the ultimate rejection. well, sort of.

so, i know i've talked a lot about the rejection we have experienced since our journey with jonathan has begun.  or, at least what i consider rejection.  in the big scheme of things, i realize that it's really not that big of a deal.  i mean, do i really care what people think about us, our decision to carry jonathan, or our faith?  or that people chose not be supportive or to be our friends anymore?  if i had known the rejection was going to happen, would i have still made the same choices?  of course it wouldn't have changed a thing.  but apparently i do care about what people think of me, more than i thought. 

there.  i said it.  i care too much about what people think of me, even complete strangers.  even the cowardly, hateful, anonymous newpaper commenters.

well, recently, friends, i've discovered i've endured the ultimate rejection.  i mean, it doesn't get much worse than this.  are you ready for it?  i can barely get it out.......

i've been defriended on facebook.  yep, you read it right.  by at least four or five people over the past few months.  you know how i know?  because the first time i noticed i was no longer friends with one certain person, i "friended" them again, thinking that maybe it was an accident or facebook problem or something.  it can happen, right?  so the second time i noticed i wasn't friends anymore with this person, i finally got it.  and folks, i am not even a natural blonde.  :)

ouch.  this kind of rejection is something even the apostles did not have to experience.

ok, i'm totally kidding here.

but seriously, defriended?  so i have chosen to write an open letter to these former facebook friends.  here we go:

dear former facebook friends,

seriously, defriended? 

but we went to high school or college together, doesn't that count for something?  even if i haven't actually seen you in, like, 15 years?  defriended and not just blocked from your newsfeed?  you know, there's an app for that.  defriending makes me feel like i'm back in high school or something and i didn't say "hi" to you as we passed in the hallway.

considering that we don't really know each other anymore (a lot happens in 15 or so years), you are either defriending me because of (1.)  the person i was in high school or early college (don't worry, i'd defriend me, too, for that)  or (2.)  the person who i've become, all wrapped up in a tidy package on the "about me" page on facebook, saying that my name is lauren, i'm married to greg, and we have a 2 year old and a 40-minute old, who's in heaven.  oh, and that my religious and political views are both "christian."

i'm pretty sure my status updates could not be offending to you.  i don't quote scripture in them.  i don't even quote quotes about scripture, God, or Jesus.  maybe you are offended or annoyed that i was excited a few months ago when my baby girl went #2 on the potty for the first time ever.

oh, but there was that "note" i wrote about our baby boy's diagnosis back in june.  and how we were choosing to continue the pregnancy and relying on God for strength.  oh, and there were the pictures of me, pregnant and smiling in my profile picture.  perhaps that was offending to you, that i would choose life instead of abortion.  oh, and there was a lot of status updating going on in october when my baby was born.  and died.  and maybe there was some more talk about God and Jesus at that time.  i know that Jesus is an especially offensive topic to some.

here's the thing:  of course, i am only making an assumption as to why you defriended me.  but in case you didn't know, for almost a year now, i have walked a very difficult journey of faith and trust.  it has been a journey that, if i didn't have faith, i might be dead right now, at least spiritually and emotionally.  it's been a journey that has forced me out of the proverbial closet as a christian, because our suffering was so public.  people watched us make difficult choices and react to the circumstances we'd been given.  yet, the biggest choice i had to make was made in private:  whether or not to truly trust the God of the bible.  the faith i had as a child was not good enough for this journey, yet i considered it "good enough" for me until this past year. you see, i could have my comfortable faith and yet no one would label me as a "Jesus freak" or anything else considered unpopular in this culture.  i'm embarrassed to admit to that.  it's not lost on me that perhaps God knew it would take suffering of this magnitude to move me out of my faith comfort zone. 

so thank you, former facebook friends, for confirming my status as an unpopular Jesus freak.  i now take it as a compliment.  it's true, my faith has become a huge part of my identity, instead of being just a small subcategory of my life.  and while i would never preach at you, throw scripture in your face, judge you, or defriend you for not being a christian, i would say to you:  don't knock it till you try it.  you might even like it. 

however, i don't apologize if i offended you in any way.  i'm more sorry you did not stick around to see what my faith, my God, has done for me and my family in the midst of devastation.  i think you would be surprised.  perhaps intrigued.  perhaps you would wonder from where we got our strength to make it through.  perhaps you would wonder what you might do in our situation, or in some other kind of suffering you might face.  because one day, inevitably, we all will experience suffering.

and i would tell you, i got my strength at the foot of the cross.  and there is room there for you too. 

your friend,
lauren

things to remember him by

back in november, i blogged a little bit about some keepsakes i wanted to either buy or make in memory of jonathan.  specifically, you might remember the opal and 8 tiny diamonds that my mother had offered to me before he was born to make an original jewelry piece in memory of him.  and that, "coincidentally", jonathan's birthstone happens to be an opal and he was born on the 8th.

recently, i realized that i had never posted pictures of the keepsakes that have been given to me since jonathan's passing.  and because this is jonathan's baby journal, the pictures belong here...

the opal, diamond, and white gold necklace from my mother

friends gave us jonathan's name, in scripture verses

a friend gave me this lucinda kay "peas in a pod" necklace, symbolizing both of my children

two of my friends gave me this helen ficalora necklace with engraved silver charms

tiny footprints inside the cover of my bible...my favorite.

we were also given several beautifully handmade or embroidered blankets, framed art with scripture, and several christmas ornaments that mean a lot to us. 

so as i was thinking about what these keepsakes mean to me, (and what i wouldn't give up to have jonathan back, happy and healthy) i realized that there was a greater, more valuable keepsake from our journey with jonathan given to me by the Lord Himself:

a deeper faith.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy"  ~1 Peter 1:6-8

what He knows

it seems that sometimes in life, trials and devastation causing suffering are not solitary events.  they tend to come in the company of each other, don't they?  this has been the case for us lately, as a couple other lesser struggles and disappointments have come about in recent months following jonathan's life and death.  we've questioned God's reasoning.  we've questioned God's timing.  we've questioned decisions we've made after praying and feeling led in one direction that now seem wrong.  we've been stressed and confused.  and we're tired. 

