This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at
17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although
Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give
him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story
are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6

To start at the beginning of our story, click here.



today was kind of tough.

only when greg and i sat down in church today and looked over the bulletin did we realize that today was baby dedication day for babies born over the past few months. i quickly scanned the names and birthdates. september, october, november birthdates were on there.

my heart sank.

as we sat there, politely listening to how great a blessing these babies are (and they certainly are), i couldn't help feeling uncomfortable and out of place. it wasn't because of anything our church did or didn't do. it was because i felt that we were supposed to be up there, proudly holding up our sweet baby boy for all to see and admire, too. today we should have been dedicating him to the Lord, being prayed over by our church family, and celebrating his life.

there are days where i feel i have submitted myself fully to the Lord's sovereign plan for jonathan and for our family.

and then there are days like today when i realize that jonathan's absence is still waging war deep in my heart between what i feel about him being gone and what i know and believe about God.

i feel guilty for feeling this way, and God is probably thinking something along the lines of, "what more do you want from Me?!?", after being so real, so present, and so....good to us during our journey with jonathan.

i guess my hands are still clenched around the hopes and dreams of a healthy baby boy named jonathan. i don't know why, seeing that he's been gone three months now. maybe there is still some questioning deep down. maybe even some resentment. maybe i just need more time to heal. maybe i need an occasional harsh reminder that i haven't completely surrendered all those deep down feelings to the Lord.

tonight i found myself back at 1 Samuel 1, with the story of hannah. hannah was infertile, but after petitioning the Lord for a son and promising his life to Him, she was given a son, samuel. and with a thankful heart for His answer to her prayers, she dedicated samuel back to the Lord.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

samuel went on to become one of ancient israel's great leaders.

when i compare the story of hannah and samuel to my story with jonathan, i can see that:

~i, too, desperately prayed for my son (although the prayers were vastly different.)
~the Lord also answered my prayers over and beyond my expectations.
~jonathan, for being only 40 minutes old, has an amazing legacy himself.

perhaps it's time, with grateful acknowledgement of the Lord's provision, to dedicate jonathan's life fully to the Lord.

i'll do it quietly in my heart and let the Lord handle the details for a heavenly celebration.


  1. Lauren,
    Thank you for being so open, even when its quite simply a tough day.
    -Joy Clark

  2. Lauren, I've read your blog from the beginning and traveled on this journey with you. Today is the first post that I feel the need to post a response to. I admit you are a stronger woman than I am. I avoid church on days like that, I get up and leave upset because there happens to be a baby in the lap of the person in front of me, I stopped working in the nursery because it was just to painful. While I haven't experienced the loss you have, I know the pain. My husband and I can't have babies, and everyone around us can and is. It is too painful to hang out with people our age. It is too painful to sit in church and watch things like baby dedications, baptisms of children and even the children's choir. There is so much pain in not having something that your heart so desires. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just felt that I needed to post to your blog today. Your words really spoke to me because I've been there.

  3. Oh....this one made me have to catch my breath. I had never even thought of what is to come...sadly, constant, CONSTANT reminders of not having Matthew are everywhere, but I at least try to anticipate some to prepare. Now I think I am going to have to email my pastor for a heads up on the next Sunday we have a baby dedication because I just won't be able to handle it. I too would be sitting there, devastated, as I thought about how I should have been up there giving my Matthew to God.

    I gave him to God while I was pregnant. I remember telling God that Matthew would be brought up to love Him and to know Him and I would give Matthew to God, even if that meant Matthew became a missionary and travelled to places that scared me. I never dreamed I'd really have to come through with that less than 8 hours after he was born, and it certainly was NOT because he grew up to be a missionary.

    1 Samuel 1:27 has been such a meaningful scripture for was going to be on his birth announcement and now we will put it on his grave marker when we order it this Friday. I prayed for him for over 10 years, and just knew I had been given a miracle. And as I keep telling myself, I was...he was ordained by God and given to me, and I am forever grateful for the privilege.

    Bless your heart. I have no other words now, just tears...I'm so sorry for you...and me....and any mommy or daddy who has had live this life without their babies.


  4. I wondered about that Sunday and even nudged Curtis so we could pray for you guys. I knew it would be a tough one. Love you!