i just learned that baby ailah passed away today after blessing her family with 28 days of life.
please continue to lift up her parents and family in prayer if you are so led.
thank you!
11.26.2010
11.15.2010
this just makes it all the more real...
this is not news to anyone, but more like reality settling in for me...we're gonna have a baby. a very large healthy baby boy. sometime next month!!!
a couple of weekends ago, a group of friends and family helped make this seemingly distant event become very, very real to me with each word of encouragement i received as well as with each baby blue item i unwrapped.
this is actually happening. and it's time to celebrate...
i'm so thankful for everyone who has sent me such kind words of encouragement and sent up prayers on our behalf for baby evan and my pregnancy. we are blessed by you.
a couple of weekends ago, a group of friends and family helped make this seemingly distant event become very, very real to me with each word of encouragement i received as well as with each baby blue item i unwrapped.
this is actually happening. and it's time to celebrate...
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| the spread... |
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| the amazing cake...it matches evan's nursery! |
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| the gift centerpiece |
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| the onesie says "I roll with Jesus" with a stroller on it! |
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| hand-painted by my friend cathy! |
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| group shot...unfortunately taken after a few ladies had already left. |
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| family! |
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| me at 32 weeks (evan is measuring 3 weeks ahead!) |
i'm so thankful for everyone who has sent me such kind words of encouragement and sent up prayers on our behalf for baby evan and my pregnancy. we are blessed by you.
11.07.2010
finally...
...it's here!
after weeks of editing drawings and measurements, we are so pleased with the final product. "gulf coast monuments" in fort walton beach did a fantastic job.
the top part says "our gift from God" because that is what jonathan's name means. hence, the scripture at the bottom which reads "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17
the picture we chose completely represents where we believe jonathan is now...in the arms of Jesus. i can't even explain it in words, but the feeling i felt when jonathan died in my arms and the moments that followed...i know with absolute certainty that there was a holy presence in our hospital room that night. i've never felt it so strongly before in my life and i haven't felt it as strongly since. God was with us.
and so, just over a year after jonathan's birth and death, the headstone also represents to us the final thing that needed to be done for our son, almost like a large granite bookend to the past year. there's not much left for us to do now; maybe occasionally wipe off any dirt left from a rainstorm, or pull any weeds around his plot, and bring him seasonal flowers and other items. sadly, this kind of maintenance takes the place of us caring for him like we would if he were here with us. how i'd love to give him a bath, or have the opportunity to change a dirty diaper, or clean off his muddy hands or face after he had played in the dirt. instead, we get to parent a headstone.
wow, the perspective i've gained from all of this.
after weeks of editing drawings and measurements, we are so pleased with the final product. "gulf coast monuments" in fort walton beach did a fantastic job.
the top part says "our gift from God" because that is what jonathan's name means. hence, the scripture at the bottom which reads "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17
the picture we chose completely represents where we believe jonathan is now...in the arms of Jesus. i can't even explain it in words, but the feeling i felt when jonathan died in my arms and the moments that followed...i know with absolute certainty that there was a holy presence in our hospital room that night. i've never felt it so strongly before in my life and i haven't felt it as strongly since. God was with us.
and so, just over a year after jonathan's birth and death, the headstone also represents to us the final thing that needed to be done for our son, almost like a large granite bookend to the past year. there's not much left for us to do now; maybe occasionally wipe off any dirt left from a rainstorm, or pull any weeds around his plot, and bring him seasonal flowers and other items. sadly, this kind of maintenance takes the place of us caring for him like we would if he were here with us. how i'd love to give him a bath, or have the opportunity to change a dirty diaper, or clean off his muddy hands or face after he had played in the dirt. instead, we get to parent a headstone.
wow, the perspective i've gained from all of this.
11.02.2010
another goodbye
this time, i am saying goodbye to my paternal grandmother, "mimi", who passed away yesterday just shy of 90 years of age. and even though she was almost 90, it was still somewhat of a shock that she passed away so suddenly, as she seemed to be in decent health most of the time. her passing makes it the third loss in my family in just a year and a half.
but i know that the Lord ordaines our days and knows when they begin and when they end.
and i am thankful that i got to grow up with a grandmother who lived nearby and loved having all of the grandchildren over to her house. i have such great memories of spending time with all of my grandparents from as far back as i can remember.
i'm thankful that my children will have the same opportunity to spend lots of time with their grandparents as they too all live nearby.
i'm also touched that jonathan shares a birthday (october 8th) with my maternal grandmother, "nana", who passed away a few months before he did. my mimi's birthday is on december 9th, a couple of weeks before evan's due date. it sure would be interesting if evan were born on that day...i guess we will see.
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| Mimi with Kate, a couple of years ago |
and i am thankful that i got to grow up with a grandmother who lived nearby and loved having all of the grandchildren over to her house. i have such great memories of spending time with all of my grandparents from as far back as i can remember.
i'm thankful that my children will have the same opportunity to spend lots of time with their grandparents as they too all live nearby.
i'm also touched that jonathan shares a birthday (october 8th) with my maternal grandmother, "nana", who passed away a few months before he did. my mimi's birthday is on december 9th, a couple of weeks before evan's due date. it sure would be interesting if evan were born on that day...i guess we will see.
