a piece of jonathan's heart

ever wonder why God does or allows some of the things He does?  i do, all the time.  the past two weeks or so have been full of bad news for the world and for people i care about.  the earthquake and tsunami in japan.  the death of a former coworker, the day before he was to get married.  a dear friend whose dog died a week before her mother passed away and whose father is very ill as well.  people i know who have sick babies or complicated pregnancies.  friends facing serious trials and even persecution.  i could go on and on. 

i have a perspective that i might not have now had i not gone through the suffering of losing jonathan.  and though i'm not comparing losing a baby to experiencing a devastating tsunami or anything, i feel that my response might be the same:  i don't know why God allowed it to happen, but i do know that the Lord provides at all times.

He provides for physical needs.  emotional needs.  spiritual needs.  even the needs that we have that we don't yet know we have.  during the time i was pregnant with jonathan and then after losing him, God's provision for my needs was comprehensive and even lavish.  today i still stand amazed at the graciousness of the Lord, even though i can't understand many of His mysterious ways.  and i'm OK with that, as i choose to believe with faith that of a child.  my prayer for my friends who are suffering as well as people who are suffering all over the world is that they would cling to the Lord for their needs.  and He is sure to meet them in their very place of need, and provide above and beyond what they would ever expect.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.
~Psalm 91

*****

speaking of the Lord providing for a need before we become aware of it....

i have another testimony of the Lord's gracious provision for us while we were pregnant with evan.  i haven't shared this story until now, mainly because i didn't want to cause anyone to worry about evan's health as the worry was not necessary.

we went to our first appointment with our specialist in pensacola about two weeks after we learned that we were having a healthy baby boy (evan.)   i was 17 and a half weeks pregnant, far enough along to get the detailed ultrasound that would focus on all of evan's organs to make sure that everything looked good. 

after what we had been through with jonathan, i had done enough research on trisomies and looked at a million ultrasound pictures of complications like what jonathan had, that i felt like i could have done the ultrasound on myself and i would have known what i was looking at.  (no disrespect to the docs or ultrasounds techs....but i'm waiting on my honorary degree.  ha!)  anyway,  everything looked great.  all of his measurements were perfect and there were no signs of complications or abnormalities anywhere.

until they scanned the heart.  beating?  check.  four chambers?  check.  working correctly?  check.  but then i saw it.  it was one of those "bright spots" that jonathan had in most of his major organs. evan had one in the left chamber. 

no one said anything about it during the ultrasound.  my specialist told us everything looked great and that he would meet us with the genetic counselor in the conference room.

soon we were staring at a sheet of paper with information about the "echogenic intracardiac focus."  it was explained to us that it was probably a calcium build-up or even just a reflection off of a muscle or tendon in the heart.  it was a "normal variation" of the make-up of the heart and had no affect on its function.  however, there was a small chance that it could be a soft marker for down's syndrome (trisomy 21.)

OK, what???

not what we wanted or expected to hear, especially with our history of already having a trisomy-affected baby.  our genetic counselor tried to reassure us best she could by offering the fact that since we both had normal chromosomes, the chances for us to have a second trisomy baby in a row would be astronomical.  still, we were offered to have an amniocentesis done that day.

greg and i went back and forth on the decision to do the amnio or not, and finally left the doctor's office and went to a bookstore across the street to escape the emotion and duress of being there while trying to make a tough decision.  we wandered around for what seemed to be a long time, mulling over the pros and cons of the amnio.

it was during this time that i reflected on that verse the Lord had given me the day i found out i was pregnant with evan:

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
~Isaiah 43:18-19

in my heart i knew that evan was OK.  everything else in that ultrasound backed up the fact that evan was completely healthy.  but after all that we had been through previously, it was still hard.   i wanted to believe God for a completely healthy baby and believe that He was assuring me of this through that scripture.  it may seem black and white to some, but for us, with our wounds still on the mend, it was so very hard.

ultimately, we decided not to do the amnio for the risk it posed, even though our specialist had done literally thousands and had never had a loss.  we now had no way of knowing 100% that evan was chromosomally normal until he was born.  we opted instead for monthly ultrasound follow-ups and i took the quad-screen blood test to see if we had an abnormal screen.  only if i had an abnormal screen would we then proceed with the amnio.

