yesterday, i had a not-so-great day and i was in need of a major attitude adjustment.
i hesitated to post this particular blog because i was afraid of what you all might think of me; my strength, faith, or a perceived lack thereof. but to not address the struggles in our journey, as if they are not happening, is not keeping with the authenticity of this blog. thankfully, a couple different times yesterday i was reminded that i am only human and that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. God can handle it.
i'll start at the beginning.
i have not been physically feeling that great this past week. i have been experiencing lightheadedness, weakness, and sometimes shortness of breath from doing a simple chore. i just knew it had something to do with my blood pressure.
i've also been doing too much googling and learning about all these bad things that could happen to jonathan and me in the next few weeks due to the low amniotic fluid. my doctors had warned me against googling.
i had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning and i found out that my blood pressure was a little high. i haven't had any other related problems (headache, swelling, etc.) so it's not too concerning yet, but it was alarming to me at the time nonetheless. about five minutes later, i'm listening to jonathan's heartbeat with my doctor, and it was awful. it was slow and lacked any kind of rhythm. my own heart immediately sank. i am so afraid of losing jonathan too soon.
oh, yeah. did i mention that my son will probably die at anytime in the next few weeks?
as you already know, from the beginning of our journey we have wanted jonathan to be born alive. we want to meet this little miracle of ours. since his condition is fatal, whether in utero or after birth, then we prefer to be holding and comforting him when it happens. it is our chance to "be parents" to him and to show him how much we love him. even just a few short minutes with him would be a gift that we would treasure for a lifetime.
however, recently i have begun to see just how much it really means to me that jonathan be born alive: i am desperate for it.
because it is so important to me, any obstacle that comes about, such as complications with my health or an awful-sounding heartbeat, really discourages me. i'm not in control over what happens and i don't like it. in fact, so many little things have to line up in place for me to perceive jonathan's birth going smoothly, that i feel like to believe that all these things could actually happen is possibly setting God up to "fail." and not just to fail me, but to fail everyone who is praying for this right along with me. and that people who doubted our decision or doubted what God can do from the beginning would be able to say, "i knew it wouldn't work out." the ironic part of this is that i am worried about what the cynics think when i myself am doubting what God is capable of in this situation.
however, if we lose jonathan in utero or during birth, i know eventually i would come to believe in my heart that it all worked out the way that it should have, in spite of the profound disappointment i'm sure to feel. really, i would. but i wonder if i would still feel disappointment that the cynics did not see the same miracle in all of this that we see.
so there it is. i'm just being honest. there is a battle taking place inside of my heart over my complete trust and submission to God's will in this situation. i'm not proud of it and i wish i could be strong all the time, but i know God can change my broken and weakened heart.
i also know God has a heart for the weak and lame. there are countless stories of Jesus healing people just like me in the new testament. of course, i would rather not be included in that demographic; i like to consider myself "whole" ~ but going through such a trial is extremely humbling. God knows that i need to be reminded that in my weakness, He is made strong. perhaps even in this struggle, He may be glorified.
[Jesus] replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. ~Matthew 8:26
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." ~ Matthew 17:20
later that evening, i spent some time going through some emails that i have received over the past couple of days from three other T13 moms who have already walked this road. each story was totally different but i was completely encouraged by each one. i noticed a similar theme in the three though....they all trusted God's plan and were all so thankful how their stories turned out. i thought about how God is writing my story and already knows the "ending." (or is it just the beginning?) i know that even now the Lord has appointed a time to take him home, and that it will happen as it should, even if it's not what i'm expecting.
i needed to read those messages yesterday, especially from other moms who have been where i am, and who can truly relate to the faith struggle i am having.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1
i read Hebrews 11 to be reminded of all the greatest stories of faith found in the bible. i was also reminded (again) just how much bigger our God is than what i give him credit for. i realized i needed to get back to the basics. what do i really believe in this situation?
by faith, i believe that God's purpose and plan for jonathan is much greater than i can comprehend.
by faith, i believe that God's plan is not to harm us but to give us hope and a future.
by faith, i believe that jonathan's time with us has long been ordained by God Himself.
by faith, i believe that all things will work for our good because we love Him.
by faith, i believe that God cares about the tiniest details relating to jonathan's birth and even death.
by faith, i believe that God is using jonathan's story to glorify Himself, someway, somehow, even if i will never see the fruit of this.
by faith, i believe that God will provide all the strength and grace we will need for every weak moment. (He already has for me even now as i write this.)
by faith, i believe that God will allow us to experience great joy even in the midst of sorrow.
by faith, i believe that God will provide us with much peace because we truly desire to honor Him with jonathan's life.
"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' And her daughter was healed from that very hour." ~ Matthew 15:28