little did i know there was a big lesson for me in one of these recent trials.

we have two female cats, a black and white one and a fluffy gray one.  we found the black and white cat on the side of the road when she was just five weeks old, apparently tossed from a car.  i spotted her peeking up through the grass from across a busy highway, while we were driving 45 mph.  therefore, greg thinks i planted her there so that we could happen upon her and keep her.  (i didn't.)  we bottle-fed her and raised her as the only parents she's known, basically.  the other cat was given to us by a friend when she was just a kitten, about two years later.  one cat is really sweet and friendly, and acts more like a dog.  the other cat is just plain mean sometimes, with a real wild streak. now, which one do you think is the mean one?  yep, the one we rescued as an orphan and now lives like a queen.  but i digress.

lounging in the bathtub

well, as if it wasn't bad enough to lose our baby boy, just three weeks after burying jonathan we almost lost our (nice) cat to an undiagnosed condition.  we didn't think the emotional distress or timing could get much worse.

one day we noticed she was really lethargic and not eating.  the next day we were in the vet's office listening to him tell us she was barely alive and that she might need a blood transfusion.  needless to say, we weren't about to bury anyone or anything else.  for the next several weeks, the treatments that followed for this cat were pretty much torture for her.  she was poked, prodded, stuck with countless needles, and she slept in strange places with barking dogs.  we held her down and shoved medicine down her throat every couple of hours, which had its own set of unpleasant side effects.  and just when things were looking better, she suffered a pulmonary embolism.  that was the night we said goodbye to her, because we thought for sure the vet was going to put her down.  and we didn't know how much more we could take of it.

the cat was suffering.  on top of it all, she was probably deeply distressed by the treatments she surely perceived as torture that her "parents" were putting her through.  she couldn't understand that what we were doing was for her good, that we were trying to save her life.  she didn't know what we knew.

our cat seems to have fully recovered since then, thank goodness.  but gosh, we sure complained loudly to God about the added emotional and financial stress and the timing of the whole mess.  i didn't know there was a lesson in that experience specifically for me until i came to a section in the book "if God is Good" by randy alcorn, where he shares the story of a three-year-old boy who had ingested some kind of poison.  on the way to the hospital, the boy's father continuously slapped the child to keep him awake so that the child would not fall asleep and die.  the poor boy did not understand why his father was hitting him like this.  the child was suffering not only from the poison he had ingested, but because he was perceiving his father's slaps as cruel.  of course he could not understand that his father only did it for the boy's own good, to save his life.  the child didn't know what his father knew.

and then there's the story of a certain family i know very well *ahem* who seemed to have it pretty good.  they're what you might consider a typical "good christian family", blessed by a good marriage, good jobs, an adorable baby girl, a nice house, and good friends.  life was very...good.  and then one day they learned that their new baby-on-the-way was diagnosed with a fatal condition.  in just a single moment, life was turned upside down.  suffering began immediately and stretched out before them like a long, desolate road.  their baby died shortly after being born, their lives forever scarred by such a loss.  what good could come from that?  what good God would allow something like that to happen? 

the Father, whose ways and thoughts are higher than ours, did allow it to happen.   perhaps in His sovereignty, He planned it to happen, knowing full well the suffering that would fall on this family.  but perhaps He determined the suffering they experienced (and still experience) was for good; necessary to save their lives, to save someone else's life, whether spiritually or otherwise.  and while they can certainly see plenty of the good that came from their suffering, they can't begin to fully know what the Father knows. 

but what we do know is:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~Jeremiah 29:11

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100:5

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

the lesson i've learned is that knowing Him means knowing that He is good, whether in times of blessing or in times of suffering.  knowing He is good means we don't have to question what He knows. 

i'm praying that knowing Him is enough for me.

thankful....again

out of the blue today, i received a couple of messages reaffirming just how much my little jonathan's life has touched others in profound, significant ways.

it's been five months that he's been gone, and i'm still hearing these things. from people i don't know (or hardly know.)

it's simply amazing. humbling. encouraging.

thank you so much for letting me know how much my son's life means to you.

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to feel like a proud parent.

but mostly, thank you for reminding me that we serve an awesome God who can truly use any life for His glory, even a life that only lasted 40 minutes.

count it all joy

today, march 8th marks five months since we lost jonathan.  (it also marks the day his life began a year ago.  maybe that's TMI for most of you, sorry.)

five months seems like a long time from where i stand right now.  i know that grief takes all sorts of forms, and here at five months after losing jonathan, i guess what i feel mostly these days is just weariness.

while there's comfort in life going back to normalcy after a loss, there's also some grief that it has gone back to normal, whatever normal is these days.  life just moves on so quickly, without a second thought to those it leaves behind.   i feel sad that jonathan is being left behind.  there's only so much i can do for him with him not being here.  the parent in me wants to care for him in tangible ways, too, which of course i can't.  it's a bit draining at times.

so i stepped it in to high gear with kate.  i got her potty trained in no time.  i've been taking her to all sorts of playdates.  i've been patiently obliging her requests for "play with me, mommy" even when i don't feel like it.  i've been giving her lots of extra "snuggle time" when she wants it, where she wants it.  i've been making sure she's seeing me smile more than not.  basically, i've been spoiling her with love but still maintaining order and discipline in her day.  i feel that i can't let my grieving for jonathan, which tends to show up in my life as impatience, interfere with doing the best i can with kate.  maybe what i've described sounds easy.  but for me, it's draining.