so for two days i prayed non-stop for evan's health and for God to give us a normal quad screen result.  i did some research on down's syndrome and made peace with myself and the Lord if that was His will for evan's life.  i went back and looked at jonathan's screen results and even his came back normal at 1/321 for a trisomy.  (the threshold for "normal" is around 1/280.)  i wanted BIG numbers for evan, so there wouldn't be a doubt about it.  for my age, the chance or risk for down's was 1/528.  so i was hoping for something along the lines of 1/800 to make me happy.  and so i prayed for numbers.

two days later, it was numbers we got:  1/1200!

now, i know that God isn't just about numbers.  and i know about the false positives and negatives of this test.  but the Lord was bigger than my unbelief and He graciously provided relief for us through these numbers, even though He certainly didn't have to and we certainly didn't deserve it.  isn't He good??

so the bright spot on evan's heart became much less concerning to us.  a few people i talked to, including two physician-friends, were well aware of plenty of normal, healthy babies born after being found to have an echogenic focus.  each follow-up ultrasound we had on evan showed a big and healthy baby boy, perfect in every measurement, even though that bright spot was still there each time.

i know that the Lord created evan exactly the way he was meant to be, bright spot and all.  but why the bright spot was there, is one of those mysteries we may never have the answer to.  if it is just a normal variant that poses no health concern, then why not just leave it out and spare us the grief and worry?  maybe it's there for a reason we can't know about.  the Lord knew that we would become aware of it and be concerned and that's why i believe He provided that scripture for us to hold fast to.  He's amazing like that.

so for now, as i hold my precious, healthy, adorable baby boy, i like to think it's just a little piece of jonathan's heart that evan carries with him.  it's certainly another reminder to me of the Lord's graciousness to us.



2 weeks old



sweet baby evan

evan turned two months old on the 22nd. i can't believe how fast time is flying by, but at the same time, i knew it would. 

i can honestly say that i have enjoyed every single second with this sweet baby.  i spend each day adoring him and taking in just how beautiful he is, how soft his skin is, how sweet he smells (most of the time), how good it feels to hold him in my arms.  all we begged of the Lord was for a healthy baby, and He outdid Himself by blessing us with evan.  evan loves to be held, he doesn't fuss much, he eats well (he was 14+ pounds at 8 weeks old!), he rarely spits up, he doesn't pee on me when i change his diaper, and he sleeps on average 5 hours straight each night, one night even hitting the 7 hour mark. 

ok, now i'm just bragging.

but even in the roughest of nights, i am enjoying evan so very much.  in fact, it's when evan and i are the only ones awake and i'm completely exhausted that i reflect on just how blessed i am by this precious gift. 

besides, it's hard to feel anything but love when he greets me with a sleepy smile in the middle of the night.

long time no blog

i've been a "little busy" lately...

and this is why:

i just can't stop loving on this little guy!

glimpses

i have gotten the biggest kick out of seeing how much my children look alike....

here's kate at 2 days old...



Kate


 and here's evan at 2 days old...so much like his sister!
 

Evan


and a couple more...these are at 3 weeks old...

Kate

Evan


oh, but let's not forget jonathan!  i didn't think he looked like either greg or me, so i never thought in my wildest dreams that evan might actually look like him...


Jonathan



Evan

perhaps it's just meant to be that i will always see glimpses of our jonathan in evan.  it doesn't at all make my heart hurt, although we still miss him of course.  instead, it's just been a sweet reminder that jonathan is still very much a part of our family.

evan's birth story

what a difference a year can make. last christmas was bittersweet without jonathan. our wounds were still incredibly raw from losing him that we weren't able to enjoy the christmas season the way we should have. we were supposed to be celebrating our first christmas as a family of four, and jonathan's absence was overwhelming. we did our best to make it through for the sake of our two year old daughter who was just learning the true meaning of christmas (as well as how to unwrap presents by herself.) watching kate enjoy all of the sights, sounds, and meaning of christmas helped us make it through with smiles on our faces.

and so, the fact that evan's birthday was right before christmas and that we brought him home on christmas eve...well, i can only consider it as the graciousness and tenderness of the Lord that it happened that way. evan was our amazing christmas gift and we are so overjoyed and thankful for him and the timing of his birth.

