this year, easter was bittersweet.
bitter, obviously, because my son was not here to participate in our family's traditions of egg hunting, attending church, and then a big dinner with both of our families. i didn't get to dress him up. i didn't get to make him an easter basket. and i didn't get to watch kate steal eggs out of his basket, as i suspect she would have done if he were here.
bitter, because this year, our traditions were broadened to include visiting our baby boy's gravesite.
bitter, because at the egg hunt i happened to stand right next to a new father, who proudly gushed about his five-month-old baby boy's recent milestones; how he was just starting to army crawl a little bit. in the split second i allowed myself to look at the baby, i noticed how adorably chubby he was. i guessed he weighed somewhere around 17 pounds.
and then i looked away.
i definitely felt bitter. actually, more like crushed. wounded.
*****
i love how God, through His word, has a way of gently reminding me of who He is, what He has done for me, and why i shouldn't be so focused on the temporal all the time. yes, my pain is real. yes, life is not the same without jonathan. but if i focus on those sorrows without remembering the true significance of easter, then of course it will be bitter.
i am reminded what crushed and wounded really means in Isaiah 53:4-6:
"Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."
and suddenly it wasn't so bitter anymore.
the sweetness of this truth is that i have a God who knows my pain. who also willingly suffered incomprehensible pain on the cross.
for me.
so that i would have hope, as i suffer in this fallen world, to be fully healed one day.
and hope that one day i will celebrate easter with my precious jonathan.
4.05.2010
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Amen to that. We WILL celebrate with our children one day. Lots of love to ou, Lauren. You are always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lauren...definitely was thinking of you as well...My heart just broke reading that you were near that proud new father...and his sweet little boy. Of course we will come across that for the rest of our lives, but like you said...some days, it just digs so deeply into an already horrible wound.
ReplyDeleteBut, as you said, praise God--we'll see our sons again!! I sometimes fall asleep thinking of that and just can't even begin to imagine! I just think of SCC--"God, you know I just can't see beyond that door...."
I want to....I dream of it...but can't even fathom it--At the end of every church service, my pastor always says, "Maranatha" (The Lord is coming soon!) and I have to admit that before Matthew, I said that out of response more than meaning.
But now...with the promise of my little boy---do I ever belt that out!!!
Lifting you up, friend!
Hey Lauren! How I wish Kate could have stolen Jonathan's eggs from him yesterday!
ReplyDeleteToday is my birthday, but for some reason, all that was on my heart today was not that it is April 5, my birthday, but that it is almost April 8, which means it's been 6 months since Jonathan was born. Why I remember that milestone, I'm not sure. Probably because Jonathan's life and your journey have touched me so deeply. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you during this time. I am thankful for all that you and Jonathan have shared and taught us, but grieving with you for his loss at the same time.
We just started a series at church called "Pierced" with these verses as the focal point. It brings such awe to me to know that God WILLINGLY suffered the heartache of the death of his own son to bring us new life. That Jesus WILLINGLY went through the pain of death on the cross to take the payment for our sin. I know I don't willingly go through much in this life, especially the hard things, but I am so thankful for a God who loves us enough to do that very thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat a peace the resurrection brings to us because we know that by the death and life of Jesus we will not only get to spend eternity with our God, but we will see our babies again.
Love you friend and am praying for continued healing of your heart.
You will celebrate many more easters with him than not. I always remember you, Greg, and Kate in prayer. Your unwavering faith never ceases to amaze me. And I'm so glad we moved back here and you and I have reconnected! I'm looking forward to "little buddy time" with Miss Kate :)
ReplyDelete-Kari
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteA friend from church delivered her baby boy two days after I had Henry, in the same hospital, with the same doctor. She was admitted one day after I delivered Henry. Before I left the hospital, I asked my nurse to take me to see her. It turns out that he had breathing complications and was in the NICU. We sat there in her room and sobbed... both of us for our little boys. Titus (her baby) thankfully made a full recovery and is now happy and healthy. I see him at church every week and I am reminded of that time in my life every time. Titus is two days younger than Henry, and every time I see him I think about what Henry might be doing now if he were here. Easter was bittersweet for me also, but the reason for Easter was the sweet part.