six months of loss

i haven't written much lately because i haven't had much to say, i guess.

i'll be honest: the six month mark was hard for me.

i heard that around four to six months can be the hardest time after a loss.  i didn't know it would happen to me until the other day when a sweet friend, who i had not seen in almost a year, asked me to tell her all about jonathan.

normally, i would jump at the chance and proudly talk about one of my favorite subjects.  instead, through tears, all i could get out was that i didn't know what to say about him anymore.

it was six months ago now since i last saw him. it feels like such a long time has passed since i've held my sweet boy. and it wasn't like i could tell her what he had been up to lately or what milestones he had reached, as much as i would have liked to.

and maybe that's what's so hard about six months for me; that my loss is not just the loss of my newborn.  it's the loss of my two-month-old who loves to smile.  it's the loss of my three-month-old who might be rolling over.  or my four-month-old who just discovered the joys of laughing.  or my five-month-old who is sitting up.  or my six month old who is starting solid foods.  and on.  and on.

and so i'm aware that every month that jonathan might have lived, the losses will continue to multiply. 

i realize that today i'm focusing on the losses and not the gains we've witnessed from jonathan's life.  trust me, i believe that the gains were even more significant than the loss.  really.   i'm especially aware that our loss is his gain because he's in heaven where there are no tears; no pain. he is healed and perfect.

at the same time, i know that the losses i'm counting are simply worldly.  not the loss of jonathan himself, of course, but the experiences i'm missing out on with him.  the bible makes it clear that as a believer, i will see jonathan again in heaven and even possibly get to raise him there.  as in, i didn't miss out after all.  gosh, if i could just wrap my mind around that fully, i know i would feel completely comforted and appeased.

it's just that lately, i am really missing him.  and i can comprehend that more than i can fully comprehend complex biblical truths that require faith, not sight.  and so, the journey of faith continues (as it should.) 

so in spite of feeling this way, i'm trying to remember that while these losses are great, i still have everything i need.  i love this quote a friend posted on facebook:

"Let your pious hearts be comforted under the loss of all terrestrial vanities [earthly things]. Let them shout for joy under all trials and crosses. For under the loss of all things, you possess all things still. The immortal God is yours; and in Him you have all and need no more." - Edward Griffin