This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at
17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although
Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give
him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story
are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6

To start at the beginning of our story, click here.

4.16.2010

six months of loss

i haven't written much lately because i haven't had much to say, i guess.

i'll be honest: the six month mark was hard for me.

i heard that around four to six months can be the hardest time after a loss.  i didn't know it would happen to me until the other day when a sweet friend, who i had not seen in almost a year, asked me to tell her all about jonathan.

normally, i would jump at the chance and proudly talk about one of my favorite subjects.  instead, through tears, all i could get out was that i didn't know what to say about him anymore.

it was six months ago now since i last saw him. it feels like such a long time has passed since i've held my sweet boy. and it wasn't like i could tell her what he had been up to lately or what milestones he had reached, as much as i would have liked to.

and maybe that's what's so hard about six months for me; that my loss is not just the loss of my newborn.  it's the loss of my two-month-old who loves to smile.  it's the loss of my three-month-old who might be rolling over.  or my four-month-old who just discovered the joys of laughing.  or my five-month-old who is sitting up.  or my six month old who is starting solid foods.  and on.  and on.

and so i'm aware that every month that jonathan might have lived, the losses will continue to multiply. 

i realize that today i'm focusing on the losses and not the gains we've witnessed from jonathan's life.  trust me, i believe that the gains were even more significant than the loss.  really.   i'm especially aware that our loss is his gain because he's in heaven where there are no tears; no pain. he is healed and perfect.

at the same time, i know that the losses i'm counting are simply worldly.  not the loss of jonathan himself, of course, but the experiences i'm missing out on with him.  the bible makes it clear that as a believer, i will see jonathan again in heaven and even possibly get to raise him there.  as in, i didn't miss out after all.  gosh, if i could just wrap my mind around that fully, i know i would feel completely comforted and appeased.

it's just that lately, i am really missing him.  and i can comprehend that more than i can fully comprehend complex biblical truths that require faith, not sight.  and so, the journey of faith continues (as it should.) 

so in spite of feeling this way, i'm trying to remember that while these losses are great, i still have everything i need.  i love this quote a friend posted on facebook:

"Let your pious hearts be comforted under the loss of all terrestrial vanities [earthly things]. Let them shout for joy under all trials and crosses. For under the loss of all things, you possess all things still. The immortal God is yours; and in Him you have all and need no more." - Edward Griffin

5 comments:

  1. Hi Lauren. I don't know if your church provides them but this month's Home Life magazine by Lifeway has an article about the woman who wrote the song "I will carry you." It was really good and it made me think of you. If they dont have them at your church, I can copy it out of mine. My email is ashleys7786@yahoo.com. I live in Crestview so getting it to you would be no problem.

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  2. Oh Lauren...your words echo what is so strongly on my heart right now...what has been for the last few weeks and I fear isn't going away for a bit...You are SO right in that it is just unmistakeable how intense missing them is and so difficult to fully grasp the hope that we can have with our faith. Like Beth Moore always says...Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge...and Heart Knowledge sure is STRONG and raw.
    Lifting you up in love and prayers daily! xoxo

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  3. I remember so vividly how difficult EVERY month of the first year was like it was yesterday, mourning the loss not only of my sweet Elijah, but the loss of experiencing every single milestone. On April 22, our family will celebrate his 3rd birthday. In many ways, it feels like just yesterday, but to my arms, it feels like an ETERNITY. Praying for you as the Holy Spirit leads.

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  4. Love that quote, it brought tears to my eyes because it is so true. As always, I am grieving and longing right along with you. Although I am sorry for our loss, you are right, it is their gain! Praise God for Jesus!

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  5. Allison GorrebeeckApril 24, 2010 at 8:30 AM

    I love you!

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