i'll take it

i got a (seemingly legit) email the other day informing me that this blog (jonathan's journey) has placed #54 out of the top 60 "2010 Top Mom and Dad Blogs." 



two things:

1.  i did not know this existed
2.  it's a good thing they consider the top 60 blogs instead of top 50, right?

but i'll take it. 

as this blog was only originally intended to be a place where family and friends could check in on our pregnancy with jonathan, it amazing and humbling that anyone else would even care to read about our journey.  it has truly blessed us, the encouragement and prayers we've received from around the world.  thank you.

if you care to know more about the site that does the awarding, you can click here.

sweet feet

just in time for father's day, we received this wonderful keepsake pillow bearing jonathan's footprints from the ministry "cherished soles."  It's a small pillow embroidered with jonathan's name and birthdate on white linen.  i presented it to my husband as his gift from his son. 

the footprints are actual size.  look how tiny...

it had been awhile since i'd seen these sweet little feet, even though they are stamped in my bible.

i had forgotten just how small they are.  just how perfect they are.  just how kissable they were.

but as always, i was reminded of the amazing miracle that jonathan was and continues to be, eight and a half months later.  and the "cost" of carrying him (too high, as perceived by many) was worth every heartache just to meet him and kiss those feet.  not a single regret, instead, just peace and lots and lots of love.  i am so thankful for these precious moments with my son.

happy father's day to my wonderful husband.  jonathan couldn't have asked for a better daddy. 

kate and i love you so much and are so blessed to have you in our lives.

7 years and 8 months

yesterday, june 7th, greg and i celebrated 7 years of marriage!  it seems crazy to me that so much time has passed.   but i guess that's what happens when you're having fun.  two and a half of those years have been consumed with the joys of watching our precious daughter kate grow up and then the last 8 months of living without jonathan has just flown by as well.  i'm not quite sure i remember what we did before having kids.  we must have been pretty bored.  and as the saying goes, having kids is like having your heart walk around outside of your body.  if so, then losing a child is being not quite sure you will ever recover from having that heart broken.

*****

i heard the funniest thing at a baby shower the other day.  another mom was telling the new mom-to-be, "they say that when you are delivering a baby, that when the placenta comes out, it is actually your brain."  how true is that!  actually, i think once you are pregnant, you immediately begin losing brain cells that control your memory.  somehow, the baby just sucks them right out of you.  my husband would vouch for that one.

another time, i've heard someone explain it this way:   when you become a mother, there is always part of your brain that is devoted to and working non-stop thinking about your child(ren.)  i think this is absolutely true as well.  there is not a moment in the day when i am not thinking about something that has to do with kate or jonathan.  even though jonathan hasn't been here for 8 months, he is so deeply part of who i am, just like kate is, that he is always on my mind no matter what i am doing. 

it's true that i can be having a conversation with someone and making a list in my head of things i need to do for kate that day. just as it's true that i can be smiling or laughing and be grieving for jonathan at the same time.

talk about multi-tasking. 

and i won't even go into how draining it is to constantly think about/grieve for a baby that has passed away.  i'm surprised i even remember my own name some days.

but when i really consider my life and all that the last 7 years have held, i conclude that i am just so, so blessed.  i have a fantastic husband who is just as fantastic a father to my children.  we have unconditional love and support from our parents.  i have a daughter who makes the "terrible twos" look like the "terrific twos."  and i have a son who has taught me that even in loss, there is incredible joy and blessing throughout the journey.

i truly have so much to be thankful for.

*****

greg and i celebrated in destin with a TON of sushi and hibachi and then took a walk on the beach, possibly for the last time before the oil hits.  it was right at dusk and in the distance all around were some incredible thunderstorms brewing, sending the occasional streak of lightning here and there.  we felt like tourists, taking in the white sand and clear green waters as if it was the last time we would see it for awhile.  and unfortunately, it just may be true for us. 

here are some of our beach pictures...

a song for this part of the journey

this song has meant so much to me on this particular part of my journey, that i wanted to share it. everytime it comes on the radio, i have to stop and give thanks for everything the Lord has done for me. i hope you'll take the time to listen and read the lyrics. by the way, i did not make the video, but it was the best one i found for this song.



Healing Hand of God
Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces,
I fear in the pain.
I have watched the tears fall plenty,
From heart ache and strength.
So if life's journey,
Has you weary and afraid.
There's rest in the shadow of his wings.

