This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at
17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although
Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give
him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story
are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6

To start at the beginning of our story, click here.


a new perspective

my speaking opportunity on monday went way better than i thought it would.  i am not a natural public speaker at all and i usually shy away from such things.  in fact, the thought of speaking to a large group nauseates me.  there is only one thing worse...skit night.  if you have been on a church retreat of any kind, you know what i'm talking about.  i would rather slam my finger in a car door than participate.  but i knew that monday's opportunity was something that i should do, even thought i knew it would be hard for me, especially emotionally.   

on the panel, it was myself, another mom and a grandmother taking turns speaking about our experiences of loss to a room full of nurses, chaplains, and social workers who were there for training on grief.  my sweet friend lindsey came with me since greg couldn't make it. she had participated on the panel last year and added a few helpful suggestions as well. 

our stories provided four unique perspectives on the loss of a baby.

there was a mom struggling with infertility and miscarriages.

the grandmother lost her grandson unexpectedly just 6 hours after he was born to an undiagnosed heart defect.

lindsey lost her precious gabrielle at 22 weeks.

and then there's me, who prepared for months for the death of my baby. 

even though our stories were very different, i was reminded that any experience of loss, whether it was a 6 week old pregnancy or a full term baby, is totally and completely devastating whether its expected or not.  i confess that i tend to minimize my loss with jonathan when i compare it to someone who unexpectedly loses a full-term baby. and on the other hand, it was mentioned that sometimes people downplay miscarriages because the baby is so small and undeveloped, or that the baby hasn't hit that magic number of 20+ weeks.  too many of my friends understand from experience that there is suffering even in the earliest of losses because the bond between mother and baby begins immediately.

as you know, statistically speaking, jonathan should have been a miscarriage.  i used to think that that would have been easier to deal with rather than meeting him and then having to say "goodbye" just 40 minutes after saying "hello." 

last week, a dear friend who is familiar with this sort of loss said something to me that really helped me to look at my loss through different eyes.  she said that she actually felt a little jealous that i got to meet my baby before he died.  you see, my friend did not have that option.  because i know my friend's heart, i know she said what she did to encourage me and to help me find even more good in my circumstances.  until that point, i had only thought of my loss from my own perspective and not from someone who had experienced something similar.

it made me realize that knowing even the most basic things about jonathan was a blessing and has greatly contributed to our memories of him that i would not have had he not survived as long as he did.  like being able to know his gender and to name him.  to feel him move and kick.  to indulge his food cravings.  to know his habits, such as his waking and sleeping patterns.  to bond with him.

i know plenty of people who, if given the option, would take a miscarriage over enduring a lengthy pregnancy destined to end in death.  i can't say i blame them.  but now, i've come to realize that i had the incomparable blessing of being able to meet jonathan.  to hold him.  to watch him open an eye.  to feel his heart beat.  to kiss him.  to tell him i love him.  and to let him go when it was time.

and i wouldn't trade it for a minute.

so back to monday.  yet again, God was faithful. thanks for praying for me! i was very comfortable speaking about my experience and about jonathan. there were a few tears here and there, but seriously, can you blame me? it was so, so good to talk about him. healing, in fact. the best part was getting to talk about what a blessing he was and continues to be to us. sometimes, i just can't get over how crazy that sounds. not ever in my wildest dreams did i think i would be boasting about the wonderful blessing of carrying a baby so sick that he died 40 minutes after he was born. i'm sure it sounds completely preposterous to some people. i tell you, only God can turn something so terribly devastating into something to be thankful for. it's at times when i'm starting to feel down about what i've gone through that He shows me i actually had it pretty good.  and only He can make me realize something like that.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness" ~Psalm 30:11


  1. Praise God for His faithfulness! It's been such a blessing to read about this journey of yours and I am sure that God is not done with your experience yet. God bless you and Greg and your little one as you continue on your journey with Him.

  2. I've gotten behind on my blog reading and didn't even know until now that you had this speaking engagement. I'm glad to hear it went well though and know the Lord used you on his behalf. Kinda funny that it occured on Jonathan's 4 month bday - Like God wanted you to have some good time to remember him. Love you!

  3. I am very happy that it went well for you and that you continue to heal. Your story is so filled with lessons for the people who care for people with situations similar to yours that I am curious what their response to your story was. You have said the care was excellent, but did you offer any insights for improvement? Did people who weren't there during your delivery and follow up care ask questions? Any other interactions at all ?

  4. Hi Lauren, I JUST now dug your comment out of my spam folder on my blog. Not sure why it landed there, but I'm glad to hear from you. Every story I hear like ours is so precious and unique. Just wanted to stop by and thank you for commenting. God bless you! -Megan

  5. I am so proud of you for getting out of your comfort zone to speak on this panel. I know it wasn't easy, but what a huge blessing it will be if others can learn to better help those who walk similar paths. Glad that you continue to allow God to use Jonathan's life to touch others...including me. Love you.

  6. You really are an amazing woman. God is good!

  7. I second that, you are an amazing woman!! Lauren, I love that you are always seeking a higher perspective. You are a light to this world, a city on a hill. We are blessed to see your authenticity and your devotion to the Lord. - Robin P.

  8. I laughed at your mention of 'skit night' and can relate! I am glad you felt like you made a difference and an impact.

    I have often had people who have suffered early miscarriages tell me that they were so sorry for us, and have said, "And I know it's nothing like you..."

    I feel heartbroken for them. I think that there really is something tragic for our story in that we had 10 years of infertility AND a failed adoption AND a PERFECTLY normal/healthy pregnancy that went full-term+ and STILL ended up with us losing Matthew to something SO rare...

    BUT---you are right. Mothers bond the second they know that little life is depending on them! They couldn't love that baby any less...and I always try to make sure that I appreciate their offers of sorrow for us but don't want them to devalue their loss or grief because it was early. There just isn't any way to rank grief--and it's just heartbreaking no matter how old your child is when you lose them.