i haven't spoken of this much, outside of my closest friends anyway, but i do feel like it is relevant to jonathan's journey: the desire to expand our family with another baby and the various emotions that go along with it.
having another baby also happens to be something we get asked a lot about lately. well, not usually asked to our faces, but mostly filtered through our friends and family. i have learned to appreciate people's concern for us in this matter, as most truly just want us to see us move forward with life.
but this is exactly the issue i sometimes struggle with: moving on. without jonathan. with another baby. who isn't jonathan.
i think anyone who has experienced any kind of baby loss, whether it's an early miscarriage or an unexplained death of a completely healthy baby, can probably relate. the months just keep marching along and there is still that void that jonathan leaves everyday. and a different void because our family is still not "complete", even though i gave birth to two babies.
so i assume it's normal to go through a myriad of emotions leading up to and during pregnancy following that loss.
for me, there is the guilt i've felt by thinking of having another baby; as if i am moving on without jonathan. or replacing him with another baby, knowing good and well that he can't be replaced.
then there is an incredible sense of fear of carrying another pregnancy that would end in some kind of heartbreak again - that the proverbial lightning would strike twice. and, i've learned from others' stories that this is a very real possibility. (not necessarily trisomy 13, but some other kind of problem or miscarriage.) i also have thoughts about whether my body was affected by working so hard to keep jonathan alive for 8 months. so much about my pregnancy with him was abnormal...i sometimes wonder if my body can handle another pregnancy well.
and then, of course, is the fear that we would not be able to have more children. we know this is always a possibility, as we're aware of a few friends' struggles with infertility.
so while these feelings probably seems reasonable, i also feel so wrong and guilty to feel this way. after all that we went through and everything God provided for us, i have no reason NOT to trust Him in these matters. in fact, i feel quite like an ancient israelite after feeding on manna in the desert, still questioning whether God is trustworthy. and on a side note, i used to judge those israelites for doing that. how could you not trust the God that you can hear, experience, not to mention actually witness the tangible provisions that He miraculously gave? oh yeah. now i know the feeling.
so God has been at work in my heart on this. first, He gently brings it to my attention that perhaps i am not able to trust Him 100% with my children's lives, including future children. and then He's been taking me on another incredible journey to trust Him with all the relevant details to having another baby. it's a rather long story, so i'll be kind and break it up into segments. :)
to be continued...