today (the 8th) marks jonathan's 11 months in heaven. i must say that as his first birthday draws near, i have felt more emotional about him than i have in months.
once september arrived, the weather here cooled off noticibly. the sky is bluer and not as hazy with humidity. the days aren't as long anymore. and the butterflies are starting to show up.
i remember in the days immediately after jonathan died, i would spend lots of time just staring out into my backyard, which basically backs up to miles of woods. the sky was clear blue, the trees were still green and beautiful, and there were white and yellow butterflies everywhere. and i remember how broken my heart was.
almost a year later, my heart is not as broken. of course, it will always be broken because jonathan isn't here, but mostly i mean it is not as painful as it was for those first few months. the promise of the Lord to heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) is one of the many promises i've clung to over the past year or so as we've walked through this trial. i know i'm not totally healed yet, but i believe i will be one day.
seeing all the butterflies the past couple of weeks brings back a flood of emotional memories. but it also reminds me just how far i have come in the healing process after losing a baby. i could not have done it on my own; it has only been by the Lord's provision of grace and strength (and so much more!) that i am at a place where i see so much blessing in my life rather than devastation.
and sometimes, the tears fall not because of what i don't have, but because of what i do have, especially now.