so, for evan's birth story...

i had long "decided" that evan would be born a little early (but still full-term.)  it was my third baby and third babies come earlier and easier, right?  besides, i so badly wanted him home in time for christmas, and i admit i was scared of delivering a 9+ pound baby.  so i was encouraged when, at my 36 week OB appointment, my doctor checked me and i was already dilated to 2 cm and 70%. 

but at my 37 week visit, there was no progression, in fact, evan's head was not even as low as before.  i was so disappointed.  as in, crying while my OB had to console me in the exam room.  but thanks to her encouragement and to a week of consciously laying down my own desires and timing in favor of the Lord's, i submitted to His greater plan for evan's birth.  he would come when he was supposed to, not when i wanted him to. even if it meant waiting until after christmas.

and then, at my 38 week appointment, the 20th of december, i was suddenly 5 cm dilated!  (i've read that 4 cm is considered active labor.)  however, i wasn't having regular contractions yet.  so for the next two days, i walked for hours until i had hard contractions.  and still, each time we would get ready to go to the hospital, they became irregular again.  so i went to see my OB again after the two days to see what was going on.  at this appointment (on the 22nd), i was dilated to a 7!  because i live an hour from the hospital and was so dilated, my OB admitted me to labor and delivery.  this was around lunch time.  when i was admitted, i was checked again, and this time i was 8 cm.

my OB had a couple of surgeries to do first, so my contractions were monitored while we were waiting for her.  not much was happening still, but when the contractions came, they were pretty intense.  greg and i talked about my options regarding pain relief with the anesthesiologist but in the end i decided to go natural due to the fact that i was already 8 cm and that surely evan would come quickly. 

so then my OB came in and broke my water.  at this point, we had a scary moment as evan's heart rate started dropping quickly.  it went from about 140 BPM to 80 BPM to 60 BPM in just a matter of seconds.  i freaked out of course, and my mind went directly to those last moments with jonathan when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat anymore.  this just wasn't supposed to be happening with evan!  but thankfully, evan had only just dropped lower into my pelvis when my water was broken.  everything was OK and the nurses adjusted the monitors to find evan's new position.  but what a scare!

i still wasn't having regular contractions at this point, so i was started on the lowest possible dose of pitocin.  this was around 3:15 or so.  within about 10 minutes, my contractions were regular and unbearable.  i started asking about demanding pain medicine but it was too late.  evan was born about 30 minutes later after the worst physical pain i have ever experienced.   he was 8 pounds and 21.5 inches long.  note to my pregnant friends:  the epidural is an amazing thing and i highly recommend it!  note to self:  never do that again.

and...we heard the most amazing sound right after evan was born...his incredibly loud cry and the happy chimes playing over the hospital speakers, letting everyone know that a baby had just been born.  last october, we never got to hear this song or jonathan's first cry.

and now, evan is three weeks old already. where does the time go? we are thoroughly enjoying every moment with him. just his presence here with us makes the long nights and the numerous times i've had to clean up bodily fluids off of me completely worth it. and while perspective has a lot to do with maintaining a good attitude while suffering a lack of sleep, it also helps that he is completely healthy, eating well, and loves being held and cuddled. and we oblige. you can't spoil a newborn, right?

however...i must say that, of course, evan does not completely fill the hole that jonathan left. before evan's arrival, i had prepared myself that evan would not be jonathan's replacement. and now i've actually experienced it to be true. i know i will not ever fully understand why jonathan had to die or why it had to happen to us, as long as i live on this earth. i've tried to analyze it a million times, but only God knows.  and because i know God to be good and His ways to be perfect, i can trust His purpose for jonathan was also good.

at the same time, i do believe the Lord has a very special purpose for evan.  in fact, evan probably would not be here had jonathan lived.  but evan is here, as an answer to our prayers and a blessing to our family.

here is a little of that journey:

almost a year ago to the day, i wrote this post based on the scripture Isaiah 61:3: “To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.”  i was basically asking for God to make something beautiful from our journey of sorrow and joy.

a few months later, i was pregnant.  then, during the summer bible study i took part in, one of our assignments was to write and speak a blessing over one of the other ladies randomly chosen for us.  my OB, who led the study, happened to be the one to speak a blessing over me.  in that blessing, she asked the Lord for the blessings that jonathan would have had to be given as a "double portion" of blessing for evan (based on 2 Kings 2:9) so that evan would have double the impact in this world as jonathan did.  what a wonderful prayer for my sweet boy! 

and then, a few more months later as i'm approaching the end of my pregnancy, my OB brought to my attention the scripture that follows the "beauty for ashes" verse in Isaiah 61:3...

