sometimes i like to go back and read my prior blog entries, because usually i catch things i have written that aren't evident to me as i am writing them in the moment.
i am a little disappointed in myself to realize i spend a lot of time blogging about jonathan's death, which hasn't even happened yet. i really don't spend all my time thinking about it, i promise. unfortunately, i guess that's just what has come out when i've blogged lately. i imagine it's due to the fact we have been spending a little more time thinking about funeral and burial plans. i will try to do better about focusing on the positive: jonathan is very much alive and...well, kicking....literally. i don't want to say "goodbye" too soon. i haven't had a chance to even say "hello" yet.
we are celebrating 24 weeks this week with jonathan. i can tell that he is growing! i can feel his body move at the very top of my belly all the way to the bottom, at the same time. i am thankful for being able to notice all the little quirks jonathan has. it helps me feel closer to him, like i am really getting to "know" him even though we have not yet met. for instance, he prefers to curl up on the right side of my belly. i rarely feel him on the left side. he is definitely not a morning person, as it takes a couple of hours to pass after i wake up before i even feel him move. his most active time is in the evenings. most nights i lay in bed and watch him move around, and i try to figure out which parts are his arms and legs. or i just rest my hand on my belly and wait for him to nudge me and i nudge him back. it's our own secret language. this is my favorite part of the day and the only time i can really focus on just him without a lot of distraction. i like to spend this time praying for him.
i have also been spending the evenings listening to his heart beat. at our last doctor's appointment, his heart rate was a high 174 beats per minute, even though it was very irregular. lately, i have become a bit more concerned because his heart rate is as low as 100 BPM but then goes back to 150 BPM. i got quite a scare when i heard it at 100. but the more i listen to it, i realize that it's just what his heart does. it sometimes beats in a pattern of 3s, then it beats steady for several minutes. then it goes to 2s. then maybe 3s again. if there is something seriously going wrong, there isn't much we can do about it. we don't really have any medical intervention available to us because of his condition. we don't have any choice but to trust that everything will play out as it should, according to the plan God already has in place for jonathan's life. i have to remind myself of this daily. therefore, i have chosen to just focus on his movements throughout the day for signs he is doing OK, rather than relying on his heart rate.
our next doctor's appointment is coming up next week. i hope to learn that jonathan is still growing and doing as well as he can despite his condition. i also hope to learn that his little heart is holding up just fine. he certainly has been a fighter thus far!
as always, thank you for your faithful prayers.