God at work, part seven: rivers in the desert

continued from part six  (read first!)

two days later....

it was 5:00 in the morning and after a restless night of sleep, i was lying half awake in bed and a particular scripture was running through my head.

it wasn't a scripture i had recently read or heard, but it was definitely replaying itself over and over in my semi-consciousness. 

this is what it was:

“Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert."
~ Isaiah 43:18-19

i took note of it, rolled over and went back to sleep.

a couple of hours later, i was staring at this:

PREGNANT!!

our hearts are overflowing with joy and praise for this precious blessing! 

remember my desire and prayer to have a baby sometime in 2010?  well, our due date is 12/31/2010.  it makes me laugh everytime i think about that.  isn't that just like Him to do that?

later that morning i shared with greg the scripture that was in my mind and we both agree in faith that it can only be God's reassurance for us as we embark on this new journey that is sure to include some anxiousness. 

isn't He good?  no, isn't He GREAT?!

thank you for your prayers and praise on our behalf.
love,
lauren and greg

God at work, part six: silence doesn't mean absence

...continued from part five

i have been waiting for a couple of months to share the story about how the other idea i had to extend jonathan's legacy has come to fruition.

back in this blog post i shared about how the ministry "woven together" came to be (and i'm still working out some of the details.)

but here is the rest of the story.

awhile back, i wrote about how the six month mark was so hard for me.  i think it was partly because i came to a point where i didn't know how to extend jonathan's legacy, which of course, is of utmost importance to me.

after much prayer and consideration, i came to the conclusion that i am only really good at two things:  sewing and running.  how could i use these things for good?  the sewing part was obvious, and soon after, "woven together" came to be.  the only thing i could think about for running would be to have a race in memory of jonathan, that would raise money towards some sort of ministry, i wasn't sure what at the time.

then i got an email from a T-13 mom in canada who was inviting everyone she knew to join in a run/walk in memory of her son, josiah.  all of the proceeds would benefit their local NICU unit.  and this was so motivating to me.  this is what i needed to do for jonathan, and for the benefit of other babies like him.

however, the more i began to think of all of the arrangements and preparations this event would entail, i realized that such an event was more than just a one-family job.  if we were going to do it right, we were talking about dozens of volunteers, financial sponsors, t-shirts, race numbers, race event management, setting up a non-profit organization, and all sorts of coordinations with local personnel, such as EMTs for medical emergencies and police to handle traffic.  oh yeah, this was WAY above just me and my little dream for my son's memory. 

i felt i should just let it go as a lost cause, but something inside wouldn't let me.  i kept thinking about it and wondering what to do with it, but i still had no real direction.  besides, all of this was taking place during the time i felt that God was being more "silent" than He had with me previously. 

so late this spring, i had an appointment with my OB.  don't get excited, it was just for my annual check-up, and i was going to talk to her about the problems in my cycle that i had noticed.  and while i was there, somehow, the topic of extending jonathan's legacy came up. i explained that i had two ideas, but was probably going with the sewing idea because the running idea was out of my league.

and this is where it gets good.

after i went over my two ideas, she told me that for a few weeks now, God had really been laying on her heart that she needed to plan a race that would be in memory of the babies that had been lost by patients of hers over the last year or two.  the same idea also happened to be on the heart of another one of those patients.  she said that God had already given her a vision of the race route, which happened to include my church and the cemetery where jonathan was buried, and had given her a scripture to go along with the race.  she also said that the race would take place in october, which is national pregnancy and infant loss month (and the month jonathan was born.)  she already had sponsors in mind and other details in order.

i was in complete awe as she told me these things.  this is why i wasn't able to let go of the idea. my idea fit into her plans (God's plans!) perfectly, as now i would just be able to *help* others plan the race, and it didn't have to be some huge undertaking by just one person.

it was also amazing to me to realize that just because God had been silent with me, it didn't mean He wasn't at work behind the scenes. 

stay tuned for details about the first annual "Race for New Life 5K", coming this October!