Isaiah 61:7 says: "Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours."

and finally, this has everything to do with evan's middle name "joseph", which means "God will increase."  the name joseph has always been on the radar since it is my father's name.  but when i saw what the name means, and how it fits into the context of receiving a "double portion", i knew that it had to be part of evan's name.

i love how that all came together!  God has indeed made something beautiful from the ashes.  and it's just the beginning.

a year of hallelujahs

our year (plus a couple of months) in review...

merry christmas!

our christmas gift has arrived! 

evan joseph tomaschko was born at 3:59 pm on december 22nd, weighing 8 pounds and was 21.5 inches long.

he is healthy and perfect.

we got to take him home on christmas eve.  God is indeed gracious and we have so much to be thankful for!

making plans

almost a year and a half ago now, we were making plans for our unborn baby boy, jonathan.

not the kind of plans anyone would want to make, though.  unfortunately, those plans included the course of treatment after birth (basically, how he would die) and funeral and burial plans instead of what colors his nursery would be or what he career he might choose when he grows up.  and even in the making of those heart-wrenching plans for his death and burial, i knew that i would have to go to a baby store in order to get some of the things he needed, whether he lived or died.  a blanket.  a keepsake baby bible, perhaps.  an outfit to be buried in.

we never knew when jonathan was going to be born.  his due date was november 30th, but most trisomy babies don't make it to full term.  we knew he would be small at birth.  and, it stays warm here in florida sometimes through october and beyond, so i knew i needed not one but two outfits for jonathan...one for the warmer weather and one for if a miracle occured and he made it to full term in the late fall.  i guess it wouldn't have made a difference what oufit he wore...but at the time, every choice we made for jonathan was made with careful consideration.  it was part of our desire to do the best thing for him in the big things as well as the small, for as long as he was alive.

jonathan was buried on a warm and rainy day in october in a cute little light blue sailor-themed outfit, which even though it was sized "preemie", it still dwarfed his tiny four-pound body.

which left the winter outfit, a beautiful (and way too expensive, but hey...) light blue cable-knit sweater outfit to be returned to the store. 

however, because it took me months to go through any of jonathan's things after he was gone, i didn't realize that i had missed the short time frame to return the outfit.  i was stuck with it.  i'll be honest, every time i came across it, it was hard to look at it.  but eventually i decided to keep it because it was one of the few things he left behind for us to remember him by.  it was tucked away into a box, up on a shelf.

*****

pregnancy after a loss is full of ups and downs.  i think most people who have experienced this would agree.  one minute you're so excited and hopeful and the next, you're worried if there is something wrong you don't know about or that maybe the doctors missed on the ultrasound.  you anxiously await those pregnancy milestones...seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks, making it past the "miscarriage risk" at 13 weeks, then the gender/body scan, then viability, then full term...and all the weeks in between.  the hardest thing i've experienced during this pregnancy is not the morning sickness, or the tiredness, or the pinched nerves and other aches and pains...it is the anxiety or doubt that comes creeping in at times.  throw in some crazy ol' pregnancy hormones and it's easy to become a neurotic mess. 

not to mention, i feel like i've been pregnant two years straight and still waiting on the baby to arrive.

oh wait, that is pretty much the truth.

but now, at 37 weeks pregnant, we're busy making plans for a new baby.  we've had to believe and trust that evan is actually coming home with us.  every single act of preparation we've made for him has involved a conscious decision to believe and trust God for this baby boy.  it is only by this faith that we finally have the crib set up and clothes hung in his closet. that the carseat is down from the attic and has been cleaned.  that the nursery is getting it's final touches.  that my hospital bags are almost completely packed.  that we are slowly but surely getting physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to meet our newest son.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." ~Isaiah 26:3

