continue forward in a positive way, celebrating milestones of life as if jonathan was still with us. except we will just bring the celebration to him at his resting place.

i just bought a small christmas tree that in years to come our family can decorate together and place at his grave. it's a small, small way that we can include him each year. i imagine creating lots of handmade ornaments (mostly by kate) and decorating it amidst lots of joy and laughter, year after year. for it won't be lost on us that jonathan is having the ultimate christmas celebration with Christ the King himself.

how it brings me such joy that jonathan is still being remembered and treasured. as a parent who has lost a baby, i know i am not alone in my deep desire that my child will not be forgotten.

isn't that how God surely feels about His Son?

thank you for allowing me to remember them both here.

merry christmas to you!

*****

my mom found this baby angel ornament at target....note that it says "gift from God" at the bottom. that is what jonathan's name means. isn't it perfect? by the time i got there to buy several to give as gifts in remembrance of jonathan, i couldn't find any more.

missing her brother

2009-12-16T14:08:00.004-06:00

like i mentioned in this previous post, kate is very aware of where we are, even when we're driving in the car.

driving to a friend's house this morning, we passed heritage gardens, where jonathan is buried.

this was our conversation as we passed by:

kate: jon-than? hi jon-than!

me: you mean jackson? (i was confused at first, since jackson was the little boy we would be seeing that morning.)

kate: jon-than! please?

me: aw, maybe next time we'll go visit jonathan. you miss him, don't you?

kate: baby jesus.

me: yes, jonathan is with jesus.

*****

everytime we go visit jonathan's grave, kate has the best time. she actually looks forward to going. and when it's time to leave, she always says the same thing: "bye-bye, jon-than! miss you!"

i'm so thankful that my little girl has such a tender heart towards her baby brother who she only met once. i pray she never forgets him.

a must-read

2009-12-13T19:46:00.006-06:00

i have a new favorite author and his name is randy alcorn. i just finished his book, "heaven", and i'm telling everyone about it.

for me, it gave great perspective during these past few difficult months. there is that cliche that people use when you go through a devastating event: "with time, it will get better." or, "this, too, shall pass." reading this book was like i had pushed a fast-forward button for my grieving time for jonathan.

in a nutshell, (the book is 500+ pages long, but don't let that scare you) isn't it true that when you're in a situation that you know is temporary, it makes it a lot easier to get through it? when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, people can endure extraordinary difficulties for a short amount of time. for me right now, it is the death of my baby boy. for someone else, it may be a difficult marriage. or taking care of a family member who is unable to care for themselves. or, it may be a missionary who has given up all material possessions and family to live in a jungle far from home in order to share who Jesus is.

i get that now.

i believe that it is a better understanding of heaven and what awaits us there, that allows for someone to be able to gracefully endure the hardships of this world that we all will face at some point. it is the understanding that our life here in this world is but a fleeting moment while our time in true paradise lasts for an eternity.

"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people;the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..." Isaiah 65:17-20.

alcorn does a great job of sticking to the scriptures and making sure that everything he says is biblically-based and not opinion or flippant inference. he covers all the questions people have about heaven, including what we will know and learn, what our relationships with each other will be like, what we might do in heaven (will we be bored?) it's a must-read for everyone, believers and unbelievers alike, and especially, in my opinion, moms like me who need to know more about this place where our babies are and what it will be like to see them again.

if you read it, or have read it, i'd love to hear your thoughts.

2 months

2009-12-08T13:23:00.002-06:00

my sweet jonathan is celebrating his 2-month birthday with the angels today. i imagine that there is no better birthday party than one celebrated in heaven, and that the happy birthday song does not sound any sweeter than when sung by angels.

i'm praying for all the mommies i know out there who have also lost a child or who are carrying babies who have received a fatal diagnosis. whether you have contacted me by email or through this blog, you are on my mind today (and often.)

love,
lauren

stockings

2009-11-30T21:41:00.006-06:00

jonathan's due date was today. i didn't think this day would bother me so much until it actually arrived. i spent the day decorating my house for christmas, trying to keep my mind off the fact that a few months ago i believed i would be bringing home a healthy baby about now. how different things wound up being.

over the past couple of months i've noticed that kate, who turned two yesterday, has become more and more observant of her surroundings. when we're in the car, she knows where we are going by certain landmarks. about a month ago, i told her i was taking her to the park. i usually take her to a certain park, but on that day, i was taking her to a different, better one. as i drove out of the driveway and into the street, she burst into tears, crying, "park! park!" apparently, i had not driven the direction she was accustomed to going when i normally took her to the park. i spent half of the drive there trying to console her and convince her we were still going to the park, it was just a different and better one!

this is how i tend to react when things in my life go in a different, seemingly wrong direction.

except it's God at the wheel and i'm in the backseat trying to explain to Him that He made a wrong turn.

He convinces me with:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

so today, as i was pulling out decorations and hanging up wreaths, lights, and ornaments, i came to the box that held our stockings. i had just bought them last christmas, and i knew i had purchased four matching ones since i was hoping for a new baby this year. my heart sank a bit because for now there would be a stocking for jonathan, but i wasn't sure i could find another matching stocking for a future baby. but as i opened the box, to my amazement, there were five stockings in the box. then i remembered that i had purchased one extra one, "just in case." my heart became full of joy and praise. God knew that one day we would need five stockings.

my mantle looks so festive with lights, candles, and the four matching stockings. i even imagined what it might look like next christmas with the five stockings, if that is part of His will.

i can't begin to fathom what kind of plans God has for my future. but i do know they are good. so i am just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

sunset

2009-11-28T21:09:00.003-06:00

i wanted to share this picture that i took tonight of the sunset over navarre beach. what a beautiful taste of all the splendor jonathan must know! i'm so thankful that the Lord shares these crumbs of heaven with us, that our appetites might be increased for our true home.

(double click to open a larger screen)

"The Mighty One, God, the LORD,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.
From Zion, perfect in beauty,
God shines forth.
Our God comes and will not be silent;
a fire devours before him,
and around him a tempest rages."
~Psalm 50:1-3

Jonathan's Journey

it's that time....

jonathan's 2nd birthday

approaching two years...where we are now

what's next?

it's how we roll

his name in the sand

restoration

a piece of jonathan's heart

sweet baby evan

long time no blog

glimpses

evan's birth story

a year of hallelujahs

merry christmas!

making plans

baby ailah update

this just makes it all the more real...

finally...

another goodbye

baby ailah update

baby ailah

jonathan's celebration

a divine puzzle

happy birthday

a huge success

baby evan update

just when we thought it was already big...

"woven together" blanket

11 months

"God is gracious"

20 weeks

run for new life 5K

10 months of heaven

the crossroad

working on the *completely*

God at work, part seven: rivers in the desert

God at work, part six: silence doesn't mean absence

9 months

God at work, part five: encouragement through scripture

God at work, part four: a new journey

i'll take it

sweet feet

7 years and 8 months

a song for this part of the journey

God at work, part three: woven together

God at work, part two: healing and a new ministry

where i've been....

7 months and mother's day

God at work, part one (and another prayer request)

update on baby joshua

another prayer request

a quick update

six months of loss

6 months

hope for healing

the ultimate rejection. well, sort of.

things to remember him by

what He knows

thankful....again

count it all joy

the "club"

i'm back...

more about last week's opportunity

love

a new perspective

4 months and a unique opportunity

how to help a grieving friend

let me introduce myself...

sanctity of human life

haiti

land of the living

dedication

make it beautiful

baggage-free

a year of refining

God is still good

update on baby michael

please pray

virtual book club, anyone?

working on the completely