haiti

i am a little late in acknowledging the devastation and destruction beyond comprehension caused by the earthquake in haiti. the suffering they are surely experiencing makes most other suffering, including mine, look like a cake walk. we are praying for the haitians as well as the americans that are there, specifically missionaries, the military and other aid workers.

when this happened last week, i began to think about how God fits into all of it. it has been interesting to hear on the news, through friends, and even on facebook what people think about God in relation to the earthquake. i've heard people say things like, "where is God in all of this?", i've heard miraculous stories showing that God is definitely involved, and i've also heard people say insensitive things like "they had it coming" for one reason or another, including the well-known rev. pat robertson.

ugh. i hate it when christians as a whole get negative representation because another one says or does something that is not reflective of the beliefs of us all. who can really know why God allowed the earthquake to happen there? i say now is not the time to make judgements about nation or people as a whole (that's up to God), but it is the time to love them and help them.

interestingly enough, a day or two after the earthquake happened, i came to chapter 10 of randy alcorn's book "if God is good" which is entitled, "natural disasters: creation under the curse of human evil." he says that it all can be traced back the "the fall" where a perfect world became corrupt because of human sin (Genesis 3:17, Romans 8:18-22.) his main points are:

• God is sovereign over all nature. (Psalm 147:18, Job 37:13, Numbers 11:1, Matthew 5:45)
• Sometimes God uses natural disasters to punish evil. (Genesis 6-8, Numbers 16:30, Jonah 1:12, just to name a few)
• Natural disasters ordinarily are general results of the Curse, not specifically linked to the sins of individuals who perish or suffer in them. (Luke 13:2-5)
• Scripture does not distance God from disasters and secondary evils the way his children do. (Isaiah 45:7, Amos 3:6)
• Even when satan is behind natural disasters and diseases, God hasn't relinquished his world-governing power. (Job)
• Some disasters fall on the blameless. (Job)

alcorn also points out the good that can come from these natural disasters:

• Disasters can initiate self-examination (Luke 13:5)
• Disasters can bring out the best in people.
• Disasters can lead to spiritual transformation.
• A world without personal tragedy or natural disasters would produce no heroes.

alcorn says: "one day, in Christ's presence, we will be relieved of evil and suffering, yet we'll remember- and our characters will forever benefit from- what we learned in this world." (p.91)

i have no doubt that God is using the tragedy of this earthquake (and other natural disasters) for some sort of good. we have seen it on a much, much, MUCH smaller scale in our life recently. even through loss and devastation, we have been able to see God much more clearly, whether it was through the absolute perfect timing of events, answered prayers, or through the love of others.

i truly pray that the goodness of God will be seen even in the fog of devastation in haiti.

land of the living

after the temperatures here on the gulf coast dipped down to record lows recently, today was the kind of day that reminds me why i live here in florida. the sky was clear blue and the temperature was around 70 degrees, all in the middle of january. now if it would just stay like that year round...

so what to do on a day like this? take a walk on the beach? take kate to the park?

maybe last year. today, kate and i spent quality time in the cemetery where jonathan is buried.

it's a good thing kate likes going. greg and i have this joke that jonathan always knows we're there to visit him because he hears the galloping of little feet running all around his grave. that, and he hears mommy and daddy constantly telling kate to take her hands out of the bird bath, quit throwing dirt, and put back the ceramic dog/angel/cross/whatever she finds left at the nearby graves.

going on three and a half months now, we still haven't picked out jonathan's headstone. i did feel guilty about this at first, but it's one of the things i've given myself some slack about. really, it's the last thing left to do for jonathan. and maybe that's why we haven't done it yet.

so kate and i wandered around the entire cemetery today checking out headstones to get some ideas for what we want. i had no idea that there were so many options. it's just not something i ever thought i would have to consider. we brought our first gift to jonathan, a little windchime that was given to us that had an angel on it and said "whispers from heaven." kate demanded to carry it around the entire cemetery, so needless to say we made a lot of noise while we were making our rounds. jonathan heard us coming a long way off.

there were a few other people visiting graves out there. a man and woman briefly commented to me on the beautiful weather and the windchimes kate was carrying with her. they were laughing with each other at the gravesite of someone presumably older; probably someone who had lived a full life. there's just not a lot of laughing at the gravesite of a baby or child.

then, for a split second, i had one of those moments (that still occasionally happen, even three and a half months later), that i can't believe this actually happened to me, that i buried my child. not to mention, a cemetery is not exactly the place i had envisioned spending beautiful afternoons. or the place i would have ever considered bringing kate to "play." but here we are. it's the reality i live with, though i'm determined not to let it steal my joy.

