birthday, part one

all is quiet in my house at the moment. kate is with my parents and greg is napping, like i should be right now. my house should not be this quiet today. there should be the cries of a hungry baby. or the squeaks and contented sighs of a sleeping baby. but instead there is nothing, and it is deafening at this moment. how i miss my baby boy.

there is just so much to share with you about jonathan's birthday. i don't even really know where to start. i guess i will just back up and start at the beginning, and write it a little bit at a time when i feel up to it.

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after our appointment on wednesday with our specialist, greg and i really felt like we should not rush into making a decision about an induction. we knew things were bad with jonathan, but like i have mentioned in previous blogs, we wanted the time of jonathan's birth to become clear to us as we waited on the Lord to show us when it was time.

i did not sleep well that night and i was up all through the night to listen to jonathan's heartbeat. it was still flying high over 200 BPM. finally, when i measured it at 5:30 that morning, it was down around 150 BPM or so. while everyone was still sleeping, i packed a few things in my hospital suitcase and took a nice long shower, just in case. during that time, i did feel a sense of peace about it possibly being the day we meet jonathan.

a few hours later, we were sitting in my OB's ultrasound room, listening to her read the specialist's letter to her concerning our visit the previous day. when she was through, she looked up at us and said, "i don't think it can get much clearer than this." [about what we needed to do.] she took a quick peek at jonathan's heart via ultrasound, and there it was, quivering away and completely surrounded by fluid. he was in heart failure. she didn't think we should wait even a day to induce. the day had come for jonathan's birthday.

and just so it was even more obvious that the day had come, when she checked me, i was already dilated to 2 cm. and that vacation she was planning for the weekend? she had already canceled it for reasons completely unrelated to our situation. she would be available to deliver jonathan that day. and the concern about vacancy in the birthing center at the hospital? they were in a "lull" at that time. we would be able to get a birthing/postpartum room at the end of the hall that we could stay in our entire visit. even the date was significant: my dear grandmother, who passed away earlier this year, was also born on october 8th.

so greg and i sat in the car outside of my OB's office, crying, praying, and making lots and lots of phone calls. we knew the day was coming, but we didn't expect it to happen with such urgency. suddenly, it was here. the time had come for us to cling to every bit of faith we had, in that the Lord would carry us through.

"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly." ~Psalm 112:7-8

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

.....to be continued