also quite draining has been five months of grieving for jonathan and missing him.  he's always in the back of my mind, no matter what i'm doing or what i'm thinking about.  i could be in the middle of laughing at something i find hilarious, and yet the sadness of jonathan being gone is there. 

it's been five months of fighting those thoughts that come to remind me that "by now", if he hadn't had that extra chromosome, he would be laughing.  rolling over. sitting up.

it's been five months of trying to keep the memory of him fresh; for me, for my family, for anyone who cares.

it's been five months (and much longer) of experiencing lesser trials that have stemmed from the greater trial of carrying and then losing jonathan, such as friendships being strained and lost, the reappearance of the elephant in the room, public negative reactions to our story, and an occasional sense of feeling alone or out of place, to name a few.

it's been five months of daily submission to the hard truth that God's plan to take him was better than my plan to keep him.

it's been five months of meditating on some very deep theological matters that, quite honestly, i have neither the spiritual maturity nor brain capacity to make much sense of any of it.

and on top of it all, God's been awfully quiet with me lately.  or maybe, i just can't hear Him right now.   which adds to the weariness, since the awareness of God's presence in our lives during my pregnancy and the months following had been extremely comforting.

yet, i do realize that all of these things i write about are not hidden from God, since He knows my every thought and prayer.  within a few days of voicing my weariness about everything to Him, He answered by leading me back to the scriptures that remind me that:

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ~Matthew 28:20

and then yesterday at church, we had a very powerful time of worship that focused on the verses James 1:2-4 that says...

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

and we sang the song, "count it all joy":

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When my troubles
Close me in on every side
 Lord, I’ll count it all joy
When this road of faith
Runs through the darkest night

For I know You’re at work in me
Yes I know You’ll provide
All the grace I need

You have always been my Rock
I will trust You forever, forever
You have never failed me God
I will trust You forever, forever

Lord I’ll count it all joy
When the weight of sorrow
Drives me to my knees

Every heartache and pain
In Your mighty hands
Is forming Christ in me

And I know that Your Word is true
Yes, I know every trial
Will only prove

Who can separate us
From You and Your great love

it was at that moment, i realized that although the weariness i was feeling was very real and possibly even justified, my attitude needed to be adjusted yet again.  i was not counting it all joy.

and then, we sang the song, "blessed be your name."  it probably wasn't a coincidence that this song was also performed at jonathan's funeral.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

we finished singing and one of the elders stood up to pray and he began by saying that while the Lord does choose to give and take away, He doesn't take away Jesus.  i didn't hear any more of the prayer because i knew that that was the cure for my attitude adjustment.
 
this whole time i have been mostly concerned with doing my best not to take kate for granted in the midst of my loss of jonathan, but i had in fact taken for granted the value of what i have been given through the gift of Christ.  through Christ, i have access to all of God's promises.  i have unconditional love from the Father.  He gives me the strength to overcome any loss.  He also reminds me that : "Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" ~Phillipians 3:7-8

i realize that lately, i have not been able to experience joy because i have focused too much on what i have lost, and not enough of what i have gained.  yes, there actually was gain from losing jonathan.  more than what i can comprehend in my limited abilities.  but i have seen enough to know that the gain is significant.  therefore, i haven't had a problem counting some of it joy, but i know it takes a greater faith to count it all joy. 

counting it all joy includes being pregnant with a sick baby.  counting it all joy includes losing friends and being publicly ridiculed because of the stance you take for your faith.  counting it all joy includes holding your baby while he dies.  counting it all joy includes living the rest of your life with a (insert name here)-sized hole in your heart.  the faith i want is the faith that still counts it all joy. 

therefore:

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:1-2

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." ~ Nehemiah 8:10

"You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11

the "club"

one of the nicest surprises to come out of blogging about our experience with jonathan, is that not only is it very healing, but i've learned that the blogosphere holds an entire support group-like network of moms like me who have walked a similarly devastating path and who cling to the promises of our Lord for comfort and healing.  (ask any of them...it works.)

we blog about our experiences and then we go searching for blogs like ours in order to glean anything we can in order to learn and grow from each other.  we spend time encouraging each other through our blogs by commenting and sending emails.  and while there is no doubt each of us would do just about anything to give up our membership in the "mothers who have lost a baby" club, i would say that for the majority of us, if we have to be members, then we are going to make the best of it. 

so i am honored to be nominated by lori at lori does maryland for the beautiful blogger award.  i already follow lori's blog regularly to be encouraged by someone walking an even more difficult road than i, and who does it way more gracefully than i ever could.  thanks lori for your beautiful blog!

i'm also happy to share a few blogs with you that have encouraged me on my journey.  the common threads, of course, are that we have all lost a baby within the last couple of years, and we all love the Lord and trust in His purposes for our losses.  i hope you will visit them and pray for these wonderful women:
 
shelley at the talbotts
lindsey b. at our hope endures
katie at our little piece of paradise
katy at in hannah's honor
amanda at blessings 4 life  (just said hello and goodbye to her precious caroline a week ago.)
rachelle at hailey's hope
molly at the pipers
and angie at bring the rain
(the last two are very well-known blogs.)

*****

speaking of networking, a couple of nights ago, i had the privilege of meeting the momma of joshua, who is due in april and has been recently diagnosed with trisomy 18.  over a mexican dinner with a mutual friend, we shared the terrible moments of learning something was wrong, making the decision to carry to term, birth plans and DNRs, holding jonathan as he died, and other depressing subjects that no one should have to discuss when speaking about their child.  however, in spite of the mostly dreary subject, there weren't many tears at all.  our conversation was very comfortable and was actually punctuated with laughter here and there.  i don't think anyone would have guessed that our main topic was preparing for the loss of a baby.

but then, the common thread we shared was our faith in Christ. 
He gives us the strength we need to get through something like this.
He gives us hope, reminding us that we will see our babies again one day.
He gives us the courage to move forward in life; to be able to smile and laugh in the midst of difficult circumstances.
He comforts us, so that we might comfort someone else who needs it.
...and we can't imagine life without Him.

please consider praying for sweet joshua and his family.

i'm back...