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. " ~Psalm 27:13-14

dedication

today was kind of tough.

only when greg and i sat down in church today and looked over the bulletin did we realize that today was baby dedication day for babies born over the past few months. i quickly scanned the names and birthdates. september, october, november birthdates were on there.

my heart sank.

as we sat there, politely listening to how great a blessing these babies are (and they certainly are), i couldn't help feeling uncomfortable and out of place. it wasn't because of anything our church did or didn't do. it was because i felt that we were supposed to be up there, proudly holding up our sweet baby boy for all to see and admire, too. today we should have been dedicating him to the Lord, being prayed over by our church family, and celebrating his life.

there are days where i feel i have submitted myself fully to the Lord's sovereign plan for jonathan and for our family.

and then there are days like today when i realize that jonathan's absence is still waging war deep in my heart between what i feel about him being gone and what i know and believe about God.

i feel guilty for feeling this way, and God is probably thinking something along the lines of, "what more do you want from Me?!?", after being so real, so present, and so....good to us during our journey with jonathan.

i guess my hands are still clenched around the hopes and dreams of a healthy baby boy named jonathan. i don't know why, seeing that he's been gone three months now. maybe there is still some questioning deep down. maybe even some resentment. maybe i just need more time to heal. maybe i need an occasional harsh reminder that i haven't completely surrendered all those deep down feelings to the Lord.

tonight i found myself back at 1 Samuel 1, with the story of hannah. hannah was infertile, but after petitioning the Lord for a son and promising his life to Him, she was given a son, samuel. and with a thankful heart for His answer to her prayers, she dedicated samuel back to the Lord.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

samuel went on to become one of ancient israel's great leaders.

when i compare the story of hannah and samuel to my story with jonathan, i can see that:

~i, too, desperately prayed for my son (although the prayers were vastly different.)
~the Lord also answered my prayers over and beyond my expectations.
~jonathan, for being only 40 minutes old, has an amazing legacy himself.

perhaps it's time, with grateful acknowledgement of the Lord's provision, to dedicate jonathan's life fully to the Lord.

i'll do it quietly in my heart and let the Lord handle the details for a heavenly celebration.

make it beautiful

“To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.” ~Isaiah 61:3

huge, beautiful oak trees are abundant here in the florida panhandle. when greg and i did the landscaping for our current house, we studied them in order to decide whether or not to plant them in our yard. we learned that they grow slowly and take root deeply. over the years, the roots become as deep and far-reaching in the ground as the tree becomes tall and wide, giving each tree incredible strength to endure the harshest of storms. this is good, because we also tend to have lots of hurricanes and tropical storms here on the coast.

eden state gardens, florida

i'm sure God created the oaks like that in order that they would endure the hurricanes, just as He has provided us with all the strength and grace we need to endure the storms we might face. it brings Him glory.

He could stop there, but it keeps getting better. in typical God fashion, even after He provides what we need, He still promises beauty, joy, and praise.

just barely over three months after losing jonathan, we have seen some of these promises come to fruition. jonathan may not be here physically anymore, but we obviously have not reached the end of his story. much of our heartache has been soothed over time with the continuous reassurance that jonathan's life had a wonderful purpose. the joy and praise that has come from this has helped to drown out the silence where there should be the cries of a 3 month old baby.

but life is moving quickly by. three months will become four, then five, and so on. i realize that as time goes on, the stories we hear of how jonathan's life has touched others will become much more infrequent, or even cease. yet i pray that because jonathan has become so deeply a part of our very beings, just like kate has, that our lives will continue to be shaped and molded in such a way that jonathan is a vital component of the process. that our family's story will never be the same because of jonathan's life. jonathan's story will continue because our family continues.

i don't know what our story will be. i leave that in the hands of the Storyteller.

but i pray He will make it beautiful.

He promises to make it beautiful.

baggage-free

well, already 2010 has not started like i envisioned.

the good news is that "losing 5 pounds" will no longer be my new year's resolution. i can check that one off already.

that's right, i spent the first two days of the new year very sick. it appears a stomach virus (no doubt lingering from that mean ol' 2009) had attacked 2/3 of our family. i thought i had food poisoning until greg also got sick. we immediately had kate whisked off to the grandparents' and used an entire can of lysol in our house. that seems to have done the trick. so far kate has escaped it's wrath, thank goodness.

we apologize in advance to the friends we hung out with for several hours on new year's eve.

and i apologize to my mother, who is sick even as i type this.

*****

i normally don't make a big deal about new year's resolutions or "starting over" every time january first rolls around. i might make a goal to read more, eat less, and water my plants more often or something boring like that.

well this year, i stood on 2010's doorstep with a ton of baggage collected over the past few months.

and i made the choice to step over the threshold and leave the baggage behind:

~minor regrets of things i should have done or didn't do while i was pregnant with jonathan or while he was alive in my arms....gone.

~getting thank-you notes out in a timely manner or not visiting jonathan's grave enough....gone.

~and the big one: letting people's negative reactions or comments about our decision to keep jonathan, or about our faith bother me....gone.

and that's just the tip of the baggage iceberg for me.

i have realized that by concerning myself with these types of things, especially the ones i can't change or put too much pressure on myself about, have caused me to become very weary. i recently found myself back at the place where my prayers were one word, "help," because i was too tired and overwhelmed to pray anything else.

in 2010, i gladly hand it over to the One who says:

"Come unto me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " ~Matthew 11: 28-29

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." ~Psalm 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

i pray each of you have a baggage-free 2010!

a year of refining

usually when a year ends, i like to reflect on the past 12 months by counting my blessings and marveling at how fast the year has flown by. like the year before, a lot of this past year has been measured by more of kate's firsts: her first complete sentence, her first time on an airplane, her first time using the potty...you know, the important things. in fact, i'm not so sure what we did every year before kids.

however, this year i'm not sure what to make of it all. my first instinct is to say that i am glad 2009 is over. it's been a rough year for us and quite frankly, i'm ready to start anew with 2010. but after examining our year, i realize that there were many, many blessings that happened mostly, if not only, because of the trials and difficulties we faced over the past several months. that's right: trials + difficulties = blessings. is that possible? with God, yes.

at the same time, i can't deny that losing jonathan has changed me in many ways. i'm not sure that anyone out there can say that losing a baby like that doesn't shake you so deeply to the core that you come out exactly the same person you were going in.

it humbles you.
it quiets you.
it reveals your weaknesses, and therefore your desperate need for Christ.
and it gives amazing perspective, once you take your eyes off yourself and look at Him.

eventually, i became to understand that for me, it was very much a faith and character refining process.