*****

so while i was there, of course, i talked to her about the problems with my cycle and showed her all of my charts to "prove it."  and because of where i was in my cycle on that very day, she decided to give me a pregnancy test.  if it was negative, the next step was to come back in a couple of weeks for a progesterone test.

it was negative.

but for some reason, i didn't feel down about it this time around. perhaps because of the amazing conversation i had had with her at the appointment, i didn't doubt again that God wasn't at work, even if i couldn't see it all the time.

 stay tuned for part seven....

9 months

happy 9 months of heaven to my sweet jonathan today.  it's hard to believe that now he's been gone longer than he lived here with us. 

the good news is that we're getting closer to actually buying him a monument for his gravesite.    i went into a monument store this past tuesday to check out the options.  we pretty much already know what we want, but we just haven't followed through with the order.  i was doing pretty good emotionally until i heard the sales lady talking to a man who was making a monument order for his baby boy that just passed away july 2.  i heard him say that his wife got to hold the baby for 6 hours. 

and that's when i knew that i wasn't going to be able to be as strong as i thought i would be.

i also sure felt sorry for the sales lady.  two customers wanting monuments for two baby boys in the course of 15 minutes.  probably not her ideal sale. 

so hopefully we'll complete the order in the next week or two and have the monument in place by his first birthday. 

and that will be the last thing we have to do for him, to give him everything he "needs."

the finality of it all is quite depressing.

God at work, part five: encouragement through scripture

continued from part four...

i have never experienced something so devastating as empty arms.  the pregnancy was difficult, but the empty arms afterward...indescribable.  the feeling has lessened over the last several months as we've healed emotionally, but there are times when it's still hard of course.   i'm sure it was the feeling of empty arms shortly after jonathan's death that greatly increased my desire for another baby. (i didn't necessarily want the pregnancy that comes with it, only the baby, if that makes sense.)   i guess it is because of the relationship a mother has with her unborn baby, but i felt i knew jonathan long before he was born; his habits, his movements, his personality, his food cravings, etc., and perhaps this allowed me the ability to "let go" much sooner.  i did most of my grieving during my pregnancy with jonathan and i believe that's why i was ready for another baby before greg was.  like most dads, greg only really began his relationship with jonathan once he was born...and therefore didn't have as much time to enjoy him like i did.  for many weeks afterwards, having another baby was not even on the radar for greg.

after a couple more months of waiting patiently inpatiently and praying for my husband as he grieved, finally we were both ready to have another baby.  but it also meant i would have to face my fears of being pregnant again.  after talking through some of the fears mentioned in the previous post, we both felt a peace about moving forward with family plans.  and soon, for me, the fear was replaced with a very strong desire to have a healthy newborn in my arms by the end of this year.  it also didn't help this feeling of urgency when so many women i know are pregnant right now.  i think the count to date is up to about 25 friends/aquaintances...seriously.  God has been busy.

so...you can imagine my disappointment when i did not get pregnant right away.  for some reason, i foolishly thought that after what we had gone through, we would have a baby in our arms nine months after we decided to.  and then, month after month of not getting pregnant has been a bitter pill to swallow also.  but each time, it has been like God is asking me (again), "so do you trust Me or not?" 

ultimately, i know that God's timing is perfect.  His ways are perfect.  "But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." ~Psalm 33:11  but in my impatience and weakness, i determined that God needed help, so i did what i thought would help things along, so to speak, and i began reading fertility books and started "charting."  (not that there is anything wrong with this...but i believe i did it out of a lack of faith, which soon seeped into other areas of my life.)  and to make matters worse, charting showed me that i might have a problem with my cycle which could be an obstacle to us getting pregnant anytime soon...and a possible delay to the "timeline" i have going for myself.

it was then that i realized that i was spending more time reading those fertility and pregnancy books then i was spending time in scripture and prayer with the Creator of life Himself.

two years ago, i committed to reading the bible from start to finish. interestingly enough, as i was reading through the books on my own, often they would match up to things going on in my life.  for instance, i read about passover "coincidentally" just as we were celebrating passover at our church.  or i would read a scripture that was completely relevant to something i was experiencing in life at that moment.  it happened so often, that to call them "coincidences" would be ignorant of me.  i only took time off from reading chronologically while i was pregnant with jonathan and after his death since i studied scripture topically during that time.