(ahhhh.)  hear that?  that's me, taking a nice deep breath after returning home from a much-needed vacation.

and no, i didn't go to a white-sand beach and lay around in the warm sun, reading a good book while kate and greg splashed in the water nearby.  that would only be a few-minutes drive for us from where we live anyway (don't be jealous.)

pictures from last summer

instead, i, by myself, headed north to visit a good friend in washington DC.  DC, as in, where there was lots and lots of snow on the ground.  i didn't even have the proper shoes to walk in something like that.  but the point of the trip was to spend time with my friend, christy, and to enjoy a few days relaxing and hanging out with no real itinerary or agenda to accomplish.  it was the first time since our journey with jonathan began that i felt like i've had a real break.  to not have to worry about anything except where we wanted to eat out for dinner.  it sure was nice to get away for a few days.

i should have known it would be cold there because the morning i arrived at the airport to leave, our flight was delayed a bit so our plane could de-ice.  how do you de-ice a plane in florida?  apparently you move it out of the shade and into the sun.  seriously.  so after a half-hour in the sun, the plane was ready to go.

christy's house- check out the snow.

it wasn't my first time in DC, so we didn't do the whole tourist-thing. but we did spend half a day on friday walking around some of the monuments as best we could since the sidewalks were covered in ice and snow. it was windy and freezing. we even had an obama sighting. well...ok, it was probably just michelle. we don't know for sure, but it was a police escorted motorcade of several SUVs coming from the white house as we stood watching on the hill at the national monument. and it sure does make my story more interesting to say we saw an obama. (i looked it up...the president was in vegas on business on friday and michelle was in DC.)

the white house in the distance

we spent the rest of the morning in the holocaust museum (amazing and awful) and popped into the smithsonian for a bathroom break and a cup of coffee before we caught the VRE to old town-alexandria for the rest of the day.

the virginia railway express...way better than the metro

on king street in old town, i was expecting to see a bunch of boutiques and cafes that i couldn't afford, so i was secretly excited to see a ross and other outlet stores in the middle of it all.  needless to say, we did a little shopping.  christy and i bought the exact same pair of shoes that could either be really cute or really ugly (the vote's still out.)

unfortunately for me, they look much cuter in a size 8 than they do in a 10. 

while i was there, we visited king street two more times as well, and had sushi and chicken satay for lunch one day, and then sandwiches on another day. 

some other random things about my trip included eating out mexican two nights in a row, hitting the gym for a serious workout because of the mexican food, girls night with some of christy's friends, movie night, another sushi lunch, and more shopping.

my five bowls of salsa.  heaven.

that's right.  i love my salsa.

anyway, all that said about my trip, the best part was spending time with christy.  she was a fabulous hostess and when we weren't out and about, we had the best time catching up.  she's one of those treasured friends that brings up jonathan before i do, asks me questions about him, and lets me talk freely and openly about him. and when we weren't talking about jonathan, we talked about how blessed we are and how great our God is, in spite of the difficulties we've both struggled with recently.   it is truly refreshing to be around someone so positive and encouraging. 

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." ~Proverbs 27:17

 

speaking of encouragement, she also "encouraged" me to get a fabulous pair of casual boots to wear over jeans while i was there.  i needed them.  you know, for proper footwear in the snow.  now, i almost hope it stays cold enough a little longer here in florida so that i can wear them a few more times before i trade them in for flip-flops.

more about last week's opportunity

after receiving a blog comment and a couple of other inquiries about what i actually spoke about last monday regarding suggestions to help a grieving patient, i decided to write about it. 

here is most of what i spoke about:

first and foremost, i was very appreciative of the opportunity to be able to share my story and that the hospital was genuinely interested with learning how they can improve communication and care concerning a grieving patient. 

monday was also jonathan's 4-month birthday, so it was a privilege to be able to share my story on that day.

i gave a little background of when jonathan's story began unfolding.  you can read that here if you are new to this blog.

i talked about our visits with our specialist, dr. thorp at sacred heart hospital in pensacola, and with our genetic counselor, beth allen.  on that dreadful day right after i had the amnio done, we met with dr. thorp and beth right afterwards to discuss the ultrasound findings and our plan of action.  it was  a very emotional and tearful meeting for us, as you can probably imagine.  but i will always be so, so grateful that after we told them of our plans to continue the pregnancy, they both immediately expressed their full support.  my regular OB, dr. esses, was also 100% supportive.

i have heard so many stories over the last several months of patients who did not have their doctors' support even though it was their personal choice to continue the pregnancy.  and i am sorry for each one of those stories.  to not have our doctors' support would not have changed our minds.  but i tell you that in that moment, already full of devastation upon realizing the impending death of our child, it would have been doubly devastating to hear anything other than words of support from our physicians.  so i am very, very thankful for our doctors.

our first contact with sacred heart emerald coast began with a meeting with our social worker, dawn, a few weeks before my original induction date.  i did not know what a social worker did in a situation like ours, but after meeting with her, i sure was grateful to have her as a liaison to the nurses for us.  i did a lot of worrying about how jonathan's delivery day would go down, and it was all for naught.  of course, i believe that God orchestrated all the details into place, but i would have felt a lot less anxious the closer i became to d-day, had i met with dawn earlier or had known this service was available to me.  although my situation was rare, i have already become aware of two more trisomy cases after mine in which the baby has or will be born at this hospital.  this service to the patient is invaluable, but in my case i was not aware of the service early enough.  once a patient receives a poor prognosis, this should be a next step; therefore, suggestion #1 was that this service be available to the patient immediately after diagnosis.