I have walked through the valleys,
The mountains and plains.
I have held the hand of freedom,
It washes all my stains.
If you feel the weight of many trials,
And burdens from this world.
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord.

Chorus:
I have seen,
The healing hand of God,
Reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God.

I have touched the scars upon His hands,
To see if they were real.
He has walked the road before me,
He knows just how I feel.
When you feel there is not anyone,
Who understands your pain,
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering.

(Chorus)

Cast all your cares on Him,
For He cares for you.
He's near to the broken and confused.
By His stripes,
Our spirit is renewed.
So enter in the joy prepared for you.

(Chorus)

The healing hand of God (x2)
And hold on to what's being held out (x2)
The healing hand of God

God at work, part three: woven together

on june 24, 2009, we helplessly watched the ultrasound screen at our appointment with the maternal-fetal specialist, as he explained to us all the abnormalities he was seeing in our son's body. 

and then, the news:  our son would die, most likely in utero.  maybe within days, maybe within weeks.  his chance of survival after birth was almost non-existent.

how could this have happened?  did God make some huge mistake when creating our son?

no relevant information could be found in any pregnancy book i owned.  so those books were put away and we turned to the scriptures for answers.

what we found was that jonathan was woven together by God exactly the way he was supposed to be and that his days were ordained long before he was conceived. (Psalm 139.) 

introducing:  woven together

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am

fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together

in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

~ Psalm 139:13-16

woven together is the name of the ministry i am working on, which aims to honor pre-born babies who are purposefully created in such a way that they receive a devastating prenatal diagnosis, as well as to encourage mothers as they bravely choose life while facing eventual loss. 

each prenatally-diagnosed baby will receive a  personalized, embroidered preemie baby blanket, personally "woven together" by me.  the idea is not original or complex, obviously, but i think something that makes it extra special is that the name or monogram of each baby will be embroidered on the blanket.  i believe every mother who is facing or has experienced a loss understands the importance the child's name being remembered, and of a lasting personalized keepsake. 

for those mothers who experience an unexpected loss during or shortly after birth for any reason, my plan is to embroider the name or monogram of their babies onto a piece of fabric that can be used as a quilt square, a photo album cover, in a framed photo set or shadow box, the front of a pillow, or other keepsake project.  the possibilities are endless.  i've decided to make it a more "do it yourself" type of keepsake, because it allows for many keepsake ideas and possibilities, as well as the satisfaction of making something special for your child. 

i am truly honored to be able to offer encouragement to those mothers who are walking the same difficult road as i am, as well as to do something for others in memory of my precious son jonathan.  right now, i am prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance on this ministry, and am expecting it to evolve somewhat as certain needs or requests come to light. 

eventually i'll post more details, contact info, etc. 

i would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions as well by way of a comment. :)

God at work, part two: healing and a new ministry

part of what God's been working on in my heart these days is healing.  it's been a long process, and it's not over yet.  but the more i draw close to Him through prayer and reading scripture, the more i can truly feel Him binding up my wounds. 

i never realized until this year just how many scriptures are about the sorrows we all will experience here on earth and how, with God's grace and mercy, He leads us through the trials we face and we become stronger because of them.  i'm guessing that i never noticed them all because until this past year, i had never had moments where i truly didn't know how we were going to make it through each day; where waking up each morning meant we were another day closer to my son dying.  the promises to me in those scriptures were the only hope i had to survive the nightmare i was living.

and now when i re-read those scriptures, i am at peace.  comforted.  but i'm especially joyful, because my God did not let me down.  every promise came true.  and now i know, from experience, that He is absolutely trustworthy and good. 

and that, my friends, is where i began noticing healing in my heart. 

in the past couple of months, i've seen healing in my life in other ways:  i've held my first newborn that wasn't jonathan. my sister's baby, sophie, was born in march.  i found out that my sister was pregnant a day or two after i found out that jonathan would die.  i wasn't sure how i would feel about sophie after she was born, but to my surprise, i'm actually OK about it all.  i've even enjoyed being around her (and not in some i-want-to-steal-your-baby kind of way. in case you're wondering.)  but mostly, i know that jonathan fulfilled a purpose in his short life, and he did it well. and i'm proud of him; proud to be his mommy. i wouldn't want it any other way.  no other baby could fulfill what jonathan accomplished.