"For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver." ~Psalm 66:10

"See, I have refined you....I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." ~ Isaiah 48:10

a refiner's fire melts down the bar of silver or gold, seperates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. this, i believe, exactly describes what our journey with jonathan has done for my faith and my heart. and let me tell you, the process of having the very deepest, darkest corners of my heart scoured and swept clean (and in a very public manner, i might add) is excruciatingly painful. yet, it's very healing and liberating at the same time.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." ~Ezekiel 36:26

i believe my experience with jonathan has changed me for the better. i'm totally OK with never being the "same" again. and because i can't go back and change the circumstances of 2009, i choose to be thankful for them.

however, i really do want to reach the point where even if i could go back and change the circumstances of the past year, that i wouldn't; to truly accept that the life and loss of our precious baby boy was for a greater gain that i might never be aware of while i live. so far, this has been the greatest challenge my faith has ever faced. in fact, it is probably the greatest perplexity a parent might ever face, in trying to understand that God had a good reason for their baby to die.

i take great comfort in the fact that God, who willingly gave the life of His Son for our gain, knows how i feel in my loss.

He knows how i need to be consoled and encouraged, and He provides.
He allows me to question Him and gently responds with love through His word.
He knows what i need to move forward, in faith and in life, and gives me hope.

i find all of these things (encouragement, answers, hope) in this scripture:

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." ~1 Peter 1:6-8

so 2009 will go down in our books as the most difficult year we've faced thus far. but i trust that the growth of our faith that has and is to come from it will be worth more than anything we could have ever lost.

God is still good

i'm sad to report that baby michael was born at peace last night around 9:35. his parents' utmost concern for him was that he did not suffer, and they have assurance that he did not. please continue to pray for this grieving family.

when God chooses not to answer a prayer, or answer a prayer in a way that is different than what we think it should be...it's very easy to struggle with the "whys." i admit, i wonder why the Lord would take michael before he was born.

but after examining who God is....

He is righteous and just: "He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." ~Deut. 32:4

He is perfect: "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." ~Ps. 18:30

He is full of grace: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." ~1 Pet. 5:10

He is merciful: "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..." ~Ex. 34:6

He is love: "...God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." ~1 John 4:16

He is good: "For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Ps. 100:5

He is truthful and faithful: "God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged." ~Heb. 6:18

He is wise: "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" ~Rom. 11:33

He is all-knowing: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

and, we cannot possibly begin to fathom why God does what He does: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:9

by faith we must accept His ways, but knowing these wonderful truths about Him makes it that much easier.

so no matter what the answer to our prayers for michael could have been, God is still good...

update on baby michael

thanks so much for praying for the family i mentioned in the below post! she has been in labor all day but not much progression. right now it looks like baby michael will be born tomorrow sometime.

please keep praying, especially that michael would be born alive. a long labor might be tough on the little guy. i'll post an update when i get one.

with love and gratitude,
lauren

please pray

i have learned that when you walk through a trial, the Lord is very gracious to go before you. He doesn't let you go through it alone.

i have seen this very evidently in our journey with jonathan, as God placed special people in our life that had experienced similar, recent loss.

six months before our diagnosis, a sweet friend of mine lost her baby girl at 22 weeks.

back around the time that kate was born, good friends of greg's lost their son shortly after birth.

and a little over three years ago, friends of ours from church lost their baby boy to trisomy 18.

each of these families has provided much encouragement and support to us over the past several months. they understand exactly what we are going through.

recently, i was talking with my friend who lost her baby girl about how the Lord had provided people like this in our lives to help us through. my friend, too, had incredible support from someone who had lost a baby shortly before she did.

well, i want to share this story and ask for your prayers for a special family.

early last spring sometime, i was at the destin commons playground with kate and met a very nice woman who was there with her two kids. she asked me about kate's dress, which i had made, and before i knew it she had made a couple of dress orders. and that was the start of our friendship.

she has been an amazing prayer warrior for our family after learning of jonathan's diagnosis, and was also the one who blessed us with the prayer/wish frame that we used at jonathan's celebration of life and at the funeral. (pictured)

tomorrow, her sister-in-law, who is carrying a trisomy 18 baby boy, is being induced. my doctor is also her doctor. she will deliver at the same hospital we did. i know she will receive the best care in this area.

please pray that her baby boy will be born alive. they long to meet him and to hold him, just like we did with jonathan. please pray for an easy delivery and for much peace for her entire family. please also pray for her doctor and the nurses that will be taking care of her.

thinking of what she will go through tomorrow brings back those mixed feelings of sorrow and joy. it is a hard, hard, journey but we "can do all things through Christ who gives us strength." Phillipians 4:13. only because of Christ did we make it through. and it will be the same for this family.

thank you for praying!

virtual book club, anyone?

thanks to the thoughtfulness of my husband this christmas, i am now beginning the book "If God is Good" by randy alcorn. it's about faith in the midst of suffering and evil. (yes, i wanted this book.)

here is the brief synopsis:

Every one of us will experience suffering. Many of us are experiencing it now. As we have seen in recent years, evil is real in our world, present and close to each one of us. In such difficult times, suffering and evil beg questions about God--Why would an all-good and all-powerful God create a world full of evil and suffering? And then, how can there be a God if suffering and evil exist?