and so when i picked up where i left off a few months ago, i feel like God has met me right where we left off, and has been using scripture to encourage me in all areas of my life, even in my journey to get pregnant.

here are a few examples...

back in march of this year and after finding out that yet, once again that i was not pregnant, i was reading through Nehemiah of all places.  the book of Nehemiah provides great illustration of how prayer and hard work can accomplish seemingly impossible things when a person trusts and obeys the Lord.   Nehemiah constantly prayed that God would remember him with favor for what he has done:  "Remember me for this, O my God, and do not blot out what I have so faithfully done for the house of my God and its services." ~Nehemiah 13:14

this scripture stuck out to me because i felt like it was something i could pray for myself; that God would remember what we went through with jonathan and He would look upon us with favor as we prayed for another baby.  now, i realize by saying this it may appear that i am boasting in "what i did" by carrying jonathan, or that i feel like i "deserve another baby" as a reward because we carried jonathan.  i certainly hope no one takes my words the wrong way.  we would have done the same whether a "reward" or "blessing" was going to be given at the end of it or not.  anyway, i know i don't deserve a single thing from God, but why not pray along the same lines that Nehemiah did?  it's in scripture for a reason, right? 

and then i came to the book of Job, which i was not excited about reading at all after what we had just experienced, but days after struggling through it, i finally came to the end and read about how the Lord restored to Job double everything he had lost.  God restored everything double!  whether that means literally double or just double the blessing, i decided why not pray for twice the blessing for ourselves after our loss?  can't hurt, right?  whether that means twins or just double the blessing for us, it didn't matter to me.

and finally, a very special person to me sent me this scripture she said the Lord laid on her heart for me during this time:  "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." ~Hebrews 10:35-36

no matter what the answer to my prayer would be, these scriptures were certainly encouraging either way.  never have i treasured scripture more in my life, and i know that this is harvested directly from my trial with jonathan.  i'm sorry that it took losing my son to draw me deeper into His Word, but now i am so thankful for these precious words that bring me such hope and encouragement.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." ~2 Timothy 16-17

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." ~Hebrews 4:12

and the journey continues...in part six.

God at work, part four: a new journey

i haven't spoken of this much, outside of my closest friends anyway, but i do feel like it is relevant to jonathan's journey:   the desire to expand our family with another baby and the various emotions that go along with it.

having another baby also happens to be something we get asked a lot about lately. well, not usually asked to our faces, but mostly filtered through our friends and family. i have learned to appreciate people's concern for us in this matter, as most truly just want us to see us move forward with life.

but this is exactly the issue i sometimes struggle with: moving on. without jonathan. with another baby. who isn't jonathan.

i think anyone who has experienced any kind of baby loss, whether it's an early miscarriage or an unexplained death of a completely healthy baby, can probably relate.  the months just keep marching along and there is still that void that jonathan leaves everyday. and a different void because our family is still not "complete", even though i gave birth to two babies.

so i assume it's normal to go through a myriad of emotions leading up to and during pregnancy following that loss.

for me, there is the guilt i've felt by thinking of having another baby; as if i am moving on without jonathan.  or replacing him with another baby, knowing good and well that he can't be replaced.

then there is an incredible sense of fear of carrying another pregnancy that would end in some kind of heartbreak again - that the proverbial lightning would strike twice. and, i've learned from others' stories that this is a very real possibility. (not necessarily trisomy 13, but some other kind of problem or miscarriage.)  i also have thoughts about whether my body was affected by working so hard to keep jonathan alive for 8 months.  so much about my pregnancy with him was abnormal...i sometimes wonder if my body can handle another pregnancy well. 

and then, of course, is the fear that we would not be able to have more children. we know this is always a possibility, as we're aware of a few friends' struggles with infertility.

so while these feelings probably seems reasonable, i also feel so wrong and guilty to feel this way.  after all that we went through and everything God provided for us, i have no reason NOT to trust Him in these matters.  in fact, i feel quite like an ancient israelite after feeding on manna in the desert, still questioning whether God is trustworthy.  and on a side note, i used to judge those israelites for doing that.  how could you not trust the God that you can hear, experience, not to mention actually witness the tangible provisions that He miraculously gave?  oh yeah.  now i know the feeling.

