an exquisite grief

the weather here on the emerald coast has absolutely gorgeous this past week. it's been breezy and cool, and there hasn't been a cloud in the sky for days (until today!) when i'm outside in the fresh air, i can't help but think about jonathan.

did you know that two weeks ago i gave birth? i honestly have to remind myself of this. there isn't all that much to remind me of it these days. the physical pain of such an event is mostly gone now. i am back into my "regular" clothes, and all of my maternity clothes are packed up and put away. i am able to sleep better at night. physically, i have recovered pretty well, especially for it being only two weeks. i'm sure it was because jonathan was so small, and because the Lord has been merciful.

however, the grieving process has begun for me. it's hard to describe, because there is still that marriage of joy and sorrow that i am experiencing. joy, because i could not have asked for any more of God's favor on us during this time, and especially by meeting jonathan....and sorrow because my arms ache to hold my sweet baby again. the sorrow i feel in missing jonathan is incredible.

we were warned that this part, the grieving process, would be the hardest. i think that perhaps this deep sorrow was part of the many reasons some people questioned our decision to carry jonathan. they wonder why would we choose to do this to ourselves? as if the pain of terminating the pregnancy would not be as deep. but we chose to carry jonathan, knowing that it probably would be harder. we would bond with him even while he was in the womb. we would meet him face to face. and we would have to say goodbye. we knew this season would inflict suffering, and leave us with scars.

but we would not choose to do it differently, even now in the suffering. we didn't do it for the promise of any gain for ourselves, for we surely weren't promised any reward. we did it because we believe that we were called to walk this path for purposes that God alone knows. you see, we only had two options: terminate in unbelief, or to carry on and believe. i realize that this would be difficult for someone who doesn't know God or want anything to do with God, to grasp.

so yes, greg and i will probably always be scarred from this. but instead of the scars being reminders of the hurt and pain, we will consider them badges of honor, as we are so honored that the Lord would choose us to be jonathan's parents. therefore, our grief is exquisite.

i imagine that this is how the Lord feels about his children, but so much more. He is honored to be our Father, and bears the scars he suffered in order that we would know Him as such.

“Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.” ~Isaiah 49:16

*****

i am happy to report that 6 out of the 7 days this past week were good days. days where i didn't cry very much, or at all. days where i felt more joy than sorrow. days where i felt like i was able to keep the right perspective in all of this. i noticed that on those days, i had plenty of rest.

after that one rough day this week, i decided to go alone to visit jonathan's grave. i wasn't sure how it would make me feel, if i would cry the whole time or not, or if it would make me miss him even more. it was a lovely day, and i spent several minutes taking in beauty of the place; the smell of green grass and fresh flowers, the cool breeze in the air, the sound of the windchimes, the bright blue sky...and i tried to comprehend what he must be seeing in heaven. i imagine the beauty of the changing season here must pale in comparison to the beauty he is experiencing. but soon, my eyes came to rest on the power lines out near the road and then there was the sound of a noisy truck passing on the highway that was a rude reminder of the world's imperfections. i didn't cry for jonathan that day, because i know he's so much better off where he is. he will only know beauty, and in more ways that we can comprehend here.

i also decided right then and there, that i would not make myself feel guilty about when or how often i visited jonathan's grave. i wasn't coming to visit him, because i knew he wasn't there. so it wasn't like i was neglecting him or something. i needed to realize that. instead the place is symbolic of a deeper relationship, the relationship i now have with the Father because of what He's done in my life these past few months. from now on, i will come to the gravesite not just to remember jonathan, but perhaps moreso to remember the gift He gave me, through jonathan's life.