10.30.2010
baby ailah update
baby ailah (see blog post below) was born yesterday and is doing very well! she is now 29 hours old. she is 4 pounds, 2 ounces and taking bottles on her own. what a little miracle! please continue to pray for this precious baby and her family.
thanks so much!
thanks so much!
10.25.2010
baby ailah
one of the many blessings that has come from jonathan's life is that i get to "meet" wonderful people, either in person or online, who happen share the common bond of a fatal prenatal diagnosis or the loss of a baby.
my new friend darlene is expecting her first baby, a girl named ailah (pronounced "eye-lah") who has been prenatally diagnosed with trisomy 18. darlene and i exchanged emails before meeting at our recent run for new life 5K. there, we got to spend some time sharing about our babies and encouraging one another. ailah has a very special mommy.
ailah is scheduled to be born in just a few days.
please pray that all goes well with ailah's delivery and that the family gets to spend some precious moments with their new baby girl. so far, ailah seems to be doing wonderfully, in spite of her diagnosis. please pray for abundant peace and comfort for this family in advance of what they are likely to experience, whether it be minutes or several days, after the birth of their daughter.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~Psalm 23:4
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:18-31
"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" ~Nahum 1:7
i will post an update on baby ailah as soon as i get word. thank you for praying.
my new friend darlene is expecting her first baby, a girl named ailah (pronounced "eye-lah") who has been prenatally diagnosed with trisomy 18. darlene and i exchanged emails before meeting at our recent run for new life 5K. there, we got to spend some time sharing about our babies and encouraging one another. ailah has a very special mommy.
ailah is scheduled to be born in just a few days.
please pray that all goes well with ailah's delivery and that the family gets to spend some precious moments with their new baby girl. so far, ailah seems to be doing wonderfully, in spite of her diagnosis. please pray for abundant peace and comfort for this family in advance of what they are likely to experience, whether it be minutes or several days, after the birth of their daughter.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~Psalm 23:4
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:18-31
"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" ~Nahum 1:7
i will post an update on baby ailah as soon as i get word. thank you for praying.
10.21.2010
jonathan's celebration
jonathan's first birthday has come and gone, but not without quite a bit of anticipation of this huge milestone in our lives. once it passed, i actually felt relief.
leading up to jonathan's birthday, i spent a lot of time thinking about october 8, 2009. i also initially put pressure on myself all week to put those thoughts into words and post it here as part of his "baby journal", but to be honest i really didn't know where to begin. usually to celebrate your baby's first year, you might post photos documenting the important milestones your baby reached throughout the year. or pictures of your baby digging into his first birthday cake. but i don't have any new pictures. i don't have anything new to share about what he's been up to, what he looks like now, or anything like that. celebrating your baby's first birthday when he died on the day he was born....i wasn't quite sure how to appropriately mark this occasion.
i also wanted to find "the perfect" scripture to post on his birthday blog but was having trouble finding exactly what i thought was the "right one." so i decided to let the pressure go with posting a blog and to just celebrate the occasion the way that felt most natural to us, and that included spending time with the people who were there when jonathan was born and supported us through the past year.
the night before jonathan's birthday, i picked up my bible to read that day's scripture. i've been reading consecutively through the Psalms every night before bed, and interestingly enough, that night the one i read was Psalm 40. the number 40 has meant such a great deal to me since jonathan's death because i believe it has biblical meaning: each time the number 40 is used in the bible, it marks a period of trial followed by a period of rest and restoration. it also happens to be the number of minutes jonathan lived after birth. coincidence? i personally don't believe in coincidence.
the first part of Psalm 40 reads:
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
~Psalm 40:1-5
Psalm 40 perfectly describes our last year without jonathan. how amazing (and timely) is that??
*****
we celebrated the jonathan's birthday by meeting at jonathan's gravesite with a small group of some of our closest friends and family that evening. our worship pastor lead a devotion and prayer time based on Psalm 111 and we gave all the kids balloons to release up to heaven.
we then went out to a local mexican restaurant - the same one we ate at after jonathan's funeral - and fellowshiped over chips and salsa (and fajitas for evan.)
later, our families met at greg's parent's house and had cupcakes for dessert.
it was such a nice time without any tears. we still just feel so blessed to have experienced jonathan's life, even for such a short time, and i'm so glad we celebrated it the way that we did.
leading up to jonathan's birthday, i spent a lot of time thinking about october 8, 2009. i also initially put pressure on myself all week to put those thoughts into words and post it here as part of his "baby journal", but to be honest i really didn't know where to begin. usually to celebrate your baby's first year, you might post photos documenting the important milestones your baby reached throughout the year. or pictures of your baby digging into his first birthday cake. but i don't have any new pictures. i don't have anything new to share about what he's been up to, what he looks like now, or anything like that. celebrating your baby's first birthday when he died on the day he was born....i wasn't quite sure how to appropriately mark this occasion.