so God has been at work in my heart on this.  first, He gently brings it to my attention that perhaps i am not able to trust Him 100% with my children's lives, including future children.  and then He's been taking me on another incredible journey to trust Him with all the relevant details to having another baby.  it's a rather long story, so i'll be kind and break it up into segments. :)

to be continued...

i'll take it

i got a (seemingly legit) email the other day informing me that this blog (jonathan's journey) has placed #54 out of the top 60 "2010 Top Mom and Dad Blogs." 



two things:

1.  i did not know this existed
2.  it's a good thing they consider the top 60 blogs instead of top 50, right?

but i'll take it. 

as this blog was only originally intended to be a place where family and friends could check in on our pregnancy with jonathan, it amazing and humbling that anyone else would even care to read about our journey.  it has truly blessed us, the encouragement and prayers we've received from around the world.  thank you.

if you care to know more about the site that does the awarding, you can click here.

sweet feet

just in time for father's day, we received this wonderful keepsake pillow bearing jonathan's footprints from the ministry "cherished soles."  It's a small pillow embroidered with jonathan's name and birthdate on white linen.  i presented it to my husband as his gift from his son. 

the footprints are actual size.  look how tiny...

it had been awhile since i'd seen these sweet little feet, even though they are stamped in my bible.

i had forgotten just how small they are.  just how perfect they are.  just how kissable they were.

but as always, i was reminded of the amazing miracle that jonathan was and continues to be, eight and a half months later.  and the "cost" of carrying him (too high, as perceived by many) was worth every heartache just to meet him and kiss those feet.  not a single regret, instead, just peace and lots and lots of love.  i am so thankful for these precious moments with my son.

happy father's day to my wonderful husband.  jonathan couldn't have asked for a better daddy. 

kate and i love you so much and are so blessed to have you in our lives.

7 years and 8 months

yesterday, june 7th, greg and i celebrated 7 years of marriage!  it seems crazy to me that so much time has passed.   but i guess that's what happens when you're having fun.  two and a half of those years have been consumed with the joys of watching our precious daughter kate grow up and then the last 8 months of living without jonathan has just flown by as well.  i'm not quite sure i remember what we did before having kids.  we must have been pretty bored.  and as the saying goes, having kids is like having your heart walk around outside of your body.  if so, then losing a child is being not quite sure you will ever recover from having that heart broken.

*****

i heard the funniest thing at a baby shower the other day.  another mom was telling the new mom-to-be, "they say that when you are delivering a baby, that when the placenta comes out, it is actually your brain."  how true is that!  actually, i think once you are pregnant, you immediately begin losing brain cells that control your memory.  somehow, the baby just sucks them right out of you.  my husband would vouch for that one.

another time, i've heard someone explain it this way:   when you become a mother, there is always part of your brain that is devoted to and working non-stop thinking about your child(ren.)  i think this is absolutely true as well.  there is not a moment in the day when i am not thinking about something that has to do with kate or jonathan.  even though jonathan hasn't been here for 8 months, he is so deeply part of who i am, just like kate is, that he is always on my mind no matter what i am doing. 

it's true that i can be having a conversation with someone and making a list in my head of things i need to do for kate that day. just as it's true that i can be smiling or laughing and be grieving for jonathan at the same time.

talk about multi-tasking. 

and i won't even go into how draining it is to constantly think about/grieve for a baby that has passed away.  i'm surprised i even remember my own name some days.

but when i really consider my life and all that the last 7 years have held, i conclude that i am just so, so blessed.  i have a fantastic husband who is just as fantastic a father to my children.  we have unconditional love and support from our parents.  i have a daughter who makes the "terrible twos" look like the "terrific twos."  and i have a son who has taught me that even in loss, there is incredible joy and blessing throughout the journey.

i truly have so much to be thankful for.