sweet baby sophie

i've also attended my first baby shower, which happened to be for my dear friend lindsey, who i occasionally mention in this blog and as you'll remember, she lost her baby gabrielle at 22 weeks. she's now due in a couple of days with her baby boy, luke. being at her shower was not uncomfortable for me at all, and i wouldn't have missed it for anything. my gift to her included about five baby items that i enjoyed handmaking for her.  and that's another example of how i know i'm healing:  it doesn't bother me one bit to make cute baby items for other people's healthy babies or for baby showers.

two of my favorite friends, cathy and lindsey

and that's why now i feel is the time to start using my sewing ability to encourage others who are walking a similarly difficult road as i am.  it's one of the two things i have in mind to do for jonathan's legacy.

it all starts with a story about my sewing room. 

about two years ago, when my sewing hobby was becoming a small business, i decided to turn one of our extra bedrooms into my sewing room.  some people have guest bedrooms, some people have dens or offices, and i've even heard of some people having man-caves.  so having a sewing room was like having my very own get-away room...and freed up my dining room again for dining.  but not that we ever use it for dining anyway.  (who does??)

so you can imagine my predicament when i became pregnant with baby number two (jonathan.)  i hoped he would be a girl so i could stick her in a crib in kate's bedroom and keep my sewing room.  and yes, i realize how selfish this is, but at this time i was busy, busy, busy and needed a place i could spread out and work.  and, i had my sewing room just the way i wanted it.  i know:  selfish.

when we were in my OB's office on june 22nd of last year, getting that fateful ultrasound, we actually found out that we were having a boy before our doctor discovered any problems.

i was in shock that i was having a boy.  i had been sick for several weeks, just like i had been with kate.  i just assumed because of this, i was having another girl.  and in that moment of shock, several things ran through my mind as i tried to grasp i was going to have a baby boy.  and one of those things, i'm embarrased to admit, was that i was going to have to give up my sewing room.

a few seconds later, my doctor discovered our baby had a cleft lip, a marker for a genetic disorder, specifically trisomy 13.

so, given what transpired in the days and months to follow, with the diagnosis of trisomy 13 and severe heart defects, and then jonathan's eventual birth and death....whether to keep a sewing room or make it into a nursery becomes completely, absurdly trite, doesn't it?  what i wouldn't give up to have my baby boy here, happy and healthy. 

well, in a horribly ironic twist of fate, i got to keep my sewing room after all, and learned a hard lesson in perspective through my circumstances.  i quit sewing for several months and canceled all my orders.  most of what i sew is for babies and toddlers anyway, so there was another reminder i didn't need during that time.

it wasn't until the end of september that i picked it back up, when i realized how sewing could be therapy.  when you sew, you focus and concentrate on every stitch, every cut, making sure it's precise.  there isn't much room to think about anything else, lest you make a mistake.  even at the end of my pregnancy, when i would sew, it was the only time i wasn't thinking about having a baby that was going to die.

seven months later, sewing is still therapy to me.  i'm back in the swing of things and people are having lots of healthy babies, so business is good.  but i also want to do something to honor the babies who have been diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition prenatally, and those babies who are born still or die shortly after birth.  i am completely convinced that each of these children have just as great a purpose in life as any healthy child, but with a shorter life span.  and as proven in jonathan's life, as well as many other babies who have died that i know of, God can take the least of us and glorify Himself the most.

more details to come.

where i've been....

...in case you've been wondering.

for the last week or so, i've been here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

enjoying it before it's gone....

7 months and mother's day

remembering my sweet jonathan today and thinking about all the other mothers i know who have also lost a baby.

i am praying for God to bless you this mother's day.

love,
lauren

God at work, part one (and another prayer request)

the next several blogs will be written as a series entitled, "God at work" and will record some of the amazing ways He's been active in my life lately.

*****

looking back over the past six months (almost 7 months now) of life without jonathan, and being able to analyze that time without the bias of sadness lately, i've come to realize that there's another factor that plays largely into the difficulty of the six-month milestone.

and that is, what happens now?  where does jonathan's legacy go from here?

yesterday, i was talking with another mom of a baby in heaven, and we both agreed that it really is so important to us that the memory of our lost children continue somehow.  and the longer that child is gone, the harder it is to accomplish, it seems.  for me, it was at six months that i reached a point of feeling like i needed to do something more than just my blogging.  i needed to do something to extend jonathan's legacy that would also benefit moms who are just embarking on this difficult journey i've been on for almost a year now.  to "pay it forward", so to speak.

so, for the past several weeks now, i've been praying about and brainstorming ways to extend jonathan's legacy. 

and i've realized that i'm only good at two things.  that's right, just two.  it's humbling, but the Lord has shown me that i can use both of those things in my overall mission.  so i'm OK with it.  :)

i'll be introducing them seperately in future blog posts.