These are ancient questions, but also modern ones as well. Atheists such as Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and even former believers like Bart Ehrman answer the question simply: The existence of suffering and evil proves there is no God.

In this captivating new book, best-selling author Randy Alcorn challenges the logic of disbelief, and brings a fresh, realistic, and thoroughly biblical insight to the issues these important questions raise. Alcorn offers insights from his conversations with men and women whose lives have been torn apart by suffering, and yet whose faith in God burns brighter than ever. He reveals the big picture of who God is and what God is doing in the world–now and forever. And he equips you to share your faith more clearly and genuinely in this world of pain and fear. As he did in his best-selling book, Heaven, Randy Alcorn delves deep into a profound subject, and through compelling stories, provocative questions and answers, and keen biblical understanding, he brings assurance and hope to all.

i found these wonderful tidbits in this book, which i can completely relate to in our experience with losing jonathan, and that i'm sure many other people can as well:

"God knows what good may arise from a disease or disability and what evil could come if that disease or disability were withheld or healed." (p. 232)

alcorn continues to share about a young woman born with hypertelorism, a facial abnormality and quotes from her website:

“I don’t really like the phrase “birth defect” – it contradicts my theology. A “defect” implies a mistake and I believe that God is sovereign. If he had the power to create the entire universe according to his exact specifications, then my face was certainly no challenge for him! If God is loving, why did he deform my face? I don’t know – maybe because with a normal face I would have been robbed of the thousands and thousands of blessings that I have received because of my deformities. It seems odd, but usually our greatest trial is what most molds and shapes us. It gives us character, backbone, courage, wisdom, discernment, and friendships that are not shallow.” (p. 232)

alcorn also quotes the mother who wrote:

“I believe that God chose this sorrow for our family. And surprisingly, what I first felt was a sorrow, I see now as a joy. In all sincerity, if given such a chance, I would not change the journey our family has traveled. We have all learned, we have all grown, and we love the Lord and His sovereign direction for our lives.” (p. 232)

*****

one thing we have heard people say to us over and over again that they felt that we did not deserve to lose jonathan, and that it just wasn't fair that it happened to us. however, i have believed from the beginning that jonathan's life was no mistake. his short life was ordained long, long ago by a God who knows the good that was and is to come of it, even though many will not understand why this happened.

two and a half months later, i still believe this and especially now that we have seen some of the fruit of his life. seeing the good that has come from this journey given us much to be joyful about in spite of the sad circumstances. every day we become stronger in our faith and in our determination to trust the sovereignty of God. i just don't know how people make it through tough times without any Hope.

so....all that to say that i'm really looking forward to reading this book. i need a fresh biblical perspective on the suffering we've experienced lately. (and i'm especially glad that someone else did the years of research and wrapped it all up in a tidy package. is that wrong?)

if anyone, especially other T13 moms, would like to join me in reading the book "together," let me know. i'm sure i'll be occasionally remarking about the book here and i welcome your comments and messages.

remembering jonathan at christmas

i've been contemplating which thoughts to post here lately. our journey with jonathan has certainly had it's share of mountains and valleys, and the same is true of our time of grieving for our loss. most of the time my posts are constructed of thoughts over a period of days but lately my thoughts are scattered all over the place and cannot be pieced together to make any sense. on a day where i might feel sad and consider writing one thing, it is countered the next day with joy and i feel like writing something else.

this thing called grief can be very paradoxical at times.

it is how i feel with christmas being right around the corner. sad that there are four stockings hung and only three of us to enjoy them. sad that the only tangible hint of jonathan anywhere is the ornament on our tree that bears his footprints. sad because we are experiencing another "first" without our baby boy. i admit, these thoughts take away a little of the sparkle out of the season for me.

and yet, every day it seems, my spirits are gently lifted in some way. to this day, we still get a card in the mail here or there with someone telling us how they are praying for us. or i receive an encouraging email from someone, telling me how much jonathan's life has touched them. it always comes at the right time.

isn't that just like God to do that?

it is so important to me that jonathan's memory continues. i will always have the memories of my pregnancy and then the 40 minutes we had with him. i get to say that i have "two kids." just because jonathan's life was short does not diminish the fact that he lived. but, i don't get to make any new memories. and i suppose i'm just like any other proud mother out there who enjoys talking about her kids. i like talking about jonathan. and i'm thankful i have friends who allow me to, and sometimes even bring it up first.

greg and i said from the beginning of this journey that we would keep jonathan's memory alive in our family. kate will continue to be a big sister. any future baby will know about his/her big brother. we will continue forward in a positive way, celebrating milestones of life as if jonathan was still with us. except we will just bring the celebration to him at his resting place.

i just bought a small christmas tree that in years to come our family can decorate together and place at his grave. it's a small, small way that we can include him each year. i imagine creating lots of handmade ornaments (mostly by kate) and decorating it amidst lots of joy and laughter, year after year. for it won't be lost on us that jonathan is having the ultimate christmas celebration with Christ the King himself.

how it brings me such joy that jonathan is still being remembered and treasured. as a parent who has lost a baby, i know i am not alone in my deep desire that my child will not be forgotten.

isn't that how God surely feels about His Son?

thank you for allowing me to remember them both here.

merry christmas to you!