i also wanted to find "the perfect" scripture to post on his birthday blog but was having trouble finding exactly what i thought was the "right one." so i decided to let the pressure go with posting a blog and to just celebrate the occasion the way that felt most natural to us, and that included spending time with the people who were there when jonathan was born and supported us through the past year.
the night before jonathan's birthday, i picked up my bible to read that day's scripture. i've been reading consecutively through the Psalms every night before bed, and interestingly enough, that night the one i read was Psalm 40. the number 40 has meant such a great deal to me since jonathan's death because i believe it has biblical meaning: each time the number 40 is used in the bible, it marks a period of trial followed by a period of rest and restoration. it also happens to be the number of minutes jonathan lived after birth. coincidence? i personally don't believe in coincidence.
the first part of Psalm 40 reads:
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
~Psalm 40:1-5
Psalm 40 perfectly describes our last year without jonathan. how amazing (and timely) is that??
*****
we celebrated the jonathan's birthday by meeting at jonathan's gravesite with a small group of some of our closest friends and family that evening. our worship pastor lead a devotion and prayer time based on Psalm 111 and we gave all the kids balloons to release up to heaven.
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| Jonathan's marker...still no headstone on his birthday. |
we then went out to a local mexican restaurant - the same one we ate at after jonathan's funeral - and fellowshiped over chips and salsa (and fajitas for evan.)
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| Some of my closest girlfriends |
it was such a nice time without any tears. we still just feel so blessed to have experienced jonathan's life, even for such a short time, and i'm so glad we celebrated it the way that we did.
10.19.2010
a divine puzzle
check out this recent blog post about the details coming together for the "run for new life 5K" written by my friend (and OB) jennifer esses. a divine puzzle, indeed!
10.08.2010
happy birthday
happy birthday to our sweet jonathan today. we know he is having a grand celebration in heaven today and keeping those angels on their toes, i'm sure. we plan to send a few balloons up to the party later this evening.
in the meantime, we'll be remembering what a privilege it is to be his parents and an absolute blessing he continues to be in our lives.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17
in the meantime, we'll be remembering what a privilege it is to be his parents and an absolute blessing he continues to be in our lives.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." ~James 1:17
10.04.2010
a huge success
this past saturday was the day our dreams, prayers, and planning of the first annual run for new life 5k came to fruition. and....it was a huge success! we had a turn out of over 170 runners, which doesn't include the many volunteers and spectators that also came out to support us. it was a beautiful day and everything just fell into place, allowing for a very enjoyable time to be had by all. we had this race covered in prayers and the Lord was so gracious to answer them.
the icing on top of the cake was definitely national christian artist heather williams' performance. she has an amazing voice and amazing testimony that i'm sure touched many in the audience.
words cannot express our appreciation to everyone to came out and participated in this meaningful event. thank you!!
below are some pictures from the event, or you can see all of the pictures here on our Facebook group page (you must have a Facebook account to access it.)
the icing on top of the cake was definitely national christian artist heather williams' performance. she has an amazing voice and amazing testimony that i'm sure touched many in the audience.
words cannot express our appreciation to everyone to came out and participated in this meaningful event. thank you!!
below are some pictures from the event, or you can see all of the pictures here on our Facebook group page (you must have a Facebook account to access it.)
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| the organizers |
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| packet pickup |
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| me and my sweet momma who helped out |
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| with the amazing Heather Williams |
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| some of our wonderful volunteers |
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| and they're off! |
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| Heather Williams performing |
9.29.2010
baby evan update
yesterday, greg and i breathed a big sigh of relief after our appointment with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart. not that we had too much to worry about since our baby boy has already pretty much been declared "healthy" a couple of times previously. however, at this appointment, evan would be big enough to really study his anatomy for more detail. for me, anytime we visit the specialist, i just can't help but think back to jonathan and those bittersweet appointments. while it was always wonderful to see him up on the big screen moving, sucking his thumb, and hiccupping...acting like a normal baby...it was also heartbreaking to see all of his problems and to be reminded that he basically had no chance of survival after birth. those difficult memories come sneaking around when it's time to make the trip to the specialist. even though dr. thorp and his staff are always so wonderful and kind to us, it's never a completely enjoyable event. and now there's always the "what-if" factor with evan. so, until this baby is safe in my arms, breathing on his own, nursing like a champ, and making huge messes in his diaper will i finally relax. (well, as much as you can relax with a newborn and a busy toddler in the house!)
we arrived at the appointment a little nervous and armed with a huge list of questions to ask about evan and about the pregnancy. most of those questions were based on the abnormalities either jonathan or i experienced the last time. basically, i just needed to be told that every detail of this pregnancy was normal and that evan had no issues that would make me wonder otherwise. we had prayed for good news at this appointment for months. so as we watched the ultrasound screen with big smiles and made compliments of our son that only adoring parents would make ("look at those cute chubby cheeks!"), our anxiety melted away and each question was answered to our satisfaction and reassurance.
