land of the living

after the temperatures here on the gulf coast dipped down to record lows recently, today was the kind of day that reminds me why i live here in florida. the sky was clear blue and the temperature was around 70 degrees, all in the middle of january. now if it would just stay like that year round...

so what to do on a day like this? take a walk on the beach? take kate to the park?

maybe last year. today, kate and i spent quality time in the cemetery where jonathan is buried.

it's a good thing kate likes going. greg and i have this joke that jonathan always knows we're there to visit him because he hears the galloping of little feet running all around his grave. that, and he hears mommy and daddy constantly telling kate to take her hands out of the bird bath, quit throwing dirt, and put back the ceramic dog/angel/cross/whatever she finds left at the nearby graves.

going on three and a half months now, we still haven't picked out jonathan's headstone. i did feel guilty about this at first, but it's one of the things i've given myself some slack about. really, it's the last thing left to do for jonathan. and maybe that's why we haven't done it yet.

so kate and i wandered around the entire cemetery today checking out headstones to get some ideas for what we want. i had no idea that there were so many options. it's just not something i ever thought i would have to consider. we brought our first gift to jonathan, a little windchime that was given to us that had an angel on it and said "whispers from heaven." kate demanded to carry it around the entire cemetery, so needless to say we made a lot of noise while we were making our rounds. jonathan heard us coming a long way off.

there were a few other people visiting graves out there. a man and woman briefly commented to me on the beautiful weather and the windchimes kate was carrying with her. they were laughing with each other at the gravesite of someone presumably older; probably someone who had lived a full life. there's just not a lot of laughing at the gravesite of a baby or child.

then, for a split second, i had one of those moments (that still occasionally happen, even three and a half months later), that i can't believe this actually happened to me, that i buried my child. not to mention, a cemetery is not exactly the place i had envisioned spending beautiful afternoons. or the place i would have ever considered bringing kate to "play." but here we are. it's the reality i live with, though i'm determined not to let it steal my joy.

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. " ~Psalm 27:13-14