remembering jonathan at christmas

i've been contemplating which thoughts to post here lately. our journey with jonathan has certainly had it's share of mountains and valleys, and the same is true of our time of grieving for our loss. most of the time my posts are constructed of thoughts over a period of days but lately my thoughts are scattered all over the place and cannot be pieced together to make any sense. on a day where i might feel sad and consider writing one thing, it is countered the next day with joy and i feel like writing something else.

this thing called grief can be very paradoxical at times.

it is how i feel with christmas being right around the corner. sad that there are four stockings hung and only three of us to enjoy them. sad that the only tangible hint of jonathan anywhere is the ornament on our tree that bears his footprints. sad because we are experiencing another "first" without our baby boy. i admit, these thoughts take away a little of the sparkle out of the season for me.

and yet, every day it seems, my spirits are gently lifted in some way. to this day, we still get a card in the mail here or there with someone telling us how they are praying for us. or i receive an encouraging email from someone, telling me how much jonathan's life has touched them. it always comes at the right time.

isn't that just like God to do that?

it is so important to me that jonathan's memory continues. i will always have the memories of my pregnancy and then the 40 minutes we had with him. i get to say that i have "two kids." just because jonathan's life was short does not diminish the fact that he lived. but, i don't get to make any new memories. and i suppose i'm just like any other proud mother out there who enjoys talking about her kids. i like talking about jonathan. and i'm thankful i have friends who allow me to, and sometimes even bring it up first.

greg and i said from the beginning of this journey that we would keep jonathan's memory alive in our family. kate will continue to be a big sister. any future baby will know about his/her big brother. we will continue forward in a positive way, celebrating milestones of life as if jonathan was still with us. except we will just bring the celebration to him at his resting place.

i just bought a small christmas tree that in years to come our family can decorate together and place at his grave. it's a small, small way that we can include him each year. i imagine creating lots of handmade ornaments (mostly by kate) and decorating it amidst lots of joy and laughter, year after year. for it won't be lost on us that jonathan is having the ultimate christmas celebration with Christ the King himself.

how it brings me such joy that jonathan is still being remembered and treasured. as a parent who has lost a baby, i know i am not alone in my deep desire that my child will not be forgotten.

isn't that how God surely feels about His Son?

thank you for allowing me to remember them both here.

merry christmas to you!

*****

my mom found this baby angel ornament at target....note that it says "gift from God" at the bottom. that is what jonathan's name means. isn't it perfect? by the time i got there to buy several to give as gifts in remembrance of jonathan, i couldn't find any more.