7 years and 8 months

yesterday, june 7th, greg and i celebrated 7 years of marriage!  it seems crazy to me that so much time has passed.   but i guess that's what happens when you're having fun.  two and a half of those years have been consumed with the joys of watching our precious daughter kate grow up and then the last 8 months of living without jonathan has just flown by as well.  i'm not quite sure i remember what we did before having kids.  we must have been pretty bored.  and as the saying goes, having kids is like having your heart walk around outside of your body.  if so, then losing a child is being not quite sure you will ever recover from having that heart broken.

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i heard the funniest thing at a baby shower the other day.  another mom was telling the new mom-to-be, "they say that when you are delivering a baby, that when the placenta comes out, it is actually your brain."  how true is that!  actually, i think once you are pregnant, you immediately begin losing brain cells that control your memory.  somehow, the baby just sucks them right out of you.  my husband would vouch for that one.

another time, i've heard someone explain it this way:   when you become a mother, there is always part of your brain that is devoted to and working non-stop thinking about your child(ren.)  i think this is absolutely true as well.  there is not a moment in the day when i am not thinking about something that has to do with kate or jonathan.  even though jonathan hasn't been here for 8 months, he is so deeply part of who i am, just like kate is, that he is always on my mind no matter what i am doing. 

it's true that i can be having a conversation with someone and making a list in my head of things i need to do for kate that day. just as it's true that i can be smiling or laughing and be grieving for jonathan at the same time.

talk about multi-tasking. 

and i won't even go into how draining it is to constantly think about/grieve for a baby that has passed away.  i'm surprised i even remember my own name some days.

but when i really consider my life and all that the last 7 years have held, i conclude that i am just so, so blessed.  i have a fantastic husband who is just as fantastic a father to my children.  we have unconditional love and support from our parents.  i have a daughter who makes the "terrible twos" look like the "terrific twos."  and i have a son who has taught me that even in loss, there is incredible joy and blessing throughout the journey.

i truly have so much to be thankful for.

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greg and i celebrated in destin with a TON of sushi and hibachi and then took a walk on the beach, possibly for the last time before the oil hits.  it was right at dusk and in the distance all around were some incredible thunderstorms brewing, sending the occasional streak of lightning here and there.  we felt like tourists, taking in the white sand and clear green waters as if it was the last time we would see it for awhile.  and unfortunately, it just may be true for us. 

here are some of our beach pictures...