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13

there was definitely no "flip of a switch"-type of transition from one pregnancy to the next; it's certainly taken the whole nine months to truly accept the blessing of a new, healthy baby, as well as to realize that the acceptance of evan as our newest miracle doesn't mean that we have to leave all things jonathan-related behind in order to move foward.  i've reached a point in my healing where i have decided that all of what jonathan left behind is something to be shared and treasured, not tucked away in hidden places. 

and so, through the tenderness and timely provision of the Lord a year and a half ago, evan has the perfect outfit to wear when we bring him home from the hospital...

baby ailah update

i just learned that baby ailah passed away today after blessing her family with 28 days of life.

please continue to lift up her parents and family in prayer if you are so led.

thank you!

this just makes it all the more real...

this is not news to anyone, but more like reality settling in for me...we're gonna have a baby.  a very large healthy baby boy.  sometime next month!!!

a couple of weekends ago, a group of friends and family helped make this seemingly distant event become very, very real to me with each word of encouragement i received as well as with each baby blue item i unwrapped.

this is actually happening.  and it's time to celebrate...

the spread...

the amazing cake...it matches evan's nursery!

the gift centerpiece

the onesie says "I roll with Jesus" with a stroller on it!

hand-painted by my friend cathy!

group shot...unfortunately taken after a few ladies had already left.

family!

me at 32 weeks (evan is measuring 3 weeks ahead!)

i'm so thankful for everyone who has sent me such kind words of encouragement and sent up prayers on our behalf for baby evan and my pregnancy.  we are blessed by you.

finally...

...it's here! 

after weeks of editing drawings and measurements, we are so pleased with the final product.  "gulf coast monuments" in fort walton beach did a fantastic job.

the top part says "our gift from God" because that is what jonathan's name means.  hence, the scripture at the bottom which reads "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17

the picture we chose completely represents where we believe jonathan is now...in the arms of Jesus.  i can't even explain it in words, but the feeling i felt when jonathan died in my arms and the moments that followed...i know with absolute certainty that there was a holy presence in our hospital room that night.  i've never felt it so strongly before in my life and i haven't felt it as strongly since.  God was with us.

and so, just over a year after jonathan's birth and death, the headstone also represents to us the final thing that needed to be done for our son, almost like a large granite bookend to the past year.  there's not much left for us to do now; maybe occasionally wipe off any dirt left from a rainstorm, or pull any weeds around his plot, and bring him seasonal flowers and other items.  sadly, this kind of maintenance takes the place of us caring for him like we would if he were here with us.  how i'd love to give him a bath, or have the opportunity to change a dirty diaper, or clean off his muddy hands or face after he had played in the dirt.  instead, we get to parent a headstone. 

wow, the perspective i've gained from all of this.

another goodbye

this time, i am saying goodbye to my paternal grandmother, "mimi", who passed away yesterday just shy of 90 years of age.  and even though she was almost 90, it was still somewhat of a shock that she passed away so suddenly, as she seemed to be in decent health most of the time.  her passing makes it the third loss in my family in just a year and a half.


Mimi with Kate, a couple of years ago

but i know that the Lord ordaines our days and knows when they begin and when they end. 

and i am thankful that i got to grow up with a grandmother who lived nearby and loved having all of the grandchildren over to her house.  i have such great memories of spending time with all of my grandparents from as far back as i can remember.

i'm thankful that my children will have the same opportunity to spend lots of time with their grandparents as they too all live nearby.

i'm also touched that jonathan shares a birthday (october 8th) with my maternal grandmother, "nana", who passed away a few months before he did.  my mimi's birthday is on december 9th, a couple of weeks before evan's due date.  it sure would be interesting if evan were born on that day...i guess we will see.

baby ailah update

baby ailah (see blog post below) was born yesterday and is doing very well!  she is now 29 hours old.  she is 4 pounds, 2 ounces and taking bottles on her own.  what a little miracle!  please continue to pray for this precious baby and her family. 

thanks so much!

baby ailah

one of the many blessings that has come from jonathan's life is that i get to "meet" wonderful people, either in person or online, who happen share the common bond of a fatal prenatal diagnosis or the loss of a baby. 

my new friend darlene is expecting her first baby, a girl named ailah (pronounced "eye-lah") who has been prenatally diagnosed with trisomy 18.  darlene and i exchanged emails before meeting at our recent run for new life 5K.  there, we got to spend some time sharing about our babies and encouraging one another.  ailah has a very special mommy.

ailah is scheduled to be born in just a few days.

please pray that all goes well with ailah's delivery and that the family gets to spend some precious moments with their new baby girl.  so far, ailah seems to be doing wonderfully, in spite of her diagnosis.  please pray for abundant peace and comfort for this family in advance of what they are likely to experience, whether it be minutes or several days, after the birth of their daughter. 

