it's been the resounding theme of our last year or so: God is gracious.
from providing for us the daily grace and strength we needed in the beginning to get through every minute of the day, to His orchestration of every amazing detail of jonathan's life and our journey with him...God is gracious.
from meeting us at our deepest place of need, to exceedingly, abundantly blessing us with more joy and hope than we in our sorrow could ever have imagined...God is gracious.
through the tangible as well as the emotional and spiritual expressions of our family, friends, and church family, He provided indescribable love and comfort to us...God is gracious.
as jonathan died and we walked through the darkest hours of our lives, somehow there was still so much light...God is gracious.
in our daily struggles and sometimes failures to fully trust and submit to the Lord's plan for us, God gently drew us back to Him through His word and through His undeniable pursuit of us...God is gracious.
through the gift of pregnancy of our newest precious son, whose strong kicks and jabs bring me such joy and thankfulness throughout each day...God is gracious.
through God's provision of a special scripture (Isaiah 43:18-19), to reassure me when in my weakness i begin to feel anxious or fearful...God is gracious.
and that only begins to touch upon the many instances where God has shown us amazing grace in this journey.
therefore, it only seems fitting that we have decided to name our son "Evan", whose name means "God is gracious."
(we're still working on the middle name...)
"He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD is gracious and full of compassion." ~Psalm 111:4
8.23.2010
8.14.2010
20 weeks
we're half-way there to meeting our new baby boy!
...and i'm doing things i never got to do with jonathan. for example, i'm thinking about what we'll actually need for this baby~ clothes to wear, a nursery to sleep in, toys to play with, and on and on.
as you might remember, i only shopped for the absolute necessities for jonathan: a blanket or two to wrap him in and an outfit to bury him in.
as the weeks go on and baby's kicks get stronger, i have been able to let myself daydream about the fun stuff and actually buy one or two things for him. in fact, i just ordered the fabric i'm going to use to sew his crib bedding, window valances, and pillows.
but because of where i've been, the fun stuff doesn't outweigh what's really important: baby boy is healthy and growing wonderfully. no material item can even come close.
...and i'm doing things i never got to do with jonathan. for example, i'm thinking about what we'll actually need for this baby~ clothes to wear, a nursery to sleep in, toys to play with, and on and on.
as you might remember, i only shopped for the absolute necessities for jonathan: a blanket or two to wrap him in and an outfit to bury him in.
as the weeks go on and baby's kicks get stronger, i have been able to let myself daydream about the fun stuff and actually buy one or two things for him. in fact, i just ordered the fabric i'm going to use to sew his crib bedding, window valances, and pillows.
but because of where i've been, the fun stuff doesn't outweigh what's really important: baby boy is healthy and growing wonderfully. no material item can even come close.
8.13.2010
run for new life 5K
after several meetings, emails, phone calls, and many, many other arrangements, the first annual "run for new life 5K" is coming together nicely!
and....it's going to be much bigger than expected! the response has been amazing from the beginning.
i've gotten several messages about how you can participate, either by volunteering, running, or walking.
here are the details:
the race will take place on october 2, 2010 at 8 am at rocky bayou baptist church, niceville, florida. the course starts at the church and continues through the beautiful swift creek neighborhood, takes you past heritage gardens cemetery, and back to the church.
a registration fee of $15 covers your race number, t-shirt, and your chance to win door prizes. our intention is to use any extra funds to support a relevant non-profit ministry. the t-shirt will be a keepsake, with a place for you to write in the name of the person you are running in memory of.
the oak tree symbolizes strength, the acorn symbolizes new life, and the picture of the leaf is the same picture placed on hospital doors during the birth and death of a baby. it lets hospital staff be aware of the situation going on behind the door. we had it placed on our door when we arrived at the hospital to deliver jonathan.
our race verse is Romans 6:4: "...just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
since it's our first go at this, we are just doing registration via facebook. here is the link to our event page.
if you don't have a facebook account and would like to participate, or if you have questions, please contact me via email.