so here's the latest with evan: he weighs approximately 2.5 pounds (61st percentile) and has long arms and legs. he has the most adorable profile and chubby cheeks (if i do say so myself!) the ultrasound tech even pointed to hair sticking up off of his scalp! he is already in the head-down position, which i had figured since i have been feeling baby feet up near my ribs lately. he smacked his lips and sucked his thumb during the ultrasound, too. he is also "still a boy"...i had them check again since a friend of mine just delivered a girl after being told for months it was a boy! in summary, evan is - as the specialist called him - beautiful and perfect. ahhhhh. that's the sound of weight lifting off of our shoulders! we are so thankful for this news!
as far as my health is concerned, everything looks good that affects the baby. my weight gain and blood pressure is perfect. the only minor glitch is that i have a cyst on my thyroid, but so far it has not affected the baby. there is really nothing that can be done for it until after delivery. the cyst is probably pregnancy-related (i have been pregnant 3 of the last 4 years...hmmm) and will hopefully disappear on it's own in the next few months. it's been mostly an irrelevant issue for me.
emotionally, i feel like i have finally gotten to a point where i have mentally separated my boys' pregnancies. especially after today. over the past couple of months, i have been able to bond with evan as evan and not compare him constantly to jonathan. the only time i still compare is at doctors' visits. i don't stress anymore over not feeling him move after a couple of hours, and i don't stress over the fact that i have yet to hear evan's heartbeat with my home doppler. i've begun to make preparations mentally and practically speaking that we will be bringing this baby home. even kate is getting excited over her baby brother that will be arriving sometime around christmas.
so here's evan's growth progress over the past month or so and a sweet profile pic of his face...
we arrived at the appointment a little nervous and armed with a huge list of questions to ask about evan and about the pregnancy. most of those questions were based on the abnormalities either jonathan or i experienced the last time. basically, i just needed to be told that every detail of this pregnancy was normal and that evan had no issues that would make me wonder otherwise. we had prayed for good news at this appointment for months. so as we watched the ultrasound screen with big smiles and made compliments of our son that only adoring parents would make ("look at those cute chubby cheeks!"), our anxiety melted away and each question was answered to our satisfaction and reassurance.
so here's the latest with evan: he weighs approximately 2.5 pounds (61st percentile) and has long arms and legs. he has the most adorable profile and chubby cheeks (if i do say so myself!) the ultrasound tech even pointed to hair sticking up off of his scalp! he is already in the head-down position, which i had figured since i have been feeling baby feet up near my ribs lately. he smacked his lips and sucked his thumb during the ultrasound, too. he is also "still a boy"...i had them check again since a friend of mine just delivered a girl after being told for months it was a boy! in summary, evan is - as the specialist called him - beautiful and perfect. ahhhhh. that's the sound of weight lifting off of our shoulders! we are so thankful for this news!
as far as my health is concerned, everything looks good that affects the baby. my weight gain and blood pressure is perfect. the only minor glitch is that i have a cyst on my thyroid, but so far it has not affected the baby. there is really nothing that can be done for it until after delivery. the cyst is probably pregnancy-related (i have been pregnant 3 of the last 4 years...hmmm) and will hopefully disappear on it's own in the next few months. it's been mostly an irrelevant issue for me.
emotionally, i feel like i have finally gotten to a point where i have mentally separated my boys' pregnancies. especially after today. over the past couple of months, i have been able to bond with evan as evan and not compare him constantly to jonathan. the only time i still compare is at doctors' visits. i don't stress anymore over not feeling him move after a couple of hours, and i don't stress over the fact that i have yet to hear evan's heartbeat with my home doppler. i've begun to make preparations mentally and practically speaking that we will be bringing this baby home. even kate is getting excited over her baby brother that will be arriving sometime around christmas.
so here's evan's growth progress over the past month or so and a sweet profile pic of his face...
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| 21 weeks |
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| 22 weeks |
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| 23 weeks...Greg says I look like Barney the Dinosaur here! :) |
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| 24 weeks |
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| 26 weeks |
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| 26 weeks and 4 days old...isn't he adorable??? :) |
9.16.2010
just when we thought it was already big...
....God is bigger!!
BIG news! we just learned that national Christian recording artist heather williams is coming to our "run for new life 5K"!
we had no idea that our "little" memorial run would reach such amazing proportions. as of right now, we have over 200 people signed up and now heather williams is coming to share her testimony of how she got through the loss of her baby boy, as well as sing two or three songs.
the way everything just fell into place for this to happen...well, it's obvious that God's hands are all over the details.
if you don't know who heather williams is (she's relatively new to the Christian music scene), then check out her short youtube video:
if you want more of her amazing story, check out this video (be warned~ you will need tissues):
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:20-21
BIG news! we just learned that national Christian recording artist heather williams is coming to our "run for new life 5K"!
we had no idea that our "little" memorial run would reach such amazing proportions. as of right now, we have over 200 people signed up and now heather williams is coming to share her testimony of how she got through the loss of her baby boy, as well as sing two or three songs.
the way everything just fell into place for this to happen...well, it's obvious that God's hands are all over the details.
if you don't know who heather williams is (she's relatively new to the Christian music scene), then check out her short youtube video:
if you want more of her amazing story, check out this video (be warned~ you will need tissues):
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:20-21
9.13.2010
"woven together" blanket
this is the last blanket i will probably make for my "woven together" project for 2010, now that i am focusing on sewing evan's nursery bedding and accessories. as you may remember, under "woven together", i make preemie-sized blankets for babies who have been prenatally diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition.
here's a quick peek at what the blankets look like:
and what the tag looks like:
this project is still in the beginning stages since my focus has been a bit interrupted with a new pregnancy of my own. i plan to pick it back up in the early spring.
if by chance you are interested in following the progress on evan's nursery, hop on over to my sewing blog...
here's a quick peek at what the blankets look like:
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| The monogrammed side is minky and the other side is flannel. |
and what the tag looks like:
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if by chance you are interested in following the progress on evan's nursery, hop on over to my sewing blog...
