This is the story of our precious baby boy, who was diagnosed prenatally at
17 weeks with a fatal chromosome disorder called Trisomy 13. Although
Jonathan's condition is considered "not compatible with life", we desired to give
him every chance at life. Our prayer is that those who are touched by our story
are drawn to God, who is Life Himself. John 14:6

To start at the beginning of our story, click here.


an exquisite grief

the weather here on the emerald coast has absolutely gorgeous this past week. it's been breezy and cool, and there hasn't been a cloud in the sky for days (until today!) when i'm outside in the fresh air, i can't help but think about jonathan.

did you know that two weeks ago i gave birth? i honestly have to remind myself of this. there isn't all that much to remind me of it these days. the physical pain of such an event is mostly gone now. i am back into my "regular" clothes, and all of my maternity clothes are packed up and put away. i am able to sleep better at night. physically, i have recovered pretty well, especially for it being only two weeks. i'm sure it was because jonathan was so small, and because the Lord has been merciful.

however, the grieving process has begun for me. it's hard to describe, because there is still that marriage of joy and sorrow that i am experiencing. joy, because i could not have asked for any more of God's favor on us during this time, and especially by meeting jonathan....and sorrow because my arms ache to hold my sweet baby again. the sorrow i feel in missing jonathan is incredible.

we were warned that this part, the grieving process, would be the hardest. i think that perhaps this deep sorrow was part of the many reasons some people questioned our decision to carry jonathan. they wonder why would we choose to do this to ourselves? as if the pain of terminating the pregnancy would not be as deep. but we chose to carry jonathan, knowing that it probably would be harder. we would bond with him even while he was in the womb. we would meet him face to face. and we would have to say goodbye. we knew this season would inflict suffering, and leave us with scars.

but we would not choose to do it differently, even now in the suffering. we didn't do it for the promise of any gain for ourselves, for we surely weren't promised any reward. we did it because we believe that we were called to walk this path for purposes that God alone knows. you see, we only had two options: terminate in unbelief, or to carry on and believe. i realize that this would be difficult for someone who doesn't know God or want anything to do with God, to grasp.

so yes, greg and i will probably always be scarred from this. but instead of the scars being reminders of the hurt and pain, we will consider them badges of honor, as we are so honored that the Lord would choose us to be jonathan's parents. therefore, our grief is exquisite.

i imagine that this is how the Lord feels about his children, but so much more. He is honored to be our Father, and bears the scars he suffered in order that we would know Him as such.

“Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.” ~Isaiah 49:16


i am happy to report that 6 out of the 7 days this past week were good days. days where i didn't cry very much, or at all. days where i felt more joy than sorrow. days where i felt like i was able to keep the right perspective in all of this. i noticed that on those days, i had plenty of rest.

after that one rough day this week, i decided to go alone to visit jonathan's grave. i wasn't sure how it would make me feel, if i would cry the whole time or not, or if it would make me miss him even more. it was a lovely day, and i spent several minutes taking in beauty of the place; the smell of green grass and fresh flowers, the cool breeze in the air, the sound of the windchimes, the bright blue sky...and i tried to comprehend what he must be seeing in heaven. i imagine the beauty of the changing season here must pale in comparison to the beauty he is experiencing. but soon, my eyes came to rest on the power lines out near the road and then there was the sound of a noisy truck passing on the highway that was a rude reminder of the world's imperfections. i didn't cry for jonathan that day, because i know he's so much better off where he is. he will only know beauty, and in more ways that we can comprehend here.

i also decided right then and there, that i would not make myself feel guilty about when or how often i visited jonathan's grave. i wasn't coming to visit him, because i knew he wasn't there. so it wasn't like i was neglecting him or something. i needed to realize that. instead the place is symbolic of a deeper relationship, the relationship i now have with the Father because of what He's done in my life these past few months. from now on, i will come to the gravesite not just to remember jonathan, but perhaps moreso to remember the gift He gave me, through jonathan's life.


  1. I want to thank you for posting this. I have a friend who is pregnant and her little girl has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and has a severe heart defect and other things going wrong. But her friends are all surrounding her and her family right now as she is carrying this little girl and just trying to remember our God is greater than we are and He knows best. So thank you for this reminder. I watched your video and just cried my eyes out, not in anger at God for doing this to people but knowing that we will not be able to hold this children and love on them. He will have to do this for us. My prayers are with you as you go on with your days with your other little one.
    From one mom to another,
    Jen Henson
    Tucson, Az

  2. You are the MOST AMAZING family!!

    Thanks for sharing, you are so inspiring!

  3. Dearest Lauren & Greg,
    Every night I am gently awakened and the Holy Spirit urges me to pray for you and Greg. The greiving process is necessary and biblical. God's children weep and so did our Lord Jesus. Weeping heals the hurt, it releases one from pain. So as you go down this path, our prayers will go up to heaven for you and Our Lord Jesus will guide you each step. Sometimes those steps will seem short and sometimes they will seem long and never ending. God is with you and He will comfort you. Just continue to sit at His feet and take in His love as He ministers to you. May God's blessings and peace abide in your hearts,