*****

greg and i celebrated in destin with a TON of sushi and hibachi and then took a walk on the beach, possibly for the last time before the oil hits.  it was right at dusk and in the distance all around were some incredible thunderstorms brewing, sending the occasional streak of lightning here and there.  we felt like tourists, taking in the white sand and clear green waters as if it was the last time we would see it for awhile.  and unfortunately, it just may be true for us. 

here are some of our beach pictures...

a song for this part of the journey

this song has meant so much to me on this particular part of my journey, that i wanted to share it. everytime it comes on the radio, i have to stop and give thanks for everything the Lord has done for me. i hope you'll take the time to listen and read the lyrics. by the way, i did not make the video, but it was the best one i found for this song.



Healing Hand of God
Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces,
I fear in the pain.
I have watched the tears fall plenty,
From heart ache and strength.
So if life's journey,
Has you weary and afraid.
There's rest in the shadow of his wings.

I have walked through the valleys,
The mountains and plains.
I have held the hand of freedom,
It washes all my stains.
If you feel the weight of many trials,
And burdens from this world.
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord.

Chorus:
I have seen,
The healing hand of God,
Reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God.

I have touched the scars upon His hands,
To see if they were real.
He has walked the road before me,
He knows just how I feel.
When you feel there is not anyone,
Who understands your pain,
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering.

(Chorus)

Cast all your cares on Him,
For He cares for you.
He's near to the broken and confused.
By His stripes,
Our spirit is renewed.
So enter in the joy prepared for you.

(Chorus)

The healing hand of God (x2)
And hold on to what's being held out (x2)
The healing hand of God

God at work, part three: woven together

on june 24, 2009, we helplessly watched the ultrasound screen at our appointment with the maternal-fetal specialist, as he explained to us all the abnormalities he was seeing in our son's body. 

and then, the news:  our son would die, most likely in utero.  maybe within days, maybe within weeks.  his chance of survival after birth was almost non-existent.

how could this have happened?  did God make some huge mistake when creating our son?

no relevant information could be found in any pregnancy book i owned.  so those books were put away and we turned to the scriptures for answers.

what we found was that jonathan was woven together by God exactly the way he was supposed to be and that his days were ordained long before he was conceived. (Psalm 139.) 

introducing:  woven together

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am

fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together

in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

~ Psalm 139:13-16

woven together is the name of the ministry i am working on, which aims to honor pre-born babies who are purposefully created in such a way that they receive a devastating prenatal diagnosis, as well as to encourage mothers as they bravely choose life while facing eventual loss. 

each prenatally-diagnosed baby will receive a  personalized, embroidered preemie baby blanket, personally "woven together" by me.  the idea is not original or complex, obviously, but i think something that makes it extra special is that the name or monogram of each baby will be embroidered on the blanket.  i believe every mother who is facing or has experienced a loss understands the importance the child's name being remembered, and of a lasting personalized keepsake. 

for those mothers who experience an unexpected loss during or shortly after birth for any reason, my plan is to embroider the name or monogram of their babies onto a piece of fabric that can be used as a quilt square, a photo album cover, in a framed photo set or shadow box, the front of a pillow, or other keepsake project.  the possibilities are endless.  i've decided to make it a more "do it yourself" type of keepsake, because it allows for many keepsake ideas and possibilities, as well as the satisfaction of making something special for your child. 

i am truly honored to be able to offer encouragement to those mothers who are walking the same difficult road as i am, as well as to do something for others in memory of my precious son jonathan.  right now, i am prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance on this ministry, and am expecting it to evolve somewhat as certain needs or requests come to light. 

eventually i'll post more details, contact info, etc. 

i would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions as well by way of a comment. :)

God at work, part two: healing and a new ministry

part of what God's been working on in my heart these days is healing.  it's been a long process, and it's not over yet.  but the more i draw close to Him through prayer and reading scripture, the more i can truly feel Him binding up my wounds. 

i never realized until this year just how many scriptures are about the sorrows we all will experience here on earth and how, with God's grace and mercy, He leads us through the trials we face and we become stronger because of them.  i'm guessing that i never noticed them all because until this past year, i had never had moments where i truly didn't know how we were going to make it through each day; where waking up each morning meant we were another day closer to my son dying.  the promises to me in those scriptures were the only hope i had to survive the nightmare i was living.

and now when i re-read those scriptures, i am at peace.  comforted.  but i'm especially joyful, because my God did not let me down.  every promise came true.  and now i know, from experience, that He is absolutely trustworthy and good. 