9.09.2010
11 months
today (the 8th) marks jonathan's 11 months in heaven. i must say that as his first birthday draws near, i have felt more emotional about him than i have in months.
once september arrived, the weather here cooled off noticibly. the sky is bluer and not as hazy with humidity. the days aren't as long anymore. and the butterflies are starting to show up.
i remember in the days immediately after jonathan died, i would spend lots of time just staring out into my backyard, which basically backs up to miles of woods. the sky was clear blue, the trees were still green and beautiful, and there were white and yellow butterflies everywhere. and i remember how broken my heart was.
almost a year later, my heart is not as broken. of course, it will always be broken because jonathan isn't here, but mostly i mean it is not as painful as it was for those first few months. the promise of the Lord to heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) is one of the many promises i've clung to over the past year or so as we've walked through this trial. i know i'm not totally healed yet, but i believe i will be one day.
seeing all the butterflies the past couple of weeks brings back a flood of emotional memories. but it also reminds me just how far i have come in the healing process after losing a baby. i could not have done it on my own; it has only been by the Lord's provision of grace and strength (and so much more!) that i am at a place where i see so much blessing in my life rather than devastation.
and sometimes, the tears fall not because of what i don't have, but because of what i do have, especially now.
once september arrived, the weather here cooled off noticibly. the sky is bluer and not as hazy with humidity. the days aren't as long anymore. and the butterflies are starting to show up.
i remember in the days immediately after jonathan died, i would spend lots of time just staring out into my backyard, which basically backs up to miles of woods. the sky was clear blue, the trees were still green and beautiful, and there were white and yellow butterflies everywhere. and i remember how broken my heart was.
almost a year later, my heart is not as broken. of course, it will always be broken because jonathan isn't here, but mostly i mean it is not as painful as it was for those first few months. the promise of the Lord to heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) is one of the many promises i've clung to over the past year or so as we've walked through this trial. i know i'm not totally healed yet, but i believe i will be one day.
seeing all the butterflies the past couple of weeks brings back a flood of emotional memories. but it also reminds me just how far i have come in the healing process after losing a baby. i could not have done it on my own; it has only been by the Lord's provision of grace and strength (and so much more!) that i am at a place where i see so much blessing in my life rather than devastation.
and sometimes, the tears fall not because of what i don't have, but because of what i do have, especially now.
8.23.2010
"God is gracious"
it's been the resounding theme of our last year or so: God is gracious.
from providing for us the daily grace and strength we needed in the beginning to get through every minute of the day, to His orchestration of every amazing detail of jonathan's life and our journey with him...God is gracious.
from meeting us at our deepest place of need, to exceedingly, abundantly blessing us with more joy and hope than we in our sorrow could ever have imagined...God is gracious.
through the tangible as well as the emotional and spiritual expressions of our family, friends, and church family, He provided indescribable love and comfort to us...God is gracious.
as jonathan died and we walked through the darkest hours of our lives, somehow there was still so much light...God is gracious.
in our daily struggles and sometimes failures to fully trust and submit to the Lord's plan for us, God gently drew us back to Him through His word and through His undeniable pursuit of us...God is gracious.
through the gift of pregnancy of our newest precious son, whose strong kicks and jabs bring me such joy and thankfulness throughout each day...God is gracious.
through God's provision of a special scripture (Isaiah 43:18-19), to reassure me when in my weakness i begin to feel anxious or fearful...God is gracious.
and that only begins to touch upon the many instances where God has shown us amazing grace in this journey.
therefore, it only seems fitting that we have decided to name our son "Evan", whose name means "God is gracious."
(we're still working on the middle name...)
"He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD is gracious and full of compassion." ~Psalm 111:4
from providing for us the daily grace and strength we needed in the beginning to get through every minute of the day, to His orchestration of every amazing detail of jonathan's life and our journey with him...God is gracious.
from meeting us at our deepest place of need, to exceedingly, abundantly blessing us with more joy and hope than we in our sorrow could ever have imagined...God is gracious.
through the tangible as well as the emotional and spiritual expressions of our family, friends, and church family, He provided indescribable love and comfort to us...God is gracious.
as jonathan died and we walked through the darkest hours of our lives, somehow there was still so much light...God is gracious.
in our daily struggles and sometimes failures to fully trust and submit to the Lord's plan for us, God gently drew us back to Him through His word and through His undeniable pursuit of us...God is gracious.
through the gift of pregnancy of our newest precious son, whose strong kicks and jabs bring me such joy and thankfulness throughout each day...God is gracious.
through God's provision of a special scripture (Isaiah 43:18-19), to reassure me when in my weakness i begin to feel anxious or fearful...God is gracious.
and that only begins to touch upon the many instances where God has shown us amazing grace in this journey.
therefore, it only seems fitting that we have decided to name our son "Evan", whose name means "God is gracious."
