note to self:
well, i still haven't prepared myself for the next time, hence my complete avoidance of a certain sweet lady at the walmart fabric counter today. ( i didn't really need that fabric anyway.) i am completely OK with my story and how it turned out. other people may not feel that same way. i'm just not sure i want to face ruining someone else's perfectly good day when all they wanted to know was how my new baby was doing.
"jonathan is doing great! better than great, actually!" is what i really want to say. because i know he is.
my mom asked me the other day how long i was going to keep blogging here. i have been thinking about that too. i guess as long as i have something to say about jonathan or my time with him, then i will say it in this forum. this was always intended to be his "baby journal" anyway. blogging/journaling has been very healing for me and i'm very glad to share his story with anyone who might read it. i know that reading other moms' blogs, especially T13 moms, has comforted me on my own T13 journey. i pray that perhaps my blog would do the same for someone one day too.
recently, i have been saddened to hear about the deaths of several other T13 babies who i have prayed for and whose stories i have followed on the living with trisomy 13 website. having been there myself just over a month ago, the grief and sadness these families must feel is still very fresh for me. i haven't cried for jonathan lately, but i have cried for these other precious babies. i have also felt joy in hearing how beautiful these stories turned out. the words these moms have written in their blogs and memorial albums have truly resonated with me.
one thing i have learned is that everyone grieves differently. there is no guide for what's appropriate, and i think this is a good thing. i have mentioned in a previous blog that i feel somewhat guilty for grieving more for jonathan while he was still alive than after his passing. i have also realized that there is an expectation of me, of how long i should grieve and what my grieving should look like. i was beginning to think that maybe something was wrong with me because i haven't cried for jonathan in a long time. or maybe, i just didn't want other people to think something was wrong with me because i was....happy.
this past sunday, i was released from my guilt when i read about king david's grieving for his infant son in 2 Samuel 12:21-23:
"His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
there are so many more interesting details to this story about king david and his infant son, but the part that stands out to me is that david knew that continuing his intense grieving would not bring his son back to life. he loved this child, that was apparent. praying for the life of this child was more important to him than eating. but he had accepted God's will for the death of his son. when he said, "I will go to him, but he will not return to me" means that david knew he would eventually join his son one day in heaven. it apparently brought him the peace necessary to carry on with life after the death of this child.
this is me. and i am very comforted to have read this passage.
if you have also lost a child and this is not you, that's OK too. everyone is different. cling to the truth that the Lord promises to comfort His children:
"For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones." ~Isaiah 49:13
"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." ~Isaiah 66:13
"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." ~Jeremiah 31:13
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-5