i then got to brag a bit about the care we received once we arrived for jonathan's birthday.  here are most of the points i made:

i've mentioned on this blog before how great our nurses were.  they made us feel comfortable from the moment we walked into our room. 

speaking of the room, we were given the huge delivery/post-partum room at the end of the hall so that we would be mostly away from other moms and babies during our stay.  sadly, our room had a card placed near the entrance of the room that depicted a leaf and a raindrop on it which apparently lets the staff know that our visit to the hospital is not under the happiest of conditions. 

if you ever see this on a door in the maternity ward, pray for those inside.

one of the nurses set up all of the keepsake items we had brought as a beautiful display in what would have been jonathan's bassinet.

our social worker, dawn, had ordered a "gemma bear" blanket and presented it to us as an incredibly thoughtful gift.  it's embroidered with the words "child of God."

when jonathan was born, the nurses helped take pictures and video of it so that greg wouldn't have to.  they also taped our families meeting jonathan. 

after jonathan passed away, the nurses helped greg give him a bath.  they were so gentle with him and treated him with such care.  (and when i first heard of anyone doing this for their baby once the baby had passed away, i felt kind of uncomfortable about it and wasn't sure if we would do it.  but it became the most natural thing to do for him.  it was our chance to be parents to him and care for him, even after death.)

our day shift nurse, jessica, stayed past the end of her shift to see us through jonathan's birth and passing.  our social worker, dawn, came back to the hospital after going home to tend to her family and stayed till about midnight helping us take handprints, footprints, etc. of jonathan.  i was just too tired to help, so the nurses wound up doing most of this for us.  here were these educated nurses doing menial things for us such as stirring powder and water together to make clay molds for us.  it was way above and beyond any job description, i'm sure.

that night, after the funeral home came to take jonathan, my arms never felt so empty.  it was then that our night nurse, deja', gave us a donated teddy bear from build-a-bear.  at first, i thought we'd give it to kate as a gift to remember jonathan.  well, this past christmas, greg surprised me by having the recording of jonathan's heartbeat placed into the bear's chest and a recording of kate saying, "i love you jonathan!  miss you!" into the bear's hand so that when you squeezed these parts of the bear, the recording would play.  this bear has become a very important keepsake for us and it was incredibly thoughtful of our nurse.

a week or so later, we received a sympathy card in the mail signed by some of the maternity nurses.

there are things i'm sure to have left out that were done for us in the name of kindness.  but as you can see, we were extremely well taken care of and everyone went above and beyond their duties to care for us.  it was so much more than we could have asked for.

my other suggestion was since there have been other trisomy cases come about recently, it seems to me that there needs to be some sort of perinatal hospice program available in the local area.  unfortunately, jonathan did not live long enough to come home with us.  but at one point in our journey with him, we were told there might be a chance that he could survive up to a month if he made it to full-term.  (this was before his heart and kidneys got so bad.)  our decision, based upon the significant information we had regarding his heart and kidneys, was to not put him through surgery, but to give him comfort care only.  (that alone requires a post of it's own for further explanation.)  if he had lived long enough for us to bring him home from the hospital, then we would have needed perinatal hospice.  currently, it is not available to sacred heart emerald coast patients like it is to those who live in pensacola.

after we took turns speaking, those attending the class were able to ask us questions or make comments.  several people in the class participated in this part.  overall, the response was very positive. 

i would say that the central idea that all of us on the panel agreed on was, what you say and how you treat a grieving patient makes a huge impact on the situation, either good or bad.  it is basically common sense that kindness and sensitivity to the patient during a sad time has the power to bring a little light into some very dark hours.   

i walked out of there with a headache from holding back tears as i spoke, but otherwise i felt very good about the experience.  i also feel that if the Lord brings about another opportunity to talk about our journey with jonathan, then it might be easier the next time around.  i won't be seeking it out of course, so we'll just wait and see what happens.

love

greg and i celebrated valentine's day a day early, on saturday night.  i joke that we've been married long enough now that celebrating on the actual day isn't important anymore.  and we don't buy each other gifts.  now we just enjoy anytime we can be alone and go out for a nice dinner.  so that's what we did. 

long before i was married, i completely bought into the commercialization of valentine's day.  i guess what i'm saying is that i had unrealistic expectations of what "romance" was supposed to look like.  i mean, was i the only one not getting diamond earrings on valentine's day when the commercials made it seem that that's what you were supposed to get?   no one ever "went to jared" for me.  of course, i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with buying chocolate hearts and jewelry for your special someone, but after being married for a few years, i have come to realize that fancy gifts on valentine's day does not define the health of your relationship. 

by now, greg and i have experienced some of the best days of our life together (getting married, the birth of our babies) as well as the worst (jonathan's diagnosis, burying our child.)  we have also, by now, most likely seen the very best of each other as well as the worst.  and while it's easy to love someone in the good times, we still choose to love each other during the not-so-good times. 

this kind of love is worth more than diamonds or gold.

*****

"The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing."

~Zephaniah 3:17

at least three times this past week, i have come across this verse.  one of those times, it was sent to me by a friend via email.  i love it when that happens; i don't believe in coincidences. 

 

i particularly love the fact that i happened to study this verse during the week of valentine's day.  i tend to only think of valentine's day as something shared between couples in love and never have i thought of it as a time to celebrate the love my God has for me. 

God truly knows all my flaws and short-comings, and He knows all the things about me that i'm not proud of.  yet, he still loves me in ways that is above anything even my husband can offer me.  i looked up the hebrew concordance for this verse and came up with this further interpretation:

He rescues and delivers me.

He takes great pleasure in me.

He gives me rest with affection.