(we're still working on the middle name...)
"He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD is gracious and full of compassion." ~Psalm 111:4
8.14.2010
20 weeks
we're half-way there to meeting our new baby boy!
...and i'm doing things i never got to do with jonathan. for example, i'm thinking about what we'll actually need for this baby~ clothes to wear, a nursery to sleep in, toys to play with, and on and on.
as you might remember, i only shopped for the absolute necessities for jonathan: a blanket or two to wrap him in and an outfit to bury him in.
as the weeks go on and baby's kicks get stronger, i have been able to let myself daydream about the fun stuff and actually buy one or two things for him. in fact, i just ordered the fabric i'm going to use to sew his crib bedding, window valances, and pillows.
but because of where i've been, the fun stuff doesn't outweigh what's really important: baby boy is healthy and growing wonderfully. no material item can even come close.
...and i'm doing things i never got to do with jonathan. for example, i'm thinking about what we'll actually need for this baby~ clothes to wear, a nursery to sleep in, toys to play with, and on and on.
as you might remember, i only shopped for the absolute necessities for jonathan: a blanket or two to wrap him in and an outfit to bury him in.
as the weeks go on and baby's kicks get stronger, i have been able to let myself daydream about the fun stuff and actually buy one or two things for him. in fact, i just ordered the fabric i'm going to use to sew his crib bedding, window valances, and pillows.
but because of where i've been, the fun stuff doesn't outweigh what's really important: baby boy is healthy and growing wonderfully. no material item can even come close.
8.13.2010
run for new life 5K
after several meetings, emails, phone calls, and many, many other arrangements, the first annual "run for new life 5K" is coming together nicely!
and....it's going to be much bigger than expected! the response has been amazing from the beginning.
i've gotten several messages about how you can participate, either by volunteering, running, or walking.
here are the details:
the race will take place on october 2, 2010 at 8 am at rocky bayou baptist church, niceville, florida. the course starts at the church and continues through the beautiful swift creek neighborhood, takes you past heritage gardens cemetery, and back to the church.
a registration fee of $15 covers your race number, t-shirt, and your chance to win door prizes. our intention is to use any extra funds to support a relevant non-profit ministry. the t-shirt will be a keepsake, with a place for you to write in the name of the person you are running in memory of.
the oak tree symbolizes strength, the acorn symbolizes new life, and the picture of the leaf is the same picture placed on hospital doors during the birth and death of a baby. it lets hospital staff be aware of the situation going on behind the door. we had it placed on our door when we arrived at the hospital to deliver jonathan.
our race verse is Romans 6:4: "...just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
since it's our first go at this, we are just doing registration via facebook. here is the link to our event page.
if you don't have a facebook account and would like to participate, or if you have questions, please contact me via email.
packet pick-up will take place on friday, october 1, from 6-8 pm at rocky bayou baptist church.
we are looking forward to it and we hope to see you there!
and....it's going to be much bigger than expected! the response has been amazing from the beginning.
i've gotten several messages about how you can participate, either by volunteering, running, or walking.
here are the details:
the race will take place on october 2, 2010 at 8 am at rocky bayou baptist church, niceville, florida. the course starts at the church and continues through the beautiful swift creek neighborhood, takes you past heritage gardens cemetery, and back to the church.
a registration fee of $15 covers your race number, t-shirt, and your chance to win door prizes. our intention is to use any extra funds to support a relevant non-profit ministry. the t-shirt will be a keepsake, with a place for you to write in the name of the person you are running in memory of.
our race verse is Romans 6:4: "...just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
since it's our first go at this, we are just doing registration via facebook. here is the link to our event page.
if you don't have a facebook account and would like to participate, or if you have questions, please contact me via email.
packet pick-up will take place on friday, october 1, from 6-8 pm at rocky bayou baptist church.
we are looking forward to it and we hope to see you there!
8.08.2010
10 months of heaven
happy 10 months of heaven to our sweet jonathan today.
this description of heaven found in Isaiah 65 encourages me greatly...i hope it does the same for you too.
New Heavens and a New Earth
17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.
20 "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.
21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.
23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
Amen.
this description of heaven found in Isaiah 65 encourages me greatly...i hope it does the same for you too.
New Heavens and a New Earth
17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.
20 "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.
21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.
23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
Amen.