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~Psalm 23:4

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:18-31

"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" ~Nahum 1:7

i will post an update on baby ailah as soon as i get word.  thank you for praying.

jonathan's celebration

jonathan's first birthday has come and gone, but not without quite a bit of anticipation of this huge milestone in our lives.  once it passed, i actually felt relief. 

leading up to jonathan's birthday, i spent a lot of time thinking about october 8, 2009. i also initially put pressure on myself all week to put those thoughts into words and post it here as part of his "baby journal", but to be honest i really didn't know where to begin. usually to celebrate your baby's first year, you might post photos documenting the important milestones your baby reached throughout the year. or pictures of your baby digging into his first birthday cake. but i don't have any new pictures. i don't have anything new to share about what he's been up to, what he looks like now, or anything like that. celebrating your baby's first birthday when he died on the day he was born....i wasn't quite sure how to appropriately mark this occasion.

i also wanted to find "the perfect" scripture to post on his birthday blog but was having trouble finding exactly what i thought was the "right one." so i decided to let the pressure go with posting a blog and to just celebrate the occasion the way that felt most natural to us, and that included spending time with the people who were there when jonathan was born and supported us through the past year.

the night before jonathan's birthday, i picked up my bible to read that day's scripture.  i've been reading consecutively through the Psalms every night before bed, and interestingly enough, that night the one i read  was Psalm 40.  the number 40 has meant such a great deal to me since jonathan's death because i believe it has biblical meaning:  each time the number 40 is used in the bible, it marks a period of trial followed by a period of rest and restoration.  it also happens to be the number of minutes jonathan lived after birth.  coincidence?  i personally don't believe in coincidence. 

the first part of Psalm 40 reads:

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

~Psalm 40:1-5

Psalm 40 perfectly describes our last year without jonathan.  how amazing (and timely) is that??

*****

we celebrated the jonathan's birthday by meeting at jonathan's gravesite with a small group of some of our closest friends and family that evening.  our worship pastor lead a devotion and prayer time based on Psalm 111 and we gave all the kids balloons to release up to heaven.

Jonathan's marker...still no headstone on his birthday.

we then went out to a local mexican restaurant - the same one we ate at after jonathan's funeral - and fellowshiped over chips and salsa (and fajitas for evan.)

Some of my closest girlfriends

later, our families met at greg's parent's house and had cupcakes for dessert.

it was such a nice time without any tears.  we still just feel so blessed to have experienced jonathan's life, even for such a short time, and i'm so glad we celebrated it the way that we did.

a divine puzzle

check out this recent blog post about the details coming together for the "run for new life 5K" written by my friend (and OB) jennifer esses.  a divine puzzle, indeed!

happy birthday

happy birthday to our sweet jonathan today.  we know he is having a grand celebration in heaven today and keeping those angels on their toes, i'm sure.  we plan to send a few balloons up to the party later this evening.

in the meantime, we'll be remembering what a privilege it is to be his parents and an absolute blessing he continues to be in our lives.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17

a huge success

this past saturday was the day our dreams, prayers, and planning of the first annual run for new life 5k came to fruition. and....it was a huge success!  we had a turn out of over 170 runners, which doesn't include the many volunteers and spectators that also came out to support us.  it was a beautiful day and everything just fell into place, allowing for a very enjoyable time to be had by all.  we had this race covered in prayers and the Lord was so gracious to answer them.

the icing on top of the cake was definitely national christian artist heather williams' performance.  she has an amazing voice and amazing testimony that i'm sure touched many in the audience.

words cannot express our appreciation to everyone to came out and participated in this meaningful event.  thank you!!

below are some pictures from the event, or you can see all of the pictures here on our Facebook group page (you must have a Facebook account to access it.)

the organizers

packet pickup

me and my sweet momma who helped out

with the amazing Heather Williams

some of our wonderful volunteers

and they're off!