*****

i have another prayer request if anyone is willing to pray for this....

as you know, i live on the emerald coast of florida, which is located right on the gulf of mexico, between pensacola and panama city.  it includes the cities of destin, fort walton beach, and niceville, plus two large air force bases and several other small towns.  we have snow white beaches and crystal green-blue water, and the best seafood anywhere.

in a matter of days, our entire gulf coast is probably going to be devastated by the oil spill off the coast of louisiana.  devastated as in, catastrophic loss of animal life, ecosystems destroyed, people's livelihoods ruined, and our tourism industry (basically, our economy)  tanked.  it has the potential to create damage we might not recover from for years and years.  i know our God is sovereign and there is nothing that comes to a surprise to Him, but i also believe He has the power to step in and minimize the damage to not only our area, but to the other affected states as well.  please pray for this on our behalf, if you are so willing.

in the meantime, i'll be spending my time at the beach and eating shrimp until the oil rolls in.

a sincere thanks,
lauren

update on baby joshua

joshua was born this morning, via c-section.

he was born alive, and lived for about an hour and a half.

their pastor came and baptized joshua before he passed away, a symbol of dedicating him to the Lord.

i am so thankful to the Lord for giving this family these precious moments with their son.

please continue to lift this family up for healing.

thank you so much for praying!!

another prayer request

please be in prayer for my friend, kristi, and her family as she goes in to deliver her baby joshua tomorrow morning at 7:30 CST.   joshua has trisomy 18, which is also considered "not compatible with life" by medical standards.

please pray that joshua is born alive and that his family gets to spend some precious moments with him.

please pray for peace and comfort for kristi and her family.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

a quick update

a lot has happened since i last wrote.  my last blog entry reflected a dip i had experienced in this journey of highs and lows, and i got several emails from people making sure i was OK.  the six month milestone was more difficult than i had expected, but truthfully, i should have expected it to be hard.  but overall, i'm doing well.  we're doing well, all three of us.  really, there are so many more good days than bad.  i'm so thankful that this journey of loss actually can have good days! and not just here and there. many, many good days. it's a bit paradoxical, i realize.  but because my blog tends to be my therapy, so to speak, the lows get recorded just as often as the highs. 

so lately, both my journey of faith and my journey to healing have been very active lately in very good ways.  it always happens this way:  i have a bad day or two of missing my baby boy and the Lord responds with an abundance of love and peace.  gosh, i love that Man.

He's also apparently been very busy behind the scenes since the last time i blogged, orchestrating meetings and events, answering prayers, revealing new things and sharing perfectly timed scripture with me during my quiet times and to me through other people.  all things some would consider mere "coincidences."  and, all these events and scriptures are connected and intertwined with each other like a huge spider web.  i want to share all the details with you so you will be as amazed as i am at what's been going on, but i'm just not even sure where to start.  it might have to be told through a series of future blogs. 

but for now it's just important that everyone knows we're doing OK.  thank you from the bottom of our hearts for continuing to care for us, pray for us and write to us.

and stay tuned!  :)

six months of loss

i haven't written much lately because i haven't had much to say, i guess.

i'll be honest: the six month mark was hard for me.

i heard that around four to six months can be the hardest time after a loss.  i didn't know it would happen to me until the other day when a sweet friend, who i had not seen in almost a year, asked me to tell her all about jonathan.

normally, i would jump at the chance and proudly talk about one of my favorite subjects.  instead, through tears, all i could get out was that i didn't know what to say about him anymore.

it was six months ago now since i last saw him. it feels like such a long time has passed since i've held my sweet boy. and it wasn't like i could tell her what he had been up to lately or what milestones he had reached, as much as i would have liked to.

and maybe that's what's so hard about six months for me; that my loss is not just the loss of my newborn.  it's the loss of my two-month-old who loves to smile.  it's the loss of my three-month-old who might be rolling over.  or my four-month-old who just discovered the joys of laughing.  or my five-month-old who is sitting up.  or my six month old who is starting solid foods.  and on.  and on.

and so i'm aware that every month that jonathan might have lived, the losses will continue to multiply. 

i realize that today i'm focusing on the losses and not the gains we've witnessed from jonathan's life.  trust me, i believe that the gains were even more significant than the loss.  really.   i'm especially aware that our loss is his gain because he's in heaven where there are no tears; no pain. he is healed and perfect.