He serenades me with songs of rejoicing.

john macarthur's bible commentary says:

"As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, the Lord will exult over His people with gladness and song, resting in quiet ecstasy over His people in whom is His delight."

what a beautiful picture of how great the Father's love is for us.  this kind of love is worth more than anything this world has to offer.

a new perspective

my speaking opportunity on monday went way better than i thought it would.  i am not a natural public speaker at all and i usually shy away from such things.  in fact, the thought of speaking to a large group nauseates me.  there is only one thing worse...skit night.  if you have been on a church retreat of any kind, you know what i'm talking about.  i would rather slam my finger in a car door than participate.  but i knew that monday's opportunity was something that i should do, even thought i knew it would be hard for me, especially emotionally.   

on the panel, it was myself, another mom and a grandmother taking turns speaking about our experiences of loss to a room full of nurses, chaplains, and social workers who were there for training on grief.  my sweet friend lindsey came with me since greg couldn't make it. she had participated on the panel last year and added a few helpful suggestions as well. 

our stories provided four unique perspectives on the loss of a baby.

there was a mom struggling with infertility and miscarriages.

the grandmother lost her grandson unexpectedly just 6 hours after he was born to an undiagnosed heart defect.

lindsey lost her precious gabrielle at 22 weeks.

and then there's me, who prepared for months for the death of my baby. 

even though our stories were very different, i was reminded that any experience of loss, whether it was a 6 week old pregnancy or a full term baby, is totally and completely devastating whether its expected or not.  i confess that i tend to minimize my loss with jonathan when i compare it to someone who unexpectedly loses a full-term baby. and on the other hand, it was mentioned that sometimes people downplay miscarriages because the baby is so small and undeveloped, or that the baby hasn't hit that magic number of 20+ weeks.  too many of my friends understand from experience that there is suffering even in the earliest of losses because the bond between mother and baby begins immediately.

as you know, statistically speaking, jonathan should have been a miscarriage.  i used to think that that would have been easier to deal with rather than meeting him and then having to say "goodbye" just 40 minutes after saying "hello." 

last week, a dear friend who is familiar with this sort of loss said something to me that really helped me to look at my loss through different eyes.  she said that she actually felt a little jealous that i got to meet my baby before he died.  you see, my friend did not have that option.  because i know my friend's heart, i know she said what she did to encourage me and to help me find even more good in my circumstances.  until that point, i had only thought of my loss from my own perspective and not from someone who had experienced something similar.

it made me realize that knowing even the most basic things about jonathan was a blessing and has greatly contributed to our memories of him that i would not have had he not survived as long as he did.  like being able to know his gender and to name him.  to feel him move and kick.  to indulge his food cravings.  to know his habits, such as his waking and sleeping patterns.  to bond with him.

i know plenty of people who, if given the option, would take a miscarriage over enduring a lengthy pregnancy destined to end in death.  i can't say i blame them.  but now, i've come to realize that i had the incomparable blessing of being able to meet jonathan.  to hold him.  to watch him open an eye.  to feel his heart beat.  to kiss him.  to tell him i love him.  and to let him go when it was time.

and i wouldn't trade it for a minute.

so back to monday.  yet again, God was faithful. thanks for praying for me! i was very comfortable speaking about my experience and about jonathan. there were a few tears here and there, but seriously, can you blame me? it was so, so good to talk about him. healing, in fact. the best part was getting to talk about what a blessing he was and continues to be to us. sometimes, i just can't get over how crazy that sounds. not ever in my wildest dreams did i think i would be boasting about the wonderful blessing of carrying a baby so sick that he died 40 minutes after he was born. i'm sure it sounds completely preposterous to some people. i tell you, only God can turn something so terribly devastating into something to be thankful for. it's at times when i'm starting to feel down about what i've gone through that He shows me i actually had it pretty good.  and only He can make me realize something like that.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness" ~Psalm 30:11

4 months and a unique opportunity

today i am celebrating jonathan's 4 month birthday by getting to speak in a public forum about my experience.  i was asked to participate on a parents' panel for a training seminar at sacred heart hospital on the emerald coast (where both kate and jonathan were born.) 

not only will the experience be a blessing for me to get to talk about my sweet boy, but it's an opportunity to offer suggestions to hospital staff about what they can improve on.  i must say, i truly appreciate that sacred heart cares enough to strive to offer the best care to their patients, and that they really do want to know where they can improve on their service. 

i am also pleased to say that in both of my experiences giving birth there, even with one being happy and one being bittersweet, that there isn't really much room for improvement.  this hospital is the best of the best (even their food is good!)  and i've mentioned previously how wonderful all the nurses are.  so because i don't really have many suggestions to offer, i have chosen to focus on what they did right when jonathan was born because then i will have more to speak about.

however, needless to say, this will be a very emotional day for me.  it's the first time i will be telling my story (outside of this blog, of course) since jonathan passed away.  please pray for me that i'm able to even get the words out, and that my experience will be helpful to the hospital staff in caring for patients in my situation in the future.

thanks as always for remembering my sweet boy on this day.

how to help a grieving friend

i recently came across an awesome blog series on this topic written by molly piper, john piper's daughter-in-law. molly and her husband lost their 2nd baby unexpectedly at 39 weeks. her series about it, if you visit it, is a very indepth and insightful how-to guide for helping a friend after losing a baby. i was reminded of three things in particular after reading it:

1. i have the world's greatest friends.

2. everyone who desires to be a friend to someone who has suffered such a loss could probably use some tips on the best way to do this, especially if they have not had a similar experience.

3. even though i have been at the receiving end of such kindness, i still need to be reminded how i can help someone else.

our situation was a bit different from molly's, having known jonathan's diagnosis for almost 5 months prior to him being born.  we knew with the condition of his heart and kidneys that he would most likely not survive without a miracle.  we also knew deep down in our hearts that it was part of the Lord's plan not to heal him on earth but in heaven.  therefore, we grieved for him even before he was born, and again after he passed away.   so in collaboration with molly's post, i've taken my own experiences as well as other ideas i've come across while reading books and other blogs, and written my own post about it.