Heather Williams performing

baby evan update

yesterday, greg and i breathed a big sigh of relief after our appointment with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart. not that we had too much to worry about since our baby boy has already pretty much been declared "healthy" a couple of times previously. however, at this appointment, evan would be big enough to really study his anatomy for more detail.  for me, anytime we visit the specialist, i just can't help but think back to jonathan and those bittersweet appointments.  while it was always wonderful to see him up on the big screen moving, sucking his thumb, and hiccupping...acting like a normal baby...it was also heartbreaking to see all of his problems and to be reminded that he basically had no chance of survival after birth.  those difficult memories come sneaking around when it's time to make the trip to the specialist.  even though dr. thorp and his staff are always so wonderful and kind to us, it's never a completely enjoyable event.  and now there's always the "what-if" factor with evan.  so, until this baby is safe in my arms, breathing on his own, nursing like a champ, and making huge messes in his diaper will i finally relax. (well, as much as you can relax with a newborn and a busy toddler in the house!)

we arrived at the appointment a little nervous and armed with a huge list of questions to ask about evan and about the pregnancy. most of those questions were based on the abnormalities either jonathan or i experienced the last time. basically, i just needed to be told that every detail of this pregnancy was normal and that evan had no issues that would make me wonder otherwise.  we had prayed for good news at this appointment for months.  so as we watched the ultrasound screen with big smiles and made compliments of our son that only adoring parents would make ("look at those cute chubby cheeks!"), our anxiety melted away and each question was answered to our satisfaction and reassurance.

so here's the latest with evan:  he weighs approximately 2.5 pounds (61st percentile) and has long arms and legs. he has the most adorable profile and chubby cheeks (if i do say so myself!) the ultrasound tech even pointed to hair sticking up off of his scalp! he is already in the head-down position, which i had figured since i have been feeling baby feet up near my ribs lately. he smacked his lips and sucked his thumb during the ultrasound, too. he is also "still a boy"...i had them check again since a friend of mine just delivered a girl after being told for months it was a boy!  in summary, evan is - as the specialist called him - beautiful and perfect. ahhhhh. that's the sound of weight lifting off of our shoulders!  we are so thankful for this news!

as far as my health is concerned, everything looks good that affects the baby. my weight gain and blood pressure is perfect. the only minor glitch is that i have a cyst on my thyroid, but so far it has not affected the baby. there is really nothing that can be done for it until after delivery. the cyst is probably pregnancy-related (i have been pregnant 3 of the last 4 years...hmmm) and will hopefully disappear on it's own in the next few months.  it's been mostly an irrelevant issue for me.

emotionally, i feel like i have finally gotten to a point where i have mentally separated my boys' pregnancies. especially after today. over the past couple of months, i have been able to bond with evan as evan and not compare him constantly to jonathan.  the only time i still compare is at doctors' visits.  i don't stress anymore over not feeling him move after a couple of hours, and i don't stress over the fact that i have yet to hear evan's heartbeat with my home doppler.  i've begun to make preparations mentally and practically speaking that we will be bringing this baby home. even kate is getting excited over her baby brother that will be arriving sometime around christmas.

so here's evan's growth progress over the past month or so and a sweet profile pic of his face...

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks...Greg says I look like Barney the Dinosaur here!  :)

24 weeks

26 weeks

26 weeks and 4 days old...isn't he adorable???  :)

just when we thought it was already big...

....God is bigger!!

BIG news!  we just learned that national Christian recording artist heather williams is coming to our "run for new life 5K"!

we had no idea that our "little" memorial run would reach such amazing proportions.  as of right now, we have over 200 people signed up and now heather williams is coming to share her testimony of how she got through the loss of her baby boy, as well as sing two or three songs.

the way everything just fell into place for this to happen...well, it's obvious that God's hands are all over the details. 

if you don't know who heather williams is (she's relatively new to the Christian music scene), then check out her short youtube video:



if you want more of her amazing story, check out this video (be warned~ you will need tissues):



"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:20-21