at the same time, i know that the losses i'm counting are simply worldly.  not the loss of jonathan himself, of course, but the experiences i'm missing out on with him.  the bible makes it clear that as a believer, i will see jonathan again in heaven and even possibly get to raise him there.  as in, i didn't miss out after all.  gosh, if i could just wrap my mind around that fully, i know i would feel completely comforted and appeased.

it's just that lately, i am really missing him.  and i can comprehend that more than i can fully comprehend complex biblical truths that require faith, not sight.  and so, the journey of faith continues (as it should.) 

so in spite of feeling this way, i'm trying to remember that while these losses are great, i still have everything i need.  i love this quote a friend posted on facebook:

"Let your pious hearts be comforted under the loss of all terrestrial vanities [earthly things]. Let them shout for joy under all trials and crosses. For under the loss of all things, you possess all things still. The immortal God is yours; and in Him you have all and need no more." - Edward Griffin

6 months

remembering my sweet jonathan today...

hope for healing

this year, easter was bittersweet.

bitter, obviously, because my son was not here to participate in our family's traditions of egg hunting, attending church, and then a big dinner with both of our families.  i didn't get to dress him up.  i didn't get to make him an easter basket.  and i didn't get to watch kate steal eggs out of his basket, as i suspect she would have done if he were here. 

bitter, because this year, our traditions were broadened to include visiting our baby boy's gravesite.

bitter, because at the egg hunt i happened to stand right next to a new father, who proudly gushed about his five-month-old baby boy's recent milestones; how he was just starting to army crawl a little bit.  in the split second i allowed myself to look at the baby, i noticed how adorably chubby he was.  i guessed he weighed somewhere around 17 pounds. 

and then i looked away. 

i definitely felt bitter.  actually, more like crushed.  wounded.

*****

i love how God, through His word, has a way of gently reminding me of who He is, what He has done for me, and why i shouldn't be so focused on the temporal all the time.  yes, my pain is real.  yes, life is not the same without jonathan.  but if i focus on those sorrows without remembering the true significance of easter, then of course it will be bitter. 

i am reminded what crushed and wounded really means in Isaiah 53:4-6:

"Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all." 

and suddenly it wasn't so bitter anymore.

the sweetness of this truth is that i have a God who knows my pain.  who also willingly suffered incomprehensible pain on the cross. 

for me. 

so that i would have hope, as i suffer in this fallen world, to be fully healed one day. 

and hope that one day i will celebrate easter with my precious jonathan.

the ultimate rejection. well, sort of.

so, i know i've talked a lot about the rejection we have experienced since our journey with jonathan has begun.  or, at least what i consider rejection.  in the big scheme of things, i realize that it's really not that big of a deal.  i mean, do i really care what people think about us, our decision to carry jonathan, or our faith?  or that people chose not be supportive or to be our friends anymore?  if i had known the rejection was going to happen, would i have still made the same choices?  of course it wouldn't have changed a thing.  but apparently i do care about what people think of me, more than i thought. 

there.  i said it.  i care too much about what people think of me, even complete strangers.  even the cowardly, hateful, anonymous newpaper commenters.

well, recently, friends, i've discovered i've endured the ultimate rejection.  i mean, it doesn't get much worse than this.  are you ready for it?  i can barely get it out.......

i've been defriended on facebook.  yep, you read it right.  by at least four or five people over the past few months.  you know how i know?  because the first time i noticed i was no longer friends with one certain person, i "friended" them again, thinking that maybe it was an accident or facebook problem or something.  it can happen, right?  so the second time i noticed i wasn't friends anymore with this person, i finally got it.  and folks, i am not even a natural blonde.  :)

ouch.  this kind of rejection is something even the apostles did not have to experience.

ok, i'm totally kidding here.

but seriously, defriended?  so i have chosen to write an open letter to these former facebook friends.  here we go:

dear former facebook friends,

seriously, defriended? 

but we went to high school or college together, doesn't that count for something?  even if i haven't actually seen you in, like, 15 years?  defriended and not just blocked from your newsfeed?  you know, there's an app for that.  defriending makes me feel like i'm back in high school or something and i didn't say "hi" to you as we passed in the hallway.

considering that we don't really know each other anymore (a lot happens in 15 or so years), you are either defriending me because of (1.)  the person i was in high school or early college (don't worry, i'd defriend me, too, for that)  or (2.)  the person who i've become, all wrapped up in a tidy package on the "about me" page on facebook, saying that my name is lauren, i'm married to greg, and we have a 2 year old and a 40-minute old, who's in heaven.  oh, and that my religious and political views are both "christian."