***please note, my goal in writing this is not to be critical, but to offer some encouragement to those of you reading this who are friends or loved ones of someone who has suffered a great loss.

how to help a grieving friend:

1. saying something is better than saying nothing at all. there are still a few people we know who have yet to say anything to us about jonathan, even though they were fully aware of his diagnosis in june and his death in october.  it's quite awkward, understandably, for both sides.

it's been a little hurtful but i'm trying to be understanding about it; mostly because i, too, have been on the other side of this, wondering "do i say something or will it make it worse?" additionally, since i have been in that situation before, i know that it's not black and white. there are all sorts of factors i thought of when trying to decide what, when, and how to say something to someone who had experienced a loss. only now, being on the "wrong" side of this awkward situation, can i assure you: if you're not sure what to say, saying "i don't know what to say other than i am sorry for your loss" or "i just want you to know we've been praying for you" is a great place to start. if face-to-face contact is too much for you, send a card or an email, even. grieving parents want their child to be acknowledged because he means the world to them, even if he is yet to be born. and we want to know that our friends care about us and are praying for us. to not say anything at all might give the impression that you don't care.

however.....

2. use scripture carefully and avoid flippant greeting card-type responses. it may seem in conflict with #1 above, but it's true: even the most well-meaning scripture reference or famous (infamous?) quote can be hurtful. they can minimize the person's loss and undermine her feelings of grief. thankfully, we didn't hear it much, but occasionally someone might say to us, "everything happens for a reason", "God won't give you more than you can't handle" and "jonathan must have been so special that God needed him in heaven." whether the scripture or quote is true or not (i'm quite sure that the God of the universe does not need anyone or anything), sometimes such a response can make the person's suffering seem like an open and shut case. as if by saying something like this will fix everything and help the grieving person to just move on with her life.

again, i am talking to myself here.  in the past, i might be the one to say something like that. my condolences were always genuine, but i admit, probably sounded a bit flippant to my friend. honestly, i don't like knowing my friend is suffering and there's nothing i can do about it. so i offer a verbal band-aid. and i have come to realize that the band-aid was more for me than for my friend. what my friend needed was for me to empathize with her, not offer words lightly. of course, i understand it's all completely well-meaning when these words are said to me too, but i just want to emphasize that there is nothing you can say to make it all go away for your friend. once this is understood, i think that the pressure to say something to "help" will be alleviated and it will be easier to understand what she really needs to hear: "i don't know what you're going through, but i'm here for you."

as far as scripture is concerned, the ones that spoke most to my heart and brought me great encouragement were ones about God being near to me and providing peace, love, and comfort. it was far less about His will, His purposes, the ultimate good, etc. because, quite frankly, i was not ready to embrace those truths for awhile. God's Word is living and active and has amazing power to heal a broken heart. but just be aware that your friend's heart may not be in a place where she can receive it yet.

3.  it's OK to ask questions after your friend receives a poor prenatal diagnosis.  however, it is important that the questions are sensitive to the situation.  while i was pregnant with jonathan, we welcomed questions because we understood his disorder was so rare.  it's just natural for people to be curious about the disorder, why we made the decision to carry him, what the doctors say about it, etc.  we wanted people to know, especially so that they could anticipate and discern how to pray for us.  however, avoid asking your friend when she is going to have another baby, especially while she is still pregnant with a baby not expected to survive.  unless she is a super-close friend, this question is more appropriate several months after your friend's loss.

4. there is no timetable for grief. i've found that some people tend to think of losing a baby as not as difficult than losing an older child, parent, etc. perhaps they feel that way because the time spent with the baby is much more brief and therefore there is not as strong a bond.

however, a loss is still a loss, and people grieve differently. i feel that even though i only had 32 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours and 40 minutes with jonathan, there is also the great loss of not being able to experience life with him; to not see him grow up over the years, get married, have his own family, etc. there is much anguish in "what could have been." there is certainly an empty hole in our hearts and in our family where jonathan should be. it's not something that is easy to recover from, or that someone ever can.

therefore, the best way to help your friend is to understand that she is still grieving, whether it's been a day or a year or 10 years. she will have up days and down days. judging her by her depth or length of grief, or putting unrealistic expectations on her will only cause more harm than good. grieving is a hard place to be already and the last thing your friend needs is added pressure to "get better." instead, come alongside her by praying for her and letting her know you remember and you care (Romans 12.)

5. understand that grieving is hard work. whether she's expecting a loss or has just experienced a loss, just know that your friend is tired. scatterbrained. unorganized. possibly not her fun-loving self as much anymore.

the week that we got jonathan's diagnosis and the week after he was born and then died were obviously the hardest two weeks of my life. i couldn't sleep at all, and had to take sleep aids for those two weeks. for the six months or so that followed his diagnosis, i couldn't focus at all because my thoughts only revolved around one subject. thankfully, i have not had to take any other medications, but keep in mind that your friend might also be exhausted from pain meds, antidepressants, and more. there is just no way a normal person can function the same as before after experiencing such devastation. sure, your friend might seem to have it together just fine in public. but privately, she may have experienced a moment of grieving, and only by the grace of God was able to still make herself presentable in public. and that might just be her major accomplishment of the day.

6. offer specific help. when we first learned of jonathan's diagnosis, greg and i were zombies and could barely function outside of walking aimlessly around the house or vegetating on the couch. my mother immediately came to stay with us and help us with kate for a few days. my friends demanded to bring meals and we had plenty of offers to keep kate for us when necessary.

it was not just wonderful, it helped us survive that first week.

throughout the rest our journey, we continuously had offers of help. my friends did something for me that was invaluable: think for me. they put themselves in my shoes and anticipated what i would need before the need even arose. by the time we learned that i would be induced with only a couple of hours notice, kate had a place to sleep that night, emails were sent out and phone calls made on our behalf, food was brought to the hospital, and friends dropped everything (including work) in order to be available to us. one of my friends bought a head of cabbage for me (some of you know what i mean by that) and the day before the funeral, one of my friends even went out and purchased spanx underwear for me so that i could squeeze into my funeral outfit. seriously. (now those are good friends!) so anticipating your friend's needs and preparing for them in advance is something that is incredibly helpful, especially for someone who can barely think for herself.