*****

my mom found this baby angel ornament at target....note that it says "gift from God" at the bottom. that is what jonathan's name means. isn't it perfect? by the time i got there to buy several to give as gifts in remembrance of jonathan, i couldn't find any more.

missing her brother

like i mentioned in this previous post, kate is very aware of where we are, even when we're driving in the car.

driving to a friend's house this morning, we passed heritage gardens, where jonathan is buried.

this was our conversation as we passed by:

kate: jon-than? hi jon-than!

me: you mean jackson? (i was confused at first, since jackson was the little boy we would be seeing that morning.)

kate: jon-than! please?

me: aw, maybe next time we'll go visit jonathan. you miss him, don't you?

kate: baby jesus.

me: yes, jonathan is with jesus.

*****

everytime we go visit jonathan's grave, kate has the best time. she actually looks forward to going. and when it's time to leave, she always says the same thing: "bye-bye, jon-than! miss you!"

i'm so thankful that my little girl has such a tender heart towards her baby brother who she only met once. i pray she never forgets him.

a must-read

i have a new favorite author and his name is randy alcorn. i just finished his book, "heaven", and i'm telling everyone about it.

for me, it gave great perspective during these past few difficult months. there is that cliche that people use when you go through a devastating event: "with time, it will get better." or, "this, too, shall pass." reading this book was like i had pushed a fast-forward button for my grieving time for jonathan.

in a nutshell, (the book is 500+ pages long, but don't let that scare you) isn't it true that when you're in a situation that you know is temporary, it makes it a lot easier to get through it? when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, people can endure extraordinary difficulties for a short amount of time. for me right now, it is the death of my baby boy. for someone else, it may be a difficult marriage. or taking care of a family member who is unable to care for themselves. or, it may be a missionary who has given up all material possessions and family to live in a jungle far from home in order to share who Jesus is.

i get that now.

i believe that it is a better understanding of heaven and what awaits us there, that allows for someone to be able to gracefully endure the hardships of this world that we all will face at some point. it is the understanding that our life here in this world is but a fleeting moment while our time in true paradise lasts for an eternity.

"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people;the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..." Isaiah 65:17-20.

alcorn does a great job of sticking to the scriptures and making sure that everything he says is biblically-based and not opinion or flippant inference. he covers all the questions people have about heaven, including what we will know and learn, what our relationships with each other will be like, what we might do in heaven (will we be bored?) it's a must-read for everyone, believers and unbelievers alike, and especially, in my opinion, moms like me who need to know more about this place where our babies are and what it will be like to see them again.

if you read it, or have read it, i'd love to hear your thoughts.

2 months

my sweet jonathan is celebrating his 2-month birthday with the angels today. i imagine that there is no better birthday party than one celebrated in heaven, and that the happy birthday song does not sound any sweeter than when sung by angels.

i'm praying for all the mommies i know out there who have also lost a child or who are carrying babies who have received a fatal diagnosis. whether you have contacted me by email or through this blog, you are on my mind today (and often.)

love,
lauren

stockings

jonathan's due date was today. i didn't think this day would bother me so much until it actually arrived. i spent the day decorating my house for christmas, trying to keep my mind off the fact that a few months ago i believed i would be bringing home a healthy baby about now. how different things wound up being.

over the past couple of months i've noticed that kate, who turned two yesterday, has become more and more observant of her surroundings. when we're in the car, she knows where we are going by certain landmarks. about a month ago, i told her i was taking her to the park. i usually take her to a certain park, but on that day, i was taking her to a different, better one. as i drove out of the driveway and into the street, she burst into tears, crying, "park! park!" apparently, i had not driven the direction she was accustomed to going when i normally took her to the park. i spent half of the drive there trying to console her and convince her we were still going to the park, it was just a different and better one!

this is how i tend to react when things in my life go in a different, seemingly wrong direction.

except it's God at the wheel and i'm in the backseat trying to explain to Him that He made a wrong turn.

He convinces me with:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

so today, as i was pulling out decorations and hanging up wreaths, lights, and ornaments, i came to the box that held our stockings. i had just bought them last christmas, and i knew i had purchased four matching ones since i was hoping for a new baby this year. my heart sank a bit because for now there would be a stocking for jonathan, but i wasn't sure i could find another matching stocking for a future baby. but as i opened the box, to my amazement, there were five stockings in the box. then i remembered that i had purchased one extra one, "just in case." my heart became full of joy and praise. God knew that one day we would need five stockings.

my mantle looks so festive with lights, candles, and the four matching stockings. i even imagined what it might look like next christmas with the five stockings, if that is part of His will.

i can't begin to fathom what kind of plans God has for my future. but i do know they are good. so i am just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

sunset

i wanted to share this picture that i took tonight of the sunset over navarre beach. what a beautiful taste of all the splendor jonathan must know! i'm so thankful that the Lord shares these crumbs of heaven with us, that our appetites might be increased for our true home.