packet pick-up will take place on friday, october 1, from 6-8 pm at rocky bayou baptist church.
we are looking forward to it and we hope to see you there!
and....it's going to be much bigger than expected! the response has been amazing from the beginning.
i've gotten several messages about how you can participate, either by volunteering, running, or walking.
here are the details:
the race will take place on october 2, 2010 at 8 am at rocky bayou baptist church, niceville, florida. the course starts at the church and continues through the beautiful swift creek neighborhood, takes you past heritage gardens cemetery, and back to the church.
a registration fee of $15 covers your race number, t-shirt, and your chance to win door prizes. our intention is to use any extra funds to support a relevant non-profit ministry. the t-shirt will be a keepsake, with a place for you to write in the name of the person you are running in memory of.
our race verse is Romans 6:4: "...just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
since it's our first go at this, we are just doing registration via facebook. here is the link to our event page.
if you don't have a facebook account and would like to participate, or if you have questions, please contact me via email.
packet pick-up will take place on friday, october 1, from 6-8 pm at rocky bayou baptist church.
we are looking forward to it and we hope to see you there!
8.08.2010
10 months of heaven
happy 10 months of heaven to our sweet jonathan today.
this description of heaven found in Isaiah 65 encourages me greatly...i hope it does the same for you too.
New Heavens and a New Earth
17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.
20 "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.
21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.
23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
Amen.
this description of heaven found in Isaiah 65 encourages me greatly...i hope it does the same for you too.
New Heavens and a New Earth
17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.
20 "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.
21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.
23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.
Amen.
8.03.2010
the crossroad
being pregnant so soon after losing jonathan has been a blessing as well as a challenge. i think the blessing part is obvious, and i'll be honest: in our case, being pregnant has been healing for us in many ways. of course, the new baby will never "replace" jonathan. but we are excited about adding to our family again, and already love this new baby so much.
however, the challenge has been to separate this pregnancy from jonathan's. with jonathan still so fresh in my memory, this new pregnancy inevitably gets compared at every milestone. at every appointment i anxiously await the exam results: is the heart beating? is the heart rate normal? are the measurements normal? am i normal?
since the trisomy 13 gene is not hereditary for us, there is no reason for us to think that this pregnancy would be anything but normal. however, having had such a devastating experience as we did, as much as we try not to "remember the former things", sometimes we just do. our scars are still fresh.
there is also the challenge of "moving forward" without feeling like we're leaving behind jonathan. time just marches on relentlessly, and we get further and further from that day we last saw him and held him. and yet simultaneously, the intensity of the grief is (thankfully) less and less as time goes on. this concept of time is very paradoxical. i despise it and appreciate it all at the same time. and so even though there is nothing i can do about how quickly time passes, i do feel guilty for wanting to move forward. for wanting to enjoy this new pregnancy. for wanting it to be separate.
for the first 15 and a half weeks of this new pregnancy, our journey was still tightly knit to jonathan's journey. and then finally, we came to a crossroad: our first big ultrasound with my OB.
and.....
our baby BOY is healthy and growing perfectly!
our prayers have been answered and the Lord has restored our loss, double! (1. healthy baby, and 2. BOY!)
and while jonathan's journey will continue on the path purposefully mapped out by the Lord Himself, greg and i took our first steps onto a new road filled with great hope and expectation.
*****
and of course our visit was not complete without God showing up in a big way. i was telling my OB about feeling like greg and i were finally able to begin walking the new road that has been graciously laid out before us.
she asked me if i had done my bible study homework for that day. (i've been meeting with a small bible study group led by my OB since june 22, which also happens to be a year to the day we found out something was wrong with jonathan. we've been studying the book of Ruth.)
sheepishly, i admitted that i hadn't yet...i had been so consumed with praying for good news at this appointment the past couple of days.
she explained that our study and homework for that very day was about ruth changing out of her mourning clothes and putting on new clothes. it was symbolic of moving past her loss and trusting God's plans for her new life.
i was amazed at the timing of this message! but not as amazed as i was once i finally did my homework for the day.
here is what it said:
"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Though we can't be certain what Ruth had on, we know her new dress signaled a change, a readiness, an availability to Boaz and to God for the possibility of something new.
Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever." ~ Kelly Minter, Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy
and then, there it was, AGAIN. i could hardly believe it. at the end of that day's homework, we were asked to read Isaiah 43:18-19. you know what it is by now:
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
and for the THIRD time in just a few weeks, God had my attention. (apparently He knows i might not get it after just one time so He is gracious enough to keep after me!)
i can barely contain my complete and total appreciation, thankfulness, joy, etc., etc. i have that God would be so kind to me to give me that message (again) on such an important day.
"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see." ~Psalm 118:23
"How amazing are the deeds of the LORD!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our LORD!" ~Psalm 111:2-4
however, the challenge has been to separate this pregnancy from jonathan's. with jonathan still so fresh in my memory, this new pregnancy inevitably gets compared at every milestone. at every appointment i anxiously await the exam results: is the heart beating? is the heart rate normal? are the measurements normal? am i normal?
since the trisomy 13 gene is not hereditary for us, there is no reason for us to think that this pregnancy would be anything but normal. however, having had such a devastating experience as we did, as much as we try not to "remember the former things", sometimes we just do. our scars are still fresh.
there is also the challenge of "moving forward" without feeling like we're leaving behind jonathan. time just marches on relentlessly, and we get further and further from that day we last saw him and held him. and yet simultaneously, the intensity of the grief is (thankfully) less and less as time goes on. this concept of time is very paradoxical. i despise it and appreciate it all at the same time. and so even though there is nothing i can do about how quickly time passes, i do feel guilty for wanting to move forward. for wanting to enjoy this new pregnancy. for wanting it to be separate.
for the first 15 and a half weeks of this new pregnancy, our journey was still tightly knit to jonathan's journey. and then finally, we came to a crossroad: our first big ultrasound with my OB.
and.....
our baby BOY is healthy and growing perfectly!
our prayers have been answered and the Lord has restored our loss, double! (1. healthy baby, and 2. BOY!)
and while jonathan's journey will continue on the path purposefully mapped out by the Lord Himself, greg and i took our first steps onto a new road filled with great hope and expectation.
*****
and of course our visit was not complete without God showing up in a big way. i was telling my OB about feeling like greg and i were finally able to begin walking the new road that has been graciously laid out before us.
she asked me if i had done my bible study homework for that day. (i've been meeting with a small bible study group led by my OB since june 22, which also happens to be a year to the day we found out something was wrong with jonathan. we've been studying the book of Ruth.)
sheepishly, i admitted that i hadn't yet...i had been so consumed with praying for good news at this appointment the past couple of days.
she explained that our study and homework for that very day was about ruth changing out of her mourning clothes and putting on new clothes. it was symbolic of moving past her loss and trusting God's plans for her new life.
i was amazed at the timing of this message! but not as amazed as i was once i finally did my homework for the day.
here is what it said:
"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. In a sense, we take ourselves out of the game. Though we can't be certain what Ruth had on, we know her new dress signaled a change, a readiness, an availability to Boaz and to God for the possibility of something new.
Please know that if you have walked Ruth's exact journey of a dire loss, I am not at all presuming on your grieving process. My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever." ~ Kelly Minter, Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy
and then, there it was, AGAIN. i could hardly believe it. at the end of that day's homework, we were asked to read Isaiah 43:18-19. you know what it is by now:
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
and for the THIRD time in just a few weeks, God had my attention. (apparently He knows i might not get it after just one time so He is gracious enough to keep after me!)
i can barely contain my complete and total appreciation, thankfulness, joy, etc., etc. i have that God would be so kind to me to give me that message (again) on such an important day.
"This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous to see." ~Psalm 118:23
"How amazing are the deeds of the LORD!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our LORD!" ~Psalm 111:2-4
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