i'm pretty sure my status updates could not be offending to you.  i don't quote scripture in them.  i don't even quote quotes about scripture, God, or Jesus.  maybe you are offended or annoyed that i was excited a few months ago when my baby girl went #2 on the potty for the first time ever.

oh, but there was that "note" i wrote about our baby boy's diagnosis back in june.  and how we were choosing to continue the pregnancy and relying on God for strength.  oh, and there were the pictures of me, pregnant and smiling in my profile picture.  perhaps that was offending to you, that i would choose life instead of abortion.  oh, and there was a lot of status updating going on in october when my baby was born.  and died.  and maybe there was some more talk about God and Jesus at that time.  i know that Jesus is an especially offensive topic to some.

here's the thing:  of course, i am only making an assumption as to why you defriended me.  but in case you didn't know, for almost a year now, i have walked a very difficult journey of faith and trust.  it has been a journey that, if i didn't have faith, i might be dead right now, at least spiritually and emotionally.  it's been a journey that has forced me out of the proverbial closet as a christian, because our suffering was so public.  people watched us make difficult choices and react to the circumstances we'd been given.  yet, the biggest choice i had to make was made in private:  whether or not to truly trust the God of the bible.  the faith i had as a child was not good enough for this journey, yet i considered it "good enough" for me until this past year. you see, i could have my comfortable faith and yet no one would label me as a "Jesus freak" or anything else considered unpopular in this culture.  i'm embarrassed to admit to that.  it's not lost on me that perhaps God knew it would take suffering of this magnitude to move me out of my faith comfort zone. 

so thank you, former facebook friends, for confirming my status as an unpopular Jesus freak.  i now take it as a compliment.  it's true, my faith has become a huge part of my identity, instead of being just a small subcategory of my life.  and while i would never preach at you, throw scripture in your face, judge you, or defriend you for not being a christian, i would say to you:  don't knock it till you try it.  you might even like it. 

however, i don't apologize if i offended you in any way.  i'm more sorry you did not stick around to see what my faith, my God, has done for me and my family in the midst of devastation.  i think you would be surprised.  perhaps intrigued.  perhaps you would wonder from where we got our strength to make it through.  perhaps you would wonder what you might do in our situation, or in some other kind of suffering you might face.  because one day, inevitably, we all will experience suffering.

and i would tell you, i got my strength at the foot of the cross.  and there is room there for you too. 

your friend,
lauren

things to remember him by

back in november, i blogged a little bit about some keepsakes i wanted to either buy or make in memory of jonathan.  specifically, you might remember the opal and 8 tiny diamonds that my mother had offered to me before he was born to make an original jewelry piece in memory of him.  and that, "coincidentally", jonathan's birthstone happens to be an opal and he was born on the 8th.

recently, i realized that i had never posted pictures of the keepsakes that have been given to me since jonathan's passing.  and because this is jonathan's baby journal, the pictures belong here...

the opal, diamond, and white gold necklace from my mother

friends gave us jonathan's name, in scripture verses

a friend gave me this lucinda kay "peas in a pod" necklace, symbolizing both of my children

two of my friends gave me this helen ficalora necklace with engraved silver charms

tiny footprints inside the cover of my bible...my favorite.

we were also given several beautifully handmade or embroidered blankets, framed art with scripture, and several christmas ornaments that mean a lot to us. 

so as i was thinking about what these keepsakes mean to me, (and what i wouldn't give up to have jonathan back, happy and healthy) i realized that there was a greater, more valuable keepsake from our journey with jonathan given to me by the Lord Himself:

a deeper faith.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy"  ~1 Peter 1:6-8

what He knows

it seems that sometimes in life, trials and devastation causing suffering are not solitary events.  they tend to come in the company of each other, don't they?  this has been the case for us lately, as a couple other lesser struggles and disappointments have come about in recent months following jonathan's life and death.  we've questioned God's reasoning.  we've questioned God's timing.  we've questioned decisions we've made after praying and feeling led in one direction that now seem wrong.  we've been stressed and confused.  and we're tired. 

little did i know there was a big lesson for me in one of these recent trials.

