count it all joy

today, march 8th marks five months since we lost jonathan.  (it also marks the day his life began a year ago.  maybe that's TMI for most of you, sorry.)

five months seems like a long time from where i stand right now.  i know that grief takes all sorts of forms, and here at five months after losing jonathan, i guess what i feel mostly these days is just weariness.

while there's comfort in life going back to normalcy after a loss, there's also some grief that it has gone back to normal, whatever normal is these days.  life just moves on so quickly, without a second thought to those it leaves behind.   i feel sad that jonathan is being left behind.  there's only so much i can do for him with him not being here.  the parent in me wants to care for him in tangible ways, too, which of course i can't.  it's a bit draining at times.

so i stepped it in to high gear with kate.  i got her potty trained in no time.  i've been taking her to all sorts of playdates.  i've been patiently obliging her requests for "play with me, mommy" even when i don't feel like it.  i've been giving her lots of extra "snuggle time" when she wants it, where she wants it.  i've been making sure she's seeing me smile more than not.  basically, i've been spoiling her with love but still maintaining order and discipline in her day.  i feel that i can't let my grieving for jonathan, which tends to show up in my life as impatience, interfere with doing the best i can with kate.  maybe what i've described sounds easy.  but for me, it's draining.

also quite draining has been five months of grieving for jonathan and missing him.  he's always in the back of my mind, no matter what i'm doing or what i'm thinking about.  i could be in the middle of laughing at something i find hilarious, and yet the sadness of jonathan being gone is there. 

it's been five months of fighting those thoughts that come to remind me that "by now", if he hadn't had that extra chromosome, he would be laughing.  rolling over. sitting up.

it's been five months of trying to keep the memory of him fresh; for me, for my family, for anyone who cares.

it's been five months (and much longer) of experiencing lesser trials that have stemmed from the greater trial of carrying and then losing jonathan, such as friendships being strained and lost, the reappearance of the elephant in the room, public negative reactions to our story, and an occasional sense of feeling alone or out of place, to name a few.

it's been five months of daily submission to the hard truth that God's plan to take him was better than my plan to keep him.

it's been five months of meditating on some very deep theological matters that, quite honestly, i have neither the spiritual maturity nor brain capacity to make much sense of any of it.

and on top of it all, God's been awfully quiet with me lately.  or maybe, i just can't hear Him right now.   which adds to the weariness, since the awareness of God's presence in our lives during my pregnancy and the months following had been extremely comforting.

yet, i do realize that all of these things i write about are not hidden from God, since He knows my every thought and prayer.  within a few days of voicing my weariness about everything to Him, He answered by leading me back to the scriptures that remind me that:

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ~Matthew 28:20

and then yesterday at church, we had a very powerful time of worship that focused on the verses James 1:2-4 that says...

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

and we sang the song, "count it all joy":

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When my troubles
Close me in on every side
 Lord, I’ll count it all joy
When this road of faith
Runs through the darkest night

For I know You’re at work in me
Yes I know You’ll provide
All the grace I need

You have always been my Rock
I will trust You forever, forever
You have never failed me God
I will trust You forever, forever

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When the weight of sorrow
Drives me to my knees

Every heartache and pain
In Your mighty hands
Is forming Christ in me

And I know that Your Word is true
Yes, I know every trial
Will only prove

Who can separate us
From You and Your great love

it was at that moment, i realized that although the weariness i was feeling was very real and possibly even justified, my attitude needed to be adjusted yet again.  i was not counting it all joy.

and then, we sang the song, "blessed be your name."  it probably wasn't a coincidence that this song was also performed at jonathan's funeral.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

we finished singing and one of the elders stood up to pray and he began by saying that while the Lord does choose to give and take away, He doesn't take away Jesus.  i didn't hear any more of the prayer because i knew that that was the cure for my attitude adjustment.
 
this whole time i have been mostly concerned with doing my best not to take kate for granted in the midst of my loss of jonathan, but i had in fact taken for granted the value of what i have been given through the gift of Christ.  through Christ, i have access to all of God's promises.  i have unconditional love from the Father.  He gives me the strength to overcome any loss.  He also reminds me that : "Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" ~Phillipians 3:7-8

i realize that lately, i have not been able to experience joy because i have focused too much on what i have lost, and not enough of what i have gained.  yes, there actually was gain from losing jonathan.  more than what i can comprehend in my limited abilities.  but i have seen enough to know that the gain is significant.  therefore, i haven't had a problem counting some of it joy, but i know it takes a greater faith to count it all joy. 

counting it all joy includes being pregnant with a sick baby.  counting it all joy includes losing friends and being publicly ridiculed because of the stance you take for your faith.  counting it all joy includes holding your baby while he dies.  counting it all joy includes living the rest of your life with a (insert name here)-sized hole in your heart.  the faith i want is the faith that still counts it all joy. 

therefore:

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:1-2

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." ~ Nehemiah 8:10

"You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11