and that, my friends, is where i began noticing healing in my heart. 

in the past couple of months, i've seen healing in my life in other ways:  i've held my first newborn that wasn't jonathan. my sister's baby, sophie, was born in march.  i found out that my sister was pregnant a day or two after i found out that jonathan would die.  i wasn't sure how i would feel about sophie after she was born, but to my surprise, i'm actually OK about it all.  i've even enjoyed being around her (and not in some i-want-to-steal-your-baby kind of way. in case you're wondering.)  but mostly, i know that jonathan fulfilled a purpose in his short life, and he did it well. and i'm proud of him; proud to be his mommy. i wouldn't want it any other way.  no other baby could fulfill what jonathan accomplished.

sweet baby sophie

i've also attended my first baby shower, which happened to be for my dear friend lindsey, who i occasionally mention in this blog and as you'll remember, she lost her baby gabrielle at 22 weeks. she's now due in a couple of days with her baby boy, luke. being at her shower was not uncomfortable for me at all, and i wouldn't have missed it for anything. my gift to her included about five baby items that i enjoyed handmaking for her.  and that's another example of how i know i'm healing:  it doesn't bother me one bit to make cute baby items for other people's healthy babies or for baby showers.

two of my favorite friends, cathy and lindsey

and that's why now i feel is the time to start using my sewing ability to encourage others who are walking a similarly difficult road as i am.  it's one of the two things i have in mind to do for jonathan's legacy.

it all starts with a story about my sewing room. 

about two years ago, when my sewing hobby was becoming a small business, i decided to turn one of our extra bedrooms into my sewing room.  some people have guest bedrooms, some people have dens or offices, and i've even heard of some people having man-caves.  so having a sewing room was like having my very own get-away room...and freed up my dining room again for dining.  but not that we ever use it for dining anyway.  (who does??)

so you can imagine my predicament when i became pregnant with baby number two (jonathan.)  i hoped he would be a girl so i could stick her in a crib in kate's bedroom and keep my sewing room.  and yes, i realize how selfish this is, but at this time i was busy, busy, busy and needed a place i could spread out and work.  and, i had my sewing room just the way i wanted it.  i know:  selfish.

when we were in my OB's office on june 22nd of last year, getting that fateful ultrasound, we actually found out that we were having a boy before our doctor discovered any problems.

i was in shock that i was having a boy.  i had been sick for several weeks, just like i had been with kate.  i just assumed because of this, i was having another girl.  and in that moment of shock, several things ran through my mind as i tried to grasp i was going to have a baby boy.  and one of those things, i'm embarrased to admit, was that i was going to have to give up my sewing room.

a few seconds later, my doctor discovered our baby had a cleft lip, a marker for a genetic disorder, specifically trisomy 13.

so, given what transpired in the days and months to follow, with the diagnosis of trisomy 13 and severe heart defects, and then jonathan's eventual birth and death....whether to keep a sewing room or make it into a nursery becomes completely, absurdly trite, doesn't it?  what i wouldn't give up to have my baby boy here, happy and healthy. 

well, in a horribly ironic twist of fate, i got to keep my sewing room after all, and learned a hard lesson in perspective through my circumstances.  i quit sewing for several months and canceled all my orders.  most of what i sew is for babies and toddlers anyway, so there was another reminder i didn't need during that time.

it wasn't until the end of september that i picked it back up, when i realized how sewing could be therapy.  when you sew, you focus and concentrate on every stitch, every cut, making sure it's precise.  there isn't much room to think about anything else, lest you make a mistake.  even at the end of my pregnancy, when i would sew, it was the only time i wasn't thinking about having a baby that was going to die.

seven months later, sewing is still therapy to me.  i'm back in the swing of things and people are having lots of healthy babies, so business is good.  but i also want to do something to honor the babies who have been diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition prenatally, and those babies who are born still or die shortly after birth.  i am completely convinced that each of these children have just as great a purpose in life as any healthy child, but with a shorter life span.  and as proven in jonathan's life, as well as many other babies who have died that i know of, God can take the least of us and glorify Himself the most.

more details to come.

where i've been....

