heaven

a few nights ago, my 23-month old baby girl had trouble sleeping and was crying out for me. i went into her room, scooped her up and sat on the edge of the bed and rocked her side to side and sang to her in the dark. after a few minutes, it hit me that the last time i rocked a baby side to side like that was at the hospital, right before the funeral home came to get jonathan.


while my arms ache for jonathan every day, i am so thankful i have a perfectly healthy little girl to help "fill that void" so to speak. getting up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep isn't something i complain about these days.

some of my most treasured memories are those of rocking kate right before bedtime while i was pregnant with jonathan. once my belly got really big, kate would kind of "cuddle" against me as i rocked her. every once in awhile, i would feel jonathan move and kick while kate was curled up against him. i always wondered what she must think when she felt him move like that. i explained to her that it was her baby brother moving in "mommy's tummy." i will always cherish those moments of rocking and holding both of my children at the same time. those moments were heaven to me. and now i realize i won't get to do that again until heaven.

*****

one month ago today, we welcomed our precious baby boy jonathan into our family.

one month ago today, we had to say goodbye, for now.

thanks to jonathan, i think about heaven everyday. it's just so much more real to me now.

before jonathan, i really didn't think much about it. my ignorance of heaven was very much like that of a child's: i imagined lots of clouds, angels singing, and Jesus. i didn't think much past that because i just didn't feel like i needed to be concerned with all those details.

but now, i need to know where my son is. it's partly necessary for my peace. there were days shortly after jonathan passed away that i begged God to show me somehow that jonathan was with Him in heaven, and that he was OK. and then i felt guilty for asking such a thing from God, because He had already been so gracious in showing me His involvement in so many other details encompassing jonathan's life and death. for me to question jonathan's resting place seemed, well...ridiculously absurd of me the more i thought about it. i just didn't know enough about what the bible says about heaven. seeing the whole picture, at least what God has shown us in His word, will surely help give me perspective. it's since become my new passion.

so recently, i read up on a few verses including the last couple of chapters in revelation to gain a better perspective. and the very next day, i received in the mail the book "heaven" by randy alcorn. (thanks robin p.!) it was such great timing. i've already learned several things by reading the first few chapters. one thing is for sure, heaven is going to be awesome.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." ~Psalm 84:10

There Will Be a Day
Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will
wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, he will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
There will be a day.