(double click to open a larger screen)

"The Mighty One, God, the LORD,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.
From Zion, perfect in beauty,
God shines forth.
Our God comes and will not be silent;
a fire devours before him,
and around him a tempest rages."
~Psalm 50:1-3

grace and thanksgiving

“All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” ~2 Corinthians 4:15

the birth of my daughter just after thanksgiving two years ago has given this time of year even more meaning for me. i remember that particular thanksgiving day, hoping that i would eat myself into labor. instead, i was induced a couple days later and left the hospital with my arms full of 8 pounds, 4 ounces of beautiful, healthy baby girl. our lives had changed for the better and because of her we had that much more reason to be thankful.

since jonathan’s and kate’s due dates were the exact same date (november 30), my pregnancy with jonathan was measured against my pregnancy with kate from the beginning. i compared my weight, the babies' measurements, and how i felt during each pregnancy. we would also share special times of the year together, just as i did with kate. for instance, both babies were 12 weeks old when they flew on an airplane to st. louis to visit family. both babies were 15 weeks on our anniversary. both babies were 25 weeks on my birthday. we would share many holidays and special times with family, such as thanksgiving. or so i thought. i can’t help but think that jonathan should still be here with us for thanksgiving this year. but even though he’s not, i still have a 4 pound, 3 ounce reason to be especially thankful this year.

however, i could say that 2009 has been an extremely hard year for us. i could dwell over my grandmother’s passing early this year followed by the eight months of being consumed with a very complicated pregnancy and then losing our baby boy to a cruel disorder. i could be angry that God in all of His infinite power, chose not to heal my son. i could say that that alone would be enough difficulty for one year, but then add to it almost losing a pet (twice), less than a month after jonathan died and the related expense with keeping her alive and well…i could say i’m ready for 2009 to be over with.

this is the attitude i’m often tempted to abide in. it’s not pretty.

i know i am not alone in having a rough year. in fact, there is a lot of suffering going on in the lives of people i know right now: cancer. life-threatening surgeries. car accidents. financial burdens. infertility. divorce. death. the list goes on.

i’ve written here before that when you’re deep in the pit of despair, things become a lot clearer. some of you know what i mean. when i was there, i was able to see that the issues i felt made my life difficult, pre-diagnosis, were nothing more than petty annoyances. yet they caused me to take for granted many blessings in my life. post-diagnosis, i caught myself many times longing for my “old life” back, wishing there was some way to turn back time to the days where things were going pretty well in life for me, and to be more thankful for every moment.

fresh out of the pit, i still see pretty clearly these days. to believe anything other than the fact that i am blessed and have so much to be thankful for would completely dishonor jonathan’s life and depreciate the amazing grace that has been bestowed generously to me during our time with jonathan.

thanks to jonathan, i know better than to allow myself to believe that God is anything but good, even when it appears He allows bad or tragic things to happen. among the many lessons my time with jonathan has taught me, i have learned that when you’re in the darkest hours of your life, His grace is readily available and will provide for your every need.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." ~Hebrews 4:16

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." ~2 Corinthians 9:8

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~2 Corinthians 12:9

i am thankful for many of the same blessings year after year, but this year the blessings take on a bit more significance:

i am thankful for my husband. you don’t know what your marriage is made of until you are tested with a trial of life and death proportions; where the decisions you make together will not only affect the rest of your lives, but that you will both be held accountable for one day before God Himself. where if there is any strife or contention between the two of you, it becomes like a thread unraveling, eventually giving way under the pressure of being pulled in two different directions. i am so thankful that this is not our story. i am so blessed that when we were knit together in marriage 6-plus years ago that our most valuable asset we had in each other was our trust and faith in God. this is a cord not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12.) greg and i didn’t have decisions to argue over. we only had each other to lean on while the decisions for jonathan’s life were left up to the Lord. our time with jonathan has only strengthened the bond we share.

i am thankful for our families. greg and i are blessed as it is to live so close to our parents, but to have their unending support in so many ways is invaluable. both kate and jonathan are so loved by them, and there is nothing better than watching your parents completely adore and care for your children. we are so glad that they were all able to meet jonathan shortly after his birth and enjoy that time together as one big family.

i am thankful for good health. my physical and emotional recovery has been good. our family is also doing very well.

i am thankful for my church. when i began attending about 8 years ago, i had no idea that i would meet my husband there, meet true lifelong friends there, and develop a much deeper relationship with the Lord thanks to my church’s careful devotion to teaching scripture. we know that our pastors and church body were faithfully praying for us, and they certainly bent over backward for us by putting together an amazing funeral for jonathan. our church family made certain we were fed well, that kate was looked after when necessary, and that basically any need of ours was met. their love for us and service to us is a true testimony of what the body of Christ looks like in action. what a blessing to be at the receiving end of it during our time of need.

i am thankful for my friends. when we first embarked on our journey, someone told me that during our trial, we would find out who our “true” friends are; that because of the difficulty and potential awkwardness of our situation, some people would not know what to say and just avoid us altogether. this has (mostly) not been the case for us. we have been blessed with many true friends who supported us in so many ways. we have even been contacted by old friends we haven’t seen in years who have offered their support. we have also gained some new “friends” through this blog and through the “living with trisomy 13” website, who have prayed for us and supported us.

but mostly this thanksgiving season, i am thankful for grace. grace means unmerited favor from God, and we certainly have been showered abundantly with it.

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." ~Ephesians 2:4-10

it is "by grace" that through jonathan’s life, i can better understand that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~Romans 8:28. though the trials and tragedies we face may sometimes cause us to question God’s goodness and purposes, we must be steady in the belief that God knows what we don't, and none of this changes who He is.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~Romans 12:2

it is also truly “by grace” that i can be thankful in the midst of what most people consider to be an unimaginable tragedy. that i am able to get out of bed each day. that i am able to smile, laugh, and count my blessings.