8.03.2010
the crossroad
being pregnant so soon after losing jonathan has been a blessing as well as a challenge. i think the blessing part is obvious, and i'll be honest: in our case, being pregnant has been healing for us in many ways. of course, the new baby will never "replace" jonathan. but we are excited about adding to our family again, and already love this new baby so much.
however, the challenge has been to separate this pregnancy from jonathan's. with jonathan still so fresh in my memory, this new pregnancy inevitably gets compared at every milestone. at every appointment i anxiously await the exam results: is the heart beating? is the heart rate normal? are the measurements normal? am i normal?
since the trisomy 13 gene is not hereditary for us, there is no reason for us to think that this pregnancy would be anything but normal. however, having had such a devastating experience as we did, as much as we try not to "remember the former things", sometimes we just do. our scars are still fresh.
there is also the challenge of "moving forward" without feeling like we're leaving behind jonathan. time just marches on relentlessly, and we get further and further from that day we last saw him and held him. and yet simultaneously, the intensity of the grief is (thankfully) less and less as time goes on. this concept of time is very paradoxical. i despise it and appreciate it all at the same time. and so even though there is nothing i can do about how quickly time passes, i do feel guilty for wanting to move forward. for wanting to enjoy this new pregnancy. for wanting it to be separate.
for the first 15 and a half weeks of this new pregnancy, our journey was still tightly knit to jonathan's journey. and then finally, we came to a crossroad: our first big ultrasound with my OB.
and.....
our baby BOY is healthy and growing perfectly!
our prayers have been answered and the Lord has restored our loss, double! (1. healthy baby, and 2. BOY!)
and while jonathan's journey will continue on the path purposefully mapped out by the Lord Himself, greg and i took our first steps onto a new road filled with great hope and expectation.
*****
and of course our visit was not complete without God showing up in a big way. i was telling my OB about feeling like greg and i were finally able to begin walking the new road that has been graciously laid out before us.
she asked me if i had done my bible study homework for that day. (i've been meeting with a small bible study group led by my OB since june 22, which also happens to be a year to the day we found out something was wrong with jonathan. we've been studying the book of Ruth.)
sheepishly, i admitted that i hadn't yet...i had been so consumed with praying for good news at this appointment the past couple of days.
she explained that our study and homework for that very day was about ruth changing out of her mourning clothes and putting on new clothes. it was symbolic of moving past her loss and trusting God's plans for her new life.
i was amazed at the timing of this message! but not as amazed as i was once i finally did my homework for the day.
here is what it said:
"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Though we can't be certain what Ruth had on, we know her new dress signaled a change, a readiness, an availability to Boaz and to God for the possibility of something new.
Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever." ~ Kelly Minter, Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy
and then, there it was, AGAIN. i could hardly believe it. at the end of that day's homework, we were asked to read Isaiah 43:18-19. you know what it is by now:
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
and for the THIRD time in just a few weeks, God had my attention. (apparently He knows i might not get it after just one time so He is gracious enough to keep after me!)
i can barely contain my complete and total appreciation, thankfulness, joy, etc., etc. i have that God would be so kind to me to give me that message (again) on such an important day.
"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see." ~Psalm 118:23
"How amazing are the deeds of the LORD!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our LORD!" ~Psalm 111:2-4
however, the challenge has been to separate this pregnancy from jonathan's. with jonathan still so fresh in my memory, this new pregnancy inevitably gets compared at every milestone. at every appointment i anxiously await the exam results: is the heart beating? is the heart rate normal? are the measurements normal? am i normal?
since the trisomy 13 gene is not hereditary for us, there is no reason for us to think that this pregnancy would be anything but normal. however, having had such a devastating experience as we did, as much as we try not to "remember the former things", sometimes we just do. our scars are still fresh.
there is also the challenge of "moving forward" without feeling like we're leaving behind jonathan. time just marches on relentlessly, and we get further and further from that day we last saw him and held him. and yet simultaneously, the intensity of the grief is (thankfully) less and less as time goes on. this concept of time is very paradoxical. i despise it and appreciate it all at the same time. and so even though there is nothing i can do about how quickly time passes, i do feel guilty for wanting to move forward. for wanting to enjoy this new pregnancy. for wanting it to be separate.
for the first 15 and a half weeks of this new pregnancy, our journey was still tightly knit to jonathan's journey. and then finally, we came to a crossroad: our first big ultrasound with my OB.
and.....
our baby BOY is healthy and growing perfectly!
our prayers have been answered and the Lord has restored our loss, double! (1. healthy baby, and 2. BOY!)
and while jonathan's journey will continue on the path purposefully mapped out by the Lord Himself, greg and i took our first steps onto a new road filled with great hope and expectation.
*****
and of course our visit was not complete without God showing up in a big way. i was telling my OB about feeling like greg and i were finally able to begin walking the new road that has been graciously laid out before us.
she asked me if i had done my bible study homework for that day. (i've been meeting with a small bible study group led by my OB since june 22, which also happens to be a year to the day we found out something was wrong with jonathan. we've been studying the book of Ruth.)
sheepishly, i admitted that i hadn't yet...i had been so consumed with praying for good news at this appointment the past couple of days.
she explained that our study and homework for that very day was about ruth changing out of her mourning clothes and putting on new clothes. it was symbolic of moving past her loss and trusting God's plans for her new life.
i was amazed at the timing of this message! but not as amazed as i was once i finally did my homework for the day.
here is what it said:
"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Though we can't be certain what Ruth had on, we know her new dress signaled a change, a readiness, an availability to Boaz and to God for the possibility of something new.
Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever." ~ Kelly Minter, Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy
and then, there it was, AGAIN. i could hardly believe it. at the end of that day's homework, we were asked to read Isaiah 43:18-19. you know what it is by now:
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
and for the THIRD time in just a few weeks, God had my attention. (apparently He knows i might not get it after just one time so He is gracious enough to keep after me!)
i can barely contain my complete and total appreciation, thankfulness, joy, etc., etc. i have that God would be so kind to me to give me that message (again) on such an important day.
"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see." ~Psalm 118:23
"How amazing are the deeds of the LORD!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our LORD!" ~Psalm 111:2-4
7.20.2010
working on the *completely*
first of all, thank you so much for all the comments on my last post! we are so touched by them all. thank you for your encouragement and support.
i am also so happy that our "secret" is out. 16 weeks of keeping such a big secret is quite hard. the funniest response i've since heard from a friend was: "i hadn't heard you were pregnant, but i figured you would have taken care of a belly bump like that!" that's right, baby number three means showing a lot sooner. especially after just having a baby a few months ago. i was down to my last few shirts that weren't maternity but still disguised the bump pretty well. i'm very happy to be able to let everything just hang out now. maternity clothes, here i come.
*****
so obviously, while i'm finished writing in "parts", the story does not end there.
two days after i learned i was pregnant, i attended the beth moore simulcast "so long insecurity" with some of my close friends, including my OB. the only other person (besides greg of course) who knew i was pregnant at this point was her. i had already let her know that i no longer needed that progesterone test and i also shared with her about the amazing scripture that was on my mind that morning (Isaiah 43:18-19.)
anyway, "so long insecurity" was fabulous. while a lot of it was about combatting physical, emotional, and spiritual insecurity with God's Word, i knew in my heart what the message was for me: dealing with my insecurity about my relationship with God; being *completely* sold out that He is trustworthy and His Word is *completely* true. completely sold out means giving Him the reigns over every area of my life...including the lives of my children and trusting Him whether He chooses to give or take away. had He asked my permission a year ago to let Him give my son a terrible chromosome disorder, then ask us to carry him to term with all the potential complications, and then take him from us shortly after he was born, but all the while saying it was for the best and that He would provide for us everything we need to get through it....well i just don't know if i would have chosen that road. who would have?? but now, having been brought so far in my relationship with Him, especially after everything He promised came to fruition, you would think trusting Him *completely* would not be such an issue anymore.
alas, i am human. what can i say? i'm not proud of my issues. it's hard for me to admit to them. but i am working on them and God has been so sweet to me through it all.
sweet enough, that half-way through beth moore's teaching that day, she actually quoted the same exact scripture...Isaiah 43:18-19: "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
OK, God, you have my attention. it did not escape the attention of my OB either, as she reached over and touched my hand right as it was being spoken. it was like a confirmation that indeed, He is up to something new. and perhaps this verse is for me to cling to through it all....so long as i *completely* trust what He says.
i am also so happy that our "secret" is out. 16 weeks of keeping such a big secret is quite hard. the funniest response i've since heard from a friend was: "i hadn't heard you were pregnant, but i figured you would have taken care of a belly bump like that!" that's right, baby number three means showing a lot sooner. especially after just having a baby a few months ago. i was down to my last few shirts that weren't maternity but still disguised the bump pretty well. i'm very happy to be able to let everything just hang out now. maternity clothes, here i come.
*****
so obviously, while i'm finished writing in "parts", the story does not end there.
two days after i learned i was pregnant, i attended the beth moore simulcast "so long insecurity" with some of my close friends, including my OB. the only other person (besides greg of course) who knew i was pregnant at this point was her. i had already let her know that i no longer needed that progesterone test and i also shared with her about the amazing scripture that was on my mind that morning (Isaiah 43:18-19.)
anyway, "so long insecurity" was fabulous. while a lot of it was about combatting physical, emotional, and spiritual insecurity with God's Word, i knew in my heart what the message was for me: dealing with my insecurity about my relationship with God; being *completely* sold out that He is trustworthy and His Word is *completely* true. completely sold out means giving Him the reigns over every area of my life...including the lives of my children and trusting Him whether He chooses to give or take away. had He asked my permission a year ago to let Him give my son a terrible chromosome disorder, then ask us to carry him to term with all the potential complications, and then take him from us shortly after he was born, but all the while saying it was for the best and that He would provide for us everything we need to get through it....well i just don't know if i would have chosen that road. who would have?? but now, having been brought so far in my relationship with Him, especially after everything He promised came to fruition, you would think trusting Him *completely* would not be such an issue anymore.
alas, i am human. what can i say? i'm not proud of my issues. it's hard for me to admit to them. but i am working on them and God has been so sweet to me through it all.
sweet enough, that half-way through beth moore's teaching that day, she actually quoted the same exact scripture...Isaiah 43:18-19: "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
OK, God, you have my attention. it did not escape the attention of my OB either, as she reached over and touched my hand right as it was being spoken. it was like a confirmation that indeed, He is up to something new. and perhaps this verse is for me to cling to through it all....so long as i *completely* trust what He says.
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