we have two female cats, a black and white one and a fluffy gray one.  we found the black and white cat on the side of the road when she was just five weeks old, apparently tossed from a car.  i spotted her peeking up through the grass from across a busy highway, while we were driving 45 mph.  therefore, greg thinks i planted her there so that we could happen upon her and keep her.  (i didn't.)  we bottle-fed her and raised her as the only parents she's known, basically.  the other cat was given to us by a friend when she was just a kitten, about two years later.  one cat is really sweet and friendly, and acts more like a dog.  the other cat is just plain mean sometimes, with a real wild streak. now, which one do you think is the mean one?  yep, the one we rescued as an orphan and now lives like a queen.  but i digress.

lounging in the bathtub

well, as if it wasn't bad enough to lose our baby boy, just three weeks after burying jonathan we almost lost our (nice) cat to an undiagnosed condition.  we didn't think the emotional distress or timing could get much worse.

one day we noticed she was really lethargic and not eating.  the next day we were in the vet's office listening to him tell us she was barely alive and that she might need a blood transfusion.  needless to say, we weren't about to bury anyone or anything else.  for the next several weeks, the treatments that followed for this cat were pretty much torture for her.  she was poked, prodded, stuck with countless needles, and she slept in strange places with barking dogs.  we held her down and shoved medicine down her throat every couple of hours, which had its own set of unpleasant side effects.  and just when things were looking better, she suffered a pulmonary embolism.  that was the night we said goodbye to her, because we thought for sure the vet was going to put her down.  and we didn't know how much more we could take of it.

the cat was suffering.  on top of it all, she was probably deeply distressed by the treatments she surely perceived as torture that her "parents" were putting her through.  she couldn't understand that what we were doing was for her good, that we were trying to save her life.  she didn't know what we knew.

our cat seems to have fully recovered since then, thank goodness.  but gosh, we sure complained loudly to God about the added emotional and financial stress and the timing of the whole mess.  i didn't know there was a lesson in that experience specifically for me until i came to a section in the book "if God is Good" by randy alcorn, where he shares the story of a three-year-old boy who had ingested some kind of poison.  on the way to the hospital, the boy's father continuously slapped the child to keep him awake so that the child would not fall asleep and die.  the poor boy did not understand why his father was hitting him like this.  the child was suffering not only from the poison he had ingested, but because he was perceiving his father's slaps as cruel.  of course he could not understand that his father only did it for the boy's own good, to save his life.  the child didn't know what his father knew.

and then there's the story of a certain family i know very well *ahem* who seemed to have it pretty good.  they're what you might consider a typical "good christian family", blessed by a good marriage, good jobs, an adorable baby girl, a nice house, and good friends.  life was very...good.  and then one day they learned that their new baby-on-the-way was diagnosed with a fatal condition.  in just a single moment, life was turned upside down.  suffering began immediately and stretched out before them like a long, desolate road.  their baby died shortly after being born, their lives forever scarred by such a loss.  what good could come from that?  what good God would allow something like that to happen? 

the Father, whose ways and thoughts are higher than ours, did allow it to happen.   perhaps in His sovereignty, He planned it to happen, knowing full well the suffering that would fall on this family.  but perhaps He determined the suffering they experienced (and still experience) was for good; necessary to save their lives, to save someone else's life, whether spiritually or otherwise.  and while they can certainly see plenty of the good that came from their suffering, they can't begin to fully know what the Father knows. 

but what we do know is:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~Jeremiah 29:11

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100:5

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

the lesson i've learned is that knowing Him means knowing that He is good, whether in times of blessing or in times of suffering.  knowing He is good means we don't have to question what He knows. 

i'm praying that knowing Him is enough for me.

thankful....again

out of the blue today, i received a couple of messages reaffirming just how much my little jonathan's life has touched others in profound, significant ways.

it's been five months that he's been gone, and i'm still hearing these things. from people i don't know (or hardly know.)

it's simply amazing. humbling. encouraging.

thank you so much for letting me know how much my son's life means to you.

