This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at 17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6 To start at the beginning of our story, click here.
yesterday, greg and i breathed a big sigh of relief after our appointment with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart. not that we had too much to worry about since our baby boy has already pretty much been declared "healthy" a couple of times previously. however, at this appointment, evan would be big enough to really study his anatomy for more detail. for me, anytime we visit the specialist, i just can't help but think back to jonathan and those bittersweet appointments. while it was always wonderful to see him up on the big screen moving, sucking his thumb, and hiccupping...acting like a normal baby...it was also heartbreaking to see all of his problems and to be reminded that he basically had no chance of survival after birth. those difficult memories come sneaking around when it's time to make the trip to the specialist. even though dr. thorp and his staff are always so wonderful and kind to us, it's never a completely enjoyable event. and now there's always the "what-if" factor with evan. so, until this baby is safe in my arms, breathing on his own, nursing like a champ, and making huge messes in his diaper will i finally relax. (well, as much as you can relax with a newborn and a busy toddler in the house!)
we arrived at the appointment a little nervous and armed with a huge list of questions to ask about evan and about the pregnancy. most of those questions were based on the abnormalities either jonathan or i experienced the last time. basically, i just needed to be told that every detail of this pregnancy was normal and that evan had no issues that would make me wonder otherwise. we had prayed for good news at this appointment for months. so as we watched the ultrasound screen with big smiles and made compliments of our son that only adoring parents would make ("look at those cute chubby cheeks!"), our anxiety melted away and each question was answered to our satisfaction and reassurance.
so here's the latest with evan: he weighs approximately 2.5 pounds (61st percentile) and has long arms and legs. he has the most adorable profile and chubby cheeks (if i do say so myself!) the ultrasound tech even pointed to hair sticking up off of his scalp! he is already in the head-down position, which i had figured since i have been feeling baby feet up near my ribs lately. he smacked his lips and sucked his thumb during the ultrasound, too. he is also "still a boy"...i had them check again since a friend of mine just delivered a girl after being told for months it was a boy! in summary, evan is - as the specialist called him - beautiful and perfect. ahhhhh. that's the sound of weight lifting off of our shoulders! we are so thankful for this news!
as far as my health is concerned, everything looks good that affects the baby. my weight gain and blood pressure is perfect. the only minor glitch is that i have a cyst on my thyroid, but so far it has not affected the baby. there is really nothing that can be done for it until after delivery. the cyst is probably pregnancy-related (i have been pregnant 3 of the last 4 years...hmmm) and will hopefully disappear on it's own in the next few months. it's been mostly an irrelevant issue for me.
emotionally, i feel like i have finally gotten to a point where i have mentally separated my boys' pregnancies. especially after today. over the past couple of months, i have been able to bond with evan as evan and not compare him constantly to jonathan. the only time i still compare is at doctors' visits. i don't stress anymore over not feeling him move after a couple of hours, and i don't stress over the fact that i have yet to hear evan's heartbeat with my home doppler. i've begun to make preparations mentally and practically speaking that we will be bringing this baby home. even kate is getting excited over her baby brother that will be arriving sometime around christmas.
so here's evan's growth progress over the past month or so and a sweet profile pic of his face...
21 weeks
22 weeks
23 weeks...Greg says I look like Barney the Dinosaur here! :)
BIG news! we just learned that national Christian recording artist heather williams is coming to our "run for new life 5K"!
we had no idea that our "little" memorial run would reach such amazing proportions. as of right now, we have over 200 people signed up and now heather williams is coming to share her testimony of how she got through the loss of her baby boy, as well as sing two or three songs.
the way everything just fell into place for this to happen...well, it's obvious that God's hands are all over the details.
if you don't know who heather williams is (she's relatively new to the Christian music scene), then check out her short youtube video:
if you want more of her amazing story, check out this video (be warned~ you will need tissues):
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:20-21
this is the last blanket i will probably make for my "woven together" project for 2010, now that i am focusing on sewing evan's nursery bedding and accessories. as you may remember, under "woven together", i make preemie-sized blankets for babies who have been prenatally diagnosed with a poor or fatal condition.
here's a quick peek at what the blankets look like:
The monogrammed side is minky and the other side is flannel.
and what the tag looks like:
this project is still in the beginning stages since my focus has been a bit interrupted with a new pregnancy of my own. i plan to pick it back up in the early spring.
if by chance you are interested in following the progress on evan's nursery, hop on over to my sewing blog...
today (the 8th) marks jonathan's 11 months in heaven. i must say that as his first birthday draws near, i have felt more emotional about him than i have in months.
once september arrived, the weather here cooled off noticibly. the sky is bluer and not as hazy with humidity. the days aren't as long anymore. and the butterflies are starting to show up.
i remember in the days immediately after jonathan died, i would spend lots of time just staring out into my backyard, which basically backs up to miles of woods. the sky was clear blue, the trees were still green and beautiful, and there were white and yellow butterflies everywhere. and i remember how broken my heart was.
almost a year later, my heart is not as broken. of course, it will always be broken because jonathan isn't here, but mostly i mean it is not as painful as it was for those first few months. the promise of the Lord to heal the brokenhearted, to bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) is one of the many promises i've clung to over the past year or so as we've walked through this trial. i know i'm not totally healed yet, but i believe i will be one day.
seeing all the butterflies the past couple of weeks brings back a flood of emotional memories. but it also reminds me just how far i have come in the healing process after losing a baby. i could not have done it on my own; it has only been by the Lord's provision of grace and strength (and so much more!) that i am at a place where i see so much blessing in my life rather than devastation.
and sometimes, the tears fall not because of what i don't have, but because of what i do have, especially now.