...in case you've been wondering.

for the last week or so, i've been here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

enjoying it before it's gone....

7 months and mother's day

remembering my sweet jonathan today and thinking about all the other mothers i know who have also lost a baby.

i am praying for God to bless you this mother's day.

love,
lauren

God at work, part one (and another prayer request)

the next several blogs will be written as a series entitled, "God at work" and will record some of the amazing ways He's been active in my life lately.

*****

looking back over the past six months (almost 7 months now) of life without jonathan, and being able to analyze that time without the bias of sadness lately, i've come to realize that there's another factor that plays largely into the difficulty of the six-month milestone.

and that is, what happens now?  where does jonathan's legacy go from here?

yesterday, i was talking with another mom of a baby in heaven, and we both agreed that it really is so important to us that the memory of our lost children continue somehow.  and the longer that child is gone, the harder it is to accomplish, it seems.  for me, it was at six months that i reached a point of feeling like i needed to do something more than just my blogging.  i needed to do something to extend jonathan's legacy that would also benefit moms who are just embarking on this difficult journey i've been on for almost a year now.  to "pay it forward", so to speak.

so, for the past several weeks now, i've been praying about and brainstorming ways to extend jonathan's legacy. 

and i've realized that i'm only good at two things.  that's right, just two.  it's humbling, but the Lord has shown me that i can use both of those things in my overall mission.  so i'm OK with it.  :)

i'll be introducing them seperately in future blog posts.

*****

i have another prayer request if anyone is willing to pray for this....

as you know, i live on the emerald coast of florida, which is located right on the gulf of mexico, between pensacola and panama city.  it includes the cities of destin, fort walton beach, and niceville, plus two large air force bases and several other small towns.  we have snow white beaches and crystal green-blue water, and the best seafood anywhere.

in a matter of days, our entire gulf coast is probably going to be devastated by the oil spill off the coast of louisiana.  devastated as in, catastrophic loss of animal life, ecosystems destroyed, people's livelihoods ruined, and our tourism industry (basically, our economy)  tanked.  it has the potential to create damage we might not recover from for years and years.  i know our God is sovereign and there is nothing that comes to a surprise to Him, but i also believe He has the power to step in and minimize the damage to not only our area, but to the other affected states as well.  please pray for this on our behalf, if you are so willing.

in the meantime, i'll be spending my time at the beach and eating shrimp until the oil rolls in.

a sincere thanks,
lauren

update on baby joshua

joshua was born this morning, via c-section.

he was born alive, and lived for about an hour and a half.

their pastor came and baptized joshua before he passed away, a symbol of dedicating him to the Lord.

i am so thankful to the Lord for giving this family these precious moments with their son.

please continue to lift this family up for healing.

thank you so much for praying!!

another prayer request

please be in prayer for my friend, kristi, and her family as she goes in to deliver her baby joshua tomorrow morning at 7:30 CST.   joshua has trisomy 18, which is also considered "not compatible with life" by medical standards.

please pray that joshua is born alive and that his family gets to spend some precious moments with him.

please pray for peace and comfort for kristi and her family.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

a quick update

a lot has happened since i last wrote.  my last blog entry reflected a dip i had experienced in this journey of highs and lows, and i got several emails from people making sure i was OK.  the six month milestone was more difficult than i had expected, but truthfully, i should have expected it to be hard.  but overall, i'm doing well.  we're doing well, all three of us.  really, there are so many more good days than bad.  i'm so thankful that this journey of loss actually can have good days! and not just here and there. many, many good days. it's a bit paradoxical, i realize.  but because my blog tends to be my therapy, so to speak, the lows get recorded just as often as the highs. 

so lately, both my journey of faith and my journey to healing have been very active lately in very good ways.  it always happens this way:  i have a bad day or two of missing my baby boy and the Lord responds with an abundance of love and peace.  gosh, i love that Man.