“From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.” ~John 1:16

may you also have much to be thankful for this season.

comforted

greg and i have tried our best to be as open as possible about our journey with jonathan, partly so that we would avoid some potentially awkward situations. well, last week i had my first really awkward moment since i've "re-emerged" back into life without my pregnant belly. i went into one of my favorite stores where i know most of the ladies who work there, and i just figured that all of them knew about my situation. sure enough, one of the ladies excitedly asked me where my new baby was. i was put on the spot. i fumbled with my words, doing the best i could to gently explain what had happened. as she stood there with her mouth gaping open and tears in her eyes, i realized i probably had ruined her day. and what wasn't the first time and surely won't be the last, i became the comforter.

note to self: don't go there anymore! be better prepared!

well, i still haven't prepared myself for the next time, hence my complete avoidance of a certain sweet lady at the walmart fabric counter today. ( i didn't really need that fabric anyway.) i am completely OK with my story and how it turned out. other people may not feel that same way. i'm just not sure i want to face ruining someone else's perfectly good day when all they wanted to know was how my new baby was doing.

"jonathan is doing great! better than great, actually!" is what i really want to say. because i know he is.

*****

my mom asked me the other day how long i was going to keep blogging here. i have been thinking about that too. i guess as long as i have something to say about jonathan or my time with him, then i will say it in this forum. this was always intended to be his "baby journal" anyway. blogging/journaling has been very healing for me and i'm very glad to share his story with anyone who might read it. i know that reading other moms' blogs, especially T13 moms, has comforted me on my own T13 journey. i pray that perhaps my blog would do the same for someone one day too.

recently, i have been saddened to hear about the deaths of several other T13 babies who i have prayed for and whose stories i have followed on the living with trisomy 13 website. having been there myself just over a month ago, the grief and sadness these families must feel is still very fresh for me. i haven't cried for jonathan lately, but i have cried for these other precious babies. i have also felt joy in hearing how beautiful these stories turned out. the words these moms have written in their blogs and memorial albums have truly resonated with me.

one thing i have learned is that everyone grieves differently. there is no guide for what's appropriate, and i think this is a good thing. i have mentioned in a previous blog that i feel somewhat guilty for grieving more for jonathan while he was still alive than after his passing. i have also realized that there is an expectation of me, of how long i should grieve and what my grieving should look like. i was beginning to think that maybe something was wrong with me because i haven't cried for jonathan in a long time. or maybe, i just didn't want other people to think something was wrong with me because i was....happy.

this past sunday, i was released from my guilt when i read about king david's grieving for his infant son in 2 Samuel 12:21-23:

"His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"

He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

there are so many more interesting details to this story about king david and his infant son, but the part that stands out to me is that david knew that continuing his intense grieving would not bring his son back to life. he loved this child, that was apparent. praying for the life of this child was more important to him than eating. but he had accepted God's will for the death of his son. when he said, "I will go to him, but he will not return to me" means that david knew he would eventually join his son one day in heaven. it apparently brought him the peace necessary to carry on with life after the death of this child.

this is me. and i am very comforted to have read this passage.

if you have also lost a child and this is not you, that's OK too. everyone is different. cling to the truth that the Lord promises to comfort His children:

"For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones." ~Isaiah 49:13

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." ~Isaiah 66:13

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." ~Jeremiah 31:13

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." ~Matthew 5:4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-5

dear jonathan

my sweet jonathan,
i have been wanting to write you a letter for awhile now. however, i know for sure that my words will never be adequate to express what you mean to me. i can only hope that when you were welcomed into heaven, the Lord showed you the depth of our love for you and what your life has meant to us and to others.

when your daddy and i first learned of our pregnancy with you, we were so excited. our lives were going to change because of this wonderful blessing. little did we know!

i made your sister, kate, a shirt that said, "i'm going to be a big sister!" and she wore it to break the exciting news to your grandparents. everyone loved you from the moment they knew you were to be. we wondered what you would be like, if you would be a boy or girl? would you have blond hair and blue eyes like your sister? were you going to have more of mommy's or daddy's personality? we began planning for you, and dreaming about your future. from the very beginning of your life, we knew that you were chosen for our family and we couldn't wait to meet you.

at only 17 weeks old, the story of your life changed drastically in just one day. as we watched you on the ultrasound screen dancing, kicking, and so full of life, they explained to us that something was wrong and you would probably die. the road before us had suddenly forked and there was a decision of great magnitude and consequence to be made about which road to travel. one road was very wide and smooth but led to death, and the other was very narrow and rocky, but led to life.

sweet baby, please know that there never really was a choice. we knew the decision whether you lived or died did not belong to us.

we came to terms with the realization that the story of your life would be different and shorter than most. in our quest for understanding, we put away the pregnancy and baby books and began studying the scriptures. in our acceptance, the Lord showed us that His plans were no less greater for you.

dear jonathan, do you know your life has made a difference in this world?

did you know that from the moment we told others about your diagnosis, family, friends, and even strangers were on their knees praying for you? did you know that our friends and family told their friends and families, and therefore a huge prayer chain was created just for you? did you know that this blog, which was only intended to be a simple vehicle to keep family and friends updated on our situation, has been read by over 65,000 different people? did you know that through the generous donations of goods and money from those you have never met, children in need from our local area and all the way in africa will be helped and provided for because of your life?

