This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at
17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although
Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give
him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story
are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6

To start at the beginning of our story, click here.


God at work, part four: a new journey

i haven't spoken of this much, outside of my closest friends anyway, but i do feel like it is relevant to jonathan's journey:   the desire to expand our family with another baby and the various emotions that go along with it.

having another baby also happens to be something we get asked a lot about lately. well, not usually asked to our faces, but mostly filtered through our friends and family. i have learned to appreciate people's concern for us in this matter, as most truly just want us to see us move forward with life.

but this is exactly the issue i sometimes struggle with: moving on. without jonathan. with another baby. who isn't jonathan.

i think anyone who has experienced any kind of baby loss, whether it's an early miscarriage or an unexplained death of a completely healthy baby, can probably relate.  the months just keep marching along and there is still that void that jonathan leaves everyday. and a different void because our family is still not "complete", even though i gave birth to two babies.

so i assume it's normal to go through a myriad of emotions leading up to and during pregnancy following that loss.

for me, there is the guilt i've felt by thinking of having another baby; as if i am moving on without jonathan.  or replacing him with another baby, knowing good and well that he can't be replaced.

then there is an incredible sense of fear of carrying another pregnancy that would end in some kind of heartbreak again - that the proverbial lightning would strike twice. and, i've learned from others' stories that this is a very real possibility. (not necessarily trisomy 13, but some other kind of problem or miscarriage.)  i also have thoughts about whether my body was affected by working so hard to keep jonathan alive for 8 months.  so much about my pregnancy with him was abnormal...i sometimes wonder if my body can handle another pregnancy well. 

and then, of course, is the fear that we would not be able to have more children. we know this is always a possibility, as we're aware of a few friends' struggles with infertility.

so while these feelings probably seems reasonable, i also feel so wrong and guilty to feel this way.  after all that we went through and everything God provided for us, i have no reason NOT to trust Him in these matters.  in fact, i feel quite like an ancient israelite after feeding on manna in the desert, still questioning whether God is trustworthy.  and on a side note, i used to judge those israelites for doing that.  how could you not trust the God that you can hear, experience, not to mention actually witness the tangible provisions that He miraculously gave?  oh yeah.  now i know the feeling.

so God has been at work in my heart on this.  first, He gently brings it to my attention that perhaps i am not able to trust Him 100% with my children's lives, including future children.  and then He's been taking me on another incredible journey to trust Him with all the relevant details to having another baby.  it's a rather long story, so i'll be kind and break it up into segments. :)

to be continued...


  1. My baby went to be with the Lord on August 12, 2008. A month and a half later I was pregnant again and having mixed feelings about it. I was feeling guilty, as I did not want to replace my baby. I am about to give birth to my baby girl and still struggle with happiness and sadness at the same time. I still cry over not having my baby boy. But I'm happy that I will get to hold and love my little girl too. May God bless you and give you strength for the journey. It has not been easy, I wake up at night wondering why the baby is not moving, and what if something happens to her at birth, what if there's an illness or something that we don't know about. I have learned that I have no control over those things and that I can only trust in God and He will decide what He will give me. Thanks for sharing your journey and hope all the best for you. Christopher’s mommy.

  2. I can totally relate to every word you wrote. Thanks for sharing. I'm anxiously awaiting the 'to be continued.'

  3. One of the things I love about hearing what God is doing is doing in your life is seeing how gentle He is.

  4. Lauren - I pray for you every day... We love you and pray that if God does bring you another baby, that the baby and the pregnancy will be normal and healthy. And that the emotions that go with it will be more joyous than sad.
    Much love,

  5. DITTO!!!! Unfortunately, we have not been able to conceive. It has been 3 1/2 very long years since Elijah's passing. After struggling with the Lord through all of my trust issues and fear issues, still a daily struggle to entrust I might add, we realized that we would be facing the infertility battle again. Arg. Just another trust struggle. Will heaven ever come soon enough???