    Linda & Dominc Guadagnoli

  4. I came to your blog through a friend of a friend and have been checking it and following your story. My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm so sorry. You are extremely inspiring. Your faith in God and His plan has really touched my heart. We are parents to a one year old boy. And if I were ever in your shoes, I would have done the exact same thing you did. It is so beautiful and wonderful that you got to hold and love your child before God took him to be with him. When I was pregnant, I believed very strongly that our baby could feel our love and hear our voices in the womb. I know Jonathan felt your love and comfort much longer than 40 minutes. He felt it the entire pregnancy. What a blessed life he had to only know love and to have you as his parents. I'll pray for your family. I have always been a strong Christian, but you have inspired me to search deeper and worship and study His word more. Your strong faith and knowledge in bible verses makes me strive to be better. Know that your story has touched our family and made us stronger. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Lauren, we are experiencing emotions similar to those you describe. Grace was born last Thursday, I too am back in my pre pregnancy clothes, my milk has gone and I walk the grocery wondering if anyone can recognize I was pregnant and just lost my precious baby 8 days ago. Only in the eyes of kids do I see that look I used to get, the softened look that strangers give to expecting mothers. Last saturday, my first venture out, at Costco a 2 yr old I had never met climbed out of her daddy's arms and into mine and squeezed my neck as tight as she could. (yes, I knew her father but had never met the girl!). God knew I needed that comforting innocent touch of a child, and he gave it to me. I have to admit I have had moments of jealousy when I think of you guys but I know that God's plan is in motion and is perfect. Grace was beautiful. Daddy brought her home to me today in the most beautiful urn ever. I know she is in heaven now but to have her urn close to me to talk to is very soothing. I will send you pics of Grace if you send us pics of Jonathan :) Take care and keep getting stronger!

  6. Your perspective of all that is happening to you is such a reminder of God's grace in my own life. You have endured such an ordeal, and you are still looking at it in a way that I don't know I am capable of.
    Your grief will continue. I haven't been through the grieving process personally, but I have witnessed it. When you lose a child or a loved one, the first year is hard. There are so many "firsts" to get through. But your strong faith in God will get you through. God doesn't make these things happen, but God will find good in this situation. And you are a vessel in which these good things will come. You are Jonathan's legacy. We will all remember him because of you and your strength.
    You are always in my prayers.

    Beth C.

  7. You must have deleted your other post, but it still showed up on my Google Reader. I am so sorry that, in your grief, you must endure being bombarded by blatantly rude and disrespectful comments like the ones you listed. I think it is crystal clear already, even to those who don't know you personally, what a blessing Jonathan is and how much glory He brought to God in his precious few moments here on earth. You have been a testimony to so many, and I know you have much blessing being stored in Heaven for you right now. In fact, I bet God has put Jonathan in charge of watching that storehouse grow! :)

  8. I am praying for you and Greg.

  9. I saw the link to your blog. What you have done to honor your son's memory is amazing. I am so sorry for your loss, but will be praying for your family. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  10. Lauren,

    Your post was so well written and really outlines the ache of grief so well. Keep doing the things you are doing- remembering your son, honoring his life, sharing your story(his story), and most of all, resting in the hands of Jesus, who is our comforter and redeemer.
    I have followed your story for a little while now. It was shared with me by some other Trisomy 13 moms from a Trisomy 13 group I am a part of, and also was shared with my by a dear friend in Texas who lost 2 sons to premature birth.
    I had a little girl with Trisomy 13 just over two years ago, Faith Constance, who lived 9 days. My love for her beats on in my heart each and every day. Grief is not an easy journey, but it can reveil in us deep love and compassion. That being said- it is never easy.
    Thank you for having the courage to share your family's amazing and heartbreaking story. Please don't let the critical comments or negative words of others bring you down. Keep sharing your story!
    Micayla, mom to Faith Constance, 9 days on earth, 2 years 3 months old in heaven, and forever in my heart

    her story is here:
    and here:

  11. I have followed your Journey, and today I am not sure what I felt, I have been so anxious and marveled at your faith, I am a Christian,and today I think that I actually felt my heart break and yet at the same time I felt it leap with joy, this is so overwhelming for me. I had to write to you to say something but I can't find the words, I am just speechless with so many things, I am speechless from your strength, from my own grief for you, from the word of God that you interjected into every post...I have so many feelings running wilding in my heart..I am over joyed and at the same time deeply saddened..and yet you have found your peace. God has truly blessed you, if we could all as human beings understand what you have found.Trust in his word , trust in his actions, trust in our lives...I am blessed to have been able to peer into your jouney. I wanted to thank you for sharing this with us. You are a remarkable woman, a woman of God. You and you alone were chosen to take this journey and God trusted YOU to share it. How wonderful for you..I am so sorry for your loss but so thankful for your testimony....Christine

  12. Dear Lauren
    I am so grateful for your love in Christ and your trust in our great God who formed Jonathan in your womb for His glory ! How evident it is to me and others that it really is choosing life when we do not choose abortion ! I am so grateful for your love for your child Jonathan who got to experience the love of his earthly parents before he went to be with our heavenly Father forever and ever ! I also love that you will see him again and all that you are going through right now is forming you more and more into the image of Christ ! Dear Lauren you are such a vessel of honor and I am extremely grateful for your willingness to share God's provision for you and His steadfast love for you in this time of grief and also joy and I am sure that you are pleasing HIM and that you are a sweet smelling aroma to God in Christ as you lean on Him and keep looking to Jesus who died for us and we are God's beloved children in Him !

  13. Our love and prayers are with you. We still have our precious gift from God. Arianna is 3 and has full Trisomy 13. Many times we thought she was ready to return to her heavenly home, but has chosen to stay.
    A good friend of mine just recently lost her Tessa at 7 days old, she also had trisomy 13. I posted many comforting thoughts on our blog, I hope you can find the time and visit it soon, I hope my words could help you too.
    Love and prayers,