He's also apparently been very busy behind the scenes since the last time i blogged, orchestrating meetings and events, answering prayers, revealing new things and sharing perfectly timed scripture with me during my quiet times and to me through other people.  all things some would consider mere "coincidences."  and, all these events and scriptures are connected and intertwined with each other like a huge spider web.  i want to share all the details with you so you will be as amazed as i am at what's been going on, but i'm just not even sure where to start.  it might have to be told through a series of future blogs. 

but for now it's just important that everyone knows we're doing OK.  thank you from the bottom of our hearts for continuing to care for us, pray for us and write to us.

and stay tuned!  :)

six months of loss

i haven't written much lately because i haven't had much to say, i guess.

i'll be honest: the six month mark was hard for me.

i heard that around four to six months can be the hardest time after a loss.  i didn't know it would happen to me until the other day when a sweet friend, who i had not seen in almost a year, asked me to tell her all about jonathan.

normally, i would jump at the chance and proudly talk about one of my favorite subjects.  instead, through tears, all i could get out was that i didn't know what to say about him anymore.

it was six months ago now since i last saw him. it feels like such a long time has passed since i've held my sweet boy. and it wasn't like i could tell her what he had been up to lately or what milestones he had reached, as much as i would have liked to.

and maybe that's what's so hard about six months for me; that my loss is not just the loss of my newborn.  it's the loss of my two-month-old who loves to smile.  it's the loss of my three-month-old who might be rolling over.  or my four-month-old who just discovered the joys of laughing.  or my five-month-old who is sitting up.  or my six month old who is starting solid foods.  and on.  and on.

and so i'm aware that every month that jonathan might have lived, the losses will continue to multiply. 

i realize that today i'm focusing on the losses and not the gains we've witnessed from jonathan's life.  trust me, i believe that the gains were even more significant than the loss.  really.   i'm especially aware that our loss is his gain because he's in heaven where there are no tears; no pain. he is healed and perfect.

at the same time, i know that the losses i'm counting are simply worldly.  not the loss of jonathan himself, of course, but the experiences i'm missing out on with him.  the bible makes it clear that as a believer, i will see jonathan again in heaven and even possibly get to raise him there.  as in, i didn't miss out after all.  gosh, if i could just wrap my mind around that fully, i know i would feel completely comforted and appeased.

it's just that lately, i am really missing him.  and i can comprehend that more than i can fully comprehend complex biblical truths that require faith, not sight.  and so, the journey of faith continues (as it should.) 

so in spite of feeling this way, i'm trying to remember that while these losses are great, i still have everything i need.  i love this quote a friend posted on facebook:

"Let your pious hearts be comforted under the loss of all terrestrial vanities [earthly things]. Let them shout for joy under all trials and crosses. For under the loss of all things, you possess all things still. The immortal God is yours; and in Him you have all and need no more." - Edward Griffin

6 months

remembering my sweet jonathan today...

hope for healing

this year, easter was bittersweet.

bitter, obviously, because my son was not here to participate in our family's traditions of egg hunting, attending church, and then a big dinner with both of our families.  i didn't get to dress him up.  i didn't get to make him an easter basket.  and i didn't get to watch kate steal eggs out of his basket, as i suspect she would have done if he were here. 

bitter, because this year, our traditions were broadened to include visiting our baby boy's gravesite.

bitter, because at the egg hunt i happened to stand right next to a new father, who proudly gushed about his five-month-old baby boy's recent milestones; how he was just starting to army crawl a little bit.  in the split second i allowed myself to look at the baby, i noticed how adorably chubby he was.  i guessed he weighed somewhere around 17 pounds. 

and then i looked away. 

i definitely felt bitter.  actually, more like crushed.  wounded.

*****

i love how God, through His word, has a way of gently reminding me of who He is, what He has done for me, and why i shouldn't be so focused on the temporal all the time.  yes, my pain is real.  yes, life is not the same without jonathan.  but if i focus on those sorrows without remembering the true significance of easter, then of course it will be bitter. 

i am reminded what crushed and wounded really means in Isaiah 53:4-6:

"Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all." 

and suddenly it wasn't so bitter anymore.

the sweetness of this truth is that i have a God who knows my pain.  who also willingly suffered incomprehensible pain on the cross. 

for me. 

so that i would have hope, as i suffer in this fallen world, to be fully healed one day. 

and hope that one day i will celebrate easter with my precious jonathan.