did you know that people have told us that their lives, their faith was changed because of your life story? did you know that people have told us that they made the decision to continue their pregnancies even though they too had a fatal diagnosis, because of your life? did you know that complete strangers have told us how they look forward to meeting you one day in heaven? did you know that because of your life, family bonds were made stronger and deep friendships were forged? did you know that the significance of your life has touched even young children, who prayed for you, drew pictures of you for us, who came to your funeral by choice, who have talked to you at your gravesite, and who have told me how "cute" you were?

dear jonathan, one of the best days of my life was the day you were born.

five minutes old here

we could not have known that this day would be so wonderful, as we walked into the hospital with both fear and excited anticipation of your arrival. i will never forget the moment when you were born and we learned you were alive! i will never forget seeing you for the first time and thinking how perfect you were. and i will never, never forget the indescribable feeling of being in the Lord's presence when He took you home. your hospital room became a sanctuary that night.

dear jonathan, there was so much rejoicing when you were born. when our doctor went to inform our family and friends that you were here and you were alive, a celebratory cheer of praise and thankfulness echoed down the hospital hall. when they weighed you and we learned you were 4 pounds, 3 ounces, we also cheered for you because at only 32 weeks old and expected to be small, it was a major achievement! you were so determined to make it, weren't you? but the greatest gift to us and indeed a miracle, was that the Lord blessed us with 40 minutes with you. forty minutes was 39 minutes above and beyond what we had petitioned of God. we rejoiced in every minute we had with you. and while that time was brief, we do not forget that we had 32 weeks and 4 days with you as well, which we will always treasure.

dear jonathan, do you know that you have changed my life?

before you came, i was OK with my comfortable life, my comfortable identity, and my comfortable walk with the Lord. and i was OK with not changing a single thing about it. because of your life and the journey we went on together, my faith has been transformed from barely adequate to unshakeable. my perspective no longer flounders in this world but has become established on the eternal. they said you were too sick to survive, but because of your "sickness", you have brought great healing into my life. they called your condition "incompatible with life", but you showed me how beautiful life really is.

because of you, i have learned how to truly love unconditionally. to trust unconditionally. to believe and to hope unconditionally. i have learned through your life that God's promises are always true and His will is always best. i have learned that it's not about me nor my plans for my life, it's about Him and His plans, for His glory. and jonathan, i do believe i can justifiably say that your life did indeed bring Him glory. not because of anything we did, but because of everything He did. sometimes during our journey, i felt as if i was just a front-row spectator watching your life take on incredible meaning and purpose. how blessed are you that God would choose you for such a mission. and how blessed are we that we witnessed it first-hand.

there is just so much to tell you, so much good that has come of your life that i cannot begin to describe here. perhaps you know all this better than we do, and even more. you, sweet jonathan, have an amazing legacy. your life is a miracle. we are so proud to have been chosen to be a part of this miracle. and there will never be a day that you are not a part of us, a part of our family.

we love you and miss you so much. we look forward to the day we get to hold you once again.

love,
mommy

heaven

a few nights ago, my 23-month old baby girl had trouble sleeping and was crying out for me. i went into her room, scooped her up and sat on the edge of the bed and rocked her side to side and sang to her in the dark. after a few minutes, it hit me that the last time i rocked a baby side to side like that was at the hospital, right before the funeral home came to get jonathan.


while my arms ache for jonathan every day, i am so thankful i have a perfectly healthy little girl to help "fill that void" so to speak. getting up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep isn't something i complain about these days.

some of my most treasured memories are those of rocking kate right before bedtime while i was pregnant with jonathan. once my belly got really big, kate would kind of "cuddle" against me as i rocked her. every once in awhile, i would feel jonathan move and kick while kate was curled up against him. i always wondered what she must think when she felt him move like that. i explained to her that it was her baby brother moving in "mommy's tummy." i will always cherish those moments of rocking and holding both of my children at the same time. those moments were heaven to me. and now i realize i won't get to do that again until heaven.

*****

one month ago today, we welcomed our precious baby boy jonathan into our family.

one month ago today, we had to say goodbye, for now.

thanks to jonathan, i think about heaven everyday. it's just so much more real to me now.

before jonathan, i really didn't think much about it. my ignorance of heaven was very much like that of a child's: i imagined lots of clouds, angels singing, and Jesus. i didn't think much past that because i just didn't feel like i needed to be concerned with all those details.

but now, i need to know where my son is. it's partly necessary for my peace. there were days shortly after jonathan passed away that i begged God to show me somehow that jonathan was with Him in heaven, and that he was OK. and then i felt guilty for asking such a thing from God, because He had already been so gracious in showing me His involvement in so many other details encompassing jonathan's life and death. for me to question jonathan's resting place seemed, well...ridiculously absurd of me the more i thought about it. i just didn't know enough about what the bible says about heaven. seeing the whole picture, at least what God has shown us in His word, will surely help give me perspective. it's since become my new passion.

so recently, i read up on a few verses including the last couple of chapters in revelation to gain a better perspective. and the very next day, i received in the mail the book "heaven" by randy alcorn. (thanks robin p.!) it was such great timing. i've already learned several things by reading the first few chapters. one thing is for sure, heaven is going to be awesome.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." ~Psalm 84:10

There Will Be a Day
Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will
wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, he will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
He will wipe away the tears,
There will be a day.