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to feel like a proud parent.

but mostly, thank you for reminding me that we serve an awesome God who can truly use any life for His glory, even a life that only lasted 40 minutes.

count it all joy

today, march 8th marks five months since we lost jonathan.  (it also marks the day his life began a year ago.  maybe that's TMI for most of you, sorry.)

five months seems like a long time from where i stand right now.  i know that grief takes all sorts of forms, and here at five months after losing jonathan, i guess what i feel mostly these days is just weariness.

while there's comfort in life going back to normalcy after a loss, there's also some grief that it has gone back to normal, whatever normal is these days.  life just moves on so quickly, without a second thought to those it leaves behind.   i feel sad that jonathan is being left behind.  there's only so much i can do for him with him not being here.  the parent in me wants to care for him in tangible ways, too, which of course i can't.  it's a bit draining at times.

so i stepped it in to high gear with kate.  i got her potty trained in no time.  i've been taking her to all sorts of playdates.  i've been patiently obliging her requests for "play with me, mommy" even when i don't feel like it.  i've been giving her lots of extra "snuggle time" when she wants it, where she wants it.  i've been making sure she's seeing me smile more than not.  basically, i've been spoiling her with love but still maintaining order and discipline in her day.  i feel that i can't let my grieving for jonathan, which tends to show up in my life as impatience, interfere with doing the best i can with kate.  maybe what i've described sounds easy.  but for me, it's draining.

also quite draining has been five months of grieving for jonathan and missing him.  he's always in the back of my mind, no matter what i'm doing or what i'm thinking about.  i could be in the middle of laughing at something i find hilarious, and yet the sadness of jonathan being gone is there. 

it's been five months of fighting those thoughts that come to remind me that "by now", if he hadn't had that extra chromosome, he would be laughing.  rolling over. sitting up.

it's been five months of trying to keep the memory of him fresh; for me, for my family, for anyone who cares.

it's been five months (and much longer) of experiencing lesser trials that have stemmed from the greater trial of carrying and then losing jonathan, such as friendships being strained and lost, the reappearance of the elephant in the room, public negative reactions to our story, and an occasional sense of feeling alone or out of place, to name a few.

it's been five months of daily submission to the hard truth that God's plan to take him was better than my plan to keep him.

it's been five months of meditating on some very deep theological matters that, quite honestly, i have neither the spiritual maturity nor brain capacity to make much sense of any of it.

and on top of it all, God's been awfully quiet with me lately.  or maybe, i just can't hear Him right now.   which adds to the weariness, since the awareness of God's presence in our lives during my pregnancy and the months following had been extremely comforting.

yet, i do realize that all of these things i write about are not hidden from God, since He knows my every thought and prayer.  within a few days of voicing my weariness about everything to Him, He answered by leading me back to the scriptures that remind me that:

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ~Matthew 28:20

and then yesterday at church, we had a very powerful time of worship that focused on the verses James 1:2-4 that says...

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

and we sang the song, "count it all joy":

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When my troubles
Close me in on every side
 Lord, I’ll count it all joy
When this road of faith
Runs through the darkest night

For I know You’re at work in me
Yes I know You’ll provide
All the grace I need

You have always been my Rock
I will trust You forever, forever
You have never failed me God
I will trust You forever, forever

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When the weight of sorrow
Drives me to my knees

Every heartache and pain
In Your mighty hands
Is forming Christ in me

And I know that Your Word is true
Yes, I know every trial
Will only prove

Who can separate us
From You and Your great love

it was at that moment, i realized that although the weariness i was feeling was very real and possibly even justified, my attitude needed to be adjusted yet again.  i was not counting it all joy.

and then, we sang the song, "blessed be your name."  it probably wasn't a coincidence that this song was also performed at jonathan's funeral.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

we finished singing and one of the elders stood up to pray and he began by saying that while the Lord does choose to give and take away, He doesn't take away Jesus.  i didn't hear any more of the prayer because i knew that that was the cure for my attitude adjustment.
 
this whole time i have been mostly concerned with doing my best not to take kate for granted in the midst of my loss of jonathan, but i had in fact taken for granted the value of what i have been given through the gift of Christ.  through Christ, i have access to all of God's promises.  i have unconditional love from the Father.  He gives me the strength to overcome any loss.  He also reminds me that : "Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" ~Phillipians 3:7-8

i realize that lately, i have not been able to experience joy because i have focused too much on what i have lost, and not enough of what i have gained.  yes, there actually was gain from losing jonathan.  more than what i can comprehend in my limited abilities.  but i have seen enough to know that the gain is significant.  therefore, i haven't had a problem counting some of it joy, but i know it takes a greater faith to count it all joy. 

counting it all joy includes being pregnant with a sick baby.  counting it all joy includes losing friends and being publicly ridiculed because of the stance you take for your faith.  counting it all joy includes holding your baby while he dies.  counting it all joy includes living the rest of your life with a (insert name here)-sized hole in your heart.  the faith i want is the faith that still counts it all joy. 

therefore:

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:1-2

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." ~ Nehemiah 8:10

"You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11