7. meals are the way to a friend's heart. we were blessed with meals for more than a month after jonathan died, and they were some of the most amazing gifts to us. i don't like to cook much anyway, and especially not after experiencing such a devastating loss. i just don't think i could have processed the steps necessary to complete a meal. i am so, so thankful i didn't have to! it was a wonderful ministry to our family.

some tips on bringing meals:

i. first see if there is someone in charge of a meal list (from church, etc.) speak directly to them so that you don't make your friend think more than she has to. if not....

ii. don't just ask if you can, insist on bringing a meal. if given the choice, she might turn it down so as not to create a hardship for you. if you really want to, then she really won't mind if you do.

iii. ask ahead of time what type of foods to bring or not. there may be allergies to certain foods, or there may be too much of a certain food (ie, lasagna) that has already been brought. i'm not picky about this, and thankfully my family will eat about anything. but just something to keep in mind for your friend.

iv. bring meals in containers that don't have to be returned, ie, aluminum pans, ziploc storage containers. a grieving friend is too tired and scatterbrained to try to remember what dish goes to who. it's also less work for the meal preparer, in my opinion.

this reminds me of when we brought a meal to friends who had lost their baby almost a year before we lost jonathan. i brought everything to them in disposable pans, etc. except for the bamboo tray i carried it on. she kept trying to remember to bring the tray back to me. then, after jonathan died, she offered to bring a meal and told me she even had a "special tray" to bring it on. "keep it," i told her. "or better yet, burn the tray!" because we joked how the tray was cursed and we didn't want to keep passing the tray back and forth or give it to anyone else.  sometimes you just have to make light of things.

v. when you bring a meal, keep in mind that it may not be a good time for visiting. you'll just have to feel out the situation yourself whether or not your friend desires company. again, people grieve differently, so don't take it personally if you get the vibes that you need to drop the meal off and leave. greg and i didn't mind people staying and visiting, but we didn't feel like crying with anyone. so a friend sent an email out to those on our meal list that our house was a "no-cry zone." and thankfully we didn't have any violators. i say that with a smile and appreciation.

vi. tell your friend not to worry about thank-you notes. the last thing she needs to worry about is writing more thank-yous. she has probably already written a hundred by now anyway. it's not that she's being rude, because trust me, she appreciates you and the meal very much. you probably already know this, so why bother her with a piece of paper?

8. pursue her. include your friend on group outings, playdates, etc, just like before. i know from my experience that i was usually too exhausted or overwhelmed to initiate any get-togethers with my friends. i practically depended on them to invite me and then remind me of any gatherings before they happened. i didn't always return phone calls or emails. but i did appreciate each and every one of them. also keep in mind that she may turn you down, but don't take it personally. it takes a lot of effort to "re-emerge" into life as she knows it after a loss. things are different and that's just the way it is. for me, sometimes there is guilt in having too much fun. or, it's almost a burden to go somewhere where there will be a large group of people and wonder if i have to tell someone new about what happened to jonathan.

for example, i just joined a large women's bible study at church.  at first i worried about participating in a group icebreaker exercise, like having to tell the group what my name is and a little bit about me such as how many kids i have and what their names are. because my name is lauren and i have TWO kids, kate and jonathan. kate will be the only one you see though, because jonathan is with Jesus. ....it's just not fun to say those words even though they are true. i know i don't have to always mention jonathan, but for now it seems as if i am dishonoring him if i leave out that detail.

my friends have done a great job (without even being asked) of gently informing new friends and aquaintances about jonathan so that i don't have to.  that's right, i am glad they are talking about me behind my back and i invite them to continue to do so. :)  i definitely feel more comfortable in large group settings because of this.  this might just be me, though.

9. after a loss, talk about and remember their child.  i truly believe most grieving parents want to celebrate the memory of their child long after a loss, and they like to do it by talking about him/her.  

i have to talk about jonathan to someone at least once a day.  most of the time the conversation is only between God and me, but his name has to be said or it feels like my heart will explode.  this is also why i continue to blog about him.

with my really close friends, i feel completely free to bring up jonathan, and i think that they also feel free to bring up jonathan. that's what makes them so special. they get it.

so don't hesitate to talk to your friend about her baby.  ask how she's really doing, and spend a few moments remembering him.  it doesn't have to be a cry-fest or anything.  but it only takes a few minutes to lift your friend's spirits the rest of the day. 

something else that means a lot is knowing that friends and loved ones visit jonathan's grave and sometimes even leave flowers. it is such a wonderful, thoughtful gesture. i also have a sweet friend who lets me know each month when the 8th rolls around that she's thinking of me, praying for me, and she takes the time to encourage me on that day.

10.  there is enough grace for all of us.  my final thought is that, after saying all of the above, i know it's not all about me, me, me. as much as it hurts to lose a child, i know i'm not the only one who is experiencing some sort of pain. therefore, i work hard on remembering that just because someone does not do or say something i think they should, doesn't mean that it's wrong or that they don't care. God is very generous with grace for those who are suffering. that grace, being a gift without expectation of recompense, is something that we should be willing to share freely with others, specifically when dealing with people and situations that are often not easy or pleasant. i am very thankful for this, having been on the receiving end much more often than the giving end of grace. 

*****

of course i'm no expert, so i'd love it if you left a comment with any further ideas, thoughts, or introspections to add to this post.